for Polar Shift9/27/2008 c1 
7CrimsonxShadows
Review Game-
Your opening was pretty nice. It caught my attention at the confused contempt of the city's name. Well done; you have successfully drawn me into this story.
For grammar, you did pretty well:
"It’s a stupid name and what makes it even stupider is the fact that there is a park in the middle of this podunk..." You need to put a comma after name because it's a complex sentence.
Oh, unless this main character is unintelligent and nonchalant about the world's polar areas being shifted, you might not want to use 'stupider' a lot. It was interesting and eye-catching in the first paragraph, but you don't want to OVER-use the word.
Your vocabulary and voice are completely clear. There's rich sarcasm and contempt that makes the reader nod their head and say, 'This writer knows character depth.' As for the vocabulary, you're amazing. Just a few choice favorites that have me foaming at the mouth are: 'podunk', 'partriarch', using the word 'dwarf' to describe comparison in intellegence. Very nice.
One problem that I see is: you narrate A LOT where you could make actions, and you write so many lines of dialogue, right after the other.
Instead of saying, "The fat man begrudgingly stood up and walked over to Chuck’s computer...", say something like:
'The fat man emitted a great whoosh of a sigh and craned himself out of his chair, half-heartedly dragging himself over to the computer.' Or something like this. This is a bad example, mainly because it's not the right voice.
Your dialogue is nice, but try to space a lot of conversation out a little. Put one or two paragraphs in there after a while-like describe the scenery (for example). The story is pretty good, from what I can see!
7CrimsonxShadowsReview Game-
Your opening was pretty nice. It caught my attention at the confused contempt of the city's name. Well done; you have successfully drawn me into this story.
For grammar, you did pretty well:
"It’s a stupid name and what makes it even stupider is the fact that there is a park in the middle of this podunk..." You need to put a comma after name because it's a complex sentence.
Oh, unless this main character is unintelligent and nonchalant about the world's polar areas being shifted, you might not want to use 'stupider' a lot. It was interesting and eye-catching in the first paragraph, but you don't want to OVER-use the word.
Your vocabulary and voice are completely clear. There's rich sarcasm and contempt that makes the reader nod their head and say, 'This writer knows character depth.' As for the vocabulary, you're amazing. Just a few choice favorites that have me foaming at the mouth are: 'podunk', 'partriarch', using the word 'dwarf' to describe comparison in intellegence. Very nice.
One problem that I see is: you narrate A LOT where you could make actions, and you write so many lines of dialogue, right after the other.
Instead of saying, "The fat man begrudgingly stood up and walked over to Chuck’s computer...", say something like:
'The fat man emitted a great whoosh of a sigh and craned himself out of his chair, half-heartedly dragging himself over to the computer.' Or something like this. This is a bad example, mainly because it's not the right voice.
Your dialogue is nice, but try to space a lot of conversation out a little. Put one or two paragraphs in there after a while-like describe the scenery (for example). The story is pretty good, from what I can see!
9/26/2008 c4 5Midori Ushi Law
I enjoyed this chapter despite the slight drop in humor. I enjoyed this chapter because I can finally see a true plot forming. It's only a matter of time before I see a real investigation taking place.
I also always enjoy this story because of how well written it is. Your form is always magnificent. I got lost on one small part of the dialogue, but I quickly regained understanding. Good chapter (Review Game Sept 26)
5Midori Ushi LawI enjoyed this chapter despite the slight drop in humor. I enjoyed this chapter because I can finally see a true plot forming. It's only a matter of time before I see a real investigation taking place.
I also always enjoy this story because of how well written it is. Your form is always magnificent. I got lost on one small part of the dialogue, but I quickly regained understanding. Good chapter (Review Game Sept 26)
9/24/2008 c3 19Kyllorac
You mention the lights flickering; that's good, except that electromagnetic interference wouldn't only affect lights. The shifting EM fields would affect everything electronic. Cars, computers, traffic lights, cell phones, the entire power grid: all of these would be permanently shorted out by a single spike in EM if the spike is large enough. Also, long periods of darkness and then light again would not be occurring; aside from the flickering burning out circuits and bulbs willy-nilly, once EM interferes long-term with an electrical system, all electronics in that system fry and can never be used again.
