for Polar Shift11/11/2008 c2 Fractured Illusion
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““I don't care you skip today or not” – dont care IF you?
““We ahead of you.” – WAY ahead
Haha! Gary was priceless, but at least he is not too abusing of his power yet. He’s kind of cute, haha. But I don’t like Jamie at all! She’s a controlling self-centered bitch! Why would Chuck want to marry her, of all things? O_o He seemed very aware of her problems.
““Miles,” she started. “I'm a lesbian.””
Oh I KNEW nothing good could come out of it :p
“actually tell me what I should be believe and let me”
Should be believing
Loving Allison and her attitude! Well its not an attitude per se, rather an indifference toward humanity but it’s all the same :p Her and Miles are also lovely to read about when they interact. Their dialog is better than Chuck and Dennis’ (the latter is relying too much on Dennis admitting he is fat. I mean, we get it. Don’t care any more. Moving on you know?)
Pace is nice, I mean, what with the end of the world coming, it makes outrageous things seem realistic (even though Gary being appointed chief is unrealistic, I can accept it for the lulz) I hope you don’t go too overboard with the unrealistic elements because then I imagine it would be too strange to read. The “no emergency” thing so soon seems very improbable, for one. Kids ditching school = no biggie. But hospital duties don’t end because the world is gone in a year. There’s a difference. See my point?
Again I was bothered by the transitions. Like why did you divide the two scenes with Chuck at the start? They could have been one big scene. Its best if you can keep one with character for as long as possible without switching because with your way of switching scenes, it makes it rather annoying. So if you are going to roll with those weird transitions at least make the most out of it :/ That is my complaint and I am sticking with it.
And I agree, Wednesdays suck. I always hated them in high school -.-‘’
-Frac
It’s the Review Game Forum’s birthday today so we celebrate with review love! Thank you for being an important part of spreading that review love at our place. We appreciate it.
““I don't care you skip today or not” – dont care IF you?
““We ahead of you.” – WAY ahead
Haha! Gary was priceless, but at least he is not too abusing of his power yet. He’s kind of cute, haha. But I don’t like Jamie at all! She’s a controlling self-centered bitch! Why would Chuck want to marry her, of all things? O_o He seemed very aware of her problems.
““Miles,” she started. “I'm a lesbian.””
Oh I KNEW nothing good could come out of it :p
“actually tell me what I should be believe and let me”
Should be believing
Loving Allison and her attitude! Well its not an attitude per se, rather an indifference toward humanity but it’s all the same :p Her and Miles are also lovely to read about when they interact. Their dialog is better than Chuck and Dennis’ (the latter is relying too much on Dennis admitting he is fat. I mean, we get it. Don’t care any more. Moving on you know?)
Pace is nice, I mean, what with the end of the world coming, it makes outrageous things seem realistic (even though Gary being appointed chief is unrealistic, I can accept it for the lulz) I hope you don’t go too overboard with the unrealistic elements because then I imagine it would be too strange to read. The “no emergency” thing so soon seems very improbable, for one. Kids ditching school = no biggie. But hospital duties don’t end because the world is gone in a year. There’s a difference. See my point?
Again I was bothered by the transitions. Like why did you divide the two scenes with Chuck at the start? They could have been one big scene. Its best if you can keep one with character for as long as possible without switching because with your way of switching scenes, it makes it rather annoying. So if you are going to roll with those weird transitions at least make the most out of it :/ That is my complaint and I am sticking with it.
And I agree, Wednesdays suck. I always hated them in high school -.-‘’
-Frac
10/31/2008 c6 
2Ashlin Montgomery
it
“I've seen the come guy” Come = Coma
“But what could those two be doing that has you so interested.” Period should be question mark I think.
“I don't have many things so I can a small room.” – Sentence confusing, just needs an extra word to straighten it out.
The words were so hard for Chuck to get out as it was even harder to watch Donna get herself acquainted with her new home for the next few weeks. – I don’t know all the right grammatical words to straighten out what is wrong with this sentence. The structure is off, “So hard” “as it was even harder” I think are the center of my confusion, I don’t know. I’m not trying to re-write your book for you or anything, but as a reader I’m probably not the only one that gets confused by these things.
“Jamie might not be too terrible okay” – Terrible should probably be terribly
good night while but of the Westin – Phrase is very confusing. Did you mean both instead of but?
So, there seemed to be more confusing grammar in this chapter than the others. I didn’t even copy over everything I noticed. I would advise you read through it slowly. Oftentimes when I proof read I do it to fast and wind up missing obvious mistakes.
Dialogue – I keep getting lost in it, the character’s share jokes that the readers aren’t in on. The characters still seem to make jumps in logic that are hard to follow.
“Still, I really an interesting in the response however serious or humorous it is. Please, bring out Mr. Cortez.” – Is that really how a student would be addressing his principle?
I liked the last bit of conversation in the chapter. Miles was articulate while still being true to his flippant character.
