for Love is in Air6/12/2009 c10 
6InsomniaticFrenchToast
My stupid comp wouldn't let me read the new chapter. It kept giving me this 403 error code on it and saying YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO ACCESS THIS WEB PAGE D: IT mad me mad. But now my comp is being nice and letting me read again. So YAY! I like this chapter. Seems like a bit of a filler chapter though ^.^
6InsomniaticFrenchToastMy stupid comp wouldn't let me read the new chapter. It kept giving me this 403 error code on it and saying YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO ACCESS THIS WEB PAGE D: IT mad me mad. But now my comp is being nice and letting me read again. So YAY! I like this chapter. Seems like a bit of a filler chapter though ^.^
5/19/2009 c10 1HelloOutThere
Finally you updated! Woohoo! Also, I won! Another woohoo! :) Thanks dude. umm, not much to tell you I didn't see any errors, but God, I wish it was longer. I'm not going to give critics right now because I haven't read it in so long, it would be mean to bombard you with comments. update soon!
1HelloOutThereFinally you updated! Woohoo! Also, I won! Another woohoo! :) Thanks dude. umm, not much to tell you I didn't see any errors, but God, I wish it was longer. I'm not going to give critics right now because I haven't read it in so long, it would be mean to bombard you with comments. update soon!
2/6/2009 c9 1Kneecap
"wanting more, needing more." - needing more? Arrit sounds a bit attached, considering he's only just 'got with' Aiden, so to speak...
Well Aiden handled that whole 'mum-walks-in-on-incriminating-scene' thing pretty well!
I do hope this was a first story bedroom! If not...he'd probably be disabled by now o_o.
"“Out?” she says nastily" - 'nastily' is a bit of a weak adjective. I think you could do with a better one there. Like 'snidely'.
I don't want to sound overly dismissive...but the whole 'abusive parents' thing is terribly overdone. I get the feeling that Aiden will eventually come along, see he's getting abused and whisk him off to some castle in the sky, like a knight in shining armour? It kind of makes Arrit seem a lot like a damsel in distress and...well...he's a boy :s. Can't he be a little more...like a boy?
If Arrit hasn't been eating since Friday, I assume he hasn't been allowed to drink much either? And since most of our water intake per day comes from what we eat, wouldn't he be terribly dehydrated by Monday?
Ooh! And 'root' should be 'route'!
Well, I'd be kind of lying if I said this story was really original O_O, but it isn't badly written! :D, and if a few cliches were removed from it (in particular the overly-romantic descriptions of kissing, like "claiming my lips", it'd be even nicer to read :). Otherwise: I'm interested to see where you're going with this! ^^
1Kneecap"wanting more, needing more." - needing more? Arrit sounds a bit attached, considering he's only just 'got with' Aiden, so to speak...
Well Aiden handled that whole 'mum-walks-in-on-incriminating-scene' thing pretty well!
I do hope this was a first story bedroom! If not...he'd probably be disabled by now o_o.
"“Out?” she says nastily" - 'nastily' is a bit of a weak adjective. I think you could do with a better one there. Like 'snidely'.
I don't want to sound overly dismissive...but the whole 'abusive parents' thing is terribly overdone. I get the feeling that Aiden will eventually come along, see he's getting abused and whisk him off to some castle in the sky, like a knight in shining armour? It kind of makes Arrit seem a lot like a damsel in distress and...well...he's a boy :s. Can't he be a little more...like a boy?
If Arrit hasn't been eating since Friday, I assume he hasn't been allowed to drink much either? And since most of our water intake per day comes from what we eat, wouldn't he be terribly dehydrated by Monday?
Ooh! And 'root' should be 'route'!
Well, I'd be kind of lying if I said this story was really original O_O, but it isn't badly written! :D, and if a few cliches were removed from it (in particular the overly-romantic descriptions of kissing, like "claiming my lips", it'd be even nicer to read :). Otherwise: I'm interested to see where you're going with this! ^^
2/6/2009 c8 Kneecap
"when he licks the bottom of the glass." - ? LICKS? That is...bizarre.