I suggest researching the effects of EM fields on electronics and living things.
Ha! So the teachers did abandon their posts! That makes much more sense. You can completely disregard my comments on this in my previous review. Still, moving all the students in the district into the one school just like that is really unrealistic. If Matthews is still following procedure to the extent you portray it, it's just not likely. The most likely thing to happen would be all the schools closing down.
The verb tenses did not shift much at all in this chapter. When they did, it didn't bother me as much because they weren't very common. Now, if you could just go back and fix all the verb tense shifts in the previous chapters...
I would say the plot thickens, only it doesn't really feel that way. Everything just seems to be taken too lightly, and it detracts from the air of suspense/dysfunction that should be all-pervasive at this point. Taking things too seriously is one thing; not taking them seriously enough is another. I'm not saying to kill all the humor, but a bit more darkening of character's attitudes (in contrast to their current flippance) would greatly add to the sense of urgency and suspense.
As it stands, characterization is a bit more fleshed out in the case of Principal Ling, but overall flat for the others. As a result, their reactions seems unrealistic, and Sarkassian having some sort of sixth sense seemed to come right out of the blue via plot point.
As for the ending, I'm left wondering why and how would the government/the embezzled company care/track down Andrea through her money? The money is from the 20s, a ton of people probably ditched their posts in government and the company, and, thus, both would lack the means and manpower to hunt down a lone woman on a world trip (not to mention the international aspect; would other countries even be willing to allow tourists in?).
Overall, the story is improving, but you still need to do quite a bit of research. You could also have a lot of fun exploring all the implications of people leaving their posts throughout the course of the story; just a suggestion.
19KylloracYou mention the lights flickering; that's good, except that electromagnetic interference wouldn't only affect lights. The shifting EM fields would affect everything electronic. Cars, computers, traffic lights, cell phones, the entire power grid: all of these would be permanently shorted out by a single spike in EM if the spike is large enough. Also, long periods of darkness and then light again would not be occurring; aside from the flickering burning out circuits and bulbs willy-nilly, once EM interferes long-term with an electrical system, all electronics in that system fry and can never be used again.
I suggest researching the effects of EM fields on electronics and living things.
Ha! So the teachers did abandon their posts! That makes much more sense. You can completely disregard my comments on this in my previous review. Still, moving all the students in the district into the one school just like that is really unrealistic. If Matthews is still following procedure to the extent you portray it, it's just not likely. The most likely thing to happen would be all the schools closing down.
The verb tenses did not shift much at all in this chapter. When they did, it didn't bother me as much because they weren't very common. Now, if you could just go back and fix all the verb tense shifts in the previous chapters...
I would say the plot thickens, only it doesn't really feel that way. Everything just seems to be taken too lightly, and it detracts from the air of suspense/dysfunction that should be all-pervasive at this point. Taking things too seriously is one thing; not taking them seriously enough is another. I'm not saying to kill all the humor, but a bit more darkening of character's attitudes (in contrast to their current flippance) would greatly add to the sense of urgency and suspense.
As it stands, characterization is a bit more fleshed out in the case of Principal Ling, but overall flat for the others. As a result, their reactions seems unrealistic, and Sarkassian having some sort of sixth sense seemed to come right out of the blue via plot point.
As for the ending, I'm left wondering why and how would the government/the embezzled company care/track down Andrea through her money? The money is from the 20s, a ton of people probably ditched their posts in government and the company, and, thus, both would lack the means and manpower to hunt down a lone woman on a world trip (not to mention the international aspect; would other countries even be willing to allow tourists in?).
Overall, the story is improving, but you still need to do quite a bit of research. You could also have a lot of fun exploring all the implications of people leaving their posts throughout the course of the story; just a suggestion.
9/24/2008 c2 Kyllorac
The sun was beginning to rise - "The sun was rising" is much more concise. As I mentioned in my previous review, a lot of your sentences, especially in the beginning, are overly wordy. Cut down on the wordiness (and redundancies), and focus more on conveying the absolute necessities in as few words as possible. Once you've mentioned all the necessities, you can add in details and embellishments to accentuate and enhance those necessities; just remember not to get too carried away with the details so that they overwhelm the meanings of your sentences. :P
Miles pulled himself and - Pulled himself where? Which direction?
