for Polar Shift7/11/2008 c1 
3Mouse Mitterand
Hey, good so far! You have a strong handle on format and style - your prose flows in a very clean and enjoyable manner to read. Watch out for tenses, as there were several problems with the present/perfect present/past tense throughout the entire first chapter, and also keep an eye on dialogue. Try reading it to yourself. In a lot of places, you're missing commas, or the dialogue is stinted, awkward, or the type of thing that I had a hard time believing someone would say. (For example, calling someone else a "sexy man" just seemed a little off to me. But hey, that could just be me.) Keep writing, and good luck!
3Mouse MitterandHey, good so far! You have a strong handle on format and style - your prose flows in a very clean and enjoyable manner to read. Watch out for tenses, as there were several problems with the present/perfect present/past tense throughout the entire first chapter, and also keep an eye on dialogue. Try reading it to yourself. In a lot of places, you're missing commas, or the dialogue is stinted, awkward, or the type of thing that I had a hard time believing someone would say. (For example, calling someone else a "sexy man" just seemed a little off to me. But hey, that could just be me.) Keep writing, and good luck!
7/11/2008 c2 CandleQueen
Review game!
Alrighty now...
1.) "Wensday. No one liked Wensday."
If you had the days of the week underwear like I did when I was little, then you'd know it's spelled WEDNESDAY! XD
2.) "Even if you had a time machine, you'd still have to travel that same amount of time (backward) to reach the weekend as you would going forward."
Say "backward" right there.
3.) "Reluctantly, Miles pulled himself (up) and managed to get dressed for school."
Is it supposed to be "up" right there?
4.)"Usually I'm waiting out ()(for) for almost half an hour."
Insert the word "here" and delete the "for."
5.) “I don't care()you skip today or not, but I have to get to school."
Insert "if."
6.) "She would have ripped your head off, pour() some hot sauce down it, staple() your head back onto your neck, (shake) it up, rip() it open again, and pour() the hot sauce (out to) burritos made out of your arms() which I forgot to mention she ripped off earlier.”"
Okay...this sentence starts off in the past tense, so the rest of it should be, too. (Poured, stapled, shook, ripped, and poured...)
Instead of "out to", say "on to," and add a coma between "arms" and "which."
7.) "“We can't be that early, (are) we?”"
Change "are" to "can."
8.) "...so they gave me the job becuase no one else really felt like doing it.”"
"Because," not "becuase."
9.) "“That doesn't mean I'm going to () lenient."
Insert "be."
10.) "Jamie was beautiful. She was a blond psychiatry major, but most people assume that she would benefit more from going to regular psychiatry sessions than learning about it in a classroom." I think it was kinda an awkward time to take note of her appearance/background. The guy just fell flat on his face, and the first thing we here is "Jamie was beautiful..."
...And you spelled "Wednesday" wrong again in the next sentence or two after that.
11.) “(We) ahead of you. The Westin's already own the house in Hyde's Park. We move into my mother() house for a while until I get back on my feet."
"Way," not "we," and say "mother's", not "mother".
12.) "...can be completed at a much faster pace when there (is) less options to choose from.”"
"Are," not "is."
13.) "What are you waiting for."
Question mark instead of a period.
14.) "After a deep breath, (Jamie) stood up and walk over to the table that Ashley was sitting at.”
You said "Jamie" when you meant to say "Miles."
15.)"I don't care if you die either becuase I'll be right behind you in about a year.”
You spelled "because" wrong again.
Okay, lol, loved the humor in this chapter. (Especially the part about Ashley realizing her sexual preference. XD)
I have two thoughts, though. One, you seriously need to get a beta. I'm not kidding. I'll volunteer if you want me to, or you can go shift through all the beta readers, but either way, your grammar needs fixing.
Two, why would Chuck like Jamie? Seriously, I can imagine why he'd be engaged to such a terrible and irrational person. -_-'
(lol, it's their last year of life, and she plans to have them working night and day on a wedding of all things.)
I know she's pretty, but she has to have other redeemable qualities besides that...so hopefully that's cleared up in later chapters. Or maybe just down tone her psychotic tendencies a bit.
-Ramen
Review game!
Alrighty now...
1.) "Wensday. No one liked Wensday."
If you had the days of the week underwear like I did when I was little, then you'd know it's spelled WEDNESDAY! XD
2.) "Even if you had a time machine, you'd still have to travel that same amount of time (backward) to reach the weekend as you would going forward."
Say "backward" right there.
3.) "Reluctantly, Miles pulled himself (up) and managed to get dressed for school."
Is it supposed to be "up" right there?
4.)"Usually I'm waiting out ()(for) for almost half an hour."