Plot – I liked this chapter better as far as the plot was concerned. Pretty much every section advanced it in one way or another, which in turn kept me more involved in what was going. I’m really wondering what the Devil has a chip on his shoulder about, and what Gary’s stance is on everything since he turned down the other guys offer.
Characters – The principle seemed a lot more realistic in this chapter. Her questions seemed more reasonable and she actually got pissed at a couple of (seemingly) idiot students.
People in general wouldn’t assume that a couple of highs school students would seriously be on to something that could avert the coming disaster. Miles is a skeptic but he’s allowing himself to be dragged around by Allison fairly easily. I think the outside influences need to be more skeptical about it to give your world in general a more realistic feel.
Once again I’m sorry if I was a bit harsh. From my own experience my writing usually grows when people point out what I may be doing wrong. So yeah, I hope this helped.
2Ashlin Montgomeryit
“I've seen the come guy” Come = Coma
“But what could those two be doing that has you so interested.” Period should be question mark I think.
“I don't have many things so I can a small room.” – Sentence confusing, just needs an extra word to straighten it out.
The words were so hard for Chuck to get out as it was even harder to watch Donna get herself acquainted with her new home for the next few weeks. – I don’t know all the right grammatical words to straighten out what is wrong with this sentence. The structure is off, “So hard” “as it was even harder” I think are the center of my confusion, I don’t know. I’m not trying to re-write your book for you or anything, but as a reader I’m probably not the only one that gets confused by these things.
“Jamie might not be too terrible okay” – Terrible should probably be terribly
good night while but of the Westin – Phrase is very confusing. Did you mean both instead of but?
So, there seemed to be more confusing grammar in this chapter than the others. I didn’t even copy over everything I noticed. I would advise you read through it slowly. Oftentimes when I proof read I do it to fast and wind up missing obvious mistakes.
Dialogue – I keep getting lost in it, the character’s share jokes that the readers aren’t in on. The characters still seem to make jumps in logic that are hard to follow.
“Still, I really an interesting in the response however serious or humorous it is. Please, bring out Mr. Cortez.” – Is that really how a student would be addressing his principle?
I liked the last bit of conversation in the chapter. Miles was articulate while still being true to his flippant character.
Plot – I liked this chapter better as far as the plot was concerned. Pretty much every section advanced it in one way or another, which in turn kept me more involved in what was going. I’m really wondering what the Devil has a chip on his shoulder about, and what Gary’s stance is on everything since he turned down the other guys offer.
Characters – The principle seemed a lot more realistic in this chapter. Her questions seemed more reasonable and she actually got pissed at a couple of (seemingly) idiot students.
People in general wouldn’t assume that a couple of highs school students would seriously be on to something that could avert the coming disaster. Miles is a skeptic but he’s allowing himself to be dragged around by Allison fairly easily. I think the outside influences need to be more skeptical about it to give your world in general a more realistic feel.
Once again I’m sorry if I was a bit harsh. From my own experience my writing usually grows when people point out what I may be doing wrong. So yeah, I hope this helped.
10/31/2008 c5 Ashlin Montgomery
Character/description – You say that Mrs. Levy was an odd character, but the only other description she gets is a bit of an accent and not liking side chatter. With that description I have no idea as to why she is odd, or why we cared to notice her.
I think you characters are a bit shallow. They easily believe pretty much anything they are told and thus they are unbelievable. Gary is at least a bit incredulous about the possibility of reversing the polar shift, but then decides that he’ll go along with it after like two seconds.
Shouldn’t there be at least a bit of disbelief to make it seem more realistic?
Grammar - “High school drama is interesting to you. Plus, after lunch, our last class is the most interesting of the day. History. Allison was amongst the majority who believed that what has passed is past and has no relevance for the future, and with a world that doesn't have much of a future, history class made even less sense. How was this going to be any more interesting? - You didn’t use a quotation mark here to show where his talking ends and the other part of the paragraph starts.
“Please just call me Tony. I've never liked by first name. My middle name is so much better.” – I’m going to assume that you meant say “My” instead of by, but small typos like that and the one above make it very confusing to the reader.
“and so they hand their heart set on the name” – Hand = Had
Other - “History does not repeat, but it does rhyme. Are you sure you want to get yourself entangled with something beyond your control, or would you rather sit down and learn history?” – How does the Larry Burke know anything about what Allison is up to? Just because she says “I have an investigation to get to” doesn’t mean he would know what she’s talking about or that he would take her seriously.
“The collar was pristinely folded down in an effort to show off Gary's devilish grin.” –Both are good description points but I don’t know how a folded collar relates to a devilish grin.
Dialogue – It seems to be reflected in the conversations that everyone in the story knows what’s going on with everyone. They always know which people to bring up in conversation and what not to get what they want, and if they don’t already know something they know the exact question to ask to get the immediate answer that they need.
