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1/29/2010 c8 violinrunner
No! No no no! You must tell us what the letter says!

At any rate, aside from the evil cliff hanger, I really like the idea you have going here. Using Faerie to refer to evil, blood-sucking monsters in a post-apocalyptic world is a great idea!

You've got me really curious. Why did Eve's brother-in-law suddenly show up. And who is Bran? Is is interest in Corel sincere, or for a darker purpose. Also, if I remember correctly, isn't there a Bran in Celtic Mythology, or am I making things up?

Great story at any rate. One typo that really caught my attention. When Eve's brother wakes up, you say Corel noticed the "emancipated state of his body." I think you meant "emaciated." Emancipated means free; emaciated means wasted away.
3/11/2009 c3 14WhenceComethThisBoredom
Hi, I'm finally back to finish what I started. Sorry I took so long - and after you were so prompt on your end of the deal! Sigh. I'm a flake. It's just in my nature.

Instead of correcting every tense change, I'm just going to point out the noncorrespondent verbs.

"she said softly ... It doesn’t affect her"

"Corel sighed ... as a... tune comes onto the radio"

"Her first boyfriend had danced with her on this song", I think it's "to this song".

"She rocks her head... It was all..."

"The slam ... jerks her awake. Corel found herself"

"She asked ... the answer will be": would be

"Eve Serpillsmiled tiredly": Serpill smiled. Actually, at first I didn't read the sentence but just

spotted the name, and I was like, Whoa! That's a serious surname. And it seemed weird, since the

rest of your names are fairly normal. But then I saw the truth and laughed at myself. So.

"...eyes closed ‘Tedious, more then anything.’" missing a period

Why, their conversation is so scintillating! XD sorry

"They wait in silence for a moment. Not that it’s unusual. Neither of them was in the habit off

incessant chatter." Now you're in present tense again... Also, you've got "off" instead of "of".

"It’s something that they both understood": It was

"Corel thinks... There was a mutual understanding" also, the latter is a bit redundant, since you

said basically the same thing two sentences earlier.

"because being in the service of one who has something to hide meant that her own past was not pried

into": this is kind of an awkward phrase. Maybe change "being" to "she was" and "meant that" to a

comma?

"Corel started, remembering the coffee, returning back to the now boiling kettle." alternative:

"Corel started suddenly, remembering the coffee, and hurried to the now boiling kettle." or

something like it. I mean, just a suggestion, not a grammar thing; grammar, as we all know, is law.

"She studied the older woman as she raised the cup to her mouth": which does the second "she" refer

to? Corel or Eve? I'm guessing by context you mean Eve, and so I would replace "she" with "Eve".

"she proceeded to done her warm gear": don

"Eve turned ... Corel sees" also you are missing a period after "eyes"

Ah! The man! I betcha it's the guy from the subway!

Wait, so Corel doesn't live there? I guess I just assumed it was her apartment, even though,

looking back, I see that you stated explicitly that it wasn't. Oh well, I guess I didn't register

it. I had in my head that Corel, Mary, and Eve all shared a flat, probably for financial reasons.

"Eve's hazel eyes journeyed to her face, but stopped short of Corel’s eyes." The double use of

"eyes" sounds weird... I tried to think how to rephrase it, maybe "Eve's glance"... but it still

sounds funny. hurm.

"Even in this age there were those who believedbi-coloured eyesto be unnatural": believed

bi-coloured eyes to. also, Corel has bi-coloured eyes? one blue and one brown, like a husky dog,

perhaps? could this be portentious? ho-HO!

"London’s underbelly crawled with far from savory characters who relished the nightlife." You just

used "far from"; I'd just change it to "unsavory", and then it becomes a great play on word.

(savory, relish... yeah.) I also might just say "the night" instead of "nightlife", simply because

the latter doesn't have a strictly negative connotation.

"A shock and a half, and she scowled at his back to hide the fear he had caused her." I don't like

this sentence; it's a bit unclear (and grammatically incorrect!). Maybe instead you could say...

uhm. "Her heart leapt, and she blanched in shock as she caught sight of him. She scowled at his

back as she passed, hoping to hide the fear he had caused her." or something like that.

