for Polar Shift10/19/2008 c4 
1DeidaraXTobi
Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. Sounds like my boyfriend. I won't understand the dislike of gay guys, but they just love those lesbians. I like the realism there. I can totally see that. :) What is the man's name? And why did the teachers all transfer to a podunk town? I smell conspiracy. I hope you have something there, or it feels a little fake. I don't care for Chuck and Miles' mom. She kind of annoys me. There's a world crisis going on, and she's in Cancun? Wench. Ashley certainly is not very likable, either. I don't know if that was what you were going for or not.
1DeidaraXTobiChuck, Chuck, Chuck. Sounds like my boyfriend. I won't understand the dislike of gay guys, but they just love those lesbians. I like the realism there. I can totally see that. :) What is the man's name? And why did the teachers all transfer to a podunk town? I smell conspiracy. I hope you have something there, or it feels a little fake. I don't care for Chuck and Miles' mom. She kind of annoys me. There's a world crisis going on, and she's in Cancun? Wench. Ashley certainly is not very likable, either. I don't know if that was what you were going for or not.
10/19/2008 c3 DeidaraXTobi
Hm, did I miss what year this was written in? I know that the characters are 17, and 17 year olds can drive, but the likely hood of a 17 year old owning a car is pretty slim (trust me, I know people my own age-24-who do not own a car, it's pretty hard to maintain one.) So, I don't like that-it doesn't ring true to me, which kind of pulls me out of the story for a moment. I like the foreshadowing with the coma guy, though, I have a feeling he knows exactly what is going on. Is it really a polar shift at all? Haha, I just got done seeing a zombie film, what do you expect? And the thing with the mom has me intrigued. Why in the world is she going on a world trip? And why does Chuck talk about the Westin family as if he is not a part of it? Only time will tell.
Hm, did I miss what year this was written in? I know that the characters are 17, and 17 year olds can drive, but the likely hood of a 17 year old owning a car is pretty slim (trust me, I know people my own age-24-who do not own a car, it's pretty hard to maintain one.) So, I don't like that-it doesn't ring true to me, which kind of pulls me out of the story for a moment. I like the foreshadowing with the coma guy, though, I have a feeling he knows exactly what is going on. Is it really a polar shift at all? Haha, I just got done seeing a zombie film, what do you expect? And the thing with the mom has me intrigued. Why in the world is she going on a world trip? And why does Chuck talk about the Westin family as if he is not a part of it? Only time will tell.
10/19/2008 c2 DeidaraXTobi
At the beginning, I think you meant to say "his mother left a post-IT on the door" rather than a post-in. I like how you have the dialogue tell us about Jame the fiancee and that Dennis is fat. It's showing, not telling, which I've grown fond of. Hm, you should have a look at the lunchtime scene. I was confused by the statement that Jamie got up and walked over to Ashley-I had to keep reading to realize that I think you meant to say Miles had walked over to Ashley. And you should seriously give the breaks a try. It's confusing to read one paragraph about Chuck and Jamie's wedding date being moved up and then skip onto lunch with Ashley and Miles. I don't much care for the technical parts of the story, but that's my own taste. This isn't typically the sort of story I'd read, but I think you've got a good idea here.
At the beginning, I think you meant to say "his mother left a post-IT on the door" rather than a post-in. I like how you have the dialogue tell us about Jame the fiancee and that Dennis is fat. It's showing, not telling, which I've grown fond of. Hm, you should have a look at the lunchtime scene. I was confused by the statement that Jamie got up and walked over to Ashley-I had to keep reading to realize that I think you meant to say Miles had walked over to Ashley. And you should seriously give the breaks a try. It's confusing to read one paragraph about Chuck and Jamie's wedding date being moved up and then skip onto lunch with Ashley and Miles. I don't much care for the technical parts of the story, but that's my own taste. This isn't typically the sort of story I'd read, but I think you've got a good idea here.
10/19/2008 c1 DeidaraXTobi
Starts out interesting enough. The teacher seems harsh, though. I almost expected him to applaud the kid who had stood up to him! It would probably help if you had dividers of some sort between the different scenes, though. I had to reread the paragraph after Dennis and Chuck were speaking; wondering why it suddenly changed to Allison and Miles at school. Too bad Allison is not into girls. :) Anyway, I liked the idea of the polar shift thing. I have a feeling it's going to be a survival story (?) and I'm a sucker for those things. What I didn't like was that the characters, at the moment, seemed hard to get a feel for, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.
