for Pictures from Niger8/3/2009 c1 
12StaringATAwall
I didn't like it and was a little disappointed. I read & liked your other poem but not this one. The only phrase i like was "even without rights you must fight."
The worst (and possibly the part that ruined it for me) was "but she struggled through, somehow got her children back". It destroys the poem for me. "though she struggled through" might have worked for me... We'll never know, will we?
12StaringATAwallI didn't like it and was a little disappointed. I read & liked your other poem but not this one. The only phrase i like was "even without rights you must fight."
The worst (and possibly the part that ruined it for me) was "but she struggled through, somehow got her children back". It destroys the poem for me. "though she struggled through" might have worked for me... We'll never know, will we?
7/14/2009 c1 9Narq
Wow. That's really only what I can say. This is a beautiful poem. The structure was wonderful, the formatting was great and you kept me right through the whole thing.
"Those norms have left/scars, though," take the 'though' away. It weakens your point.
"and she was just a mother." See if you want to give "mother" a new line by itself to emphasize the point.
I'm really sorry but I love this poem and I'm being really picky: "But she struggled through,/somehow got her children back./And taught her daughter/that every scar/makes you stronger;/even without rights/you must fight." My opinions: No "somehow", no "and" and no "that". Give: "you must fight" a captital Y.
Narq.
9NarqWow. That's really only what I can say. This is a beautiful poem. The structure was wonderful, the formatting was great and you kept me right through the whole thing.
"Those norms have left/scars, though," take the 'though' away. It weakens your point.
"and she was just a mother." See if you want to give "mother" a new line by itself to emphasize the point.
I'm really sorry but I love this poem and I'm being really picky: "But she struggled through,/somehow got her children back./And taught her daughter/that every scar/makes you stronger;/even without rights/you must fight." My opinions: No "somehow", no "and" and no "that". Give: "you must fight" a captital Y.
Narq.
9/14/2008 c1 1FirstBloom13
Review Marathon!
wow. that was really, truly, touching.
likes: it felt so, so, real. you really got the message across that even though she was being repressed in every way, she had hope and she perservered.
dislikes: I think if you removed the periods, it would be better flowing and would have more rythem.
all in all, I REALLY enjoyed it. I hope to finish the rest of the collection.
1FirstBloom13Review Marathon!
wow. that was really, truly, touching.
likes: it felt so, so, real. you really got the message across that even though she was being repressed in every way, she had hope and she perservered.
dislikes: I think if you removed the periods, it would be better flowing and would have more rythem.
all in all, I REALLY enjoyed it. I hope to finish the rest of the collection.
4/17/2008 c2 1A. James Robin
This poem is very beautiful in a technical sort of way. I like how you kind of mixed the emotions of the poem with the politics and the UN and stuff like that. I think that more poets in the world today need to actually talk about their world, and not just themselves. Anyway, there wasn't really anything i didn't like about it. It was just great all the way through.
1A. James RobinThis poem is very beautiful in a technical sort of way. I like how you kind of mixed the emotions of the poem with the politics and the UN and stuff like that. I think that more poets in the world today need to actually talk about their world, and not just themselves. Anyway, there wasn't really anything i didn't like about it. It was just great all the way through.
4/15/2008 c2 495mate.feed.kill.repeat
This piece is equally heartbreaking and moving, heightened by how it started so cheerfully but by the end was sad and hopeless once again.
Some parts I don't understand are what you mean by "school leavers" and "NGOs." I'd guess that a "school leaver" would just be something like a high school dropout, but I really have no idea as to NGOs.
The flow was beautiful. The words describing how you tried to explain to this African man were extremely powerful and created a really strong image.
I liked the last stanza a lot. You wrote it so well that it can be applied to many more situations than just the clash of culture and lifestyle.
This piece is full of feeling and raw emotion, but not overly so. It was very well-written and easy to read, just like the first. The two flow together well to describe two separate situations inside of the same problem.
Great job. Are you going to post more in this collection? I really like it.
-stix-
495mate.feed.kill.repeatThis piece is equally heartbreaking and moving, heightened by how it started so cheerfully but by the end was sad and hopeless once again.
Some parts I don't understand are what you mean by "school leavers" and "NGOs." I'd guess that a "school leaver" would just be something like a high school dropout, but I really have no idea as to NGOs.
The flow was beautiful. The words describing how you tried to explain to this African man were extremely powerful and created a really strong image.
I liked the last stanza a lot. You wrote it so well that it can be applied to many more situations than just the clash of culture and lifestyle.
This piece is full of feeling and raw emotion, but not overly so. It was very well-written and easy to read, just like the first. The two flow together well to describe two separate situations inside of the same problem.
Great job. Are you going to post more in this collection? I really like it.