Also, I kind of assumed he was looking in her direction. Why be so shocked otherwise? I mean, yeah

it's bitterly cold, but do people not sit on park benches in this world? or whatever he's sitting

on? Maybe he IS dead?

Oh, duh. They live in a nuclear winter. That's why Corel's acting like it's 50 below or something.

I get it now.

Of course, you know, in that case it would be much too cold to snow. but maybe it's radioactive

fairy snow. eariee snow, if you will. ;P

"rubbing her nose with icy hand": hands

"worse things then men": than

"She shivered, idly her fingers clutched": "shivered, and idly" OR "as idly"

I like this brief little paragraph about the city and how people have to stay inside. It gives a

concise image of this world, setting the mood and the stage, and it flows nicely with her train of

thought. This is the way "info dumps" SHOULD be done.

Interesting juxtaposition of "On time" (good way to end a chapter, I like, I like) with the alarm.

I might end the chapter at "On time" to give the reader a moment more to adjust... but then, that's

just me, and disregarding actual subject matter, too...

"she wasawake now": was awake

"she peeled ... and hauls herself"

Well, it could be worse - she could live in a big apartment and have to share her bathroom with ten of twenty others, like in a dorm. but yeah, I'm definitely sensing that Corel is not the wealthiest... XD

"She muttered, Monday": muttered. Monday

I found myself suddenly reading faster when Corel was racing to make her interview. This is a good thing. It's something I and many can definitely relate to... And it makes you start to care about Corel, too. You WANT her to get this job, because she obviously lives in a crappy apartment in a freezing-cold world and deserves better. So.

"armful of boxes", not "arm full"

"‘Shit.’ She muttered, staring at her watch as her body already moved into action": first, comma after "shit". second, "staring" seems too slow and inactive a verb here. maybe, "shooting a hasty glance at her watch as her body sprang into action" or something.

"that she would be worthy of a position in the course. A suitable enough character to teach the nations young the ideals of the Government." first, "nation's young". second, I'd join these sentences together with a comma, as in "in the course, that she had a sufficiently suitable character to teach the nation's young the ideals of the Government."

Ah! It's the little girl from the bedtime story!

The present tense here makes it seem like a dream or a memory, which I assume it is. Oh, wait, I know! Mary is Eve's daughter, and since she's a kid her perspective's in present tense, right? I get it, I get it!

Wow. Don't mind me. Hey, look! I'm almost done!

Too many "all"s!

Oh, snap, he totally IS dead! I like this little part at the end - it sets a creepy tone to the scene, like, "this is not a good world to raise a child in". Also it's creepy and I'm morbid, so... yeah.

For some reason I thought Eve's daughter Mary was older, like Corel's age. Don't know where I got that. She IS the girl from the bedtime story, right? I'm too lazy to go back and check...

Now that I've finished reading, I reassert my thought that you should split this into two chapters, the first ending at "On time" and the second ending here. yes, that's what I'd do. I like short chapters with ominous endings.

Phew, I'm done! Well, thanks for tolerating my latelatelateness. I'm kinda bummed that dude from the subway didn't come back, but I guess I'll have to keep reading for that. ;P

Love, Boredom.
2/9/2009 c3 boredom
this is only the first part of the review. the extreme first part. sorry I'm taking so long - I've suddenly gotten quite busy.

I love the picture btw

Wait, so neither of those was the first chapter? two prologues, huh? well, okay, I guess that's fine... grumble grumble.

"But that’s to be expected, and endured." A little confusing. You mean the cold is to be expected and endured? Yes?

"More comfortable then small, but neatly sorted." I'd say "and" instead of but, or just leave off the "but" altogether, since comfortable and neat are not mutually exclusive.

Ah! A name! You've finally given us a character's name! In that case, since this woman has a name (unlike the dude in the preceding chapter) I would change "She flicked her gaze up to the kitchen" to "Corel flicked" etc, because otherwise the object of the "she" sounds like it's Eve.

You used "softly" twice.

You know, Corel is a really nice name. I realise this more and more as you use it more often. So.