“The Deputy Surgeon General is named Howard Steeg. Charles Dodgson is the real name of Lewis Carroll. Don't mind me. Continue with your story. I'm very interested.” – What does that do for the story? It's confusing, maybe you had a good point in mind beyond Drake being a smart ass but it’s not clearly communicated.
Plot – Despite Miles’ “Witty Banter” comment at the beginning of the chapter, that seems to be what it is mostly comprised of. Although there are a few things that might be plot hints for later, I think it could be boiled down and the plot could move along at a better pace.
Character/description – You say that Mrs. Levy was an odd character, but the only other description she gets is a bit of an accent and not liking side chatter. With that description I have no idea as to why she is odd, or why we cared to notice her.
I think you characters are a bit shallow. They easily believe pretty much anything they are told and thus they are unbelievable. Gary is at least a bit incredulous about the possibility of reversing the polar shift, but then decides that he’ll go along with it after like two seconds.
Shouldn’t there be at least a bit of disbelief to make it seem more realistic?
Grammar - “High school drama is interesting to you. Plus, after lunch, our last class is the most interesting of the day. History. Allison was amongst the majority who believed that what has passed is past and has no relevance for the future, and with a world that doesn't have much of a future, history class made even less sense. How was this going to be any more interesting? - You didn’t use a quotation mark here to show where his talking ends and the other part of the paragraph starts.
“Please just call me Tony. I've never liked by first name. My middle name is so much better.” – I’m going to assume that you meant say “My” instead of by, but small typos like that and the one above make it very confusing to the reader.
“and so they hand their heart set on the name” – Hand = Had
Other - “History does not repeat, but it does rhyme. Are you sure you want to get yourself entangled with something beyond your control, or would you rather sit down and learn history?” – How does the Larry Burke know anything about what Allison is up to? Just because she says “I have an investigation to get to” doesn’t mean he would know what she’s talking about or that he would take her seriously.
“The collar was pristinely folded down in an effort to show off Gary's devilish grin.” –Both are good description points but I don’t know how a folded collar relates to a devilish grin.
Dialogue – It seems to be reflected in the conversations that everyone in the story knows what’s going on with everyone. They always know which people to bring up in conversation and what not to get what they want, and if they don’t already know something they know the exact question to ask to get the immediate answer that they need.
“The Deputy Surgeon General is named Howard Steeg. Charles Dodgson is the real name of Lewis Carroll. Don't mind me. Continue with your story. I'm very interested.” – What does that do for the story? It's confusing, maybe you had a good point in mind beyond Drake being a smart ass but it’s not clearly communicated.
Plot – Despite Miles’ “Witty Banter” comment at the beginning of the chapter, that seems to be what it is mostly comprised of. Although there are a few things that might be plot hints for later, I think it could be boiled down and the plot could move along at a better pace.
10/29/2008 c4 Ashlin Montgomery
Okay so the school thing is just district wide? That makes more sense, I think you should clear that in the earlier chapter because when you first mentioned it it sounded like it was a nationwide decision.
“Not much else meanwhile was” That wording is a bit confusing, it could be easily corrected by moving meanwhile to the beginning of the sentence.
“no one was doing anything.” I think this bit would be best at the beginning of the sentence such as, “No one was doing anything, except for the orderlies and nurses who would feel bad if the didn’t give the necessary medication to those who needed it or those employees who remembered Allison’s threat from the day before.” You’re original sentence wasn’t necessarily incorrect I just thought the structure was a bit confusing.
“I could be anyone.” Should be “It could be anyone.” Right?
“It just know” Should be “I just know”
Okay, having finished the four reviews I would like to say. I like it the plot is interesting and I like the idea of the characters. It would be really good with some embellishment. Your book seems to be mostly comprised of conversation which is good, but it your going to use it as a conveyer for the plat you need to go a bit more in depth about the logic gaps. Also add some detail, give reasons for why people are saying what they are. Or what they are thinking about things. Just one example, a guy that could predict lightning bolts is pretty cool, not to mention unusual. He had one sentence of wondering about his ability and maybe that’s all he wanted to think about it. But that would no doubt have Allison’s head spinning with possibilities (since she seems to be the most active thinker around).
Some embellishment and filling in the gaps and it will be great!
Hope I was at least a little helpful. And I’m truly sorry if I was discouraging at all.
Okay so the school thing is just district wide? That makes more sense, I think you should clear that in the earlier chapter because when you first mentioned it it sounded like it was a nationwide decision.
“Not much else meanwhile was” That wording is a bit confusing, it could be easily corrected by moving meanwhile to the beginning of the sentence.
“no one was doing anything.” I think this bit would be best at the beginning of the sentence such as, “No one was doing anything, except for the orderlies and nurses who would feel bad if the didn’t give the necessary medication to those who needed it or those employees who remembered Allison’s threat from the day before.” You’re original sentence wasn’t necessarily incorrect I just thought the structure was a bit confusing.
