for Claire10/21/2016 c1 Guest
These characters are so perfectly normal that I've completely fallen in love with them. You know the burning feeling you get in your gut when it just twists for some characters. That's how you know it's a story that was worth staying up till 2 am. This was bloody amazing and I can't wait to read Lee!
These characters are so perfectly normal that I've completely fallen in love with them. You know the burning feeling you get in your gut when it just twists for some characters. That's how you know it's a story that was worth staying up till 2 am. This was bloody amazing and I can't wait to read Lee!
5/31/2013 c2 Guest
This story... The words you have given us allow us to fashion Claire in out minds eye, see what she looks like to us. This story was the first one to make tears well up in my eyes, and to make me laugh. Spendid writing.
This story... The words you have given us allow us to fashion Claire in out minds eye, see what she looks like to us. This story was the first one to make tears well up in my eyes, and to make me laugh. Spendid writing.
12/4/2012 c3 Guest
thats sad my name is claire kind of rude
thats sad my name is claire kind of rude
4/7/2010 c2 RaNdOm PaNdAmOdIuM liVeR
wow...
one question, "Was this depicted off of real events?"
it didn't seem real to me
(did i reviw this story before... ah well i don't remember if i did)
wow...
one question, "Was this depicted off of real events?"
it didn't seem real to me
(did i reviw this story before... ah well i don't remember if i did)
11/19/2009 c3 RaNdOm PaNdAmOdIuM liVeR
Nice very geniuine true story about how a lot of girls see them selves. heck thats how i even think of myself...except unlike girls who have been told they're ugly i was always told i was pretty (only by my family)... but i know they're wrong i'm a really ugly bitch...so thanks a lot your story made me feel like crap
Nice very geniuine true story about how a lot of girls see them selves. heck thats how i even think of myself...except unlike girls who have been told they're ugly i was always told i was pretty (only by my family)... but i know they're wrong i'm a really ugly bitch...so thanks a lot your story made me feel like crap
12/4/2008 c2 
2righthere431
yayy! I'm so happy! =] I'm glad not only because Lee, Kelly, and Phillip has made Claire go out of her comfort zone but also because Phillip can make Claire happy =]
2righthere431yayy! I'm so happy! =] I'm glad not only because Lee, Kelly, and Phillip has made Claire go out of her comfort zone but also because Phillip can make Claire happy =]
12/4/2008 c1 righthere431
aww come on Claire...give Phillip a chance. And I'm also glad that she met Kelly and Lee and became friends =]
aww come on Claire...give Phillip a chance. And I'm also glad that she met Kelly and Lee and became friends =]
12/4/2008 c3 Noie
I'm glad that Lee is getting her own story. I'm looking forward to Kelly's as well!
I'm glad that Lee is getting her own story. I'm looking forward to Kelly's as well!
4/12/2008 c2 4Bitten by a cow
Oh, one thing I forgot to mention last chapter: you made it sound as though Lee likes Philip when you said she blushed about him. I think it would be better if you said something like, she "mumbled nervously" or something. When you use verbs that have emotion, you want to make sure that they have the right emotion. While I'm babbling about emotion verbs, I just read that Philip "snaked his hand around her waist." If he's trying at all to make Claire comfortable, then he would probably not do that. Why is he holding her, if he's so awkward? And I'm almost positive that there aren't any doctors who would force a girl to hold a guy's hand.
Ah, but I like this part here: Philip asks her if she's looked in the morning, and she answers, "Every morning." That really is a good - err, that's not the right word...how about sad, depressing - reply. I really felt how sad she was. That was excellent. The only thing is, you wrote, "'Every morning.' Claire said," which, as I said a minute ago, is a little more difficult to read. I think if you just changed it to, "Every morning,' Claire stated (add adverb here, like, stiffly or solemnly, etc.)."
Oh, one more thing. You keep using their names, but I suggest you use pronouns (he, she, it, etc.) more often. If you just have a guy and a girl in a particular scene, then it's even more effective. It's a bit more difficult if you have two girls or two guys, or whatever, but it's still helpful to the reader if you use pronouns more often than not.
Philip has grinned a lot. Try using a few more verbs for it, like, smiled, smirked, and so on.
Wow. I love the beating-of-Philip part. I think I'd do that too, though. Pervert, he is, to just grab her waist like that. That was an amazing scene. Please, do that again!
Well, I'll be honest: the last scene was a little cliche. While nothing is really wrong with being cliche, it can always gain improvement. I'd suggest just going over that last bit and changing up a few small things. I also think that, after Philip's "speech," he would actually kiss her, rather than hug her. However, that is entirely up to you.
I hope my large criticism has helped. If I offended you in any way whatsoever, I apologize deeply. That's it!
Bitten
Smile! :) God loves you!
4Bitten by a cowOh, one thing I forgot to mention last chapter: you made it sound as though Lee likes Philip when you said she blushed about him. I think it would be better if you said something like, she "mumbled nervously" or something. When you use verbs that have emotion, you want to make sure that they have the right emotion. While I'm babbling about emotion verbs, I just read that Philip "snaked his hand around her waist." If he's trying at all to make Claire comfortable, then he would probably not do that. Why is he holding her, if he's so awkward? And I'm almost positive that there aren't any doctors who would force a girl to hold a guy's hand.