"The magazine was left untouched this time, for the moment the radio can amuse her." the radio could OR the radio would. Also I would change that comma for a dash of a semicolon or a period, since the two pieces of the sentence are really their own sentences.

"The break in to the houses" break-ins at. Also, this will necessitate changing the "was a well-publicized case" to, say, "had been well-publicized."
2/4/2009 c2 WhenceComethThisBoredom
I like how you use a bedtime story to explain the setting. My only suggestion here is that you have the mom be reading the story, not just telling it off the top of her head (or maybe that's the case? or maybe it's oral tradition, like the Odyssey? but then you should make it clear) because the language of the story sounds like writing, not talking; it's too eloquent, too high-flown to be a regular old bedtime tale. Like, maybe say, "She cleared her throat, remembering the words she had heard so many times that she'd memorised them, just as her mother before her" and so on, or "she opened the book and began to read." You get what I mean.

"‘You got bunny there?’" capitalize Bunny, since it's a proper noun.

"‘He sure is, you look after him...'" Period instead of comma after "is".

"worse then your very worse nightmares" than your very worst

"but with knowledge of these laws" I might say "of the faeries' laws" or something, because it's (grammatically) unclear what "these laws" are.

"and in their anger, curse them" just stylistically, I might change it to "or in their anger" or even put a semicolon and then "sometimes they would, in their anger, curse him." (or her.) But that's purely stylistic; I think that it's fine as it stands.

I like the "ensnared... entrapped" parallel.

"man gained a power of their own" of his own. even though man means "humanity", it's still singular and masculine.

you used "trapped" twice in the same paragraph.

yeah, with "man" you've gotta use "his". You could say "the humans" instead of "man", but that doesn't sound as fable-like...

"But man grew greedy," period after greedy, or at least a colon. With the latter the sentences are still causally linked, so maybe that's the better.

"the air grew clogged and dirty by their smog" clogged and dirty with, or clogged and dirtied by

...until nuclear apocalypse broke the gates of their prison and unleashed them upon the world! GRARGH! of course you would cut it off right when the reader is most interested in her story. hmph.

"Quiet would mean peace, it would mean he would be alone. The silent man shifts in his seat. Then again, if he was alone, in quiet, his thoughts would wander out beyond the here and the now, and he's not that sure he wants to go there." i would reorder these sentences like so: "The silent man shifts in his seat. Quiet would mean peace, would mean he would be alone... but then again, if he were alone, in quiet, his thoughts would wander out beyond the here and the now, and he's not that sure he wants to go there." just a suggestion.

"make much noise" makes

"into comforting whir" into the

"He shifts again on the thin, uncomfortable padding of the train seat." for some reason I quite like this sentence; the detail about the padding, I think. no one ever seems to bother with dumpy furniture, just grandiose things like thrones and canopy beds. this mundanity is good. mundane makes for reality. I think I said that before. anyhow.

"another body sets himself down" I'd say itself, just to avoid confusion.

ha ha! he's a homeless bum! and they think he's crazy, too. great, seriously.

I can see this image so clearly, like a comic-book spread: all dark and bland, and this pale small thing staring out the window sort of forlornly. good image. this and the preceding paragraph, very good.

he does a lot of shifting...

"every join in the rail" joint?

"the trains rotating wheels" train's

"it's carriage and cargo" its

"heart beat", one word

"his fellow passengers reaction at his out burst" passengers' reaction at his outburst

The first couple paragraphs of this section were a tad awkward, but this is great, now that you're in your rhythm. The description of the dude, the girl, the train car, the ride, his dozing, his startlement, all great. yeah. he feels kind of like a fugitive, still jumpy, still uncertain, scarred from whatever he's escaped. yes, anyhow, good.

"where her being resided." sounds a little odd. "where she had been", maybe?

I'd make a new paragraph between "gone too." and "He must", to keep the reader from thinking "he" refers to the old man.

"the Underground train breaks" brakes

stolen. yes, he IS a fugitive. I'm sure of it. a fugitive and a bum.

"he steps of the train" off

Wait, Lenape? didn't the lady just say it was Kingscross?