“I could be anyone.” Should be “It could be anyone.” Right?
“It just know” Should be “I just know”
Okay, having finished the four reviews I would like to say. I like it the plot is interesting and I like the idea of the characters. It would be really good with some embellishment. Your book seems to be mostly comprised of conversation which is good, but it your going to use it as a conveyer for the plat you need to go a bit more in depth about the logic gaps. Also add some detail, give reasons for why people are saying what they are. Or what they are thinking about things. Just one example, a guy that could predict lightning bolts is pretty cool, not to mention unusual. He had one sentence of wondering about his ability and maybe that’s all he wanted to think about it. But that would no doubt have Allison’s head spinning with possibilities (since she seems to be the most active thinker around).
Some embellishment and filling in the gaps and it will be great!
Hope I was at least a little helpful. And I’m truly sorry if I was discouraging at all.
10/29/2008 c3 Ashlin Montgomery
It’s the second day of knowing the world will end and already things are “Just another abnormality”?
Why is Allison Begrudging about taking the guy to the hospital? Unless it’s just about the ambulance not coming to get him.
I like how Allison takes charge of the hospital when the med student in charge can’t even do anything. Good character for a girl ;)
Drake’s little predicting lightening stunt is interesting.
Thinking about that I just realized something, I have no idea what these people look like. It’s easy to forget description and what not when writing because you know your own characters inside and out, the same goes for jumps in logic, because your in their head and you came up with the story and the people they might make sense to you, but to somebody who doesn’t have all of that it feels a bit choppy and confusing. One second Allison is like “I want to follow the mystery” and the next she says “Sorry but I’m not that interested.” Is there going to be a point where they get serious about anything. They all seem like their avoiding talking about something important by keeping it at small talk level. That could be their coping mechanism, but if such is the case it should be made clear.
What’s Matthews position and how do he and the principle have the authority to close ALL schools except for this one? How are they going to get all the teachers moved by 6:00 the next day, not to mention the kids? – I’m not trying to be mean, but these are the logical questions that readers will ask. –
Haha, I like how Miles greets his newly returned brother, whining about him making out in the kitchen. That’s a good response, I do the same thing all the time. Minus the impending doom of world –
“I though were got rid of it, but it looks like mom has it now.” Do you mean “We were” or just “We”?
I like Mile’s little recap at the end of the chapter, it seems in character for him, what with sarcasm and he’s supposed to not care about the end of the world. He fulfills his role well. But then it seems like a lot of other people are horning in on his role by being to flippant about the whole thing.
Thus far my favorite character is Drake, he’s believable for his position and his sixth sense makes him interesting.
It’s the second day of knowing the world will end and already things are “Just another abnormality”?
Why is Allison Begrudging about taking the guy to the hospital? Unless it’s just about the ambulance not coming to get him.
I like how Allison takes charge of the hospital when the med student in charge can’t even do anything. Good character for a girl ;)
Drake’s little predicting lightening stunt is interesting.
Thinking about that I just realized something, I have no idea what these people look like. It’s easy to forget description and what not when writing because you know your own characters inside and out, the same goes for jumps in logic, because your in their head and you came up with the story and the people they might make sense to you, but to somebody who doesn’t have all of that it feels a bit choppy and confusing. One second Allison is like “I want to follow the mystery” and the next she says “Sorry but I’m not that interested.” Is there going to be a point where they get serious about anything. They all seem like their avoiding talking about something important by keeping it at small talk level. That could be their coping mechanism, but if such is the case it should be made clear.
What’s Matthews position and how do he and the principle have the authority to close ALL schools except for this one? How are they going to get all the teachers moved by 6:00 the next day, not to mention the kids? – I’m not trying to be mean, but these are the logical questions that readers will ask. –
Haha, I like how Miles greets his newly returned brother, whining about him making out in the kitchen. That’s a good response, I do the same thing all the time. Minus the impending doom of world –
“I though were got rid of it, but it looks like mom has it now.” Do you mean “We were” or just “We”?
I like Mile’s little recap at the end of the chapter, it seems in character for him, what with sarcasm and he’s supposed to not care about the end of the world. He fulfills his role well. But then it seems like a lot of other people are horning in on his role by being to flippant about the whole thing.
Thus far my favorite character is Drake, he’s believable for his position and his sixth sense makes him interesting.
10/29/2008 c2 Ashlin Montgomery
Wow,” Allison said, “You're early. Usually I'm waiting out here for almost half an hour. And I love how you pick today to be early because I have no interest in going to school early. I bet it's the polar shift. That's why you've randomly decided to become the bane of my existence.”
I don’t really get how the polar shift connects to him being the bane of her existence (although I like the term). Plus she was already waiting, why is she whining about him being early? Unless she was just planning on doing her make up out in the car while waiting for him or something like that.
“We ahead of you” you mean “way” right?
