for Polar Shift8/8/2008 c12 
9Dot Cubed
And there's Mrs. White! Hee. Although, I don't understand how Miles knew who she was at the end of the chapter. Wouldn't he just think she was a regular lawyer? Well he probably knows she's working for CATS, but why make the jump to Mrs. Wite? Hmm.
Anyway, loved this chapter. Poor Drake, though. The scene with him and Jamie in the hospital was pretty much the best part of this chapter. And I kind of love them together, which is bad because Jamie has a fiance! Oh hospital love. haha
Gary still makes my life, haha. And it's interesting to see Ashley's feelings for Miles develop...the Devil's totally gonna use that against her. Just out of curiosity, how many chapters do you think are left in this?
Just a few grammar things I noticed. You said "stroke" when I'm pretty sure you meant "struck," and "trail" a few times when it should be "trial". All minor things.
9Dot CubedAnd there's Mrs. White! Hee. Although, I don't understand how Miles knew who she was at the end of the chapter. Wouldn't he just think she was a regular lawyer? Well he probably knows she's working for CATS, but why make the jump to Mrs. Wite? Hmm.
Anyway, loved this chapter. Poor Drake, though. The scene with him and Jamie in the hospital was pretty much the best part of this chapter. And I kind of love them together, which is bad because Jamie has a fiance! Oh hospital love. haha
Gary still makes my life, haha. And it's interesting to see Ashley's feelings for Miles develop...the Devil's totally gonna use that against her. Just out of curiosity, how many chapters do you think are left in this?
Just a few grammar things I noticed. You said "stroke" when I'm pretty sure you meant "struck," and "trail" a few times when it should be "trial". All minor things.
8/7/2008 c3 4PhantomBialystock
I really enjoyed the dialogue in this! It was sharp and witty, giving it a nice edge. Sometimes dialogue can really water down a story, but even though you had a lot of dialogue, it didn't affect it too much. It was enjoyable to hear what the characters had to say. My favorite line has to be this, though:
“I'm usually a sadistic bastard, but only to the students."
lol!
The only constructive thing I have to say about this chapter is that it seemed all mushed together. All the different plots seemed to blur together, making it hard to follow. For example, when you went from the doctor (who by the way was an amusing character) to the school office where they're decided how to deal with all the drop-outs, it got a bit confusing at first. Maybe when you go from one scene to the next, you can put a straight line or a line of a bunch of random letters in the middle to make your story flow nicer. Or you could make separate chapters, but it's up to you.
4PhantomBialystockI really enjoyed the dialogue in this! It was sharp and witty, giving it a nice edge. Sometimes dialogue can really water down a story, but even though you had a lot of dialogue, it didn't affect it too much. It was enjoyable to hear what the characters had to say. My favorite line has to be this, though:
“I'm usually a sadistic bastard, but only to the students."
lol!
The only constructive thing I have to say about this chapter is that it seemed all mushed together. All the different plots seemed to blur together, making it hard to follow. For example, when you went from the doctor (who by the way was an amusing character) to the school office where they're decided how to deal with all the drop-outs, it got a bit confusing at first. Maybe when you go from one scene to the next, you can put a straight line or a line of a bunch of random letters in the middle to make your story flow nicer. Or you could make separate chapters, but it's up to you.
8/5/2008 c11 9Dot Cubed
RICHARD! I love Richard. Like, so so much. My Richard love is slightly ridiculous, honestly. Haha, the best part was where he was yelling at Drake to put some pants on. Actually that entire scene with Richard was awesome. He needs to be in EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER from now on, mmkay? Just have him show up randomly.
I am quite disappointed that Gary only showed up in the last few sentences of this chapter, because I love Gary to a ridiculous degree. Maybe even more than I love Richard. Actually, probably more than I love Richard.
You can't kill LSL! Just so you know. I love how Miles has a plan. He's so badass.
Okay, so where's Colonel Mustard? And Ms. White? I was always Ms. White whenever we played Clue so she better show up at some point. And Colonel Mustard better show up too, because he's always been one of my faves.