"He supposes its true" it's

i'd put a period after "it doesn't matter much", start a new sentence.

"its far too cold" it's

"the stairs seen through and archway" "the stairs, seen through an archway" or "the stairs he sees through an archway"

"much of it is covered torn posters" much of the tiling is covered in

"next to archway" next to the archway

New Order. They're a band. Or New Orleans, but since he's in the UK I wouldn't expect it. :P

"older mans face" man's

you should say glance or something, since one of the cleaners already looked up at him a few paragraphs earlier.

stairwell, one word

you used memory twice.

ah, so this is AFTER the cataclysm, but BEFORE the bedtime story? or same time as the story?

"THEM.’ Is emblazoned" THEM,' is emblazoned

hmm, you just suddely switched from present to past tense. should be "such posters are" and "he feels" and "he isn't" etc. That confused me for a moment; I thought he was flashing back to something.

"the one needed protection" the one who?

now you're back in present tense, okay. was just that one paragraph. no, wait. "all that is left is". "he owes" "he does not claim" "he has no intention" "he is here staring" "a sob emits from (or better yet, escapes) the man as he thrusts himself away and staggers down" "his uneven footsteps echo" etc.

oh yeah, and it's bear with me.

BUT! my grammar-nazi-ish ways aside, this is a good chapter and I'm quite intrigued. I'm guessing about the dude; I'm wondering if the blond girl or the old man will come back; I KNOW the new or(der) is going to be important; and I'm wondering if bedtime-story lady and bunny-wielding girl will have a further part to play. so. yes. fascist society (oh! who called it?), creepy subways, end of the world. actually, I'm most looking forward to the guy getting out of the subway and we readers getting to see the surface. yes. anyhow.

sorry if I seem nitpicky - I just like to have typos and stuff pointed out to myself, so I'm doing so... and I really can't help it. oh grammar. oh spelling. sigh.
2/2/2009 c1 WhenceComethThisBoredom
sorry, I was too lazy to log in.

Awesome, it's in excerpt format. I love that. ever since I was a little kid. so you already have my approval before I even start reading!

The family would be the Winthrops - no apostrophe. Marvils. Same thing. Otherwise it's possessive, and then you're like, the Winthrop's what? And what is the Winthrop, anyhow? a town? ...so, yeah. sorry, pet peeve of mine.

stylistic note: "But she’s been like that ever since…" sounds like someone talking, and then they kind of fade off, but I think that in text people are more likely to add, "the thing with Johnny" or "what happened last summer" or "yeah." Since she's the only one reading this, she need not fade off because she doesn't want to explain. Simply referencing a time would be good enough, since she would know what "Feb 10" or somesuch would signify. so. just a thought.

"Either by old age or…well otherwise." yeah, this sounds more like a diary. that's what I mean.

I like how she keeps using "ain't". It gives her character.

"Being utterly bored and then completely terrified at the same time." good, that totally summarizes it exactly.

I think you shouldn't have the ... at the end of the 25/09/85 entry. If she got distracted and suddenly stopped writing, it would just end with I; but if she didn't like to think about it, she would probably say something along those lines. just a thought. also, so these are government-sponsored bunkers? seems awfully fascist for the government to have control over the doors otherwise...

similarly, "and a half burnt candle and-" I wouldn't put the hypen at the end. like, here: "don’t have to think about and-d that" I like the idea that she's repeating letters cuz she's distracted and maybe the ground's shaking, but the dash probably wouldn't be there if she were really writing it. because I like the idea of her making mistakes because of the aforementioned reasons, I am will ing to forgive "but its far worse" which should be it's, and "the worlds torn up" which should be world's, but only if that was intentional!

"and I I don’t think we’ll" - yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I like that. In fact, I almost wanted the apostrophe in "everything’s screaming" to be missing for the same reason.

yes! end of the world!

"the abrupt and climatic end" - climactic.