"I uncap the bottle and gulp it down, not stopping until the bottle was empty." - hmm. I find that extremely difficult to believe. I don't think it's possible to drink a whole bottle of vodka without coming up for air.
"Minutes pass as we just stand there in silence." - how comes Kendal and Stacy didn't say anything? That seems out of character for them, especially since there would have been an awkward atmosphere?
"Remembering that we weren’t alone" - ok, I'll take your word for it, but I don't think that, if I had been in that situation, I could have completely phased out all the other people in the room.
“There, ya happy?” he asks, holding his arms out like people do when they are annoyed and asking you a question." - I think we picked that up from what he said xD, without you needing to say so!
xD!"“Okay, sweet dreams.” ‘I know I’ll be having them.’" He is extremely pervy!
But yeah! Onto the next chapter!
"when he licks the bottom of the glass." - ? LICKS? That is...bizarre.
"I uncap the bottle and gulp it down, not stopping until the bottle was empty." - hmm. I find that extremely difficult to believe. I don't think it's possible to drink a whole bottle of vodka without coming up for air.
"Minutes pass as we just stand there in silence." - how comes Kendal and Stacy didn't say anything? That seems out of character for them, especially since there would have been an awkward atmosphere?
"Remembering that we weren’t alone" - ok, I'll take your word for it, but I don't think that, if I had been in that situation, I could have completely phased out all the other people in the room.
“There, ya happy?” he asks, holding his arms out like people do when they are annoyed and asking you a question." - I think we picked that up from what he said xD, without you needing to say so!
xD!"“Okay, sweet dreams.” ‘I know I’ll be having them.’" He is extremely pervy!
But yeah! Onto the next chapter!
2/6/2009 c7 Kneecap
Ok, allegedly I got up to chapter 6 of this, so I'll carry on with chapter 7!
"I press my index finger and thumb against either side of the piece of glass, yanking it out quickly, causing Aiden to make a slight noise of discomfort." - 'slight'? Glass in hand and...slight? Wouldn't it hurt slightly more?
Ooh! I think 'tough' should be 'touch'? Eep! There are a few spelling mistakes, I think! Like 'and' should be 'an', and 'eat' should be 'ear'! And there are a few more!
"tame the blush that has taken up residence on my cheeks" - I liked that image! That was really lovely and descriptive :).
I can see you like the word 'cocky' (double entendre much?) and ending agreements thereof, but sometimes it's better to try and avoid using the same word quite close to its last use! Maybe try 'arrogantly'?
Well! Your chapters are really short xD. There's not much I can say about them, aside from what I've just said! Onto the next one...
Ok, allegedly I got up to chapter 6 of this, so I'll carry on with chapter 7!
"I press my index finger and thumb against either side of the piece of glass, yanking it out quickly, causing Aiden to make a slight noise of discomfort." - 'slight'? Glass in hand and...slight? Wouldn't it hurt slightly more?
Ooh! I think 'tough' should be 'touch'? Eep! There are a few spelling mistakes, I think! Like 'and' should be 'an', and 'eat' should be 'ear'! And there are a few more!
"tame the blush that has taken up residence on my cheeks" - I liked that image! That was really lovely and descriptive :).
I can see you like the word 'cocky' (double entendre much?) and ending agreements thereof, but sometimes it's better to try and avoid using the same word quite close to its last use! Maybe try 'arrogantly'?
Well! Your chapters are really short xD. There's not much I can say about them, aside from what I've just said! Onto the next one...
2/4/2009 c9 1HelloOutThere
Wow. Wow. Getting steamy, huh? Do you plan on taking it all the way, or are you going to chicken out, like I did. I loved it when you used the name Air. It made me giddy inside. Things like that make the true title "Love is in Air".
As for the Title. I cant even begin to tell you. I tried really hard to think (simply because I want another one shot dedicated to me)(what can i say I'm greedy) All of them where stupid, like I thought of Don't Trust Me (from 3 oh 3) because he ran away, he kissed him when he's not technically suppose to, and he got in deep doo-doo with his lovely mom. I Also thought of Kiss and Tell, because he got a lot of kisses in this chapter (horn dog)and Blake want's him to spill the beans. Anyways hope you come up with one.