Verb tense shifts, though present, are not as pervasive in this chapter. Still, you'll want to go back and hunt them down and then slaughter the little beasties. They're very distracting for the reader.
Characterization was also pretty flat this chapter, and the reactions were unbelievable. Jamie's reaction, in particular, seemed extremely unrealistic. She's worried more about her wedding that the world ending? Ashley's introspection and discovery that she's really a lesbian was the most realistic of all the reactions, but since it was used for comic relief, it seems to say that you're not all that interested in developing interesting and "real" characters. Also, why, when all the students and other public/emergency workers have cut loose and run, are all the teachers and the principal still at school? I think at least a few of them would have ditched their jobs to do whatever they wanted with their last remaining year of life.
Plotwise, I don't see the element of mystery. Drama, yes. Potential romance looming on the horizon, yes. Mystery, where? We know that a polar shift is going to occur. We know that it will happen in about a year. We also know that the polar shift will result in a whole host of natural disasters that will likely wipe out human civilization in its entirety. What don't we know? This has effectively killed all hope for suspense and mystery. About the only element of mystery in here is the man's cryptic statements, and they feel cheap.
You should probably look at the mechanics of this world and study how a whole bunch of people suddenly ditching their jobs would affect life and society as a whole. As is, not much has changed aside from no emergency services, no police services, and a lot of students dropping out of school. There should be much more chaos and disorder, even in a town of only 50 people. Especially in a town of 50 people.
Overall, grammar and spelling were better in this chapter than the first. The opening was also more solid and worked better to capture my attention. The lack of clear transitions wasn't as noticeable this chapter, mainly because each scene was able to stand alone as a fairly complete whole. I would say this second chapter was easier to read and slightly more enjoyable than the first, though, like the first, it needs a lot of improvement, mainly in characterization.
The sun was beginning to rise - "The sun was rising" is much more concise. As I mentioned in my previous review, a lot of your sentences, especially in the beginning, are overly wordy. Cut down on the wordiness (and redundancies), and focus more on conveying the absolute necessities in as few words as possible. Once you've mentioned all the necessities, you can add in details and embellishments to accentuate and enhance those necessities; just remember not to get too carried away with the details so that they overwhelm the meanings of your sentences. :P
Miles pulled himself and - Pulled himself where? Which direction?
Verb tense shifts, though present, are not as pervasive in this chapter. Still, you'll want to go back and hunt them down and then slaughter the little beasties. They're very distracting for the reader.
Characterization was also pretty flat this chapter, and the reactions were unbelievable. Jamie's reaction, in particular, seemed extremely unrealistic. She's worried more about her wedding that the world ending? Ashley's introspection and discovery that she's really a lesbian was the most realistic of all the reactions, but since it was used for comic relief, it seems to say that you're not all that interested in developing interesting and "real" characters. Also, why, when all the students and other public/emergency workers have cut loose and run, are all the teachers and the principal still at school? I think at least a few of them would have ditched their jobs to do whatever they wanted with their last remaining year of life.
Plotwise, I don't see the element of mystery. Drama, yes. Potential romance looming on the horizon, yes. Mystery, where? We know that a polar shift is going to occur. We know that it will happen in about a year. We also know that the polar shift will result in a whole host of natural disasters that will likely wipe out human civilization in its entirety. What don't we know? This has effectively killed all hope for suspense and mystery. About the only element of mystery in here is the man's cryptic statements, and they feel cheap.
You should probably look at the mechanics of this world and study how a whole bunch of people suddenly ditching their jobs would affect life and society as a whole. As is, not much has changed aside from no emergency services, no police services, and a lot of students dropping out of school. There should be much more chaos and disorder, even in a town of only 50 people. Especially in a town of 50 people.
Overall, grammar and spelling were better in this chapter than the first. The opening was also more solid and worked better to capture my attention. The lack of clear transitions wasn't as noticeable this chapter, mainly because each scene was able to stand alone as a fairly complete whole. I would say this second chapter was easier to read and slightly more enjoyable than the first, though, like the first, it needs a lot of improvement, mainly in characterization.
