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for Falling from Great Heights

11/27/2014 c1 2KaosCumberbatch
JESUS CHRIST! I can't breathe. I just can't. You're absolutely sick. You're mental... I like you. Now I must go read everything else you've ever written.
11/4/2008 c1 3Cambion
HOLY FUCK, that was unexpected.

The last few paragraphs were... disturbing.
5/28/2008 c1 8Kar-zid
Woah, he killed his son! Great story, very well written and I could feel to psychoticness of the main character!
5/27/2008 c1 1soojinyeh
The start kind of confused me. Why does he want to torture himself? And why is he all alone? How did he get to the point he's at today?

And why does he hate Helen...? Does he feel worthless compared to her because she makes more money? I get that he feels she cares more about her job than him, but why?

The characterization on Richard amazed me. I hated him after the first few sentences. He made me want to throw up, and then go in the story and murder him brutally.

The part where he finds Aaron's head was confusing at first-so he reached into his bag and found his son's head? What just happened? But then I realized he'd already killed his son. He's carrying the severed head around in his bag.

Unbelieveable. At first I thought he was planning to kill his ex-wife, but he was planning to show her his son's severed head and traumatize her.

I really wish he HAD killed himself. That would've made me feel so much better.

why don't you make this into a multi-chapter story? I mean, it's such a heavy scene, and there's just so much in it that leaves me wondering what happened before, during, after, and why.
5/19/2008 c1 3audreyhaz
Whoa! I really didn't see that coming. I figured that whatever he had had to have been important but not like that.

Very surprising!
4/30/2008 c1 ATOxxOTA
You are one twisted kid... I've read some of your other stuff and its all deeply disturbing.. I hope this is what you wanted to achieve
3/23/2008 c1 16Cheeseraptor5
Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. It's a delicious little nugget of bloody prose so sweet that I'm sure it's given me diabetes. Thank you so much for your contribution!
3/22/2008 c1 2Seigetsu Ren
Sorry if my review sounds fragmented. I'll be writing as I read along.

Plot: I think this had an empty feeling to it. It felt like plain gore, but nothing much to back it up. Consider describing his heartbeat, the fantasies of torture he had in his head, scary voices...things that made it seem like he was very psychotic, which he is.

Characters: This ties with the plot. There is not enough description about the characters for me to feel it. I don't really feel anger or sympathy or...anything for them. A bit more would help the characters seem more realistic.

Writing: It was good overall. The flow was fluid. The choice of words were simple. You need to have more depth though. This wasn't enough for me to feel anything, as I've said before. In writing horror, I think the mention of bone is actually quite chilling as blood is so overused. The white of bone against the brown of drying blood is always a very vivid image in writing.

Dialogue: There wasn't much of that, but the last line he said before he dumped his head down the building was good. A bit more dialogue would actually be better since it tells more than just description about the characters.

In general, it was still a good story. Just a bit of touching up needed in order to deliver more emotions.
3/22/2008 c1 4Stylo

It's incredibly morbid and gruesome, which you very well know as you put it under the horror section. Even though I'm not usually into that sorta thing, I actually quite liked this. Here's why:

Firstly, you gave no indication as to where the story was going. Usually these angsty pieces start off with the horrible deed they did. Boohoo, sadness, that gives the character more of a reason to kill himself, blah and such. In this piece, when he liften Aaron's head outta the bag I was really taken aback. It was ghastly and so well written at the same time.

Secondly, you haven't just harped on the fact that he's alone NOW. You've given him a backstory. Again, it isn't all boohoo look at me I'm all alone. The man's different - he blames his wife. He isn't self-pitying. He hates her. Also, he's complex. He isn't a 2D angsty guy - he loves his son and still manages to kill him. Again, disturbing. But it was done well.

Finally, you end it at this really quiet note. The entire piece moves with the kind of quiet intensity, which never wavers. It's this sort of cold hatred. When you end on a note like that, it leaves a lasting impact on your reader. I know it did for me.

All in all, good job.
3/19/2008 c1 19sugaplumprincess
That was… actually one of the most disturbing things I’ve read in a long time. At the end I was not only shocked but also horrified. Um, wow. I can’t say I actually enjoyed it, and as it’s in horror/tragedy, I think that’s almost a given, but it was one of those things to make you think. I think I’m going to crawl back into my escapist fantasy bubble now.

It was really well written, you build to the ending well, giving little insights that let the reader know kind of how the divorce went. You also hint that the problems were his without really showing or explain them, leaving it possible to think feel sorry for the suicidal man up until the end. By the way that is one disturbed character you created. I think you portrayed him as sympathetically as possible, making the ending that much worse when it finally came. *shudder*

Hm, no dialogue to mention. I didn’t catch any spelling or grammar errors. The plot as far as it went developed through the stages, you didn’t leave a big gap or anything, or draw out the middle too much. Um, it was a good way of showing how crazy someone can be? Sorry, I’m still a bit bothered by it, which was probably what you were going for, heh.
3/19/2008 c1 5loves him
I've never really read a horror piece before, so this is a new experience for me. The word 'disgusting' comes to my mind right now. But I guess that it isn't really a bad thing considering the genre of this piece. When Richard pulled out Aaron's head, WOW was I grossed out.

I liked how you worded Richard's reaction to smelling Aaron. Again, the actual action was appalling, but your careful word choice got across the idea of Richard receiving closure, like "Every joint in his body relaxed, giving way". So kudos to you on that. That one paragraph probably helped show Richard's progress as a character more than anything else.

Good job on building suspense. Since I usually don't read horror, I kind of didn't want to read, but I continued because you had me hooked. Another goal that you've accomplished.

The only thing that you could work on would be grammar. There were at least a couple of instances where your grammar was off and the mistakes kind of took away attention from the story. e.g. "letting blood and white chunks filling the air" should be 'filled the air'

All in all, great job.

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