Starts out interesting enough. The teacher seems harsh, though. I almost expected him to applaud the kid who had stood up to him! It would probably help if you had dividers of some sort between the different scenes, though. I had to reread the paragraph after Dennis and Chuck were speaking; wondering why it suddenly changed to Allison and Miles at school. Too bad Allison is not into girls. :) Anyway, I liked the idea of the polar shift thing. I have a feeling it's going to be a survival story (?) and I'm a sucker for those things. What I didn't like was that the characters, at the moment, seemed hard to get a feel for, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.
10/18/2008 c1 3Mercyette
I have to say that you've done a great job with the humor in this piece as well. The ending cracked me up with Allison. . I also liked how you described the weather changes as well. You seemed to know what you were talking about, which made the story more believeable.
The only thing I can comment negatively on would be just the structure of the story. It was hard tryin to keep up with the different scenes so you might want to put a page break between them to make it easier to read. Either that or you could try writing the scenes with Miles all at once and then the scenes with Dennis all at once, that way you would only have to switch back once. Just a suggestion though.
Overall, it was a very entertaining first chapter. I'll have to read more!
3MercyetteI have to say that you've done a great job with the humor in this piece as well. The ending cracked me up with Allison. . I also liked how you described the weather changes as well. You seemed to know what you were talking about, which made the story more believeable.
The only thing I can comment negatively on would be just the structure of the story. It was hard tryin to keep up with the different scenes so you might want to put a page break between them to make it easier to read. Either that or you could try writing the scenes with Miles all at once and then the scenes with Dennis all at once, that way you would only have to switch back once. Just a suggestion though.
Overall, it was a very entertaining first chapter. I'll have to read more!
10/16/2008 c1 Fractured Illusion
Opening: Kind of interesting, you know, to start a story about talking of a location. In a manner that doesnt describe how it looks, rather than how it is. So I liked that for the difference. first sentence and I was like WTF is this?
"Chuck graduated high school at 16 at 20-years-old; he is already working on his doctorat"
Confusing sentence, because you don't let there be any space between the two ages. It makes it seem like you cant decide if he graduated at 16 or 20. Try adding a period or add a "and"
Horribly confusing with the two-scenes-going-on-without-you-spacing-it-out-or-showing-in-some-way-that-they-are-different. We read about Miles and BAM, there si Chuck without any warning. Not smooth, man.
Really liked this part of the dialog:
“Not yet,” Allison said with a gleam of hope, “but I can assure you, I will find him before the day ends, even if it kills me.”
“I’ll probably wind up being the one who pulls the trigger, too.”
Shows a nice familiarity and hostile friendliness ^^ It's nice to see
"“The magnetic field shift about 380,0 years ago. We’re way overdue for another one. "
This is more of a question to you: Is this true or not?
If it is true, why arent people freaking out about it? O_o
I like the light hearted attitude that takes place in these serious times. It doesnt seem realistic, sure, but it's still entertaining and also shows a certain style.
Nice job so far
Frac
Opening: Kind of interesting, you know, to start a story about talking of a location. In a manner that doesnt describe how it looks, rather than how it is. So I liked that for the difference. first sentence and I was like WTF is this?
"Chuck graduated high school at 16 at 20-years-old; he is already working on his doctorat"
Confusing sentence, because you don't let there be any space between the two ages. It makes it seem like you cant decide if he graduated at 16 or 20. Try adding a period or add a "and"
Horribly confusing with the two-scenes-going-on-without-you-spacing-it-out-or-showing-in-some-way-that-they-are-different. We read about Miles and BAM, there si Chuck without any warning. Not smooth, man.
Really liked this part of the dialog:
“Not yet,” Allison said with a gleam of hope, “but I can assure you, I will find him before the day ends, even if it kills me.”
“I’ll probably wind up being the one who pulls the trigger, too.”
Shows a nice familiarity and hostile friendliness ^^ It's nice to see
"“The magnetic field shift about 380,0 years ago. We’re way overdue for another one. "
This is more of a question to you: Is this true or not?
If it is true, why arent people freaking out about it? O_o
I like the light hearted attitude that takes place in these serious times. It doesnt seem realistic, sure, but it's still entertaining and also shows a certain style.
