for Running away10/9/2008 c1 
2Dantes Lehues
Review game!
All rightey, first things first, you definitely gotta work on your grammar. Especially the run-on sentences. Like:
I was surprised that the queen of England actually offered my father such a job and I was happy that he got a job with a good salary but I was worried about my father making a mistake and made the queen angry because she’s the queen and she has a lot of power, she would even execute people for making the smallest mistake.
Should be:
I was surprised that the queen of England actually offered my father such a job. I was happy that he got a job with a good salary but I was worried about my father making a mistake and making the queen angry. She’s the queen and she has a lot of power. She would execute people for making even the smallest mistake.
I like how you write in an epistolary form. And the whole bit with the guards telling how the queen will kill people. I found it entertaining.
2Dantes LehuesReview game!
All rightey, first things first, you definitely gotta work on your grammar. Especially the run-on sentences. Like:
I was surprised that the queen of England actually offered my father such a job and I was happy that he got a job with a good salary but I was worried about my father making a mistake and made the queen angry because she’s the queen and she has a lot of power, she would even execute people for making the smallest mistake.
Should be:
I was surprised that the queen of England actually offered my father such a job. I was happy that he got a job with a good salary but I was worried about my father making a mistake and making the queen angry. She’s the queen and she has a lot of power. She would execute people for making even the smallest mistake.
I like how you write in an epistolary form. And the whole bit with the guards telling how the queen will kill people. I found it entertaining.
5/17/2008 c1 12Esther Jade
Review game!
The story really feels like a dream. It's got these references to reality but then all the details are wrong. It's quite nightmarish, though I don't whether it always retains this quality. I think the dates don't quite mesh because they're not a very dream-like element.
The story is quite difficult to read because of the technical elements of grammar etc but I actually think it works well. At first it was disconcerting but it actually adds quite a lot to the story.
12Esther JadeReview game!
The story really feels like a dream. It's got these references to reality but then all the details are wrong. It's quite nightmarish, though I don't whether it always retains this quality. I think the dates don't quite mesh because they're not a very dream-like element.
The story is quite difficult to read because of the technical elements of grammar etc but I actually think it works well. At first it was disconcerting but it actually adds quite a lot to the story.