Love, you're biggest fan, HelloOutThere! I'm honored to be the reason you continue this. and weather you have to cut it short, you better come up with an end. :)
1HelloOutThereWow. Wow. Getting steamy, huh? Do you plan on taking it all the way, or are you going to chicken out, like I did. I loved it when you used the name Air. It made me giddy inside. Things like that make the true title "Love is in Air".
As for the Title. I cant even begin to tell you. I tried really hard to think (simply because I want another one shot dedicated to me)(what can i say I'm greedy) All of them where stupid, like I thought of Don't Trust Me (from 3 oh 3) because he ran away, he kissed him when he's not technically suppose to, and he got in deep doo-doo with his lovely mom. I Also thought of Kiss and Tell, because he got a lot of kisses in this chapter (horn dog)and Blake want's him to spill the beans. Anyways hope you come up with one.
Love, you're biggest fan, HelloOutThere! I'm honored to be the reason you continue this. and weather you have to cut it short, you better come up with an end. :)
2/4/2009 c9 6InsomniaticFrenchToast
I wanna call the number so bad XD! With my luck it would be a creepy pedophile... -_- (i think luck hates me) Hmm the story is still good. I think that Arrit needs a bit more fleshing out in this chapter. No offense or anything. Its just something is missing, why does his mother beat him , why is his grandma important to him, why doesn't he just up and leave his mom, why does he say he was with a boy if he knows his mom hates gays, why? Thats all its missing. The why, and details. I'm gonna sound like Mrs. Renner when I say this but, you need a third level of elaboration. Your story is good but its missing something. Umm...I hope this review didn't offend you. *is hopeful your not mad* I really meant no offense. I need constructive critiscism, like, really bad btw. If you want do you think you could help me by giving me a review.
6InsomniaticFrenchToastI wanna call the number so bad XD! With my luck it would be a creepy pedophile... -_- (i think luck hates me) Hmm the story is still good. I think that Arrit needs a bit more fleshing out in this chapter. No offense or anything. Its just something is missing, why does his mother beat him , why is his grandma important to him, why doesn't he just up and leave his mom, why does he say he was with a boy if he knows his mom hates gays, why? Thats all its missing. The why, and details. I'm gonna sound like Mrs. Renner when I say this but, you need a third level of elaboration. Your story is good but its missing something. Umm...I hope this review didn't offend you. *is hopeful your not mad* I really meant no offense. I need constructive critiscism, like, really bad btw. If you want do you think you could help me by giving me a review.
11/24/2008 c7 1HelloOutThere
You kept me waiting (even though I read the ruft raph((sp)! God, how I love this story. it's soo cute. I cant wait to see what happens with the DDR drinking game. Things are going to get steamy(?)...;) Sigh. So… are they a couple yet? Write more soon please!
1HelloOutThereYou kept me waiting (even though I read the ruft raph((sp)! God, how I love this story. it's soo cute. I cant wait to see what happens with the DDR drinking game. Things are going to get steamy(?)...;) Sigh. So… are they a couple yet? Write more soon please!
9/5/2008 c6 1Kneecap
Ok, I don't even KNOW what happened to my alerting of this: but I'm putting it back on again. And I looked back and saw I haven't read this since MAY. MAY! Good Lord. I'm gonna have to try and remember everything that happened! Oh, and I should like to point out that I try and include constructive criticism these days xD.
“Aiden, don’t leave me here with them! Ow! My fucking eye! Help! Rape!” I hear him yell from down stairs. xD
Well...that really was short! There's not a huge amount I can say! But I like how you brought out the angst in this: it was drawn out in a nice way: not piled on too thick.
I personally would have taken the makeover :D.