-stix-
4/15/2008 c1 mate.feed.kill.repeat
This is a very powerful and moving piece. The first stanza really got me interested and carried all the way through to the end. The imagery created is absolutely stunning.
I liked how it flowed-very nice. You chose good words to compliment the images you wanted to create and to keep the flow constant. You broke up the stanzas in a very logical pattern and it was very easy to read (not confusing).
The emotion is heartbreaking. To a girl living in the United States with all the freedom imaginable... this is so hard to imagine, to be labled a whore just because of wearing jeans. It's horrible.
Poetry like this can really open people's eyes to what it's like to live in an impoverished contry. This was a well-written, moving piece. You said you visited Niger?
-stix-
This is a very powerful and moving piece. The first stanza really got me interested and carried all the way through to the end. The imagery created is absolutely stunning.
I liked how it flowed-very nice. You chose good words to compliment the images you wanted to create and to keep the flow constant. You broke up the stanzas in a very logical pattern and it was very easy to read (not confusing).
The emotion is heartbreaking. To a girl living in the United States with all the freedom imaginable... this is so hard to imagine, to be labled a whore just because of wearing jeans. It's horrible.
Poetry like this can really open people's eyes to what it's like to live in an impoverished contry. This was a well-written, moving piece. You said you visited Niger?
-stix-
4/12/2008 c2 612simpleplan13
Your descriptions of him were really interesting and I like the way you describe your world vs. his... that was really interesting. Though I'm still a bit unclear about exactly what NGOs are.
his eyes are full of spark... full of spark just sounded awkward to me. Shouldn't it be sparks? or a spark? I dunno
In the third stanza... I wasn't a big fan of the repetition of he's full of. Especially since you only do it twice. If it was the whole stanza it'd seem better.. I dunno if that makes sense... lol
I felt like he nods me on should have an as before it. Otherwise it seems like a runon sentence or something... I dunno just a thought
Here's the other thing you make it seem like NGOs arent something for him because he is a bright idealist. But you say he's hopeful that you businesses are like that. I'm thinking maybe they don't realize the truth about the NGOs? But that wasn't really explained.. or maybe I missed something.
I absolutely love the ending. Going from the same room to different worlds was really great.
612simpleplan13Your descriptions of him were really interesting and I like the way you describe your world vs. his... that was really interesting. Though I'm still a bit unclear about exactly what NGOs are.
his eyes are full of spark... full of spark just sounded awkward to me. Shouldn't it be sparks? or a spark? I dunno
In the third stanza... I wasn't a big fan of the repetition of he's full of. Especially since you only do it twice. If it was the whole stanza it'd seem better.. I dunno if that makes sense... lol
I felt like he nods me on should have an as before it. Otherwise it seems like a runon sentence or something... I dunno just a thought
Here's the other thing you make it seem like NGOs arent something for him because he is a bright idealist. But you say he's hopeful that you businesses are like that. I'm thinking maybe they don't realize the truth about the NGOs? But that wasn't really explained.. or maybe I missed something.
I absolutely love the ending. Going from the same room to different worlds was really great.
4/12/2008 c2 22Starleaf
This isn't really my type of poem; I'm more into like, hurt/comfort and romance, but I actually like this one. As I was reading it I could picture the man's confused face. It's true - so many countries are really a culture shock.
As for what I disliked, I'd say...
"work for the UN and drive
sparkling, high-slung
4x4s through the
dusty, mud-hut flanked streets."
It seemed a bit choppy to me. If I were writing it, I'd write it as
"work for the un and drive
sparkling, high-slung 4x4s
through the dusty, mud-hut flanked streets."
But that's just me. :D
22StarleafThis isn't really my type of poem; I'm more into like, hurt/comfort and romance, but I actually like this one. As I was reading it I could picture the man's confused face. It's true - so many countries are really a culture shock.
As for what I disliked, I'd say...
"work for the UN and drive
sparkling, high-slung
4x4s through the
dusty, mud-hut flanked streets."
It seemed a bit choppy to me. If I were writing it, I'd write it as
"work for the un and drive
sparkling, high-slung 4x4s
through the dusty, mud-hut flanked streets."
But that's just me. :D
3/21/2008 c1 121doctor's diagnosis
Amazing. It's not fluff poetry like you see all too often. I wish I could write like this.
The lines being broken up like that, I like that a lot here. It works.
"Those norms have left/scars, though,/seared straight through/her soul."
I love that part. It's so honest and scary and gosh, it's perfect.
Amazing job,
Rachel (from the Review Game!)
121doctor's diagnosisAmazing. It's not fluff poetry like you see all too often. I wish I could write like this.
The lines being broken up like that, I like that a lot here. It works.
"Those norms have left/scars, though,/seared straight through/her soul."
I love that part. It's so honest and scary and gosh, it's perfect.
Amazing job,
Rachel (from the Review Game!)
