for Of Girls and Guitar Hero5/24/2010 c1 eiyuang999
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2/1/2009 c1 Left FP
I like the concept you're toying with. Of course, judging my the landslide amount of reviews, it is a much favorited story. The friendship between Frank and Joel is extremely believable.
The depiction of Tessa is humorous as well. The concern about Joel is so sweet...and "Joely" - that was hilarious. You certainly are talented at characterization.
The dialog flow was very good - it didn't feel cramped at all. Actually, there are so many talented writers in FP it's steadily geting difficult to give much concrit.
Intriguing storyline though.
Over all, I love this chapter. Lets see...I am going to see where this goes.
I like the concept you're toying with. Of course, judging my the landslide amount of reviews, it is a much favorited story. The friendship between Frank and Joel is extremely believable.
The depiction of Tessa is humorous as well. The concern about Joel is so sweet...and "Joely" - that was hilarious. You certainly are talented at characterization.
The dialog flow was very good - it didn't feel cramped at all. Actually, there are so many talented writers in FP it's steadily geting difficult to give much concrit.
Intriguing storyline though.
Over all, I love this chapter. Lets see...I am going to see where this goes.
1/23/2009 c2 
6asylum writer
Review Marathon prize, part two!
I love the way Frank's so prepared with the map and whatnot. Like he's at war and figuring out a battle plan something. And the water stain being okay because they weren't going there anyway. (I have the feeling that Frank ruled out that area after the stain.) Frank's awesome, even if he's over-determined to get Joel a girlfriend.
"But I am over Tessa, so that statement is in no way bitter."
- Of course not. Joel, you're in no way over Tessa. (And I'm apparently speaking directly to your characters. Hmm...)
"'Joel,' he chokes out, 'we are not going to a gay bar.'"
Haha.
"She exclaims, frantic and pisses off all at the same time."
- "pissed" instead of "pisses". And then you say "pisses me off" just after that... Ah. Frac mentioned it too. In that case, I agree with her suggestion about the italics for emphasis, because otherwise it's a bit repetitive.
"When I’m walking away, I think I hear the words “I’m sorry,” but it could just be a girl I pass, talking on her cell phone. I don’t look back."
- Very nice. I like the emotion in the part with Tessa. The humor with Frank was good too. You've got a good balance of both.
Magic time jumping? I didn't notice anything, other than Frank telling Joel to enjoy life for an hour, and then he said to meet him in a hour and a half. But I didn't think any parts were in a weird order like he traveled through time or something.
6asylum writerReview Marathon prize, part two!
I love the way Frank's so prepared with the map and whatnot. Like he's at war and figuring out a battle plan something. And the water stain being okay because they weren't going there anyway. (I have the feeling that Frank ruled out that area after the stain.) Frank's awesome, even if he's over-determined to get Joel a girlfriend.
"But I am over Tessa, so that statement is in no way bitter."
- Of course not. Joel, you're in no way over Tessa. (And I'm apparently speaking directly to your characters. Hmm...)
"'Joel,' he chokes out, 'we are not going to a gay bar.'"
Haha.
"She exclaims, frantic and pisses off all at the same time."
- "pissed" instead of "pisses". And then you say "pisses me off" just after that... Ah. Frac mentioned it too. In that case, I agree with her suggestion about the italics for emphasis, because otherwise it's a bit repetitive.
"When I’m walking away, I think I hear the words “I’m sorry,” but it could just be a girl I pass, talking on her cell phone. I don’t look back."
- Very nice. I like the emotion in the part with Tessa. The humor with Frank was good too. You've got a good balance of both.
Magic time jumping? I didn't notice anything, other than Frank telling Joel to enjoy life for an hour, and then he said to meet him in a hour and a half. But I didn't think any parts were in a weird order like he traveled through time or something.
1/23/2009 c1 asylum writer
Review Marathon prize, donated to you by dragonflydreamer.
Well, that was short... I mean, I can see the entire chapter plus a bit of the a/n all on the screen at the same time. (Then again, most of my stuff is the same way, so possibly I shouldn't mention that...) Anyway, it didn't bother me the way short chapters normally do. It introduced the characters' personalities, the former relationship between Joel and Tessa, and there was even some humor in there. At the same time, it didn't *feel* all overwhelming like there was a huge amount of information. So, nice job with setting so much up in such a short chapter.
"Frank busts into my room like he’s got something to prove."
- Nice opening sentence. Having someone burst into a room is generally a good way to grab readers' attention (especially when the someone has something to prove).
Joely? hehehe...
1st person POV and present tense... definitely a change from what I normally read/write. It's a welcome change though - it works for this story.
I like your characters already. Again, short chapter, but you did something that made them instantly likeable. (Maybe it helped that Joel was playing Guitar Hero. I love that game...)