“ After a deep breath, Jamie stood up and walk over to the table that Ashley was sitting at.” ” You have a quotation mark at the end of the paragraph and I’m pretty sure that Jamie is supposed to be Miles.
If you want Miles not caring about the end of the world to stand out more I think that the people around him should be a bit more shaken up. Yes you’ve showed that some people are reacting but there’s an element of panic missing, it makes it a little hard to believe. Like your having people disappear what not which is good and realistic, but I think there should be a bit more responsibility or gravity, at least by the older members in the book. Everyone seems pretty accepting of their fate and it lessens the intensity which would otherwise be there. You’re clever lines are good; I especially like “What can I say? I’m a fat man.” But I think for a mystery book with this level of gravity to it the cleverness needs to be carefully placed, possibly used less.
I also liked how you got the random guy hit by the car while she’s just out doing whatever to say something that brings the reader back to the reality that there is something intense going on.
One more note, I’m guilty of this myself, but the chapter title is “Solution” but there doesn’t seem to be a single thing about there being a solution in the chapter. Other than the guy saying “it started here, it will end here”
Wow,” Allison said, “You're early. Usually I'm waiting out here for almost half an hour. And I love how you pick today to be early because I have no interest in going to school early. I bet it's the polar shift. That's why you've randomly decided to become the bane of my existence.”
I don’t really get how the polar shift connects to him being the bane of her existence (although I like the term). Plus she was already waiting, why is she whining about him being early? Unless she was just planning on doing her make up out in the car while waiting for him or something like that.
“We ahead of you” you mean “way” right?
“ After a deep breath, Jamie stood up and walk over to the table that Ashley was sitting at.” ” You have a quotation mark at the end of the paragraph and I’m pretty sure that Jamie is supposed to be Miles.
If you want Miles not caring about the end of the world to stand out more I think that the people around him should be a bit more shaken up. Yes you’ve showed that some people are reacting but there’s an element of panic missing, it makes it a little hard to believe. Like your having people disappear what not which is good and realistic, but I think there should be a bit more responsibility or gravity, at least by the older members in the book. Everyone seems pretty accepting of their fate and it lessens the intensity which would otherwise be there. You’re clever lines are good; I especially like “What can I say? I’m a fat man.” But I think for a mystery book with this level of gravity to it the cleverness needs to be carefully placed, possibly used less.
I also liked how you got the random guy hit by the car while she’s just out doing whatever to say something that brings the reader back to the reality that there is something intense going on.
One more note, I’m guilty of this myself, but the chapter title is “Solution” but there doesn’t seem to be a single thing about there being a solution in the chapter. Other than the guy saying “it started here, it will end here”
10/29/2008 c1 Ashlin Montgomery
I really liked it, your clever and have a good vocabulary. The first paragraph had me interested right away since it made me laugh; I also really like the contrast of a couple of teenagers dealing with high school the same day the end of the world is being discovered. I didn’t manage to get further than the first chapter before writing this, but I think you’ve got a good story.
However, since this is a “depth” and “constructive review I’ll make mention of a couple things that seemed off balance when I read it.
I felt like I was missing bits of the back story, is there a reason why the mom is so mean? Would a teacher usually admit to his students he just wants to get somebody in trouble? (That’s what I felt like was being implied) It also felt like the course of a single day was a really short time for people to decide that the world is ending and announce it to the country.
There was just a couple grammatical things that I’d like to point out.
“Still, he’d rather be a (don’t you mean at?) school than at home with his ever-complaining mother.”
“. Allison was a year younger than Miles and the two have known each other for about three years.”
“Allison and Miles hardly even remember.”
“The school day ends, but Allison was unsuccessful”
Past tense or presentence, I’m a little confused where you’re at, you can do either but you need to try and make it all match up. There were a couple other spots where I noticed this but I didn’t copy them over, these are just examples. I notice it more because I’m trying to correct the same thing in my own book and it’s durn hard.
Hope this helped you out. Keep at it!
I really liked it, your clever and have a good vocabulary. The first paragraph had me interested right away since it made me laugh; I also really like the contrast of a couple of teenagers dealing with high school the same day the end of the world is being discovered. I didn’t manage to get further than the first chapter before writing this, but I think you’ve got a good story.
However, since this is a “depth” and “constructive review I’ll make mention of a couple things that seemed off balance when I read it.
I felt like I was missing bits of the back story, is there a reason why the mom is so mean? Would a teacher usually admit to his students he just wants to get somebody in trouble? (That’s what I felt like was being implied) It also felt like the course of a single day was a really short time for people to decide that the world is ending and announce it to the country.
There was just a couple grammatical things that I’d like to point out.
“Still, he’d rather be a (don’t you mean at?) school than at home with his ever-complaining mother.”
“. Allison was a year younger than Miles and the two have known each other for about three years.”
“Allison and Miles hardly even remember.”