Haha, Allison's Gilligan's Island theme song was so cute. I love how it made Miles happy, because the guy seriously deserves some happiness.
I don't want to know what Drake was trying to do with that cat. Not at all.
Can I just say I love this plot? Because I love this plot. It seems as though you've really thought everything out and yeah, it's just perfect.
9Dot CubedRICHARD! I love Richard. Like, so so much. My Richard love is slightly ridiculous, honestly. Haha, the best part was where he was yelling at Drake to put some pants on. Actually that entire scene with Richard was awesome. He needs to be in EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER from now on, mmkay? Just have him show up randomly.
I am quite disappointed that Gary only showed up in the last few sentences of this chapter, because I love Gary to a ridiculous degree. Maybe even more than I love Richard. Actually, probably more than I love Richard.
You can't kill LSL! Just so you know. I love how Miles has a plan. He's so badass.
Okay, so where's Colonel Mustard? And Ms. White? I was always Ms. White whenever we played Clue so she better show up at some point. And Colonel Mustard better show up too, because he's always been one of my faves.
Haha, Allison's Gilligan's Island theme song was so cute. I love how it made Miles happy, because the guy seriously deserves some happiness.
I don't want to know what Drake was trying to do with that cat. Not at all.
Can I just say I love this plot? Because I love this plot. It seems as though you've really thought everything out and yeah, it's just perfect.
8/5/2008 c1 Equilibrium
Okay, I know it's not my turn for the Review Game or anything, but I couldn't help but take a look at your story anyway (plus it's a personal habit of mine to return all reviews). And I'm really glad I did, because this is going straight into my Alert list. I love (and somewhat envy, I admit) the way you write dialogue, and the sprinkling of humour throughout this chapter really made me giggle. The coffee machine and Allison's "hot guy" in particular.
Great job! If I have the time, I'll try to move on to the next chapter.
Okay, I know it's not my turn for the Review Game or anything, but I couldn't help but take a look at your story anyway (plus it's a personal habit of mine to return all reviews). And I'm really glad I did, because this is going straight into my Alert list. I love (and somewhat envy, I admit) the way you write dialogue, and the sprinkling of humour throughout this chapter really made me giggle. The coffee machine and Allison's "hot guy" in particular.
Great job! If I have the time, I'll try to move on to the next chapter.
8/5/2008 c2 1artificial destiny
yay so im doing the second chapter now :)
again, your description using well, descriptions, but also dialogue made the characters very realistic and easy to follow.
wow. that part about the lesbian was totally.. random and caught me off guard. in a good way though
great writings. keep it up!
1artificial destinyyay so im doing the second chapter now :)
again, your description using well, descriptions, but also dialogue made the characters very realistic and easy to follow.
wow. that part about the lesbian was totally.. random and caught me off guard. in a good way though
great writings. keep it up!
8/4/2008 c1 artificial destiny
haha. it IS confusing ("The worst thing about the park is that it’s the most interesting place in all of Hyde’s Park")
nice dialogue! it flows well. its also realistic which helps.
"I musty find him." (not sure if thats a typo or jst how she wants to say it?)
hahahha this is funny xD
i love the ending
and its a light way to take on a usually heavy topic (conditions of the globe)
keep it up!
haha. it IS confusing ("The worst thing about the park is that it’s the most interesting place in all of Hyde’s Park")
nice dialogue! it flows well. its also realistic which helps.
"I musty find him." (not sure if thats a typo or jst how she wants to say it?)
hahahha this is funny xD
i love the ending
and its a light way to take on a usually heavy topic (conditions of the globe)
keep it up!
8/3/2008 c2 5groovi-gal-numba1
review game
some of the dialouge is beginning to irritate me.
eg:
“He was committing suicide anyways. What do you want me to do?”
“Take him to the hospital! I'll meet you there.”
its just unrealistic for the situation they are in. everybody is too relaxed, even though the world is like dying.