9/24/2008 c1 Kyllorac
The opening left me wondering, "Who is narrating this?" Is it an omniscient narrator, or is it one of the characters narrating? I ask this because heavily biased opinions are inserted into the first paragraph, and yet the second paragraph is entirely matter-of-fact. Omniscient narration generally should not show any biases or voice any opinions; the purpose of narration in the omniscient case is simply to tell things as they happened. If you want opinions inserted into the narrative itself, it is best to write from the POV of one of the characters via first-person or third-person limited.
Another thing that struck me about the opening were the first few sentences. They feel weak and overly wordy and didn't hook me at all. "Hyde's Park: it's a stupid name, and what makes it stupider is that there is a park in the middle of this podunk town of the same name." is a bit more interesting, but would only work if this story was told from a character's POV. Also, is Hyde's Park a city or a town? There's a very big difference between the two, yet you use both terms to describe the place.
Overall, there were a lot of shifts in verb tense. It really annoyed me and made this chapter feel disjointed. The rule of thumb for verb tenses is they should remain the same throughout a paragraph. Changing verb tense in the middle of a sentence, especially, is very bad and very confusing. Also, I would suggest picking an overall verb tense to use throughout the chapter and sticking to it; this will help unify the chapter in addition to making it easier to read and understand.
Another thing you might want to look at is varying your sentence structure. A lot of the sentences are built the same, and it gets a bit boring after a while. Play around with the sentence structures a bit here and there until you find a good balance between simple and more complex sentences. This will make the reading slightly more interesting and attention-grabbing without having to use plot devices. :P
Mr. James... Is he for real? No sane teacher acts like that (even in a dumpy school)... I hope you have a very good reason for him being that way, else it reeks of over-exaggeration of a stereotype; not a good thing. The other characters also seemed very flat and shallow, Andrea and the director, especially. As a result, the dialogue also felt very flat, scripted, and melodramatic.
You’ve checked if it was an alien invasion of any kind, Satan coming to reclaim his land, and the Loch Ness Monster having a party 20,0 Leagues under the Sea. - This made me laugh. Unfortunately, the fat man comment ruined it a bit. Unless Dennis is the type to poke fun at his weight, it comes off as extremely biased and stereotyped. Either establish that Dennis likes to poke fun and things (himself included) or change it to the more neutral "and I'm -hungry-!"
One other thing I liked was the science aspect of this story. The theory of the shifting of Earth's poles has always fascinated me, and it's interesting to play around with all the effects a pole shift would have on the environment and human civilization. The absoluteness of the timetable and effects, though, are a bit unrealistic. While we know pole shifts have occurred in the past, we do not know all of their effects, nor do we know the exact length of time in which they occurred. Also, unfortunately, you've gotten the pole shift hypothesis mixed up with geomagnetic reversal, which is the reversal of Earth's magnetic field (so that magnetic North becomes magnetic South).
Scene transitions seemed nonexistent. Scenes do not clearly end, and new scenes do not clearly begin; they all just kind of melt together. It would help if used dividers in between the scenes and treated each scene as almost its own mini chapter, capable of standing on its own as a complete entity. Also, you switch between a lot of short scenes often, which is also confusing. Treating each individual scene as its own separate chunk of story should help fix this as well.
Overall, this chapter needs a lot of revision, and I suggest doing research on the Polar Shift Hypothesis and Geomagnetic Reversal. The verb tense changes, flat characters, and bland sentences didn't do much to hook me, and, in some cases, really turned me off from this story. Still, the premise is very interesting, and I am interested in how you'll explore it.
The opening left me wondering, "Who is narrating this?" Is it an omniscient narrator, or is it one of the characters narrating? I ask this because heavily biased opinions are inserted into the first paragraph, and yet the second paragraph is entirely matter-of-fact. Omniscient narration generally should not show any biases or voice any opinions; the purpose of narration in the omniscient case is simply to tell things as they happened. If you want opinions inserted into the narrative itself, it is best to write from the POV of one of the characters via first-person or third-person limited.
Another thing that struck me about the opening were the first few sentences. They feel weak and overly wordy and didn't hook me at all. "Hyde's Park: it's a stupid name, and what makes it stupider is that there is a park in the middle of this podunk town of the same name." is a bit more interesting, but would only work if this story was told from a character's POV. Also, is Hyde's Park a city or a town? There's a very big difference between the two, yet you use both terms to describe the place.
