for Memories5/9/2008 c2 
9DreamSweet
So you already know I like your story and this chapter was good because we met more of the characters.
My criticism this time is an important one, your paragraphs here are way too long. They were long but manageable in the last chapter but here they're just huge.
Part of the reason that they're so long is that you don't follow the rule about speech, which states that each time a new character begins to speak you begin a new paragraph. It's an easy way to break up your paragraphs and make your writing correct at the same time.
Good job.
9DreamSweetSo you already know I like your story and this chapter was good because we met more of the characters.
My criticism this time is an important one, your paragraphs here are way too long. They were long but manageable in the last chapter but here they're just huge.
Part of the reason that they're so long is that you don't follow the rule about speech, which states that each time a new character begins to speak you begin a new paragraph. It's an easy way to break up your paragraphs and make your writing correct at the same time.
Good job.
5/9/2008 c1 DreamSweet
This story seems sad, and a good read. You've done everything really well, some of the writing reminds me of Joanne Harris, the author of Chocolat in case you didn't know...
I do have one criticism, you seem to divulge way too much information about your character in this one chapter, maybe leaving us in a bit of suspense and revealing some things later on would work better?
I still liked it this way though, very nice. I'll be reading on.
This story seems sad, and a good read. You've done everything really well, some of the writing reminds me of Joanne Harris, the author of Chocolat in case you didn't know...
I do have one criticism, you seem to divulge way too much information about your character in this one chapter, maybe leaving us in a bit of suspense and revealing some things later on would work better?
I still liked it this way though, very nice. I'll be reading on.