7/23/2008 c7 9Dot Cubed
Another good chapter! I should probably stop being surprised by how much I like these, haha. I have to say, that ending was comedy gold! "It's all part of the therapy"-hahaha Miles is awesome. And yeah, so is your plot! It just keeps thickening! XD

I have to say, I didn't like the part with Chuck and Donna near the end. It seemed too forced and less natural than most of your humor is, especially because Chuck was supposed to be considered the mother. I don't know, something about that part was just off to me and I really think you don't need it. It just seems like humor for humor's sake.

7/23/2008 c5 Dot Cubed
LEISURE SUIT LARRY! I used to play that game all the time! When I was like five! Holy crap, that's my childhood! Haha okay, that reference was definitely the best part of this chapter, and in my defense, I didn't actually know what the point of LSL was. It was just fun watching him get peed on by a dog in front of the bar you always started at. Haha I actually wrote an essay on Larry for English last year. Okay, wow, this is totally all about me and not about the story, so I'm going to stop that here.

Anyway, absolutely love this chapter. Your characters are so refreshing! And okay, I really really love the cliffhanger at the end. You haven't used any of them before (at least I can't remember any from the last few chapters) so to place it here is genius, and it's such an evil cliffhanger, because Carmen Cortez has finally shown up! And it's a guy! hahaha

I think Gary was really my only problem with the chapter. I sort of expected Drake to walk all over him, considering the fact that Gary just got his job like a week ago. I thought Gary would be a lot more nervous and not so self assured.

7/22/2008 c1 Counting Petals
Review Game!

First of all, I love your characters. They're so realistic and funny; I kept cracking up reading this. I was able to relate to Allison really well, mostly the whole preoccupation with guys thing. (Case in point: my sister and I just wrapped up a long discussion on some British actor's hair. Oh, yes.)

I didn't really like the jumping back and forth, though, because it was a little confusing. Some of this could probably be remedied by combining some parts, or at least by inserting lines so we can tell whose POV it is.

You also kept switching tense, which was also confusing.

Good chapter, though!

7/21/2008 c2 Dot Cubed
I don't know, I just felt like this chapter seemed very...unrealistic to me and sort of out there. A high school kid becoming the new police chief? No one on the 911 lines? I can understand a massive amount of people dropping out of school, but when you consider the fact that they still have almost a year to prepare for doom, the fact that everybody's going crazy now just seems way too bizarre for me. Obviously the plot's not meant to mirror real life at all, but it just doesn't seem believable at this point in time, and in order to grip the reader you want to create a situation they can get invested in, you know?

But besides that, I loved the humor! Your dialogue is so snappy and witty at times. Favorite moments: Dennis describing what Jamie was going to do to Chuck, Ashley's whole "I'm a lesbian!" revelation (that was a particularly hilarious moment) and basically anything Allison said.

As a final note, and I know I mentioned this earlier, but just for future chapters: it's be a lot easier to read if there was some separation between the different scenes, like a line break or something.

7/16/2008 c2 4PhantomBialystock
The basis for your story seems very interesting. I like the idea of the whole Polar Shift end-of-the world thing, and I'm sure it could make a very exciting story if done right.

The only thing I worry about is your writing. It's somewhat bland, and not very exciting. There aren't enough strong verbs and adjectives that give a piece of writing an edge, and there is too much dialogue instead of description. After reading this, I barely know anything about the characters besides what they said. I don't know that much about how they think or what they would do in a situation. Adding more description would give your story more depth and interest readers more. If you want just a bunch of dialogue, you might want to consider turning this into a play.

If you just went through and revised some of this stuff, I'm sure you would have a good story. After all, the plot seems very good and could interest many readers! :D

7/15/2008 c1 5groovi-gal-numba1
well i wouldn't say that the opening caught me, or intruiged me or anything. the opening was rather plain, but at the same time, your style is quite easy to read, so it wasn't really a problem. Still, I'm a huge fan of gripping beginings, and gripping endings - and i wouldn't really call neither your begining nor your ending gripping. More, just easy - problem is, that just means that its a nice read. If you want it to be a GREAT read you may have to make a few changes there.

Your characters are fairly interesting. There were a few humorous parts of the story, which is always good haha. The plot sounds fairly interesting aswell.

But overall, it was a nice read. Not a great one. But i'm sure you can change that!

7/12/2008 c4 CandleQueen
Review Game!

1.) "As usual, Miles was having trouble getting out () bed and his mother wasn't..."

Insert "of."

2.) "Chuck mentioned as he passed by (Miles) room."

"Miles'" not "Miles."

3.) "...and I'll never get a ride to school on time.”"

"I'd" not "I'll."