I'm just going to go ahead and warn you that I'm going to hold you monetarily responsible for any damages you do to my car. I don't care if you die either because I'll be right behind you in about a year.”
or in that line you should add in a pause or a small thought in Allison's head or something. otherwise the audience is just sorta like "um... ok?"
BUT all that said, the plot is getting more and more interesting! and you have me quite intruiged! there were some good developments in this chapter. (everyone loves developments xD)
keep up the good work!
xoxox groovi
5groovi-gal-numba1review game
some of the dialouge is beginning to irritate me.
eg:
“He was committing suicide anyways. What do you want me to do?”
“Take him to the hospital! I'll meet you there.”
its just unrealistic for the situation they are in. everybody is too relaxed, even though the world is like dying.
I'm just going to go ahead and warn you that I'm going to hold you monetarily responsible for any damages you do to my car. I don't care if you die either because I'll be right behind you in about a year.”
or in that line you should add in a pause or a small thought in Allison's head or something. otherwise the audience is just sorta like "um... ok?"
BUT all that said, the plot is getting more and more interesting! and you have me quite intruiged! there were some good developments in this chapter. (everyone loves developments xD)
keep up the good work!
xoxox groovi
8/1/2008 c1 2Caged Liger
i have only seen chp. 1 so far, but I am liking the story and concept. The dialogue is nice, and aside from just a few nitpicky spelling errors and grammatical changes, I think you are on the way to creating a great story!
2Caged Ligeri have only seen chp. 1 so far, but I am liking the story and concept. The dialogue is nice, and aside from just a few nitpicky spelling errors and grammatical changes, I think you are on the way to creating a great story!
7/29/2008 c4 3SapphirePrima
I just read chapters 1-4 and this a really great story. It makes me wish I would of watched "Three Moons Over Milford". My favorite thing about your story is Allison's and Miles' friendship, it's very realistic and they play off each other very well. The dialouge you have is very funny and witty too.
Only downside is an indication that you are changing scenes would be nice. Like extra spaces or a break.
3SapphirePrimaI just read chapters 1-4 and this a really great story. It makes me wish I would of watched "Three Moons Over Milford". My favorite thing about your story is Allison's and Miles' friendship, it's very realistic and they play off each other very well. The dialouge you have is very funny and witty too.
Only downside is an indication that you are changing scenes would be nice. Like extra spaces or a break.
7/29/2008 c2 defunct account 101521
Number two! I was even more tired for this one, so it's shorter and bitchier...I really wanted to sleep.
Style: Okay, I accepted this in Ch. 1, but now it's frustrating: scene breaks. You need them. Badly. Jumping from place to place, without like, a line, or SOMETHING, can get not only confusing for some readers, but incredibly irritating (in my case).
Enjoyment: The premise is good. I like the idea of seeing the world pre-ending, rather than post. It's just, the way you it is too... I don't think it would get that carefree. 911, the police chief, all of that, it far too senseless for my tastes. So it was good, but bothered me at the same time.
Spelling/Grammar: Uhm... 'WAY' ahead of you, not 'we'. In that same paragraph, Westin's doesn't need the apostrophe. A few para. in the future, 'when there ARE less options'.
Characters: Reaction A- WTF! Reaction B- there was more development here, but I still don't GET them. Especially with those random revelations some have had. They're all very, to the least, odd.
And done! ^.^
Era
Number two! I was even more tired for this one, so it's shorter and bitchier...I really wanted to sleep.
Style: Okay, I accepted this in Ch. 1, but now it's frustrating: scene breaks. You need them. Badly. Jumping from place to place, without like, a line, or SOMETHING, can get not only confusing for some readers, but incredibly irritating (in my case).
Enjoyment: The premise is good. I like the idea of seeing the world pre-ending, rather than post. It's just, the way you it is too... I don't think it would get that carefree. 911, the police chief, all of that, it far too senseless for my tastes. So it was good, but bothered me at the same time.
Spelling/Grammar: Uhm... 'WAY' ahead of you, not 'we'. In that same paragraph, Westin's doesn't need the apostrophe. A few para. in the future, 'when there ARE less options'.