I get the distinct feeling that Joel's in denial and isn't over Tessa at all. I mean, he keeps emphasizing how he's happy and over her, so... maybe he's trying to convince himself as much as Frank.
Frank seems very determined to get Joel a girlfriend, regardless of whether or not Joel wants that. But he thinks it's what Joel needs, so he's a good friend even if he's not doing the right things. (I'm wondering if Frank has a girlfriend, since he's apparently so convicned that one is necessary...)
Review Marathon prize, donated to you by dragonflydreamer.
Well, that was short... I mean, I can see the entire chapter plus a bit of the a/n all on the screen at the same time. (Then again, most of my stuff is the same way, so possibly I shouldn't mention that...) Anyway, it didn't bother me the way short chapters normally do. It introduced the characters' personalities, the former relationship between Joel and Tessa, and there was even some humor in there. At the same time, it didn't *feel* all overwhelming like there was a huge amount of information. So, nice job with setting so much up in such a short chapter.
"Frank busts into my room like he’s got something to prove."
- Nice opening sentence. Having someone burst into a room is generally a good way to grab readers' attention (especially when the someone has something to prove).
Joely? hehehe...
1st person POV and present tense... definitely a change from what I normally read/write. It's a welcome change though - it works for this story.
I like your characters already. Again, short chapter, but you did something that made them instantly likeable. (Maybe it helped that Joel was playing Guitar Hero. I love that game...)
I get the distinct feeling that Joel's in denial and isn't over Tessa at all. I mean, he keeps emphasizing how he's happy and over her, so... maybe he's trying to convince himself as much as Frank.
Frank seems very determined to get Joel a girlfriend, regardless of whether or not Joel wants that. But he thinks it's what Joel needs, so he's a good friend even if he's not doing the right things. (I'm wondering if Frank has a girlfriend, since he's apparently so convicned that one is necessary...)
1/17/2009 c2 13Nicki BluIs
RM Review prize courtesy dragonflydreamer
I don't like the present tense in this piece. It does weird things to the POV. Because it is in 1st person and it is in present tense, it feels like the narrator is rambling.
I loved his confrontation with Tessa. It was very clear that that was supposed to be a turning point of somesort. I also love Frank. He seems to genuinly care about his friend and want to help. Although I must say that the use of f*ck was kinda overkill. Maybe if only Frank used it that much it could become a character trait?
Nicki :P
13Nicki BluIsRM Review prize courtesy dragonflydreamer
I don't like the present tense in this piece. It does weird things to the POV. Because it is in 1st person and it is in present tense, it feels like the narrator is rambling.
I loved his confrontation with Tessa. It was very clear that that was supposed to be a turning point of somesort. I also love Frank. He seems to genuinly care about his friend and want to help. Although I must say that the use of f*ck was kinda overkill. Maybe if only Frank used it that much it could become a character trait?
Nicki :P
1/15/2009 c3 Fractured Illusion
Review Marathon prize, courtesy of Sparkles :) (dragonflydreamer)
"“No! No, Joel, are you fucking—are you fucking insane? Do not fucking pick Tessa! Do you realize how much that will screw shit up? Joel, I thought you understood this fucking plan, man.”"
Lovely line, I found his oblivious state humorous because what he interpreted was just so...juicy XD
"And then she leans over and throws up all over my lap."
Oh wow, not cool man XD What a loser. Pfft. Haha
Anyways, I think there's more to Morgan than meets the eye, which I like. Because I mean, she seemed kind of lonely, since she is acting so slutty and clingy. Maybe something happened for her to drink this much.
Anyways, better chapter than the previous ones :) This one felt more humorous, although the constant Tessa-Tessa-Tessa is getting on my nerves a bit D=
People who break up and cant get over it are always annoying, haha.
- Frac
Review Marathon prize, courtesy of Sparkles :) (dragonflydreamer)
"“No! No, Joel, are you fucking—are you fucking insane? Do not fucking pick Tessa! Do you realize how much that will screw shit up? Joel, I thought you understood this fucking plan, man.”"
Lovely line, I found his oblivious state humorous because what he interpreted was just so...juicy XD
"And then she leans over and throws up all over my lap."
Oh wow, not cool man XD What a loser. Pfft. Haha
Anyways, I think there's more to Morgan than meets the eye, which I like. Because I mean, she seemed kind of lonely, since she is acting so slutty and clingy. Maybe something happened for her to drink this much.
Anyways, better chapter than the previous ones :) This one felt more humorous, although the constant Tessa-Tessa-Tessa is getting on my nerves a bit D=
People who break up and cant get over it are always annoying, haha.
- Frac
1/12/2009 c11 3alias h. anonymous
I commend you on creating a very unique love story. It was just the perfect length and very well organized. While Joel and Clara were fantastic main characters, I rather enjoyed Frank and Morgan the best. Without those secondary characters, there would be no primary ones, correct? Yes, Morgan was my favorite - especially when she was drunk.
