for The Last Train7/21/2013 c1 Guest
Great, now I'm hungry -.-
Great, now I'm hungry -.-
6/7/2008 c1 
71Bob Evans
I don't usually read one-shots, but I followed a trail of reviews back to your profile, and all the evidence along the way seemed to tell me to read this story. And I must admit, this was certainly one of the most interesting ones I've read in awhile. I enjoyed how it went from normal one moment, to horrifically screwed up the next, and then quite suddenly back to normal, with only the carnage left behind as evidence that a reality transition had ever taken place. The descriptions seemed a little unnecessarily complex, but it kept the writing fresh. I also think the ending was a little abrupt, since we had plenty of set-up time getting into the scene, and only a brief interlude as we got back out. Nevertheless, aside from that, it was sufficiently lengthened to tell the tale you told.
Mucho kudos. Keep writing.
~Bob Evans
71Bob EvansI don't usually read one-shots, but I followed a trail of reviews back to your profile, and all the evidence along the way seemed to tell me to read this story. And I must admit, this was certainly one of the most interesting ones I've read in awhile. I enjoyed how it went from normal one moment, to horrifically screwed up the next, and then quite suddenly back to normal, with only the carnage left behind as evidence that a reality transition had ever taken place. The descriptions seemed a little unnecessarily complex, but it kept the writing fresh. I also think the ending was a little abrupt, since we had plenty of set-up time getting into the scene, and only a brief interlude as we got back out. Nevertheless, aside from that, it was sufficiently lengthened to tell the tale you told.
Mucho kudos. Keep writing.
~Bob Evans
6/4/2008 c1 21Reaper
That was very awesome, espeically where the mouth was on the...thing. And the ending was great. Love mindfucks like that, perfect stuff.
~Reaper
21ReaperThat was very awesome, espeically where the mouth was on the...thing. And the ending was great. Love mindfucks like that, perfect stuff.
~Reaper
5/29/2008 c1 8Kar-zid
Great story, I feel sorry for both the man and the girl. The way you wrote the ending makes me wonder if there was ever a monster, and if the intoxicated man actually killed her, but the monster really being there seems like a much better way to think of it! ^_^ Anyway, great story!
8Kar-zidGreat story, I feel sorry for both the man and the girl. The way you wrote the ending makes me wonder if there was ever a monster, and if the intoxicated man actually killed her, but the monster really being there seems like a much better way to think of it! ^_^ Anyway, great story!
3/31/2008 c1 14thefilmchick
Review game ahoy.
Style: There's a nice understated horror here, similar to a Ramsey Campbell. You describe the gruesomeness without either flinching and playing coy with the details or with reveling in them. Your tone is exactly right for the story, which works nicely. I like a lot of the similes ('like oil spitting in a hot pan', for instance). One minor quibble: 'the steps of evil' was a little too much of a tell. I would find something that describes that evil (slithering? hollow? you decide) and use that for the steps, rather than just telling us.
Writing: Comma, could be an American suggestion: Still, it hadn't stopped... - I also think 'Ding' should be italicized, as it's a sound effect. 'A high-pitched squeal caught his ear' should be thus, and 'The monster bent down' is just a typo, as is 'the pool of bloody vomit.'
Plot: It's well-paced and doesn't rush things, which is well-done considering the shortness of the piece. I don't really like him slipping into unconsciousness to end the piece, though, as that seems sort of an obvious ending, and I think there would be more punch to the finger in the vomit if he wasn't given such an easy out.
Characters: We don't really know much about Dean other than that he's dumb enough/altruistic enough/doomed enough to help this girl despite his need for Pepto-Bismol. As you're trying to go for Lovecraftian (I think) with the Things From A Darker Place that invade his train car, I would ground him a little more as far as characterization so that he wouldn't be a cipher as well. I don't MIND him as it is, but I don't know him, and I wonder if the piece would be more effective if we knew more about him. (Then again, it might not be; I'm admittedly shakier on this suggestion than the others.)
All in all, well done, and hope this helps somehow! :D
14thefilmchickReview game ahoy.
Style: There's a nice understated horror here, similar to a Ramsey Campbell. You describe the gruesomeness without either flinching and playing coy with the details or with reveling in them. Your tone is exactly right for the story, which works nicely. I like a lot of the similes ('like oil spitting in a hot pan', for instance). One minor quibble: 'the steps of evil' was a little too much of a tell. I would find something that describes that evil (slithering? hollow? you decide) and use that for the steps, rather than just telling us.
Writing: Comma, could be an American suggestion: Still, it hadn't stopped... - I also think 'Ding' should be italicized, as it's a sound effect. 'A high-pitched squeal caught his ear' should be thus, and 'The monster bent down' is just a typo, as is 'the pool of bloody vomit.'
Plot: It's well-paced and doesn't rush things, which is well-done considering the shortness of the piece. I don't really like him slipping into unconsciousness to end the piece, though, as that seems sort of an obvious ending, and I think there would be more punch to the finger in the vomit if he wasn't given such an easy out.