“The school day ends, but Allison was unsuccessful”
Past tense or presentence, I’m a little confused where you’re at, you can do either but you need to try and make it all match up. There were a couple other spots where I noticed this but I didn’t copy them over, these are just examples. I notice it more because I’m trying to correct the same thing in my own book and it’s durn hard.
Hope this helped you out. Keep at it!
10/27/2008 c2 3Mercyette
One of the best things I enjoy about this story is all the comedy you manage to put into it. Its entertaining how the world is coming to an end and Miles and Allison just seem to take it in stride. That and I liked how you put the Wednesday comment in at the beginning - I found it SO true.
The only thing I could recommend as far as con crit goes is to use a line break to make the different scenes a bit easier to read. As far as the writing itself, I really enjoy it. I'll have to keep reading, though I stil think Starting Over is my personal favorite. ;)
3MercyetteOne of the best things I enjoy about this story is all the comedy you manage to put into it. Its entertaining how the world is coming to an end and Miles and Allison just seem to take it in stride. That and I liked how you put the Wednesday comment in at the beginning - I found it SO true.
The only thing I could recommend as far as con crit goes is to use a line break to make the different scenes a bit easier to read. As far as the writing itself, I really enjoy it. I'll have to keep reading, though I stil think Starting Over is my personal favorite. ;)
10/25/2008 c4 8Written
haha I love the beginning. OH HYDE PARK, DONT EVER CHANGE.
[Unless one of them is fat. I'm not into that.”]
hee hee. so shallow.
the PI will work for maybe free? interesting. the polar shift has some good effects after all.
I love your style; everything is so easy to read. very clear and concise.
[“That doesn't mean you get a free ride. Either you or Jamie needs to get a job. Immediately.”]
it must not be too hard to get a job now that everyone's run off?
[“They've usually followed the rules of plausibility, though. I’m getting to the bottom of this.”]
haha. SERIOUSLY, weird! did their school close? aha! so their school DID close. that sucks to have to go to school at hyde park then.
would have appreciated some more description of their PI; more show, less tell? lack-of-empathy look is a very vague description, and right now, I cant imagine what that look is. does that mean that her face is free of expression?
[“Yeah! You. Me. Miles. His brother Chuck. Maybe even Jamie. Probably Gary if necessary. Hopefully he’s not necessary.”]
haha. very funny. I like your sense of humor; it adds a lot to the story. gives it a sitcom feel, even.
8Writtenhaha I love the beginning. OH HYDE PARK, DONT EVER CHANGE.
[Unless one of them is fat. I'm not into that.”]
hee hee. so shallow.
the PI will work for maybe free? interesting. the polar shift has some good effects after all.
I love your style; everything is so easy to read. very clear and concise.
[“That doesn't mean you get a free ride. Either you or Jamie needs to get a job. Immediately.”]
it must not be too hard to get a job now that everyone's run off?
[“They've usually followed the rules of plausibility, though. I’m getting to the bottom of this.”]
haha. SERIOUSLY, weird! did their school close? aha! so their school DID close. that sucks to have to go to school at hyde park then.
would have appreciated some more description of their PI; more show, less tell? lack-of-empathy look is a very vague description, and right now, I cant imagine what that look is. does that mean that her face is free of expression?
[“Yeah! You. Me. Miles. His brother Chuck. Maybe even Jamie. Probably Gary if necessary. Hopefully he’s not necessary.”]
haha. very funny. I like your sense of humor; it adds a lot to the story. gives it a sitcom feel, even.
10/24/2008 c3 Written
“Talsteed?” the janitor mirrored. “Ah! The mustache guy! Yeah, he's not here anymore. Apparently he's always wanted to be an interpretive dancer. Left yesterday.”
two comments on this line: FIRST, great build up talking about how he would never leave, and then the surprise that hes become a dancer. it's VERY funny.
second: "mirrored" used here confused me until I realized what you meant. I always imagine it as physically mirroring, so I was like "WHAT?" ... anyway.
[“Dr. Talsteed's approved. I have his signature on a napkin to prove it.”]
haha very cute.
is the mystery part to do with the mother? and the money and stuff? man, what a mom to just up and leave. how will the government track her? sorry, I'm really dumb. you should explain this to me.
my only complaint would be that there doesn't appear to be much suspense, so I'm not yet curious about what will happen to the world or your characters. I think you sacrifice it at times for the sake of humor... but it works, because the story IS funny.
I'd like to see more effects of the polar shift, but I'm sure that will come into play later.
“Talsteed?” the janitor mirrored. “Ah! The mustache guy! Yeah, he's not here anymore. Apparently he's always wanted to be an interpretive dancer. Left yesterday.”
two comments on this line: FIRST, great build up talking about how he would never leave, and then the surprise that hes become a dancer. it's VERY funny.
second: "mirrored" used here confused me until I realized what you meant. I always imagine it as physically mirroring, so I was like "WHAT?" ... anyway.
