for Mahra3/28/2008 c1 
27aspenjerome
I like some of the writing - and many of the small details. I think you have a good sense, too, of how a person may change over time, but their essential core remains the same, waiting for that person who reacts to it in just the right way. So nice job there.
It got a little repetitive and confusing, though. And, ultimately, the narrator "she was the girl" POV is annoying.
This paragraph in particular:
"Recognized that she was similar to herself. That she was family. That she could lose her and her brother and her mother too some day. The sister who thought that she knew what her sister and brother and mother went through. The sister who missed the dying. The sister who didn't realize."
Just drew a big "huh?" from me. I mean - I understood you shifted characters, but I didn't really like the writing and understand why it shifted.
I'd dump all of the formality, give the characters names, and go from there.
27aspenjeromeI like some of the writing - and many of the small details. I think you have a good sense, too, of how a person may change over time, but their essential core remains the same, waiting for that person who reacts to it in just the right way. So nice job there.
It got a little repetitive and confusing, though. And, ultimately, the narrator "she was the girl" POV is annoying.
This paragraph in particular:
"Recognized that she was similar to herself. That she was family. That she could lose her and her brother and her mother too some day. The sister who thought that she knew what her sister and brother and mother went through. The sister who missed the dying. The sister who didn't realize."
Just drew a big "huh?" from me. I mean - I understood you shifted characters, but I didn't really like the writing and understand why it shifted.
I'd dump all of the formality, give the characters names, and go from there.