Just In
for Incompletion

12/28/2008 c1 2dragonflydreamer
I love the format of this. I've seen pieces like this before, but you managed to do it the best that I've seen. They way your poetry and your prose blended together was beautiful.

Your descriptions were also wonderful. I could picture everything as clearly as if I were experiencing it, and the words flowed together perfectly.

~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
3/21/2008 c1 102Midnight In Eden
I have to admit, while I really enjoy the prose, the haikus fall a little flat for me.

For example, in the first one, the phrase "you say" doesn't really feel necessary due to the inference of "you wish" and so it just feels like filler syllables. In the second one, it's a little simple again and I have one suggestion - "your" instead of "you"? To be honest, the last one was my least favourite due to the first line which feels so trite amongst a piece with very good imagery.

Few suggestions for the prose sections (though mostly nitpicky)

1. "when one is out so late with loved ones", I personally don't feel the "one is" to be necessary here and the repetition of "one" here feels almost too lofty.

2. "beautiful" is a bit blah in reference to the eyes. I'd just prefer the comparisons without that as it just cheapens that sentence for me.

3. "There is nothing shameful in wanting what you do not have. Everyone covets." I'm thinking a dash instead of a period there. It feels a little too staccato otherwise.

4. The comma before "and even if it’s not" isn't necessary and actually makes that fragment a parenthetic element which confuses the whole sentence.

5. The comma before the next "and" is also not necessary.

Otherwise, I like this exploration of the haibun format. It does tend to the trite in places but overall is a solid piece. With some tweaking and perhaps more vivid imagery in places I think it'd be a solid piece.

Good luck,


Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service