"consequently breaking apart the barrier" - I don't think you need "consequently" here. you used "consequence" in the same sentence, and it's clear the nukes are to blame. maybe rephrase like, "...of the Last War, that the nuclear weaponry that was unleashed upon the world broke apart the barrier to another dimension" or "...of the Last War, the nuclear weaponry that was unleashed upon the world having broken apart the barrier to another dimension". "apart" might also be unnecessary... it sounds a little weird.

it's "otherworldly", one word... but I might rephrase "are creatures from another world, in short, aliens..." to avoid "otherworldly"'s earthbound connotation.

"aversion of running water" - I think it should be "aversion to"

I like how Winnie's prediction about Anne Frank and how people would read her diary after she died totally came true.

nuclear cataclysm releasing a bunch of banished evil faeries, eh? gotta hand it to you, this sounds to me quite original. and it's good so far - I pointed out every single thing that bugged me, for your benefit :)

so, yes. good. and the format reads quick and engaging. yeah.

Two more reviews forthcoming! (I hope this one is adequate...)
11/2/2008 c1 Jilted Eve
This is an interesting start. I loved how it starts with diary entries because then we as the readers might have some background to the story without all the bogged down author's notes. They annoy me if they serve no purpose. The cutting off at the end was clever. The character begins with all this horrible stuff, saying: "It sounds like the worlds torn up, like some big rip in the atmosphere. It was full on bombs until THAT noise, and the ringing and I think my ears are bleeding. Shit. We can feel the shocks. It sounds like everything’s screaming and wailing outside and I I don’t think we’ll" I loved how you left it, as if the diary's to be forgotten as Winnie hurries to do something.

I like Winnie's personality. It almost seems as if the character is sitting right beside you and telling you the story, but sticking to the point and not going on and on about unimportant stuff. This sounds like WW3 but with supernatural creatures. Intersting.

The information about the Phantasms (what a good name-it's not cheesy but it isn't subtle either) I'm guessing these are the fairies, was interesting and how you meantioned how they were from one of the Great Wars and brought out by nuclear weaponry-it kinda makes me think of the ozine layer being destroyed and then, these creatures find an opening and bang! Everybody panics and the world goes to pieces. I wonder waht these fairies look like?

I have no critique because this is a very solid beginning. I'm sure the story will straighten out into an actual novel but diary entries are good too.

I'll keep a look out for this one.



Excellent start.

- AABAT



Ps. Thank you for the sketch of Xavier
9/13/2008 c5 37LaFarfalla
Here’s a review for your story as a whole.

So far, so good. Eariee is interesting, intriguing and fascinating. Here’s why.

The story is well thought out, I think, and captivating. You create your own world with the urban decay setting with fantasy elements. Bravo on creating your own creatures: phantasms, instead of just resorting to the usual vampires or werewolves or something of that nature. Although everything seems all over the place with the prologue and the first chapter, it all comes together in the later chapters.

Your characters are realistic to the point that I can connect and identify with them. I found myself getting nervous when Corel was nervous, scared when she was scared and unsettled when she was unsettled.

Your writing style is excellent. Your descriptions are intense; I could really see the settings as you described them, especially the bar. You’re really good at creating suspense through your writing style. You make the sentences shorter and you add little details to draw the moment out. Adding ellipses even. Good job!

You are amazing at making things creepy. The very beginning with the diary entry regarding nuclear holocaust to the phone call to phantasm saying that little rhyme. But you don’t make things the bad kind of creepy that makes you want to stop reading. You make them the good kind of creepy that makes you want to find out what happens next.

Here’s what I think needs improvement.

You have a few grammatical mistakes and some awkward sentences throughout the chapters. You mistake use ‘then’ instead of ‘than’ a lot. You could fix these silly mistakes just by proofreading your work, or getting a beta reader.

Also, when you switch from the past tense to the present tense it gets confusing. When you make things in the present tense, it makes it a little dramatic. This is a good effect to use in the prologue, because it suggests at something that will happen later on in the story. But using that tense throughout the story makes it a little confusing and unnecessary.

All in all, you have one great story here, sckry! It has a lot of potential and I’ll be coming back to see what happens next!

~Chiblingbaby
9/13/2008 c6 LaFarfalla
Hey there, sckry! This is chiblingbaby paying you back for your marvelous drawing of Nox! This review is full of little details from all your chapters. I wrote it while I was reading the chapter…sort of in “real time”.