Characters: Reaction A- WTF! Reaction B- there was more development here, but I still don't GET them. Especially with those random revelations some have had. They're all very, to the least, odd.
And done! ^.^
Era
7/29/2008 c1 defunct account 101521
As promised! (I was tired when I wrote them though, so I'm sorry if you think they're a bit less nice than I normally am...)
Spelling/Grammar: Is 'stupider' a word? It is according to my word processor, but not my actual dictionary...I dunno, so I suggest checking that out. In the 2nd paragraph, Westin should be plural, or it should say the Westin family. In the 4th paragraph your semicolon should be after 16, not after 20-years-old. Uhm... Later on you forgot to give Chuck his opening quotation on "The temperatures. They're back to normal-"
Style: You need to be careful with this. You're sort of flipping back and forth between (I'm not actually sure what to consider it, so I'm going with this) tenses, I think. I noticed inthe first paragraph, and it really doesn't work. Here's what I mean:
'The city IS named' 'The decline MADE a lot'
'Is' means present, opposed to 'made' being past tense. Flipping just sounds like you aren't puttin gin as much effort as you should sometimes. Otherwise it's fine.
Characters: The ones we've seen are good starting points. However, they need a lot more development. You really aren't telling (or better yet, showing) us who they are, things we could connect to them through. Put more into letting the reader get inside the character's heads.
Dialogue: I'd say this is your strongest point. This is the area which makes you characters more separated and defined. They all have their own easily distinguished voices. ...Especially Allison.
One down, one to post!
Era
As promised! (I was tired when I wrote them though, so I'm sorry if you think they're a bit less nice than I normally am...)
Spelling/Grammar: Is 'stupider' a word? It is according to my word processor, but not my actual dictionary...I dunno, so I suggest checking that out. In the 2nd paragraph, Westin should be plural, or it should say the Westin family. In the 4th paragraph your semicolon should be after 16, not after 20-years-old. Uhm... Later on you forgot to give Chuck his opening quotation on "The temperatures. They're back to normal-"
Style: You need to be careful with this. You're sort of flipping back and forth between (I'm not actually sure what to consider it, so I'm going with this) tenses, I think. I noticed inthe first paragraph, and it really doesn't work. Here's what I mean:
'The city IS named' 'The decline MADE a lot'
'Is' means present, opposed to 'made' being past tense. Flipping just sounds like you aren't puttin gin as much effort as you should sometimes. Otherwise it's fine.
Characters: The ones we've seen are good starting points. However, they need a lot more development. You really aren't telling (or better yet, showing) us who they are, things we could connect to them through. Put more into letting the reader get inside the character's heads.
Dialogue: I'd say this is your strongest point. This is the area which makes you characters more separated and defined. They all have their own easily distinguished voices. ...Especially Allison.
One down, one to post!
Era
7/28/2008 c10 9Dot Cubed
Gary! I really, really, really love Gary. He has easily become my favorite character, especially with his line about shooting bullets into the vending machine but not actually doing it at all. I am not sure where all this Gary love is coming from, but it's there.
Another great chapter! I know I've mentioned this in like every single review, but I love your humor. It's just so amusing! And I pretty much love every single character, except for maybe Ross, and that's just because he's evil.
I think my only problem with this chapter was Meredith. She seemed way too flustered to be a CATS agent, what with her apologizing pretty much every few seconds. I was expecting someone a lot more cool and collected. After all, these people are behind the polar shift.
9Dot CubedGary! I really, really, really love Gary. He has easily become my favorite character, especially with his line about shooting bullets into the vending machine but not actually doing it at all. I am not sure where all this Gary love is coming from, but it's there.
Another great chapter! I know I've mentioned this in like every single review, but I love your humor. It's just so amusing! And I pretty much love every single character, except for maybe Ross, and that's just because he's evil.
I think my only problem with this chapter was Meredith. She seemed way too flustered to be a CATS agent, what with her apologizing pretty much every few seconds. I was expecting someone a lot more cool and collected. After all, these people are behind the polar shift.