Overall, there were a lot of shifts in verb tense. It really annoyed me and made this chapter feel disjointed. The rule of thumb for verb tenses is they should remain the same throughout a paragraph. Changing verb tense in the middle of a sentence, especially, is very bad and very confusing. Also, I would suggest picking an overall verb tense to use throughout the chapter and sticking to it; this will help unify the chapter in addition to making it easier to read and understand.
Another thing you might want to look at is varying your sentence structure. A lot of the sentences are built the same, and it gets a bit boring after a while. Play around with the sentence structures a bit here and there until you find a good balance between simple and more complex sentences. This will make the reading slightly more interesting and attention-grabbing without having to use plot devices. :P
Mr. James... Is he for real? No sane teacher acts like that (even in a dumpy school)... I hope you have a very good reason for him being that way, else it reeks of over-exaggeration of a stereotype; not a good thing. The other characters also seemed very flat and shallow, Andrea and the director, especially. As a result, the dialogue also felt very flat, scripted, and melodramatic.
You’ve checked if it was an alien invasion of any kind, Satan coming to reclaim his land, and the Loch Ness Monster having a party 20,0 Leagues under the Sea. - This made me laugh. Unfortunately, the fat man comment ruined it a bit. Unless Dennis is the type to poke fun at his weight, it comes off as extremely biased and stereotyped. Either establish that Dennis likes to poke fun and things (himself included) or change it to the more neutral "and I'm -hungry-!"
One other thing I liked was the science aspect of this story. The theory of the shifting of Earth's poles has always fascinated me, and it's interesting to play around with all the effects a pole shift would have on the environment and human civilization. The absoluteness of the timetable and effects, though, are a bit unrealistic. While we know pole shifts have occurred in the past, we do not know all of their effects, nor do we know the exact length of time in which they occurred. Also, unfortunately, you've gotten the pole shift hypothesis mixed up with geomagnetic reversal, which is the reversal of Earth's magnetic field (so that magnetic North becomes magnetic South).
Scene transitions seemed nonexistent. Scenes do not clearly end, and new scenes do not clearly begin; they all just kind of melt together. It would help if used dividers in between the scenes and treated each scene as almost its own mini chapter, capable of standing on its own as a complete entity. Also, you switch between a lot of short scenes often, which is also confusing. Treating each individual scene as its own separate chunk of story should help fix this as well.
Overall, this chapter needs a lot of revision, and I suggest doing research on the Polar Shift Hypothesis and Geomagnetic Reversal. The verb tense changes, flat characters, and bland sentences didn't do much to hook me, and, in some cases, really turned me off from this story. Still, the premise is very interesting, and I am interested in how you'll explore it.
9/20/2008 c3 la bonne annee
For Review Game:
I thought the plot was interesting, and had a nice playful tone. I'm sure most stories dealing with the end of the earth wouldn't be so fun and carefree, so it was nice to read something that wasn't a downer.
I also thought it was well constructed-i.e. having multiple characters as focal points, and switching between them easily. I like that we aren't stuck with just one character, but there are multiple differnt personalites to be interested in. I think you could differentiate between the charaters a bit more, mainly because the dialouge is so similar, it seems pretty interchangable with everyone.
The playful tone has its pros and cons. Like I mentioned earlier, it worked well in so far as it kept things light in the face of a pretty depressing plot (and I think this is very much the style of 3 Moons...), however it also made the dialouge read as a bit too sit-comy. I know that's what you're going for, and it works at times, but I think you went a bit wild with the over-the-top ridculousness, and at times I felt like I could hear the laugh track in the background. So, I think you would benefit from a better balance of crazy and realism in the way your characters talk.
You also had a few spelling/grammar problems. Mostly it was misspelling simple words that I still knew what you were saying, but it can detract from the story at times. This one is my favorite: "I musty find him." Lol.
Overall I enjoyed this, and found it fun to read!
For Review Game:
I thought the plot was interesting, and had a nice playful tone. I'm sure most stories dealing with the end of the earth wouldn't be so fun and carefree, so it was nice to read something that wasn't a downer.