Nice job so far
Frac
10/10/2008 c1 caliesenh
OH, great summary and good discription!
I'm Caliese from and I was wondering if I could post this on my site.
It's /caliesgirl
Tell me your anserw in your review, if you can...
Thanks!
OH, great summary and good discription!
I'm Caliese from and I was wondering if I could post this on my site.
It's /caliesgirl
Tell me your anserw in your review, if you can...
Thanks!
10/7/2008 c16 9Dot Cubed
Okay, so I've stopped reading just to make this one comment, but isn't Miles cross-examining Drake? That would mean that he'd be allowed to lead the witness. (I took AP Gov last year and I was a mock lawyer; it was pretty sweet, which is part of the reason why I'm partial to this chapter)
Anyway, I'm gonna finish reading and get to the actual review.
First off, I just have a comment about writing. I thought the beginning was really kinda boring-or not boring, but there was no variation in your sentence structure. Take this part, for example:
[On the other side of the courtroom, the defense was making its way inside as well. Larry Burke was following Coretta closely as they entered through the double doors. The jury sat to the right. Miles couldn't call him Leisure Suit Larry anymore. Coretta forced him to wear a professional suit and tie to look presentable to the jury. Appearances played a major part in trial decisions.]
It just seems like a paragraph of short sentences that you're throwing out at the reader like facts. Combine some of them, or something, because right now it really wasn't that fun to read. Varying sentence structure would help here.
Gary definitely continues to be my absolute favorite character ever. I loved how he stood up and waved when his name was mentioned and then the part where he was fiddling with the Rubik's Cube! I giggled at that part, haha. He definitely needs to get some speaking lines soon, cause I feel like he's been lacking in these past few chapters. And of course, all your other characters never cease to amuse me. Poor Drake must seem psychotic to the jury, though.
I actually really enjoyed this chapter. It reminded me of last year when I was in AP Gov and we were doing a mock trial. I'm kinda a sucker for that sort of stuff! I think you got all the legal stuff down, too, so that's good, except for the one part where I'm pretty sure Miles was supposed to be cross-examining Drake. Haha, and I loved when Allison pulled Chuck out of the prosecutor's seat. Very amusing.
Your dialogue, once again, was as fresh as ever. And I felt like it really suited the trial itself, while remaining true to how the characters would react. Very nice. And Miles' last line kinda gave me chills, haha
9Dot CubedOkay, so I've stopped reading just to make this one comment, but isn't Miles cross-examining Drake? That would mean that he'd be allowed to lead the witness. (I took AP Gov last year and I was a mock lawyer; it was pretty sweet, which is part of the reason why I'm partial to this chapter)
Anyway, I'm gonna finish reading and get to the actual review.
First off, I just have a comment about writing. I thought the beginning was really kinda boring-or not boring, but there was no variation in your sentence structure. Take this part, for example:
[On the other side of the courtroom, the defense was making its way inside as well. Larry Burke was following Coretta closely as they entered through the double doors. The jury sat to the right. Miles couldn't call him Leisure Suit Larry anymore. Coretta forced him to wear a professional suit and tie to look presentable to the jury. Appearances played a major part in trial decisions.]
It just seems like a paragraph of short sentences that you're throwing out at the reader like facts. Combine some of them, or something, because right now it really wasn't that fun to read. Varying sentence structure would help here.
Gary definitely continues to be my absolute favorite character ever. I loved how he stood up and waved when his name was mentioned and then the part where he was fiddling with the Rubik's Cube! I giggled at that part, haha. He definitely needs to get some speaking lines soon, cause I feel like he's been lacking in these past few chapters. And of course, all your other characters never cease to amuse me. Poor Drake must seem psychotic to the jury, though.
I actually really enjoyed this chapter. It reminded me of last year when I was in AP Gov and we were doing a mock trial. I'm kinda a sucker for that sort of stuff! I think you got all the legal stuff down, too, so that's good, except for the one part where I'm pretty sure Miles was supposed to be cross-examining Drake. Haha, and I loved when Allison pulled Chuck out of the prosecutor's seat. Very amusing.