And I enjoyed the part Clara rambled about being sued by Joel. That girl didn't know when to shut up and yet she always seemed to say the right things. I loved it. Her always making sure to eat breakfast, failing that calculus test, looking up baby names, being bad at Guitar Hero - all very nice quirks that really personalized her. You created a great character there. You created a great story, overall.
It was a wonderful read, I really enjoyed it. Life after Tessa was great for all of us ;)
3alias h. anonymousI commend you on creating a very unique love story. It was just the perfect length and very well organized. While Joel and Clara were fantastic main characters, I rather enjoyed Frank and Morgan the best. Without those secondary characters, there would be no primary ones, correct? Yes, Morgan was my favorite - especially when she was drunk.
And I enjoyed the part Clara rambled about being sued by Joel. That girl didn't know when to shut up and yet she always seemed to say the right things. I loved it. Her always making sure to eat breakfast, failing that calculus test, looking up baby names, being bad at Guitar Hero - all very nice quirks that really personalized her. You created a great character there. You created a great story, overall.
It was a wonderful read, I really enjoyed it. Life after Tessa was great for all of us ;)
1/6/2009 c12 nadljfaithglingh
sequel! sequel! sequel!
and that's all I have to say.
haha!
oh, and that i'll definitely be checking out that award site thingy. congrats on your nomination! :)
sequel! sequel! sequel!
and that's all I have to say.
haha!
oh, and that i'll definitely be checking out that award site thingy. congrats on your nomination! :)
1/6/2009 c11 nadljfaithglingh
aw! i loved it! i loved how morgan handled it, i love clara and joel, i love frank, and i even don't hate tessa! :D wonderful ending to a wonderful story.
i thoroughly enjoyed every word ;)
aw! i loved it! i loved how morgan handled it, i love clara and joel, i love frank, and i even don't hate tessa! :D wonderful ending to a wonderful story.
i thoroughly enjoyed every word ;)
1/6/2009 c10 nadljfaithglingh
gah! i can't believe i missed such awesomeness! okay, wow. i. love. clara.
like, seriously. she is so much like me and yet so much not (in the sense that she's more funny than awkward on that particular scale) and i love it! and joely. dear, dear, joely. his confusion and willingness to put off things both mentally and...actually...? with guitar hero is quite funny. your dialogue is superb, and i love the situations your characters get themselves into.
okay, on to the final chapter! *squeal of excitement*
gah! i can't believe i missed such awesomeness! okay, wow. i. love. clara.
like, seriously. she is so much like me and yet so much not (in the sense that she's more funny than awkward on that particular scale) and i love it! and joely. dear, dear, joely. his confusion and willingness to put off things both mentally and...actually...? with guitar hero is quite funny. your dialogue is superb, and i love the situations your characters get themselves into.
okay, on to the final chapter! *squeal of excitement*
1/5/2009 c11 3Duuude
I hope I didn't scare you too much. But you did say slightly awkward so that must mean it's not completely awkward which means that there's still a chance!
Okay, I just have to say that that was the most awesome-est thing in the entire world.
It most definitely is perfect! I have tears in my eyes. *dabs*
PS. I really like the name Joely. And Frank's still amazing. And Joely. And Clara. And ... fine, I'll add stupid Tessa.
But don't think I forgot the most important person of all- YOU!
You rock. You're like better than amazing. I know, it is possible to be a bit better than that.
That was a great read.
3DuuudeI hope I didn't scare you too much. But you did say slightly awkward so that must mean it's not completely awkward which means that there's still a chance!
Okay, I just have to say that that was the most awesome-est thing in the entire world.
It most definitely is perfect! I have tears in my eyes. *dabs*
PS. I really like the name Joely. And Frank's still amazing. And Joely. And Clara. And ... fine, I'll add stupid Tessa.
But don't think I forgot the most important person of all- YOU!
You rock. You're like better than amazing. I know, it is possible to be a bit better than that.
That was a great read.
1/4/2009 c8 Duuude
This is great. Have I already stated how great it was?
If I haven't reviewed yet I deserve to be punished. Preferrably by Frank because I just love him. Kinky. XD
So I'm totally voting for you on the best kiss thing even though it really wasn't a kiss because both members weren't participating.
I just love Joely. Clara is awesome. She's just great, the best female supporting character in the universe. I love her. Really. I might be wanting her to punish me instead of Frank now. Ahahaha. I have problems, I know.
If that quote is from a TV show, I should definitely watch it because that was just awesome. The Pineapple Incident because it doesn't make sense.
How I Met Your Mother? I'm not familiar with that but I guess I should go see it. Sounds great.
