for Polar Shift8/24/2008 c3 Counting Petals
The ridiculousness in this story is awesome. I just love how topsy turvy things are now that it's the end of the world, because I'm sure it probably wouldn't be this funny in real life.
My favorite was when Drake said, "I have his signature on a napkin to prove it." What's more official than a napkin?
The ridiculousness in this story is awesome. I just love how topsy turvy things are now that it's the end of the world, because I'm sure it probably wouldn't be this funny in real life.
My favorite was when Drake said, "I have his signature on a napkin to prove it." What's more official than a napkin?
8/24/2008 c2 Counting Petals
Review Game!
"Maybe at least she'll catch the last class of the day and actually learn something." - There was another sentence like this a couple paragraphs down that bothered me, too, because you switched into present tense, which didn't make much sense.
I do like reading this so far, though, because it's really funny.
I couldn't really see anything that needed to be commented on, so I guess I'll leave it at that for now.
Review Game!
"Maybe at least she'll catch the last class of the day and actually learn something." - There was another sentence like this a couple paragraphs down that bothered me, too, because you switched into present tense, which didn't make much sense.
I do like reading this so far, though, because it's really funny.
I couldn't really see anything that needed to be commented on, so I guess I'll leave it at that for now.
8/19/2008 c4 
2dragonflydreamer
Review Game!
"Nothing ever happened over the weekend in a town of such a little population and even the polar shift wouldn't change that." I really loved this line. I live in a town just like Hyde Park, so I found it wuite truthful and funny. In fact, I'm finding myself laughing at a lot of little things you threw in here. I love how you can write a story about the end of the world and still make it this hilarious :D
I'm beginning to get used to your scene transitions. Although they are still slightly confusing, the way they sort of blend together reminds me of a TV show, which fits this story well.
2dragonflydreamerReview Game!
"Nothing ever happened over the weekend in a town of such a little population and even the polar shift wouldn't change that." I really loved this line. I live in a town just like Hyde Park, so I found it wuite truthful and funny. In fact, I'm finding myself laughing at a lot of little things you threw in here. I love how you can write a story about the end of the world and still make it this hilarious :D
I'm beginning to get used to your scene transitions. Although they are still slightly confusing, the way they sort of blend together reminds me of a TV show, which fits this story well.
8/18/2008 c1 2Morohtar
This is an intriguing story, which a cool premise. I really like the foundational idea - disasters of Biblical proportions coming onto the world! And I think that the way you have got the protagonists being young children is a cool idea.
I really do like the narrative framing in the story; it is very well done indeed and really makes me want to read on. You convey the information in an interesting and accessible way, and always without overloading us with dull information.
The one thing which I think doesn't work is the dialog and characterization; the dialog seems stilted, and a little unnatural. There's a formality there which I don't think works and jars with the narrative structure - taking a look at the dialog would improve this story a great deal.
But, it's a reall good tale - and I enjoy it!
2MorohtarThis is an intriguing story, which a cool premise. I really like the foundational idea - disasters of Biblical proportions coming onto the world! And I think that the way you have got the protagonists being young children is a cool idea.
I really do like the narrative framing in the story; it is very well done indeed and really makes me want to read on. You convey the information in an interesting and accessible way, and always without overloading us with dull information.
The one thing which I think doesn't work is the dialog and characterization; the dialog seems stilted, and a little unnatural. There's a formality there which I don't think works and jars with the narrative structure - taking a look at the dialog would improve this story a great deal.
But, it's a reall good tale - and I enjoy it!
8/18/2008 c3 2dragonflydreamer
Review Game!
Have I mentioned that I adore your characters to pieces yet? Because I do. Each one of them is quirky, individual, and entertaining, even the minor ones. They liven up the story and make it a great read.
There were a few times that you had some dialogue without tags. It could just be because it's 3:30 in the morning here, but I got confused and lost track of who was speaking.
This is coming along wonderfully, and I'm definitaly adding it to my favorites list :)
2dragonflydreamerReview Game!
Have I mentioned that I adore your characters to pieces yet? Because I do. Each one of them is quirky, individual, and entertaining, even the minor ones. They liven up the story and make it a great read.
There were a few times that you had some dialogue without tags. It could just be because it's 3:30 in the morning here, but I got confused and lost track of who was speaking.
This is coming along wonderfully, and I'm definitaly adding it to my favorites list :)
8/16/2008 c1 1Narc
I think this a good satire piece. I think it's pretty funny how little all of these people really care about this huge global crisis.
There needs to be some line breaks between the two different scenes, otherwise it gets confusing. I know that if you transfer it from word the line breaks don't make it. You usually have to add them manually in document edit.
There were some tense inconsistencies. 'The school day ends, but Allison was unsuccessful'. Should be 'the school day ended'.
Review Game!
1NarcI think this a good satire piece. I think it's pretty funny how little all of these people really care about this huge global crisis.