[“Dr. Talsteed's approved. I have his signature on a napkin to prove it.”]
haha very cute.
is the mystery part to do with the mother? and the money and stuff? man, what a mom to just up and leave. how will the government track her? sorry, I'm really dumb. you should explain this to me.
my only complaint would be that there doesn't appear to be much suspense, so I'm not yet curious about what will happen to the world or your characters. I think you sacrifice it at times for the sake of humor... but it works, because the story IS funny.
I'd like to see more effects of the polar shift, but I'm sure that will come into play later.
10/23/2008 c4 la bonne annee
For review game!
Yay, now I get to review one of your stories! I read the first 3 chapters previously, so I do know what's going on. I like the premise because you can basically so whatever the hell you want, and it makes for fun situations and characters. I like your dialouge too. Its not the most realistic, but somehting tells me that's not what your going for anyway. Its just funny and quirky, and I like reading it.
The only suggestion I have are about descriptions-they are lacking! I know this is based on a tv show, and that is exactly how it reads, like something I should be watching, not reading. If you added a bit more descriptions of the characters, that would help. Especially the 'Devil'. You descibe him only as tall and black. Maybe a bit more would help to create the image in my head, cuz right now he's not terribly orginal.
But thats neither here nor there really, because its funny and that makes it good.
For review game!
Yay, now I get to review one of your stories! I read the first 3 chapters previously, so I do know what's going on. I like the premise because you can basically so whatever the hell you want, and it makes for fun situations and characters. I like your dialouge too. Its not the most realistic, but somehting tells me that's not what your going for anyway. Its just funny and quirky, and I like reading it.
The only suggestion I have are about descriptions-they are lacking! I know this is based on a tv show, and that is exactly how it reads, like something I should be watching, not reading. If you added a bit more descriptions of the characters, that would help. Especially the 'Devil'. You descibe him only as tall and black. Maybe a bit more would help to create the image in my head, cuz right now he's not terribly orginal.
But thats neither here nor there really, because its funny and that makes it good.
10/21/2008 c2 Written
I love thursdays, really. because fridays are awesome and thursdays are close enough to fridays that it works. but you're right, I hate wednesdays.
tomorrow is actually a wednesday. eww.
I like the bit about kids dropping out and stuff... adds some realism.
[Such news is too funny to hide laughter for.]
I wonder if it would be better if you kept it all past tense. that way it would just be more consistent? so the IS would be WAS in that case.
I think its strange that everyone starts freaking out (dropping out, leaving their jobs) a year before anything could happen? but maybe that's how it would be... hm. I mentioned this earlier in the review though, and I still think it adds realism, in the sense that if the world was ending, people would flip out. but... too soon?
I enjoy your light tone, because too often, stories about events like these are over dark and not particularly enjoyable to read. well, they are, but the levity here makes it more amusing, if that makes sense.
What I wish you would do is put a line break when scenes would change... haha, are you tired of hearing that yet?
I love thursdays, really. because fridays are awesome and thursdays are close enough to fridays that it works. but you're right, I hate wednesdays.
tomorrow is actually a wednesday. eww.
I like the bit about kids dropping out and stuff... adds some realism.
[Such news is too funny to hide laughter for.]
I wonder if it would be better if you kept it all past tense. that way it would just be more consistent? so the IS would be WAS in that case.
I think its strange that everyone starts freaking out (dropping out, leaving their jobs) a year before anything could happen? but maybe that's how it would be... hm. I mentioned this earlier in the review though, and I still think it adds realism, in the sense that if the world was ending, people would flip out. but... too soon?
I enjoy your light tone, because too often, stories about events like these are over dark and not particularly enjoyable to read. well, they are, but the levity here makes it more amusing, if that makes sense.
What I wish you would do is put a line break when scenes would change... haha, are you tired of hearing that yet?
10/21/2008 c1 Written
I don't usually like stories that begin with long descriptions of background, but the first paragraph just cracked me up with the hyde park bit, and I think too many stories (including my own, lord knows) ignore the physical... background of a place. I think you did well with setting the scene.
I like the interaction with miles and allison when they are about to go to school! that kind of bickering is very relateable. I'm not sure if that's a word... but yeah. nice and real feeling; the dialog's very natural.
Can I suggest line breaks to you? the sudden change in scene is jarring.
wow, what a vindictive teacher!
[“Paraguay might survive. Big maybe, though.”]
haha, nice.
[“No,” Allison replied. “My hot guy is just some butch chick with short hair! My life is ruined!”]
and... THAT is just unfortunate.
I think you have a really great story here! it's got this really funny undertone to it, and yeah. what a unique premise!
the only thing I didn't like was that the scene changes didn't have line breaks or anything to indicate that... the scene was changing to the reader. that makes things a wee bit confusing.
I don't usually like stories that begin with long descriptions of background, but the first paragraph just cracked me up with the hyde park bit, and I think too many stories (including my own, lord knows) ignore the physical... background of a place. I think you did well with setting the scene.