I also thought it was well constructed-i.e. having multiple characters as focal points, and switching between them easily. I like that we aren't stuck with just one character, but there are multiple differnt personalites to be interested in. I think you could differentiate between the charaters a bit more, mainly because the dialouge is so similar, it seems pretty interchangable with everyone.
The playful tone has its pros and cons. Like I mentioned earlier, it worked well in so far as it kept things light in the face of a pretty depressing plot (and I think this is very much the style of 3 Moons...), however it also made the dialouge read as a bit too sit-comy. I know that's what you're going for, and it works at times, but I think you went a bit wild with the over-the-top ridculousness, and at times I felt like I could hear the laugh track in the background. So, I think you would benefit from a better balance of crazy and realism in the way your characters talk.
You also had a few spelling/grammar problems. Mostly it was misspelling simple words that I still knew what you were saying, but it can detract from the story at times. This one is my favorite: "I musty find him." Lol.
Overall I enjoyed this, and found it fun to read!
9/20/2008 c5 Equilibrium
"And by dream team, of course you mean yourself and probably your pet hamster." - That was incredible. It made me snort coffee onto my keyboard.
Nice. I enjoy how you start most of your chapters with a description of different days of the week - it's very unique and interesting. You also have this incredible ability to write dialogue, which I totally envy. However, I found the amount of it in this chapter kind of imposing. I also found the transition: "...Mrs. Levy had a habit of dropping the “t” from some words and had zero tolerance for side chatter. The day continued with pain after pain from hard-ass teachers that made Mr. James seem like a wet noodle" rather abrupt. Maybe it would've been better if you left out the description of Mrs. Levy altogether?
In total, great job. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
"And by dream team, of course you mean yourself and probably your pet hamster." - That was incredible. It made me snort coffee onto my keyboard.
Nice. I enjoy how you start most of your chapters with a description of different days of the week - it's very unique and interesting. You also have this incredible ability to write dialogue, which I totally envy. However, I found the amount of it in this chapter kind of imposing. I also found the transition: "...Mrs. Levy had a habit of dropping the “t” from some words and had zero tolerance for side chatter. The day continued with pain after pain from hard-ass teachers that made Mr. James seem like a wet noodle" rather abrupt. Maybe it would've been better if you left out the description of Mrs. Levy altogether?
In total, great job. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
9/20/2008 c15 9Dot Cubed
RICHARD! Okay, so Richard's appearance was definitely the best part of this chapter. I just love the guy so much. Plus, Gary was only in this for like two lines, so yeah, my Gary love just had to transfer over to Richard. I love the part where he was telling Michael/Ross/the Devil about the football game. Richard cracks me up SO MUCH.
So yeah, this was another absolutely amazing chapter! Especially because we FINALLY got to see who Colonel Mustard was. You have no idea how pumped up I was when Ross/Michael/the Devil found that picture cause I was just like, BAM, it's got to be him. AND IT WAS. I love how he's all behind-the-scenes manipulating awesome man. Seriously, I can't wait to see him in person. And I also really loved your description of him.
Haha, the beginning with Drake and Chuck was just comedy GOLD. I loved the part where Drake had to blow his nose on his hand because Chuck took his napkin away! Just awesome. And I also really love the subtle love triangle-poor Jamie, I feel bad for her.
Also, I don't really like Talsteed. At all. Allison should've just kicked him, or something.
Oh! Another thing. I love Ashley and her lesbian denials. It's just awesome.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
9Dot CubedRICHARD! Okay, so Richard's appearance was definitely the best part of this chapter. I just love the guy so much. Plus, Gary was only in this for like two lines, so yeah, my Gary love just had to transfer over to Richard. I love the part where he was telling Michael/Ross/the Devil about the football game. Richard cracks me up SO MUCH.
So yeah, this was another absolutely amazing chapter! Especially because we FINALLY got to see who Colonel Mustard was. You have no idea how pumped up I was when Ross/Michael/the Devil found that picture cause I was just like, BAM, it's got to be him. AND IT WAS. I love how he's all behind-the-scenes manipulating awesome man. Seriously, I can't wait to see him in person. And I also really loved your description of him.
Haha, the beginning with Drake and Chuck was just comedy GOLD. I loved the part where Drake had to blow his nose on his hand because Chuck took his napkin away! Just awesome. And I also really love the subtle love triangle-poor Jamie, I feel bad for her.