A few notes: Wow! What an interesting introduction to your story. Winnie Cottington’s diary entries were very creepy, you made them very realistic. And atomic bombing is never a happy subject. Also, very creepy how the diary cuts off in the end. I like how you summarize what happened with the King’s article. Having that stiff political evaluation follow the first hand account of what was going on added to the creepy factor.

I love how the King references Winnie’s “fairies gone wrong.” Oh Winnie…We barely even knew you…

There were a few grammar errors and spelling errors in this section; like ‘then’ versus ‘than’…but nothing too major that completely brought me out of what I was reading.

I already like what I’m reading. It reminds me of Cloverfield, since in the movie the video was supposedly recovered from the wreckage of New York City similar to how Winnie’s diary is recovered by the government.

Prologue: I love how you start with the bedtime story. It adds a nice touch. Also, I like the names you gave the not-human creatures. Fair Folk sounds like Tolkien’s elves…I guess they’re the phantasms? Things seem a little vague so far but I think it’s supposed to be that way like you said in your author’s note.

“The earth began to weaken and die, until…” Until what? The nuclear war came and the phantasms came back to earth to take control of it? That’s my guess. I am intrigued.

Woah! We switched to present tense! I guess that’s just for the prologue…makes it more dramatic, I suppose.

Just a little word confusion here. “He is exhausted to the point that he could quiet happily fall asleep here.”

“Even lower then before” Watch those ‘than’s versus ‘then’s! Also ‘its’ versus ‘it’s’! Also, you seem to switch to the past tense a little bit. But it’s no big deal.

By the way, I love your writing style. You really paint a picture for the reader in the scene with the guy on the train. I can imagine everything so clearly. When I read the descriptions you had about the cold, I actually started shivering a little.

Excellent prologue. I must read more!

Chapter One: I love what you did with the radio, having the static and everything. A very cool effect.

You seem to be switching between the past and the present tense a lot here. It makes it a little confusing. Also, in the beginning you make it seem like the character’s name is Mary but then you start calling her Corel. Is Corel in Mary’s house or something? Is Mary Eve’s daughter? Or is Corel Eve’s daughter?

Seems to be quite a few more errors in this chapter than the others. Be sure to proofread things before you post them.

You’re very good at creating suspense like when Corel is waiting for the man. Your little details like “her breath turning to mist before her eyes” add to the suspense of the scene. The coldness adds a great element to the scene.

Oh, there’s Mary again. So I guess Mary is Eve’s daughter. I like the last part with Mary and how simplistic her thoughts are.

Chapter Two: I feel so bad for Corel during this interview and I felt nervous right along with her. You succeeded in making the old man stuffy and pompous. When the selector said “‘And I suppose the money earned means nothing to you, eh?” I wanted to punch him the face.

Corel Ashwood is an awesome name, by the way.

Although it’s brief, I like the conversation you have with Corel and Eleni. It really gives you the impression they’re good friends.

Your description of the bar is great, of course. As you describe it, the bar seems really seedy.

I like the way you didn’t throw information about your world into the reader’s face. Instead, you provided the background in the dialogue between the two men. Doing it that way makes it more interesting for the reader. Well done!

Also, I hope Tev is okay…

Woah! We changed to the present tense. I’m a little confused. Who’s point of view is this part supposed to be from? Oh, I see, it’s from Eve’s point of view.

I wonder if the man on the bench is the one from the beginning that was on the train?

Gasp! What a creepy twist, with him being her brother in law that died seven years ago! Very very creepy.

And Corel’s phone call? Very creepy as well.

Chapter Three: Very profound beginning with Eve wondering how her life would have been different. And you built suspense well when you added the … … before saying Eve found a pulse.

Aw that little dream with Corel and Jack is so sad. The conversation in her memory is cute…it’s sad they didn’t end up together.

And I felt bad for Corel when Eve called and hung up on her.

Bran seemed nice…a little too nice…But I couldn’t help but feel bad for him when Corel was being so curt with him.

Hm…I wonder what phantasms look like? That ghostly figure Corel saw out the window has got me wondering.