There needs to be some line breaks between the two different scenes, otherwise it gets confusing. I know that if you transfer it from word the line breaks don't make it. You usually have to add them manually in document edit.
There were some tense inconsistencies. 'The school day ends, but Allison was unsuccessful'. Should be 'the school day ended'.
Review Game!
8/16/2008 c13 9Dot Cubed
Okay, so you already know how much I absolutely adore every single one of your characters. Gary is still totally my favorite, though. I love him! The poor guy gets kicked out of his house and then has to go live at the station, and then when he finally gets a new place, Donna comes back! Haha, okay, the whole scene where he comes out of the room guns blazing was totally the best part of this chapter. And Drake! I love Drake. And I really love the love triangle. Hee.
I actually didn't notice a lot of spelling and grammar stuff this chapter; only two things. You said "find" once in Jamie's rant when it should have been "fine," and there was also a moment when you wrote "Chuck stared it off," when it should have been "started". Minor things.
The dialogue was also top notch. I absolutely adore how humorous you make this story! Haha, best line of the night was Gary going "I only had that room for two hours!"
There was just one thing that was sort of off to me. When Miles suggests that Gary come live with them, you write that Allison slammed on the brakes. Weren't they going like 60 miles an hour? They probably would've been knocked out by slamming their heads into the steering wheel (Allison) and glove compartment (Miles).
You really don't need to ask if I enjoyed this, haha. I actually think this chapter was one of your better ones. There wasn't like a million things going on at once. Although I am disappointed that we only got a Colonel Mustard reference! When's the guy actually gonna show up, huh? When he does he may take over my love for Gary, just because I've built him up in my head so much.
9Dot CubedOkay, so you already know how much I absolutely adore every single one of your characters. Gary is still totally my favorite, though. I love him! The poor guy gets kicked out of his house and then has to go live at the station, and then when he finally gets a new place, Donna comes back! Haha, okay, the whole scene where he comes out of the room guns blazing was totally the best part of this chapter. And Drake! I love Drake. And I really love the love triangle. Hee.
I actually didn't notice a lot of spelling and grammar stuff this chapter; only two things. You said "find" once in Jamie's rant when it should have been "fine," and there was also a moment when you wrote "Chuck stared it off," when it should have been "started". Minor things.
The dialogue was also top notch. I absolutely adore how humorous you make this story! Haha, best line of the night was Gary going "I only had that room for two hours!"
There was just one thing that was sort of off to me. When Miles suggests that Gary come live with them, you write that Allison slammed on the brakes. Weren't they going like 60 miles an hour? They probably would've been knocked out by slamming their heads into the steering wheel (Allison) and glove compartment (Miles).
You really don't need to ask if I enjoyed this, haha. I actually think this chapter was one of your better ones. There wasn't like a million things going on at once. Although I am disappointed that we only got a Colonel Mustard reference! When's the guy actually gonna show up, huh? When he does he may take over my love for Gary, just because I've built him up in my head so much.
8/14/2008 c3 5groovi-gal-numba1
Good work! i really enjoyed this chapter!
one thing i will say though, is that it all semed kinda rushed. Its ok to have long chapters, so you need to let things slow down a bit, yeah?
The dialouge was good. better than the last chapter anyway. it seemed a bit more realistic - but i still think you have to work on that a bit.
For your characters, you know i like them, but that said, i want you to delve into them more. really get right down to the psychological truth of the character. It wil really help your writing.
Did i enjoy it? Duh. I always enjoy your stories! Drama, laughs and Polar shifts, all combined into one thrilling adventure. me likey!
xoxox groovi
5groovi-gal-numba1Good work! i really enjoyed this chapter!
one thing i will say though, is that it all semed kinda rushed. Its ok to have long chapters, so you need to let things slow down a bit, yeah?
The dialouge was good. better than the last chapter anyway. it seemed a bit more realistic - but i still think you have to work on that a bit.
For your characters, you know i like them, but that said, i want you to delve into them more. really get right down to the psychological truth of the character. It wil really help your writing.
Did i enjoy it? Duh. I always enjoy your stories! Drama, laughs and Polar shifts, all combined into one thrilling adventure. me likey!
xoxox groovi
8/13/2008 c1 7Happy Pappy
I really like how you're blending a very dramatic storyline with a choice amount of comedy. It really eases the tension. The part where Dennis went up to the podium and asked about Denny's serving breakfast was great followed by Allison's relization that 'hot guy' is a butch girl.
I think the plot is very original and intersting and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Great job.
7Happy PappyI really like how you're blending a very dramatic storyline with a choice amount of comedy. It really eases the tension. The part where Dennis went up to the podium and asked about Denny's serving breakfast was great followed by Allison's relization that 'hot guy' is a butch girl.
I think the plot is very original and intersting and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Great job.
8/13/2008 c13 5ickleamylkins
Great chapter Dimitri! Can't wait to see what happens next! Post more soon!