Also, I don't really like Talsteed. At all. Allison should've just kicked him, or something.
Oh! Another thing. I love Ashley and her lesbian denials. It's just awesome.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
9/8/2008 c4 5groovi-gal-numba1
this keeps getting better doesn't it?
haha!
ok now feedback:
with your dialouge, i think you need to add in more descriptions inbetween. like right at the beginning for example:
“You're going to be late for school,” Chuck mentioned as he passed by Miles’ room. “Allison is already waiting for you outside. She won't come in. Why won't she come in?”
You should write that he paused and look at miles for a moment, expecting him to explain before he said "why won't she come in?" or something. you know what i mean? stuff like that could really add to your writing.
Your writing style is easy to read - but i'd like to see more descriptive, advanced sentances. That too would really add to your writing and make the story more interesting.
the plot is still great though.
overall another good chapter :D
xoxox groovi
5groovi-gal-numba1this keeps getting better doesn't it?
haha!
ok now feedback:
with your dialouge, i think you need to add in more descriptions inbetween. like right at the beginning for example:
“You're going to be late for school,” Chuck mentioned as he passed by Miles’ room. “Allison is already waiting for you outside. She won't come in. Why won't she come in?”
You should write that he paused and look at miles for a moment, expecting him to explain before he said "why won't she come in?" or something. you know what i mean? stuff like that could really add to your writing.
Your writing style is easy to read - but i'd like to see more descriptive, advanced sentances. That too would really add to your writing and make the story more interesting.
the plot is still great though.
overall another good chapter :D
xoxox groovi
9/3/2008 c4 Equilibrium
Hm. I enjoyed this chapter, but for some reason not as much as the first three (can't put my finger on it though). The dialogue is very humorous - especially the whole lesbian conversation - and I liked the immense irony of the fact that the man Allison ran down might actually have a solution to the polar shift. One thing I noticed was how the first two sentences didn't exactly flow well. The transition was a little abrupt. But that's all, and other than that, it was a great read.
Hm. I enjoyed this chapter, but for some reason not as much as the first three (can't put my finger on it though). The dialogue is very humorous - especially the whole lesbian conversation - and I liked the immense irony of the fact that the man Allison ran down might actually have a solution to the polar shift. One thing I noticed was how the first two sentences didn't exactly flow well. The transition was a little abrupt. But that's all, and other than that, it was a great read.
8/30/2008 c3 Equilibrium
Nice chapter, as usual. I really liked the way you depicted poor Dr. Sarkassian, it made me smile.
One mistake: 'Slowly but surely, a handful of orderlies stood up and followed Allison to the parking lot.”' There's an extra inverted comma sign at the end of that sentence. Apart from that, it's all great.
I look forward to reading the next!
Nice chapter, as usual. I really liked the way you depicted poor Dr. Sarkassian, it made me smile.
One mistake: 'Slowly but surely, a handful of orderlies stood up and followed Allison to the parking lot.”' There's an extra inverted comma sign at the end of that sentence. Apart from that, it's all great.
I look forward to reading the next!
8/25/2008 c3 5Midori Ushi Law
Before I review this chapter, allow me to post this:
“I'm sure she's fine.”
“Guys,” Jamie popped in. “I didn't think it was important before, but I found a postcard from an Andrea Westin in the driveway. Is that important?”
“Yeah. She's a blonde.”
LOL That's what this chapter is... A boatload of funny jokes and a thickening plot. Good work. That show that was cancelled has inspired you very well. Once again, nothing bad to say about this.
5Midori Ushi LawBefore I review this chapter, allow me to post this:
“I'm sure she's fine.”
“Guys,” Jamie popped in. “I didn't think it was important before, but I found a postcard from an Andrea Westin in the driveway. Is that important?”
“Yeah. She's a blonde.”
LOL That's what this chapter is... A boatload of funny jokes and a thickening plot. Good work. That show that was cancelled has inspired you very well. Once again, nothing bad to say about this.
8/25/2008 c2 Midori Ushi Law
This story is way too good. Too bad for Miles... Lol Lesbian... I do have a possible error to point out. Right befor Miles went to Ashley's table, there's a sentence that said Jamie went over to Ashley's table... Is that an error or is that another name for Miles?
