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for The Third Law

9/12/2010 c1 3John Wolfe
Excellent attention to detail, very hard sci-fi. This seems like the opening, character-establishing scene in a movie. You could take Will's character and really run with it.

Good luck in future writings!
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1/2/2009 c1 102firemounrain
I really like the imagery!
4/10/2008 c1 10Crownbreaker
This is well written with an interesting premise. You managed to build up suspense despite the short length, and had a cool way of ending ending.

On mechanics: you seem to dislike the word said, and use a lot of synonyms in places where they don't really fit or call attention to themselves.
3/11/2008 c1 627Jave Harron
It's nice to see more hard scifi writers on FP. Having some references to modern commercial spaceflight was quite interesting. The physics and rigors of a job like Slayton's were captured quite well. But perhaps by his time, they might have drones, robots, or at least better tele-operational gear for operations like that?
3/8/2008 c1 3KnittingKneedle
This review is brought to you by the review marathon (link at my profile)

You started really strongly on this, you have a great grasp of language and the way you started with the mythical reference really drew me in.

Yikes...you went a bit thesaurus mad though didn't you. I spotted several unessecary said bookisms such as affirmed and exclaimed, there's nothing wrong with using said more than once. 'as his digits located the protrusion' what's wrong with calling them fingers?

I liked the gradual exposition through speech and general lack of info-dumpery and the plot is great, but sometimes your over enthusiasm with language detracts from the story ever so slightly, I'd reccomend toning it down a bit...

but saying that, you write superbly in comparison to most of the stuff I've had to sift through...great job really!
3/6/2008 c1 IloveYinzhe
This is so hot

This is like totally the coolest thing ever.

I totally like the big words and like all the "..."s you know?

Call me:


;) :)
3/5/2008 c1 13KimHua
Nice, I like the reference to Virgin. :-) Your place descriptions (such as when Slayton's "Earth-gazing") were excellent. I would suggest, however, that you clearly mark section endings - it can be a bit jarring on the reader without them. Something like * or similar would help.
3/5/2008 c1 dreamshell
Nice bit of hard sci-fi here. Thanks for that. I enjoyed it and wouldn't mind a bit more, either. ;)

I noticed some typos. You might wanna give the story another look and edit;

- "..Even [when] you are an old space dog like me..."

- Spell out "dept", as opposed to abbreviating it.

- "Yet he scarcely had tie worrying..." Had time worrying? Had time to worry?

- "An Orion passenger plan[e]..."

- "...so he [wouldn't] get stuck..."

- "[A] laconic reply."

Here's something I was a little confused by;

...“and I mean the best in the entire solar system. I’d kill to learn how they kept their alcohol from spoiling during the commotions of take off.” “Hard to believe that you’ll be gone next week,” he added sullenly, lowering his glass.

Is Hamilton saying all this? No need for the quotations between 'off' and 'hard', then. But if necessary, be sure to start a new paragraph when someone else begins talking.

One thing I noticed is how the narration and dialogue teetered on the edge of infodumping at times. Particularly the "As you know..." sort of conversations where people seemed to be saying things that were either arbitrary or common knowledge that wouldn't need to be elaborated on in-universe.

Regardless of these things, this was refreshing to read from the primarily science-fantasy schlock that people usually write. I particularly enjoyed how Slayton was "Earth-gazing". Although, I will say I feel the story was a little brief and that, in turn, affected how much I was able to relate to the characters.

Anyways, I hope you decide to write more hard sci-fi.


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