5ickleamylkinsGreat chapter Dimitri! Can't wait to see what happens next! Post more soon!
8/13/2008 c2 2dragonflydreamer
Review Game!
Very nice chapter. I particularly liked the dialogue. You covered most of the basics: it sounds natural, each character has a distinct way of speaking, and it tells a lot about the characters.
Again, I'd suggest more of a division between the different sections. Also, the sections jump around a bit too much for my taste. Because you put so many in one chapter, they all came out pretty short. This could just be me, but I'd suggest fewer, longer sections.
Typos:
Post-in - Post-it?
I don't care you skip today - if you
Anyways, since you're - anyway
We ahead of you. - way
The Westin's already own - no apostrophe
Jamie stood up and walk over to the table that Ashley was sitting at.” - I think you meant Miles, not Jamie, and no quotation marks at the end
No only is he still alive - not
committing suicide anyways - anyway
2dragonflydreamerReview Game!
Very nice chapter. I particularly liked the dialogue. You covered most of the basics: it sounds natural, each character has a distinct way of speaking, and it tells a lot about the characters.
Again, I'd suggest more of a division between the different sections. Also, the sections jump around a bit too much for my taste. Because you put so many in one chapter, they all came out pretty short. This could just be me, but I'd suggest fewer, longer sections.
Typos:
Post-in - Post-it?
I don't care you skip today - if you
Anyways, since you're - anyway
We ahead of you. - way
The Westin's already own - no apostrophe
Jamie stood up and walk over to the table that Ashley was sitting at.” - I think you meant Miles, not Jamie, and no quotation marks at the end
No only is he still alive - not
committing suicide anyways - anyway
8/12/2008 c1 13Nicki BluIs
Review Game:
I don't like how you cut back and forth from Miles to Chuck. It ruined the flow. Maybe you could've double spaced in between or something.
I also didn't like the large chunk of info in the beginning. I can't comment about its relevance since I only read the first chap. But I can say it's alot to digest. I have a feeling its just your writing style.You did the same thing in "Jose" but that was a one shot so it was ok. You did with "Starting over" but hid in Shelley's convo with the cab driver, so it was clever.
I will however continue reading becuase you have by far the most original, most awesome, most fabulous way of bringing about the end of life as we know it!
Nicki BluIs
PS - I hope Paraguay survives. LOL
13Nicki BluIsReview Game:
I don't like how you cut back and forth from Miles to Chuck. It ruined the flow. Maybe you could've double spaced in between or something.
I also didn't like the large chunk of info in the beginning. I can't comment about its relevance since I only read the first chap. But I can say it's alot to digest. I have a feeling its just your writing style.You did the same thing in "Jose" but that was a one shot so it was ok. You did with "Starting over" but hid in Shelley's convo with the cab driver, so it was clever.
I will however continue reading becuase you have by far the most original, most awesome, most fabulous way of bringing about the end of life as we know it!
Nicki BluIs
PS - I hope Paraguay survives. LOL
8/10/2008 c1 1Keshuoo
Great flow of dialogue. I also liked the intro, it was plain but it still made me want to read on. However, I noted a mistake:
"The Westin have lived in Hyde’s Park every since it was established back in 1861"
I think you mean ever. And, I think it would be "Westins".
"Still, he’d rather be a school than at home with his ever-complaining mother."
AT school
I didn't spot anything else besides that. The ending made me laugh. Overall, I liked your story.
1KeshuooGreat flow of dialogue. I also liked the intro, it was plain but it still made me want to read on. However, I noted a mistake:
"The Westin have lived in Hyde’s Park every since it was established back in 1861"
I think you mean ever. And, I think it would be "Westins".
"Still, he’d rather be a school than at home with his ever-complaining mother."
AT school
I didn't spot anything else besides that. The ending made me laugh. Overall, I liked your story.
8/9/2008 c1 2dragonflydreamer
Freebie review!
I love your story so far! Your characters are well-developed for the first chapter and your narration style is interesting. I think my favorite part so far is the dialogue. It's very realistic and each character has their own distinct way of speaking.
This is a very minor thing, but I wish you put a divide between Chuck and Miles's stories. It took me a while sometimes to realize that it had changed. It would just be a lot easier to read with them.
Some typos:
"even stupider" - more stupid
"The Westin have lived" - Westins
"the two have known each other" - had, not have
"Put on a put of coffee" - pot
"Chances are you" - your
2dragonflydreamerFreebie review!
I love your story so far! Your characters are well-developed for the first chapter and your narration style is interesting. I think my favorite part so far is the dialogue. It's very realistic and each character has their own distinct way of speaking.
This is a very minor thing, but I wish you put a divide between Chuck and Miles's stories. It took me a while sometimes to realize that it had changed. It would just be a lot easier to read with them.
Some typos:
"even stupider" - more stupid
"The Westin have lived" - Westins
"the two have known each other" - had, not have
"Put on a put of coffee" - pot
"Chances are you" - your