I like Allison. She has an interesting personality...
This story is way too good. Too bad for Miles... Lol Lesbian... I do have a possible error to point out. Right befor Miles went to Ashley's table, there's a sentence that said Jamie went over to Ashley's table... Is that an error or is that another name for Miles?
I like Allison. She has an interesting personality...
8/25/2008 c1 Midori Ushi Law
OMG Very Well Written chapter. Everything flowed Nicely. Not many errors at all. I like it. It'll be interesting to see what happens in the next couple of chapters I review. No negatives here.
OMG Very Well Written chapter. Everything flowed Nicely. Not many errors at all. I like it. It'll be interesting to see what happens in the next couple of chapters I review. No negatives here.
8/25/2008 c14 9Dot Cubed
So this chapter was really depressing when you think about it. Nobody's happy! Gary has to sleep on a couch and can't go back to school, Steve has to testify for CATS when all he wants to do is go home, Chuck and Jamie are on the outs, and Drake and Jamie just got kicked out of the hospital! Really, it's kind of depressing. I think the only person who had a good time this chapter was Miles, and that was because he was hardly in it. Actually, maybe Meredith did. She did beat Steve, after all.
So Gary is still totally my favorite character. I feel so bad for him, though! His excitement at getting to go to school was cute, and I laughed when he did the "puppy dog eyes" and Miles was just like, "I want to punch you, go away". Except things aren't looking up for him at all, which makes me sad. Oh, okay, for two seconds I totally thought that Robert Talsteed was going to be Colonel Mustard, and you can imagine my disappointment when it didn't happen and then he kicked Drake and Jamie out! Argh, I don't like Talsteed.
Again, you really don't need to ask if I enjoyed this. I was depressed cause the chapter was kinda sad for our poor starring cast, but I really did like it! Things can't all be happy bunnies and sunshine, after all.
One thing I didn't like was the detailed fight scene between Kilik and Xianghua. It sort of felt really unnecessary, and way too long. You could have just said "despite his best efforts," Steven lost, or something. I just felt that scene didn't really add anything to the plot at all. It could've been taken out and I would have been fine with it.
And yeah, I absolutely love your dialogue! It's as sharp and witty as ever. Best part was totally with Steven and Meredith, haha. "I'll show you my ankles!" Comic gold.
I noticed a few spelling/grammar things: "straight an narrow" should be "straight and narrow".
"beginning to jarring" -beginning to be jarring
"thank" -should be "than"
9Dot CubedSo this chapter was really depressing when you think about it. Nobody's happy! Gary has to sleep on a couch and can't go back to school, Steve has to testify for CATS when all he wants to do is go home, Chuck and Jamie are on the outs, and Drake and Jamie just got kicked out of the hospital! Really, it's kind of depressing. I think the only person who had a good time this chapter was Miles, and that was because he was hardly in it. Actually, maybe Meredith did. She did beat Steve, after all.
So Gary is still totally my favorite character. I feel so bad for him, though! His excitement at getting to go to school was cute, and I laughed when he did the "puppy dog eyes" and Miles was just like, "I want to punch you, go away". Except things aren't looking up for him at all, which makes me sad. Oh, okay, for two seconds I totally thought that Robert Talsteed was going to be Colonel Mustard, and you can imagine my disappointment when it didn't happen and then he kicked Drake and Jamie out! Argh, I don't like Talsteed.
Again, you really don't need to ask if I enjoyed this. I was depressed cause the chapter was kinda sad for our poor starring cast, but I really did like it! Things can't all be happy bunnies and sunshine, after all.
One thing I didn't like was the detailed fight scene between Kilik and Xianghua. It sort of felt really unnecessary, and way too long. You could have just said "despite his best efforts," Steven lost, or something. I just felt that scene didn't really add anything to the plot at all. It could've been taken out and I would have been fine with it.
And yeah, I absolutely love your dialogue! It's as sharp and witty as ever. Best part was totally with Steven and Meredith, haha. "I'll show you my ankles!" Comic gold.
I noticed a few spelling/grammar things: "straight an narrow" should be "straight and narrow".
"beginning to jarring" -beginning to be jarring
"thank" -should be "than"