I fail at guitar hero btw. Seriously, it takes me about half an hour to get into it and then that's the only time I can hit the keys. I mean honestly who has thirty minutes everyday just for practice and not actual playing... I'll never beat that.
I am better than Clara though. So there.
Clara's really nice, eh? Even Tessa didn't know what to do with her. She was made fun of and for retaliation she stuck her tongue out. Who needs Tessa after meeting someone so amazing?
I'll be cutting this incredibly long review short now... I need to read the next chapter.
This is great. Have I already stated how great it was?
If I haven't reviewed yet I deserve to be punished. Preferrably by Frank because I just love him. Kinky. XD
So I'm totally voting for you on the best kiss thing even though it really wasn't a kiss because both members weren't participating.
I just love Joely. Clara is awesome. She's just great, the best female supporting character in the universe. I love her. Really. I might be wanting her to punish me instead of Frank now. Ahahaha. I have problems, I know.
If that quote is from a TV show, I should definitely watch it because that was just awesome. The Pineapple Incident because it doesn't make sense.
How I Met Your Mother? I'm not familiar with that but I guess I should go see it. Sounds great.
I fail at guitar hero btw. Seriously, it takes me about half an hour to get into it and then that's the only time I can hit the keys. I mean honestly who has thirty minutes everyday just for practice and not actual playing... I'll never beat that.
I am better than Clara though. So there.
Clara's really nice, eh? Even Tessa didn't know what to do with her. She was made fun of and for retaliation she stuck her tongue out. Who needs Tessa after meeting someone so amazing?
I'll be cutting this incredibly long review short now... I need to read the next chapter.
12/29/2008 c3 11vrivasfl
Frank and Joel have an odd conversation pattern. They take a long time to do very little. Frank repeats himself, Joel defends, Frank ignores Joel's defense, Frank repeats himself, Joel submits, Frank repeats himself again anyway, and on goes the conversation.
Morgan is cute. (I kept imagine my own ex-girlfriend named Morgan, which may or may not be a good thing.) When Joel pointed out that she was throwing anything, the first thought that came to my mind was that she was going to throw up. I would've put money on it, and I would've won, too!
One teeny-weenie little thing: you wrote "tolerance lever" instead of "tolerance level."
11vrivasflFrank and Joel have an odd conversation pattern. They take a long time to do very little. Frank repeats himself, Joel defends, Frank ignores Joel's defense, Frank repeats himself, Joel submits, Frank repeats himself again anyway, and on goes the conversation.
Morgan is cute. (I kept imagine my own ex-girlfriend named Morgan, which may or may not be a good thing.) When Joel pointed out that she was throwing anything, the first thought that came to my mind was that she was going to throw up. I would've put money on it, and I would've won, too!
One teeny-weenie little thing: you wrote "tolerance lever" instead of "tolerance level."
12/28/2008 c2 vrivasfl
Joel is a loser, mainly becuase he reminds me of my friend Max. If his girlfriend broke up with him, he'd be Joel. He already plays Guitar Hero nonstop (and finds an excuse to bring it to school as often as possible.) He is rambly (not a real word), though. I don't know if I'll get used to that, but I thought his mention of Frank's Egyptian heritage. I could really use one of those right now, actually.
I've noticed that Joel kind of loses focus. There's something here but he's putting an equal amount of attention to something of lesser important (girl on cell phone, rubbery chicken). You have something here that is interesting to watch develop, because I'm a sucker for characters I can psychoanalyze.
All right! Getting drunk! I look forward to the next chapter with great enthusiasm.
Joel is a loser, mainly becuase he reminds me of my friend Max. If his girlfriend broke up with him, he'd be Joel. He already plays Guitar Hero nonstop (and finds an excuse to bring it to school as often as possible.) He is rambly (not a real word), though. I don't know if I'll get used to that, but I thought his mention of Frank's Egyptian heritage. I could really use one of those right now, actually.
I've noticed that Joel kind of loses focus. There's something here but he's putting an equal amount of attention to something of lesser important (girl on cell phone, rubbery chicken). You have something here that is interesting to watch develop, because I'm a sucker for characters I can psychoanalyze.
All right! Getting drunk! I look forward to the next chapter with great enthusiasm.
12/24/2008 c1 Link Broken
I like the writing style. I would read this just for the writing style. Like screw the plot, I like the writing! It flows awesomely and tells you what the character's thinking.
I liked how revealing the chapter was. It talked about his love life, what he liked, what he was like, and other stuff. Yet it was all concise and in one chapter.
~Kay
I like the writing style. I would read this just for the writing style. Like screw the plot, I like the writing! It flows awesomely and tells you what the character's thinking.
I liked how revealing the chapter was. It talked about his love life, what he liked, what he was like, and other stuff. Yet it was all concise and in one chapter.
~Kay