Characters: We don't really know much about Dean other than that he's dumb enough/altruistic enough/doomed enough to help this girl despite his need for Pepto-Bismol. As you're trying to go for Lovecraftian (I think) with the Things From A Darker Place that invade his train car, I would ground him a little more as far as characterization so that he wouldn't be a cipher as well. I don't MIND him as it is, but I don't know him, and I wonder if the piece would be more effective if we knew more about him. (Then again, it might not be; I'm admittedly shakier on this suggestion than the others.)
All in all, well done, and hope this helps somehow! :D
3/25/2008 c1 16Cheeseraptor5
Grammar mistakes aside, this was definitely entertaining and classically, deliciously violent. So many excellent elements are bundled here; a disfigured creature, a massacred innocent, bloodsplatter aplenty, and a vomit drenched finale... but - aha, the "but" moment - character development is a bit weak. Granted, it's a short piece, but I would have liked a lot more lead-in to the violence, or perhaps a more interesting story as to why the main character was drunk in the first place (A dinner party? Ehh, alright...). Personally, a chilling lead-in would have made the gory bits much more satisfying. What's there is well-written and definitely engaging, though. Well-done gore is hard to come by these days.
16Cheeseraptor5Grammar mistakes aside, this was definitely entertaining and classically, deliciously violent. So many excellent elements are bundled here; a disfigured creature, a massacred innocent, bloodsplatter aplenty, and a vomit drenched finale... but - aha, the "but" moment - character development is a bit weak. Granted, it's a short piece, but I would have liked a lot more lead-in to the violence, or perhaps a more interesting story as to why the main character was drunk in the first place (A dinner party? Ehh, alright...). Personally, a chilling lead-in would have made the gory bits much more satisfying. What's there is well-written and definitely engaging, though. Well-done gore is hard to come by these days.
3/25/2008 c1 2Dezavue
Oh shit!
That was awesome! The way you described the creature, I could picture it so well, and the killing... Wonderful.
I'm confused though. Did he kill her unconciously? Like he lost his mind for that moment, and the monster was really him, or like his own manifestation?
For me, it seems like he was the monster, seeing as how in the end it states that a little pale finger is in his bloody vomit. How did that finger get there, and why is his vomit bloody when all he had was creamy pasta and whiskey?
Shame on you for making me think DX
2DezavueOh shit!
That was awesome! The way you described the creature, I could picture it so well, and the killing... Wonderful.
I'm confused though. Did he kill her unconciously? Like he lost his mind for that moment, and the monster was really him, or like his own manifestation?
For me, it seems like he was the monster, seeing as how in the end it states that a little pale finger is in his bloody vomit. How did that finger get there, and why is his vomit bloody when all he had was creamy pasta and whiskey?
Shame on you for making me think DX
3/25/2008 c1 1Moncouerest
Review Game:
Alright firstly.
Just reading through it I can see a handful of sentences that don't make a lot of sense to me. I'm not sure if I'm not understanding whats happening in the story or what. here are a few examples:
"A bubbling sound came too; the massive input gargling blood and letting it fall onto the plastic below."
"The contagious confusion on his face spread to the girls as he backed away." -what girls?
"Alcohol cushioned the blow, Dean but dazed and fallen. "
Your description of when Dean sees the monster is kind of confusing, at first I didn't realize exactly what he was. And because of my confusion in the beginning of that paragraph I found myself lost after that throughtout the entire description. Maybe just be a little more blunt.
So on the positive side: I really enjoyed the mentioning of what he ate for dinner, how it was sitting upset in his stomach and how it curdled in his stomach as he realized what was happening. I could almost imagine having the same feeling if it was happending to me.
I like all the similies and metaphors you use in your writing, and I'm jealous because that's something I'm not very good at.
However I will say that near the end they got a little overwhelming,
So bottomline, in my opinon. It's a good start there are good ideas and creative juices at work here. But, it needs some polishing. keep writing!
1MoncouerestReview Game:
Alright firstly.
Just reading through it I can see a handful of sentences that don't make a lot of sense to me. I'm not sure if I'm not understanding whats happening in the story or what. here are a few examples:
"A bubbling sound came too; the massive input gargling blood and letting it fall onto the plastic below."
"The contagious confusion on his face spread to the girls as he backed away." -what girls?
"Alcohol cushioned the blow, Dean but dazed and fallen. "
Your description of when Dean sees the monster is kind of confusing, at first I didn't realize exactly what he was. And because of my confusion in the beginning of that paragraph I found myself lost after that throughtout the entire description. Maybe just be a little more blunt.
So on the positive side: I really enjoyed the mentioning of what he ate for dinner, how it was sitting upset in his stomach and how it curdled in his stomach as he realized what was happening. I could almost imagine having the same feeling if it was happending to me.
I like all the similies and metaphors you use in your writing, and I'm jealous because that's something I'm not very good at.
However I will say that near the end they got a little overwhelming,
So bottomline, in my opinon. It's a good start there are good ideas and creative juices at work here. But, it needs some polishing. keep writing!