3/21/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
For the most part I liked the flow. The lines were separated nicely and the punctuation really helped the flow as well. One part though... in the third stanza the line length seemed a bit off. And also "But she is no prostitute/and she’s not afraid." I feel like so she's not afraid might flow better
As I said I liked the punctuation because it worked well with the flow, but two things... "under her grand-mother’s"... grandmother's (though maybe that's a country grammar thing) and
"makes you stronger;/even without rights"... I didn't like the semicolon here. Maybe it's just me, but those two thoughts seem to separate to be connected with a semicolon
I guess this is kinda other, but the fifth stanza just confused me at first. When I got to the second to last line I reread it and then I got the no children thing. But starting with that especially since it could've been about the grandmother, the girl or the mother just confused me a bit.
As for the images and descriptions... well they weren't particularly poetic except the third stanza, which I really loved. However as far as physical descriptions go they were interesting and they kept my attention. I could visualize here there. And I also love how the description of her in the beginning and ending relate.
One image/word choice I'm not sure which I didn't like was "Her hair is slung back/in a careless neckscarf" How is a neckscarf careless? It just didn't seem like fitting personification. Did you mean she did it carelessly in a neckscarf? Or maybe I'm just missing something...
What's funny about the subject matter is the last depth review I gave to A Perfect Sonnet was a character sketch as well, but they were so incredibly different, though both nice. Yours is very straightforward, but without sounding like prose, which is a really hard balance to find.
I liked it. It was very interesting... especially how it switches back... wow ok I just wrote that whole review and now I realized I'm confused. Was the whole piece except the last stanza about the mother? I assumed that it was about a girl and then it switched to the mother, but now I'm not so sure. So my complaint would be it's a bit confusing. It starts about a person, but then when you bring in the grandmother and mother thing it's hard to tell whose mother it is and who had no children and if the description is about the character's mother making the last line her daughter which is who we started with or what.
PS Review Game & please reply and explain to me because I manage to completely confuse me and if I confused you please let me know
612simpleplan13For the most part I liked the flow. The lines were separated nicely and the punctuation really helped the flow as well. One part though... in the third stanza the line length seemed a bit off. And also "But she is no prostitute/and she’s not afraid." I feel like so she's not afraid might flow better
As I said I liked the punctuation because it worked well with the flow, but two things... "under her grand-mother’s"... grandmother's (though maybe that's a country grammar thing) and
"makes you stronger;/even without rights"... I didn't like the semicolon here. Maybe it's just me, but those two thoughts seem to separate to be connected with a semicolon
I guess this is kinda other, but the fifth stanza just confused me at first. When I got to the second to last line I reread it and then I got the no children thing. But starting with that especially since it could've been about the grandmother, the girl or the mother just confused me a bit.
As for the images and descriptions... well they weren't particularly poetic except the third stanza, which I really loved. However as far as physical descriptions go they were interesting and they kept my attention. I could visualize here there. And I also love how the description of her in the beginning and ending relate.
One image/word choice I'm not sure which I didn't like was "Her hair is slung back/in a careless neckscarf" How is a neckscarf careless? It just didn't seem like fitting personification. Did you mean she did it carelessly in a neckscarf? Or maybe I'm just missing something...
What's funny about the subject matter is the last depth review I gave to A Perfect Sonnet was a character sketch as well, but they were so incredibly different, though both nice. Yours is very straightforward, but without sounding like prose, which is a really hard balance to find.
I liked it. It was very interesting... especially how it switches back... wow ok I just wrote that whole review and now I realized I'm confused. Was the whole piece except the last stanza about the mother? I assumed that it was about a girl and then it switched to the mother, but now I'm not so sure. So my complaint would be it's a bit confusing. It starts about a person, but then when you bring in the grandmother and mother thing it's hard to tell whose mother it is and who had no children and if the description is about the character's mother making the last line her daughter which is who we started with or what.
PS Review Game & please reply and explain to me because I manage to completely confuse me and if I confused you please let me know
3/21/2008 c1 4Stylo
Wow.
That's incredibly powerful imagery. It's quite moving.
Only one thing: "Grandmother" can be written as one word.
Otherwise...Good job :)
4StyloWow.
That's incredibly powerful imagery. It's quite moving.
Only one thing: "Grandmother" can be written as one word.
Otherwise...Good job :)
3/21/2008 c1 59Tranquil Thorns
Very interesting!
You managed to show us this woman's strength of character quite well. Lovely wording, and it's heart-breaking in some parts, but I like the undertone of might and courage.
I'm interested in reading more of these.
59Tranquil ThornsVery interesting!
You managed to show us this woman's strength of character quite well. Lovely wording, and it's heart-breaking in some parts, but I like the undertone of might and courage.
I'm interested in reading more of these.