But in terms of criticism: "I wince as I realize I am now on my feet and seem to have punched Kendal’s glass jewelry box. I stare down at my hand to see small bits of glass sticking out of my knuckles. I sigh." - I didn't agree with any of that. I don't care what anyone says about 'having other things on your mind': shattering a glass object on your hand FUCKING WRECKS. It would be the first thing I'd notice, and realistically, I'd scream. Anyone would scream. It is bloody painful.
And secondly: I wouldn't be so carefree about walking around with shards of glass in my hand. I'd go over-the-top dramatic and run out of the bathroom screaming about my hand. Tbh, wouldn't you? The most important part of writing a character is making their actions and speech believable, and unless Aiden has some nerve disorder which prevents him from feeling pain...he would have been more dramatic.
Putting that aside though: I like where this is going ^^. Carry on!
1KneecapOk, I don't even KNOW what happened to my alerting of this: but I'm putting it back on again. And I looked back and saw I haven't read this since MAY. MAY! Good Lord. I'm gonna have to try and remember everything that happened! Oh, and I should like to point out that I try and include constructive criticism these days xD.
“Aiden, don’t leave me here with them! Ow! My fucking eye! Help! Rape!” I hear him yell from down stairs. xD
Well...that really was short! There's not a huge amount I can say! But I like how you brought out the angst in this: it was drawn out in a nice way: not piled on too thick.
I personally would have taken the makeover :D.
But in terms of criticism: "I wince as I realize I am now on my feet and seem to have punched Kendal’s glass jewelry box. I stare down at my hand to see small bits of glass sticking out of my knuckles. I sigh." - I didn't agree with any of that. I don't care what anyone says about 'having other things on your mind': shattering a glass object on your hand FUCKING WRECKS. It would be the first thing I'd notice, and realistically, I'd scream. Anyone would scream. It is bloody painful.
And secondly: I wouldn't be so carefree about walking around with shards of glass in my hand. I'd go over-the-top dramatic and run out of the bathroom screaming about my hand. Tbh, wouldn't you? The most important part of writing a character is making their actions and speech believable, and unless Aiden has some nerve disorder which prevents him from feeling pain...he would have been more dramatic.
Putting that aside though: I like where this is going ^^. Carry on!
8/13/2008 c6 1HelloOutThere
Oh my. I laughed when they got ahold of him and smeared makeup on the poor boy. hah. I like how you made them show their emotions, but you didn't overkill it. :]
Aiden+Arrit=cuteness.
1HelloOutThereOh my. I laughed when they got ahold of him and smeared makeup on the poor boy. hah. I like how you made them show their emotions, but you didn't overkill it. :]
Aiden+Arrit=cuteness.
8/11/2008 c6 3fam
You updated! YAY! I loved this chapter(along with every other one). Their relationship is moving forward so maybe something will be happening between them soon?*wink wink*
please update :)
3famYou updated! YAY! I loved this chapter(along with every other one). Their relationship is moving forward so maybe something will be happening between them soon?*wink wink*
please update :)
6/9/2008 c5 1SiD EliA
HEHEHE-I derive great enjoyment from displays of jealousy.
Grr, Arrit show that bitch who Adian belongs to. I would have tripped her or something cause I hate coffee therfore would have none on hand.
Wah- haha, I wonder if her bountiful bossoms would cusion her fall.
1SiD EliAHEHEHE-I derive great enjoyment from displays of jealousy.
Grr, Arrit show that bitch who Adian belongs to. I would have tripped her or something cause I hate coffee therfore would have none on hand.
Wah- haha, I wonder if her bountiful bossoms would cusion her fall.
5/29/2008 c5 3Nicholas Scott
aw. This is so cute. Aiden and Arrit, sittin in a tree...well you know the rest...except, they haven't kissed yet and you stopped right as he's about to stay over. Naturally I'm waiting with bated breath for the next chapter. I really am enjoying it.
Some of your diolague is wonderful. It has dialogue and action and description of the scene makes it so three dimensional. When Aiden's mother pulls Arrit into a hug, you deftly illustrate without even describing it,, but with your dialogue how she envelops him in this hug and pracitcally smothers him. The imagery is so quickly there just by what Aiden says and the way his mother apolgoizes sorta meekly. It's lovely. Several places you do that. I'm a big fan of dialogue so I won't fault you that, but in some places that's all it is, stragiht dialogue back and forth and it needs to be fleshed out like the scene described above.