Your dialogue, once again, was as fresh as ever. And I felt like it really suited the trial itself, while remaining true to how the characters would react. Very nice. And Miles' last line kinda gave me chills, haha
10/5/2008 c1 5Mistval
Cool story. A few minor typos like in the last line of paragraph two. The third paragraph is a little confusing though. Generational improvement? There are various typos interspersed throughout the story that you should be able to pick up with a proofread.
-
In paragraph four I'd recommend replacing:
"but his older brother dwarfed his own intelligence"
with "but his older brother's intelligence dwarfed his own"
-
"Allison was a year younger than Miles and the two have known each other for about three years."
There's a tense crisis in there. You go from past to present tense.
-
The dialogue in general is a bit awkward. Perhaps the sophisticated language use is purposeful, but it doesn't work out well for the reader, whom you want to relate to your characters.
The idea is a pretty cool one though, definitely story worthy.
5MistvalCool story. A few minor typos like in the last line of paragraph two. The third paragraph is a little confusing though. Generational improvement? There are various typos interspersed throughout the story that you should be able to pick up with a proofread.
-
In paragraph four I'd recommend replacing:
"but his older brother dwarfed his own intelligence"
with "but his older brother's intelligence dwarfed his own"
-
"Allison was a year younger than Miles and the two have known each other for about three years."
There's a tense crisis in there. You go from past to present tense.
-
The dialogue in general is a bit awkward. Perhaps the sophisticated language use is purposeful, but it doesn't work out well for the reader, whom you want to relate to your characters.
The idea is a pretty cool one though, definitely story worthy.
9/28/2008 c6 4Theological Medusa
Now we're getting somewhere! I like the way that suddenly, the engaged couple isn't so "together" any more. I especially like how Jamie gets her job, and how well you used just the other lady's reaction to show that she had been fired. It was a great "show, not tell" moment.
Some of the transitions are still a little vague, but it's going a lot smoother than before. I'm not confused any more, at least.
I don't like how the principal handled her students' interest in the new vice principal. I don't think she would have any reason to try to kick Allison or Miles out before Allison started in on questioning Tony about the shift. There just didn't seem to be any plausible reasons for it.
4Theological MedusaNow we're getting somewhere! I like the way that suddenly, the engaged couple isn't so "together" any more. I especially like how Jamie gets her job, and how well you used just the other lady's reaction to show that she had been fired. It was a great "show, not tell" moment.
Some of the transitions are still a little vague, but it's going a lot smoother than before. I'm not confused any more, at least.
I don't like how the principal handled her students' interest in the new vice principal. I don't think she would have any reason to try to kick Allison or Miles out before Allison started in on questioning Tony about the shift. There just didn't seem to be any plausible reasons for it.
9/28/2008 c5 Theological Medusa
I just love how forceful Allison is about getting Miles' help, because I can so relate her to several of my friends.
Very nice plot twists with Gary and Carmen.
I don't like how the private investigator keeps appearing in the Westin's home. I would assume you'd keep your door locked at night, especially considering that there are likely looters running about. So how is it she's getting in?
I just love how forceful Allison is about getting Miles' help, because I can so relate her to several of my friends.
Very nice plot twists with Gary and Carmen.
I don't like how the private investigator keeps appearing in the Westin's home. I would assume you'd keep your door locked at night, especially considering that there are likely looters running about. So how is it she's getting in?
9/28/2008 c4 Theological Medusa
The first coherent and recognizable and (thankfully) plausible chapter yet. I actually enjoyed reading this part, because it held a sort of mysticism about it. Especially all the new kids in the school suddenly appearing, and no one knowing about it until it happened.
Just a few mistakes here and there, but I'm sure from my previous points you can find them yourself.
I don't like how you handled the "Devil", however, because it seemed like he could be anything. Miles' response to him doesn't make sense, because we aren't led to believe anything about the nickname until later.
The first coherent and recognizable and (thankfully) plausible chapter yet. I actually enjoyed reading this part, because it held a sort of mysticism about it. Especially all the new kids in the school suddenly appearing, and no one knowing about it until it happened.
Just a few mistakes here and there, but I'm sure from my previous points you can find them yourself.
I don't like how you handled the "Devil", however, because it seemed like he could be anything. Miles' response to him doesn't make sense, because we aren't led to believe anything about the nickname until later.
9/28/2008 c3 Theological Medusa
If there was-is a great sentence-opener if used sparingly. Using it twice in a row is like saying you don't know how to say it.