Ah, but I like this part here: Philip asks her if she's looked in the morning, and she answers, "Every morning." That really is a good - err, that's not the right word...how about sad, depressing - reply. I really felt how sad she was. That was excellent. The only thing is, you wrote, "'Every morning.' Claire said," which, as I said a minute ago, is a little more difficult to read. I think if you just changed it to, "Every morning,' Claire stated (add adverb here, like, stiffly or solemnly, etc.)."
Oh, one more thing. You keep using their names, but I suggest you use pronouns (he, she, it, etc.) more often. If you just have a guy and a girl in a particular scene, then it's even more effective. It's a bit more difficult if you have two girls or two guys, or whatever, but it's still helpful to the reader if you use pronouns more often than not.
Philip has grinned a lot. Try using a few more verbs for it, like, smiled, smirked, and so on.
Wow. I love the beating-of-Philip part. I think I'd do that too, though. Pervert, he is, to just grab her waist like that. That was an amazing scene. Please, do that again!
Well, I'll be honest: the last scene was a little cliche. While nothing is really wrong with being cliche, it can always gain improvement. I'd suggest just going over that last bit and changing up a few small things. I also think that, after Philip's "speech," he would actually kiss her, rather than hug her. However, that is entirely up to you.
I hope my large criticism has helped. If I offended you in any way whatsoever, I apologize deeply. That's it!
Bitten
Smile! :) God loves you!
4/12/2008 c1 Bitten by a cow
Ouch. That's a very mean grandma.
Note: you used, "'Person's words here.' They said." But proper grammar would be, "'Person's words here,' they said." It's not much of a difference, but it's easier to read.
Also, try to spark up your writing with more powerful verbs and nouns. "Said" works sometimes, but overusing it can bore readers. Try using colorful verbs, like, "Smirked," "Muttered," "Hissed," and "Screeched," (my personal favorite) because they are all strong verbs that show emotion. "Stated" is also good for a solemn character. Looking up words in a thesaurus is helpful, too) often gives you a bigger and more exciting vocabulary.
Hmm...I think that's all I can critique! I like how you made Claire confused by Philip, and how she had a rather depressing background. Just spice up your vocabulary a bit, switch to the comma instead of the period when your characters are speaking, and it's all good!
Bitten
Smile! :) God loves you!
Ouch. That's a very mean grandma.
Note: you used, "'Person's words here.' They said." But proper grammar would be, "'Person's words here,' they said." It's not much of a difference, but it's easier to read.
Also, try to spark up your writing with more powerful verbs and nouns. "Said" works sometimes, but overusing it can bore readers. Try using colorful verbs, like, "Smirked," "Muttered," "Hissed," and "Screeched," (my personal favorite) because they are all strong verbs that show emotion. "Stated" is also good for a solemn character. Looking up words in a thesaurus is helpful, too) often gives you a bigger and more exciting vocabulary.
Hmm...I think that's all I can critique! I like how you made Claire confused by Philip, and how she had a rather depressing background. Just spice up your vocabulary a bit, switch to the comma instead of the period when your characters are speaking, and it's all good!
Bitten
Smile! :) God loves you!
3/30/2008 c2 8Written
(Are you cold, or is your cheery spirit merely shining through more today then usual?)
hahaha. that sounds like a really polite pickup line.
aw my gosh! that was so incredibly sweet! well done, seriously. so wonderful. you have a talent :)
8Written(Are you cold, or is your cheery spirit merely shining through more today then usual?)
hahaha. that sounds like a really polite pickup line.
aw my gosh! that was so incredibly sweet! well done, seriously. so wonderful. you have a talent :)
3/30/2008 c1 Written
um... excuse me, miss, why haven't you ever told me to read more of your stories! I totally love this! I'm only half way down the chapter, but it's awesome.
Hahaha I just feel dumb for not reading this before now.
phillip is such a sweet heart.
can't wait to read the rest :)
um... excuse me, miss, why haven't you ever told me to read more of your stories! I totally love this! I'm only half way down the chapter, but it's awesome.
Hahaha I just feel dumb for not reading this before now.
phillip is such a sweet heart.
can't wait to read the rest :)
3/28/2008 c2 21Nina Kindred
Fabulous! I haven't seen a girl in a shell story this good since Rocky. Rocky I that is. Keep up the great work. I can't wait!
21Nina KindredFabulous! I haven't seen a girl in a shell story this good since Rocky. Rocky I that is. Keep up the great work. I can't wait!
3/18/2008 c2 Float a Boat
This was an amazing story. I really could feel the emotions that the characters are experiencing. I'm glad Claire finally let Phillip in and was starting to believe in herself. I would love to read more about them.
This was an amazing story. I really could feel the emotions that the characters are experiencing. I'm glad Claire finally let Phillip in and was starting to believe in herself. I would love to read more about them.