7/27/2008 c2 123456DoesNotExist
Review Game!
Hmm... This chapter was... A little out there. But, I liked it a lot. It was funny and it made me laugh. Your humor's great.
A typo, about halfway through: "It's Wednesday. Where the Hell have you been?" I don't think Hell is supposed to be capitalized.
I liked it!
~Me
Review Game!
Hmm... This chapter was... A little out there. But, I liked it a lot. It was funny and it made me laugh. Your humor's great.
A typo, about halfway through: "It's Wednesday. Where the Hell have you been?" I don't think Hell is supposed to be capitalized.
I liked it!
~Me
7/25/2008 c9 Dot Cubed
So I don't know when Gary became my favorite character but he totally is! "I lost the key!" -hahahaha Gary I LOVE you. It's kind of ridiculous how fond I am of him now, considering I was sort of "meh" in the beginning. But I'm still waiting for the return of Richard!
Okay, so you have no idea how excited I was when I saw line breaks! They definitely make the story a lot easier to read because the transitions are a lot smoother. Now I don't have to readjust when the scene changes suddenly because the scene isn't changing suddenly anymore!
Anyway, totally loved this chapter. I know I've said this a million times, but I love the plot and how it subtly moves forward each chapter. And now we have the introduction of these CATS characters! Hahaha I love how they were all named after Clue, I laughed when Steve went "I talked to Mr. Boddy" XD
The only thing I'd suggest is maybe proofreading a bit better? I caught a few grammar mistakes that could be corrected easily.
So I don't know when Gary became my favorite character but he totally is! "I lost the key!" -hahahaha Gary I LOVE you. It's kind of ridiculous how fond I am of him now, considering I was sort of "meh" in the beginning. But I'm still waiting for the return of Richard!
Okay, so you have no idea how excited I was when I saw line breaks! They definitely make the story a lot easier to read because the transitions are a lot smoother. Now I don't have to readjust when the scene changes suddenly because the scene isn't changing suddenly anymore!
Anyway, totally loved this chapter. I know I've said this a million times, but I love the plot and how it subtly moves forward each chapter. And now we have the introduction of these CATS characters! Hahaha I love how they were all named after Clue, I laughed when Steve went "I talked to Mr. Boddy" XD
The only thing I'd suggest is maybe proofreading a bit better? I caught a few grammar mistakes that could be corrected easily.
7/24/2008 c8 Dot Cubed
Richard was totally my favorite part of this chapter. Haha, I loved his whole, "I can't drive and videotape at the same time, so here's some nirvana!" I hope he shows up again sometime, because he was really awesome.
Anyway, I really really love how you're developing the plot. You've obviously thought about this a lot and I can tell you know exactly where this story is going. And I love how all the characters connect! That's probably my favorite part. No one's an afterthought at all.
My only problem is that some translation of the Spanish would be nice. I was actually going to mention it last chapter, but I forgot. Anyway, even though it's probably not important to the plot at all, I'm curious to know what Mrs. Cortez and Tony are saying to each other! You don't need to translate it in the story, but maybe something in an author's note would do?
And since this is your most recent chapter, I'm going to ask that you maybe put line breaks for the next one? It'll make the story so much easier to read, seriously.
Richard was totally my favorite part of this chapter. Haha, I loved his whole, "I can't drive and videotape at the same time, so here's some nirvana!" I hope he shows up again sometime, because he was really awesome.
Anyway, I really really love how you're developing the plot. You've obviously thought about this a lot and I can tell you know exactly where this story is going. And I love how all the characters connect! That's probably my favorite part. No one's an afterthought at all.
My only problem is that some translation of the Spanish would be nice. I was actually going to mention it last chapter, but I forgot. Anyway, even though it's probably not important to the plot at all, I'm curious to know what Mrs. Cortez and Tony are saying to each other! You don't need to translate it in the story, but maybe something in an author's note would do?
And since this is your most recent chapter, I'm going to ask that you maybe put line breaks for the next one? It'll make the story so much easier to read, seriously.