I find the part where Chuck has to pick the lock really interesting. I relate to it a lot because my brother has to do the exact same thing. XD
I like the way that Miles says the "doc" is "capable". Tis funny because he's not. Great piece of irony.
All their clothes were unpack-keep the tenses proper...or you will confuse me further...
And...there's no possible way that the money that was embezzled wouldn't have been found out by now. Again, plausible?
If there was-is a great sentence-opener if used sparingly. Using it twice in a row is like saying you don't know how to say it.
I find the part where Chuck has to pick the lock really interesting. I relate to it a lot because my brother has to do the exact same thing. XD
I like the way that Miles says the "doc" is "capable". Tis funny because he's not. Great piece of irony.
All their clothes were unpack-keep the tenses proper...or you will confuse me further...
And...there's no possible way that the money that was embezzled wouldn't have been found out by now. Again, plausible?
9/28/2008 c2 Theological Medusa
...wha? The chapter was actually going fairly all right until suddenly Allison runs over someone...Uh...very confused about that, it just doesn't seem plausible a reaction. Nothing about this seems to be plausible.
On the other hand, I really like the fact that it made Ashley realize why she couldn't go out with Miles. It was kind of cute. ^^;
...wha? The chapter was actually going fairly all right until suddenly Allison runs over someone...Uh...very confused about that, it just doesn't seem plausible a reaction. Nothing about this seems to be plausible.
On the other hand, I really like the fact that it made Ashley realize why she couldn't go out with Miles. It was kind of cute. ^^;
9/28/2008 c1 Theological Medusa
Okay, you've just made me open up the review window at the beginning of the story-not good. _ I like the information about the town-it's pretty cool trivia. But that's what it is, honey. Trivia. Do we really need to know all this stuff about the Westins right now? Right now, your priority should be to hook me in, not bore me to tears.
Some grammar/spelling mistakes:
Miles was always thought of...this paragraph alone. Try not using passive voice. How about this, instead: Miles' classmates thought he was smart, but Chuck, his older brother, dwarfed his intelligence.
The sentence after that: Chuck graduated high school at 16 at 20-years-old; he is already working on his doctorate in physics.
Read it aloud. Here's a better way: Chuck had graduated high school at sixteen-at twenty, he was already working on a doctorate in Physics.
Find a different way to transition between scenes-you're confusing me switching back and forth between the two at the present way.
"Put on a put of coffee..."-should be pot
Back at Hyde’s Park High School-love this transition. So simple, yet it gets the job done.
As for the scientific mumbo jumbo...you don't just come to the conclusion that the magnetic field is shifting from a sudden weird change in temp in the middle of the ocean. The magnetic shift would be accompanied by various other phenomena, including sudden storms, beached whales, weird bird migrations, etc.
Allison makes me laugh. XD
All in all, I like where you're going with this, there are just a few things you could have done better. The characters, from what I've seen, are great. Allison is my favorite, because she's just oblivious. It's great. ^_^
Okay, you've just made me open up the review window at the beginning of the story-not good. _ I like the information about the town-it's pretty cool trivia. But that's what it is, honey. Trivia. Do we really need to know all this stuff about the Westins right now? Right now, your priority should be to hook me in, not bore me to tears.
Some grammar/spelling mistakes:
Miles was always thought of...this paragraph alone. Try not using passive voice. How about this, instead: Miles' classmates thought he was smart, but Chuck, his older brother, dwarfed his intelligence.
The sentence after that: Chuck graduated high school at 16 at 20-years-old; he is already working on his doctorate in physics.
Read it aloud. Here's a better way: Chuck had graduated high school at sixteen-at twenty, he was already working on a doctorate in Physics.
Find a different way to transition between scenes-you're confusing me switching back and forth between the two at the present way.
"Put on a put of coffee..."-should be pot
Back at Hyde’s Park High School-love this transition. So simple, yet it gets the job done.
As for the scientific mumbo jumbo...you don't just come to the conclusion that the magnetic field is shifting from a sudden weird change in temp in the middle of the ocean. The magnetic shift would be accompanied by various other phenomena, including sudden storms, beached whales, weird bird migrations, etc.
Allison makes me laugh. XD
All in all, I like where you're going with this, there are just a few things you could have done better. The characters, from what I've seen, are great. Allison is my favorite, because she's just oblivious. It's great. ^_^