4.) "...that they won't develop some kind of connection..."

"Will" not "won't."

5.) "...would be by today to discuss."

Add "it" at the end.

6.)"...was having a metamorphic effect of him?"

"On him" not "of him."

7.) "...at the third floor and approached the come guy's room."

"Coma guy's room." not "come guy's room."

8.) "Once my school reopens, I'm out of here?”"

It's supposed to be a period at the end, not a question mark.

9.) "...and Chuck was too preoccupied to preserving the Westin family name..."

"With" not "to."

10.) "It was the only time Miles () to retreat back into his comfort zone..."

Insert "had" there.

11.) "...you fully understand the gravitation those words hold..."

"Held" not "hold."

12.) "“A couple more second and some of that embarrassment..."

"Seconds" not "second."

13.) "...medication to those who need it or those employees who remember Allison's threat from the day before..."

"Needed" not "need," and "remembered" not "remember."

14.) "She had no idea who to expect."

"He" not "she."

15.) "I call a phone number the coma guy had in his wallet."

"Called" not "call."

16.) "I could be anyone."

"It" not "I."

Okay, so the woman who was supposed to replace Jamie in Chuck's life is the private investigator? Interesting. lol to Ashley hitting on Allison. Yay, the plot line is coming along. Finding a way to reverse the polar shift...but I'm kinda curious how they're going to find a solution when the coma guy is...well, in a coma. Okay, so you've caught my interest, and I really can't find anything to nag you on. Nice chapter.

-Ramen

7/11/2008 c3 CandleQueen
Review game!

1.) The lights at the entranceway flickered on and off for five second() before finally returning to normal.

"Seconds."

2.) "The hospital was full of workers, but they all appeared to be () break."

Insert "on."

3.) "...who (stall) hadn't noticed their arrival."

"Still," not "stall."

4.) "“(Your) the dean of medicine, right?”" Miles asked.

"You're," not "your," and I think "dean" should be capitalized.

5.) "“Just to quell(s) my fear and to just fast forward this argument..."

You don't need the "s" in "quells."

6.) "Miles will too() or else I'll kick him behind the knee."

Pretty sure you need a comma there...

7.) "Could you take him off our hand(), please?”"

"Hands," not "hand."

8.) "Guys() I need a stretcher for an injured man in the parking lot!”"

Insert a comma.

9.) "...a handful of orderlies stood up and followed Allison to the parking lot.”"

You don't need the quotation marks at the end.

10.) "“I lost the (home) key about five times in one month and my mom refused to keep giving..."

...I think "house key" and not "home key" would sound better. At least, I've never heard of a house key being referred to in that manor.

11.) "...on and off for the next hour,() each time seemed to last longer than the one before."

Add "and" or change the comma to a semicolon.

12.) "(I) leave the coma guy in the capable hands of Sarkassian.”"

"I'll," not "I."

14.) "I can call you if there is any changes.”"

"Are," not "is."

15.) "Drake replied. “I sense() it coming.”"

"Sensed," not "sense."

16.) "...could barely fill a classroom( ),which worked out well since Aaron James..."

You have an unnecessary space there.

17.) "“I'm usually a sadistic bastard, but only to the student()."

"Students," not "student."

18.) "I really do feel bad about this() but Superintendent..."

Insert a comma there.

19.)"Hannah is making small talk to distract (them.)"

It should be "him," not "them."

20.)Matthew() or he's pulling the plug on all the school() in the state.”

Insert a comma, and then add an "s" to schools.

21.)"“I couldn't help but overheard."

"Overhear," not "overheard."

22.) "All their clothes were unpack,..."

"Unpacked," not "unpack."

23.) "“Now is a() good a time as any,...”"

Add an "s" there.

24.) "“Oh() come on!” Miles whined."

Insert a comma there.

25.) "...while Allison held in a chuckled."

Held in a "chuckle," not a "chuckled."

26.) "I was done watching by brother make out with random girls..."

"My," not "by."

27.) "“I you just decided to pick up a hot blonde on the way here.”"

Delete "I" and change the period to a question mark.

28.) "“I left my man-whoring way at Hyde's Park High School."

"Ways," not "way."

29.) "“Guys,” Jamie popped in."

Change the period at the end to a comma.

30.) "I though were got rid of it, but it looks like mom has it now.”"

"We," not "were."

31.) "This will be done with in two days tops."

"Within," not "with in."

Okay, so I found the doctor's sixth sense intriguing. And I had a feeling that the mother had left earlier on. So far, I really am enjoying this story. It's not overly descriptive, but it draws me in because of the wit and humor of the characters. I'm not going to mention the grammar anymore, and I'm sure you'll be happy to know this. :P

Good job,

-Ramen