Chapter Four: Aw, Mary is adorable. I love how everything is so simplistic from her point of view. She just doesn’t get what’s going on. I love how she pokes the guy’s cheek. That’s so cute, but kind of sad that she doesn’t get why he doesn’t wake up. How old is she supposed to be?

Oh no! Eleni’s not at work…I hope her brother’s okay.

“Corel was silent, eyes on her hands and the distorted glass reflection of her face” Very cool image there, especially after Sally says “Everyone’s wondering who the devil is that’s done it.” The ‘devil’ in that sentence and Corel’s distorted glass reflection bring phantasms to mind.

Corel is a good friend for not questioning Eve any further about her brother in law.

Oh my gosh. The phantasm is so scary. The way it spoke that little rhyme was so creepy. Corel was pretty smart though whipping off her necklace and pretending it was iron and silver. That last sentence gave me a little shiver.

~Chiblingbaby
8/13/2008 c2 8Allegra Lena
With chapter two...Again, the opening is just as catching as the quotes in the first

chapter. I enjoyed the way some things are cleared up through the little story

told to the girl. So, the opening really pulls you in more, for me at least, since it

explains more. The ending is quite interesting, seeing as this unnamed man runs

off. It's a great way to end a chapter with a question: Why is he running? What

is going on with the Government that makes him so...upset? This far into the

story, I feel as though the pace is just right. It starts somewhat slow, trying to

raise questions to keep the reader interested and for the genre of writing, it does

leave time for details and the like while the build-up continues. With the guy

who seems to be a main character, he is certainly an interesting one. He seems

developed enough for the reader to be able to sympathize with him, but he also

grabs at a person's curiousity. For isntance, Why is he so jumpy on the train?

What is it that made him so tired throughout this chapter? I think it's a really good start on a character. The writing itself was done wonderfully. The vocabulary is quite extensive and doesn't seem to use the same words over and over, which is always good. :) It's quite descriptive, which can be a bad thing if over-used, but it wasn't too over-used in this chapter, seeing as it's only the beginning. This really is an appealing story- great work.
8/13/2008 c1 Allegra Lena
As for this chapter, the opening is really intriguing. The opening quotes were catching and appropiate for the story so far. In the same way, the ending excerpts from the article on the Phantasms kept the reader interested. The writing for this particular chapter was done well also. It didn't seem overly descriptive or too vague for the style of the diary entries and article. I think the technique was creative, but it was slightly hard to follow the diary entries, since the reader doesn't fully understand what the future is like for the characters. But the use of it really added to the tone of the story. I felt like it helped with the whole "tragedy and war" sorta feel, like when the girl writing mentioned Anne Frank, so the diary entries were smart. As for the overall plot, I think the idea of Phantasms is really different; I haven't seen any other stories with this type of thing. The idea that the humans also unleashed the Phantasms through the Last War. This is a really amazing story thus far. :)
8/4/2008 c6 1artificial destiny
haha mary is cute, so is the dialogue between her and her mom.

descriptions are really good in this chapter too

especially the scene with the phantasm. (shudders)
8/4/2008 c5 artificial destiny
things are starting to tie together and make more sense now. i hope it picks up :)

btw i really like your voice. I'm not sure if its the way you phrase things or in the sentence structure but its unique! keep it up!
8/4/2008 c4 artificial destiny
okay thats crazyy.

first off, realistic interview session :)

i'd get annoyed if my interviewer didn't even remember my name.

and then theres mary's mom. what an ... interesting scenario. she was going to kill someone with a kitchen knife. why couldnt she just have left him? a dead man is a dead man right?

and that he was not only her brother in law but also dead for 7 years is slightly creepy.

not sure what to make of the plot yet though.
8/4/2008 c3 artificial destiny
"More comfortable then small" (than?)

you do have great dialogue!

it flows really well.

wonder what happened to the man though O..o
8/4/2008 c2 artificial destiny
hmm this is interesting.

nice way to introduce the setting/background info.

maybe describe the storyteller and how she presents her story, was she shaking her head disappointed? in anger?

I really like the nameless traveler person :)

you say you cant describe. *cough. modest cough*

it was really good!
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