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for Women's Pain

6/3/2008 c1 nothing.void.gone
I don't think the rhyming worked in this case. It feels as if you were rhyming, just to rhyme. Which is fine, but because of the word choice, it didn't flow very well when I read it. Also, the poem is a bit vague about what the conflict is. I am guessing 'sex trade', but I think that should have been made clearer. I liked the idea of the piece though. Good effort.
4/17/2008 c1 174a silenced revolution
I like some of the imagery and dark, helpless feelings evoked here, and it flows pretty well. The last four lines are especially poignant.

However, I found that this poem lacked specifics - what exactly is happening to these women? It sounds like the subject is slavery; however in that case I'm not sure what lies they would be believing, so it makes me think that perhaps it's all metaphor. Also, I think dividing this up into stanzas would improve it, making it seem more organized.

Over all, I think it has clear potential, just that some more details and polishing could help.
3/8/2008 c1 121doctor's diagnosis
I don't usually like rhyming poems and this rhyme is only consistent because of mostly simple wording.

I'm pretty sure you're talking about the sex slave trade, but I think you could have brought more specifics into this.

Also, breaking it up into stanzas would help the flow.

One note, on the third to last line I think it should be will not well.
3/8/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
I like the idea behind this piece... describing the women's pain and the rhyming is nice as well.. however I really wish I knew more about them and why they were suffering... who was hurting them.. where they came from.. something to give me a deeper connection with them... still it's a really nice piece

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