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3/26/2009 c1 6Sleeper Baby
I like the mystery of it all.

It's like changing to a channel to a movie that has been on for an hour.

I kind of want to know the back story to this. :3

Why were they handcuffed together?

Why the formal wear?

Why are they being chased?

All in all, I think it fascinating. My only critiques would be: why write out fourteen and then 28? It looks silly. Aside from that,I see nothing else.

5 out of 5
1/19/2009 c1 blueskye13
i like this one, it doesnt get all sappy and emotional, and something here caught me, like really gripped me. i guess its just touching that complete strangers have to relie on eachother and then probably/maybe die together... its sweet...

10/25/2008 c1 Link Broken
it was like poetry. no real plot, but poetic
10/15/2008 c1 16dreamer999
Darnnit...and I thought that my future story was gonna be original T_T

Anyway, it's been a while since I read tragedy and it feels nice to feel the sadness in a story again.

It seems more like romance than friendship but if it isn't it would be like sister-brother or cousin-cousin.

I woulda say add some more friendship descriptions if that was you were trying to express or not...maybe it's just a confusive friendship.

Most of the things are confusing anyway...and I could guess that maybe you meant that they were literally handcuffed too by policemen so it's more friendship that way...It's so confusing! T_T

And I would suggest for more internal description like emotions as they ran but then died. How she and he felt when they got shot and/or what they were thinking.

AND TAG! You are IT!
7/17/2008 c1 Alexander Rowe
Wow, is all I can say..wow.

I have soo many questions about this story and (if you don't mind) I'm gonna list them:

1. Why were the two hancuffed?

2. What did they do to make people chase after them?

3. Was it a Bonnie and Cyle type of thing between them?

Those are the only questions I really had to ask you about the story. But overall, I really liked it..it was descriptive, it didn't have dialouge...but you still got your story across my brain. And I loved that it ended with a cliffhanger...by any chance, are you gonna add more to it?

I'd really love to read future chapters, thanks for entertaining my brain!
4/18/2008 c1 22Starleaf
RG time :)

-Characters: I like how you don't give the characters names, because it really isn't needed for such a short piece. I'm the same way... I just don't see the need, unless it's a long work or the names somehow contribute to it.

-Writing: I know it's hard to alternate much without names, but "the man and the girl" seemed pretty redundant after a while. Maybe you could use "the victims," or "the two" in some cases, or whatever you want. I just saw that stand out a bit. Other than that, the writing was simple but effective. Suiting for the moment - when someone is being chased by men with guns, they wouldn't exactly notice pretty flowers or a sunset, so description like that isn't really necessary.

-Enjoyment: I liked it... I enjoy things that are mysterious, that leave me wondering and leave enough to my own imagination.

-Other: I guess it COULD be a bit longer, to flesh it out a bit more and explain why they're being chased, but it isn't needed. I especially like the last line.

Good work! :)
4/8/2008 c1 defunct account 101521
I love it, Onar. I don't know how to meet the RG requirements on it, so I won't bother (and frac may kill me later, but whatever).

It's confusing, and are you planning to do more with it? I think this would be cool as one of those things were you get the ending as the prologue and the author tells the story as the main chapters. Because I really want to know what happened that they're together, and what exactly this relationship is, and who these people following them are, and all of that fun stuff.

There are no blatant grammatical errors- I love your use of the ;, which I can never seem to master. The only real issue I see is in 'Stopping means death.' To fit the tense, shouldn't it be 'Stopping meanT death.'? I dunno- maybe you meant something by it.

That's all I have for you-

4/2/2008 c1 11Distilledfx
Cool idea! It has this dream like feel to it, and while some people would probably say "why are they handcuffed together?" or "why are the men chasing them?" I think that these things are not necessary and I was able to enjoy the scene and story without that.

One thing though is that I would have thought the man would have simply picked up the girl as he ran. But this just reinforces the urgency and dream like feel that I get from this.

Good writing, I love these "flash fictions". I'll write one myself one day...
3/31/2008 c1 14thefilmchick
Plot: Shades of 'The Thirty-Nine Steps' here, haha. I think you could actually lengthen this if you wanted to: Put in a little more description, or maybe a dialogue conflict. It would certainly stand up to about 2,0 words of description, and would serve as a nice prologue to a novel.