I like the interaction with miles and allison when they are about to go to school! that kind of bickering is very relateable. I'm not sure if that's a word... but yeah. nice and real feeling; the dialog's very natural.
Can I suggest line breaks to you? the sudden change in scene is jarring.
wow, what a vindictive teacher!
[“Paraguay might survive. Big maybe, though.”]
haha, nice.
[“No,” Allison replied. “My hot guy is just some butch chick with short hair! My life is ruined!”]
and... THAT is just unfortunate.
I think you have a really great story here! it's got this really funny undertone to it, and yeah. what a unique premise!
the only thing I didn't like was that the scene changes didn't have line breaks or anything to indicate that... the scene was changing to the reader. that makes things a wee bit confusing.
10/19/2008 c6 1DeidaraXTobi
Why does Jamie need a job so bad, anyway, if the world is going to end? Wait, so coma guy has no name, still? And what about the Carmen person? Ahh, I see. So what will he be telling them about the shift?
All in all, I have done my required 6 reviews, and honestly, I probably will not be reading any more of this, sorry. This story is not my type of story, but I am sure it can be quite popular with people who do like this kind of thing. It isn't how I expected it would be, which I'm not sure whether is a good or bad thing. I reiterate, this isn't generally my genre, I'm more of a YA/adventure/fantasy/romance/manga type, actually, pretty much anything except Sci Fi and Mystery.
What I like overall about these six chapters is the premise. You obviously have a great plot, and you're moving it along, but... There's the big B word-the characters are not strong enough to carry it very well. They seem cardboard and two-dimensional. Even after six chapters, I do not feel as if I know these characters very well. I think you could work on that a little bit, explore the characters some more and really bring them out with your dialogue, as you've done in the past. It almost seemed as if Dennis was the most likable character, actually, since he was fat and intelligent; he had something good and something bad going for him. A balance like that is really good. So in short; great plot, great idea, mostly good writing (except for a few typos, you seem to have a nice and varied vocabulary) but your characters could use a little sprucing up. I hope I was helpful, and I hope you don't get hurt or angry about what I've had to say. I'm only trying to help you become a better author.
-DXT
1DeidaraXTobiWhy does Jamie need a job so bad, anyway, if the world is going to end? Wait, so coma guy has no name, still? And what about the Carmen person? Ahh, I see. So what will he be telling them about the shift?
All in all, I have done my required 6 reviews, and honestly, I probably will not be reading any more of this, sorry. This story is not my type of story, but I am sure it can be quite popular with people who do like this kind of thing. It isn't how I expected it would be, which I'm not sure whether is a good or bad thing. I reiterate, this isn't generally my genre, I'm more of a YA/adventure/fantasy/romance/manga type, actually, pretty much anything except Sci Fi and Mystery.
What I like overall about these six chapters is the premise. You obviously have a great plot, and you're moving it along, but... There's the big B word-the characters are not strong enough to carry it very well. They seem cardboard and two-dimensional. Even after six chapters, I do not feel as if I know these characters very well. I think you could work on that a little bit, explore the characters some more and really bring them out with your dialogue, as you've done in the past. It almost seemed as if Dennis was the most likable character, actually, since he was fat and intelligent; he had something good and something bad going for him. A balance like that is really good. So in short; great plot, great idea, mostly good writing (except for a few typos, you seem to have a nice and varied vocabulary) but your characters could use a little sprucing up. I hope I was helpful, and I hope you don't get hurt or angry about what I've had to say. I'm only trying to help you become a better author.
-DXT
10/19/2008 c5 DeidaraXTobi
Is there a reason each day of the week is told to us? Hahah, I liked the joke with leisure suit Larry, that got a smile out of me. :) Wait, Carmen is a woman? I thought that was the coma guy's name? I'm confused again. Ooh, the irony of a man in coma being the one who can reverse everything. I do like irony. Wait, what? The assistant principal is the Carmen Cortez everyone is looking for? Whuah? That was a pretty neat twist, I guess. Not sure if that was what you were looking for. I like where the story is going so far, but I still really don't feel like I'm really liking any of the characters so far. Maybe you should try giving them some flaws and ticks, so they feel more human. No offense or anything, I just try to give out real help. :)
Is there a reason each day of the week is told to us? Hahah, I liked the joke with leisure suit Larry, that got a smile out of me. :) Wait, Carmen is a woman? I thought that was the coma guy's name? I'm confused again. Ooh, the irony of a man in coma being the one who can reverse everything. I do like irony. Wait, what? The assistant principal is the Carmen Cortez everyone is looking for? Whuah? That was a pretty neat twist, I guess. Not sure if that was what you were looking for. I like where the story is going so far, but I still really don't feel like I'm really liking any of the characters so far. Maybe you should try giving them some flaws and ticks, so they feel more human. No offense or anything, I just try to give out real help. :)