Your characters need a little fleshing out. It's easy when you have the characters in your head, you know what they look like,how they talk, what they're thinking so when you're writing it's easy to leave that out. I know I'm as guilty of it as anyone. Show us their quirks or little things. Like when Aiden grabs Arrits hand, let us hear think how soft his skin is, how he gets a sudden hot flash with their contact, how when Arrit looks at him, he's suddenly. We don't know anything about them really, they've not been fleshed out aside from their hair color and piercing. O mean why is Aiden in the closet. There are reasons, we want insight. Just like why is Blake out of the closet. And it's just tiny little details that really can turn a story that has potential into a wonderful read.
Needless to say I'm going to be waiting for the next chapter.
3Nicholas Scottaw. This is so cute. Aiden and Arrit, sittin in a tree...well you know the rest...except, they haven't kissed yet and you stopped right as he's about to stay over. Naturally I'm waiting with bated breath for the next chapter. I really am enjoying it.
Some of your diolague is wonderful. It has dialogue and action and description of the scene makes it so three dimensional. When Aiden's mother pulls Arrit into a hug, you deftly illustrate without even describing it,, but with your dialogue how she envelops him in this hug and pracitcally smothers him. The imagery is so quickly there just by what Aiden says and the way his mother apolgoizes sorta meekly. It's lovely. Several places you do that. I'm a big fan of dialogue so I won't fault you that, but in some places that's all it is, stragiht dialogue back and forth and it needs to be fleshed out like the scene described above.
Your characters need a little fleshing out. It's easy when you have the characters in your head, you know what they look like,how they talk, what they're thinking so when you're writing it's easy to leave that out. I know I'm as guilty of it as anyone. Show us their quirks or little things. Like when Aiden grabs Arrits hand, let us hear think how soft his skin is, how he gets a sudden hot flash with their contact, how when Arrit looks at him, he's suddenly. We don't know anything about them really, they've not been fleshed out aside from their hair color and piercing. O mean why is Aiden in the closet. There are reasons, we want insight. Just like why is Blake out of the closet. And it's just tiny little details that really can turn a story that has potential into a wonderful read.
Needless to say I'm going to be waiting for the next chapter.
5/28/2008 c5 1Kneecap
Oh No! YOU CAN'T LEAVE IT THERE! I WANT MORE! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!
Grr, things were just starting to look like they were about to cut off and suddenly you STOP. GAH!
But I did laugh a LITTLE when Arrit spilt coffee down that waitress' dress. She so deserved it, HOW RUDE OF HER. Like, there's more than one person at the table love! HOW OBVIOUS CAN YOU GET!
*Le sigh*, Aiden and Arrit had better do something soon OR ELSE *Glares*.
I adored this chapter though, and Kendal SO controls her brother. Go her ^^. But hell she's nosy, GOOD THING ARRIT DOESN'T KNOW! Things could get awkward...
But meh, I'm gonna go back to updating my other story and then I probably won't update anything for ages.
BUT UPDATE THIS SOON! I LOVE IT!
1KneecapOh No! YOU CAN'T LEAVE IT THERE! I WANT MORE! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!
Grr, things were just starting to look like they were about to cut off and suddenly you STOP. GAH!
But I did laugh a LITTLE when Arrit spilt coffee down that waitress' dress. She so deserved it, HOW RUDE OF HER. Like, there's more than one person at the table love! HOW OBVIOUS CAN YOU GET!
*Le sigh*, Aiden and Arrit had better do something soon OR ELSE *Glares*.
I adored this chapter though, and Kendal SO controls her brother. Go her ^^. But hell she's nosy, GOOD THING ARRIT DOESN'T KNOW! Things could get awkward...
But meh, I'm gonna go back to updating my other story and then I probably won't update anything for ages.
BUT UPDATE THIS SOON! I LOVE IT!