Writing: Writing is good and brisk, very cinematic. One grammar quibble: 'They both knew they couldn't stop; stopping meant death.' - should be thus. Run-on sentence, tense shift, and I don't think the italics add anything to the sentence; I think they actually remove the punch of the sentence. Similarly, I am not enamored of 'the man and the girl fell backwards - together.' I'd remove the dash and the italics, as it feels a bit too much of a gimme with them.

Style: I would have liked slightly more detail about the glance the two exchange, because I don't know why, and I don't know what caused it. A little bit more tipping of your hand there would be good. I'd also have liked a little more detail about the pursuers - not necessarily why they're being chased, but something about who/what is actually chasing them.

Questions/concerns: I am not sure about the girl's heel breaking and her losing her footing, as that feels like a stock 'chase scene' cliche to me. The rest of it is good, although I worry about the age difference - even though you say they aren't friends or lovers, it still nags a bit.

Hope that helps!
3/29/2008 c1 72angel953
jeepers creepers! why? i know you said its a one shot..but now i want more..why were they being chased wtf did they do that meant death for them? i presume they died at the end there..but well did they?

gah i need more...damn you lolz jk

~cake (hahaha)

ps once again..plz dont use the review reply function thx
3/26/2008 c1 2Seigetsu Ren
Review Game!

Several things I'd like to note:

The semi-colons: I don't see why you used them. They can only join two independent clauses that are similar in meaning. Seeing as the second clause after your semi-colons are always dependent clauses, you can't use semi-colons in that case.

The dash: it seems to be used correctly. However, "their" would have to be in small case. A dash just separates dependent clauses in a sentence that seems to interrupt its flow. Therefore, the clause itself is still part of the sentence.

The ending: I don't get it. How come two strangers would hold each other's hands and fall backwards? If they are going to die anyway, why not at least TRY to put up a fight? It is your story though; this is just my opinion.

Everything else was done rather nicely. You have simple yet elegant descriptions. The pacing was great. It was short, but you conveyed much with so few words. Good job on that.
3/18/2008 c1 2vkitty
review game!

I liked it, but it seemed a bit rushed to me. I liked that there wasn't any dialog, which really seemed to fit with the pace of the story and the fact that there was a sort of mystery around the characters involved in the story.

The storyline seemed kind of thin (if that makes any sense), but that could probably be cleared up with more explanation on who the characters are, why they're running away from their pursuers, etc. Stuff like that.

I liked the description of the city, it seemed very realistic and fitting with the characters and their situation.

All in all, it was a great job!
3/13/2008 c1 12Esther Jade
Review game!

I thought for a very short piece you conveyed the characters really well. For me, the description combined with the interaction when the girl's heel broke got a sense of their individuality across in a relatively small number of words.

As far as the writing goes, there was something about the punctuation in the piece that made it feel either informal or unprofessional. It feels to me like the writing needs bit of polish.

I thought you handled the plot well. It was a short, short story but it had the whole structure - introduction, rising tension, climax. You had a nice hook in the beginning - my mind was spinning - and then when you revealed it was handcuffs that really caught me by surprise.

Overall, I enjoyed the piece. It struck me as clever and well thought out. As I said before, it seems to lack a bit of polish but I am sure that is something you could sort out quite easily.
3/11/2008 c1 1A. James Robin
review game: (Yeah, whoever was supposed to review your story definitely didn't make it long enough. Anyway, here's another one.)

I thought that overall, it was a really good story. It did leave me asking a few questions, however. For example, who are the man and girl, and why are they handcuffed together? I think the reason that this probably wasn't resolved is because the flow is a bit fast. I can sympathize with you though, because i tend to have the same problem. It really wouldn't hurt to add a little more description, or possibly a look into what the characters are thinking. A rule that i always like to follow is this: It's good to keep your readers guessing about what is happening. It's not so good to keep them guessing about who 'these people' are.

But enough with the negative. It seems like you have a lot of writing potential, and suspense definitely seems like your genre of choice. Keep up the good work. (Just one last note though. If these two people have everyone chasing after them, then they must either be important, or criminals. If you continue your story with one of those paths, it should be quite good.)
3/10/2008 c1 4l. fayette
review game!

i really enjoy the simple sentence structure of your piece. it lends a very good rhythm to it.

however, i'd just go ahead and write out 28
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