Insert the word "here" and delete the "for."
5.) “I don't care()you skip today or not, but I have to get to school."
Insert "if."
6.) "She would have ripped your head off, pour() some hot sauce down it, staple() your head back onto your neck, (shake) it up, rip() it open again, and pour() the hot sauce (out to) burritos made out of your arms() which I forgot to mention she ripped off earlier.”"
Okay...this sentence starts off in the past tense, so the rest of it should be, too. (Poured, stapled, shook, ripped, and poured...)
Instead of "out to", say "on to," and add a coma between "arms" and "which."
7.) "“We can't be that early, (are) we?”"
Change "are" to "can."
8.) "...so they gave me the job becuase no one else really felt like doing it.”"
"Because," not "becuase."
9.) "“That doesn't mean I'm going to () lenient."
Insert "be."
10.) "Jamie was beautiful. She was a blond psychiatry major, but most people assume that she would benefit more from going to regular psychiatry sessions than learning about it in a classroom." I think it was kinda an awkward time to take note of her appearance/background. The guy just fell flat on his face, and the first thing we here is "Jamie was beautiful..."
...And you spelled "Wednesday" wrong again in the next sentence or two after that.
11.) “(We) ahead of you. The Westin's already own the house in Hyde's Park. We move into my mother() house for a while until I get back on my feet."
"Way," not "we," and say "mother's", not "mother".
12.) "...can be completed at a much faster pace when there (is) less options to choose from.”"
"Are," not "is."
13.) "What are you waiting for."
Question mark instead of a period.
14.) "After a deep breath, (Jamie) stood up and walk over to the table that Ashley was sitting at.”
You said "Jamie" when you meant to say "Miles."
15.)"I don't care if you die either becuase I'll be right behind you in about a year.”
You spelled "because" wrong again.
Okay, lol, loved the humor in this chapter. (Especially the part about Ashley realizing her sexual preference. XD)
I have two thoughts, though. One, you seriously need to get a beta. I'm not kidding. I'll volunteer if you want me to, or you can go shift through all the beta readers, but either way, your grammar needs fixing.
Two, why would Chuck like Jamie? Seriously, I can imagine why he'd be engaged to such a terrible and irrational person. -_-'
(lol, it's their last year of life, and she plans to have them working night and day on a wedding of all things.)
I know she's pretty, but she has to have other redeemable qualities besides that...so hopefully that's cleared up in later chapters. Or maybe just down tone her psychotic tendencies a bit.
-Ramen
7/11/2008 c1 AMM3485
Nice story. I love Miles' personality and I love the little side comments in between the dialogue, especially the first paragraph when you are introducing Hyde Park. I also love Andrea and her dramatizations and over the top nature. Good luck with this.
Nice story. I love Miles' personality and I love the little side comments in between the dialogue, especially the first paragraph when you are introducing Hyde Park. I also love Andrea and her dramatizations and over the top nature. Good luck with this.
7/10/2008 c1 CandleQueen
Review game!
1.) "She had (tow) children, but only one still lived at home."
You misspelled "two."
2.) "Chuck graduated high school at 16 (and) at 20-years-old, he is already working on his doctorate in physics."
Add an "and" there.
3.) "You know,(m) for the education. I hear that it’s important.”"
Delete the "m" there.
4.) "Miles knew how to drive, but couldn’t get a license (becuase) his mother..."
Misspelled "because."
5.) "“I’ve never seen you this pumped up for school() Am I to assume that you actually care about your education now() or is there some hot guy you just need to spy on before school starts(.)”
Forgot a period there, a comma there, and change that last period to an question mark.
6.) "Meanwhile, Miles() older brother had been working all night at the science center where he interned as a meteorologist."
Say "Miles'" instead of "Miles."
7.) "Gladly, Chuck stretched his arm (off) and grabbed his coat off of the coat rack."
Delete that "off"...but you did kinda put it in a funny place, lol.
8.) "Let’s (the) just get to class before we’re late.”
Delete "the."
9.) "I have an infinite amount of test() to run now!”"
Add an "s."
10.) "“I son;t know,” Allison pointed out."
It's supposed to be "I don't know..."
11.) "I don’t exactly like eating (to) food they serve here.”"
Delete the "to."
12.) "“You eat it like the rest of us.”"
"You'll" not "you."
13.) "...causing irregularities in the inner working of the Earth."
"Workings," not "working".
I really liked the introduction that talked about the confusion over the name of the town; it drew me in because of it's sarcastic tone.
However, I'd make the transition between Miles being in his house and getting into the car a bit clearer: after all, you never actually mentioned Allison arriving at his house.
I liked the comedy; wasn't expecting that. Nice touch.
All in all, really good. ^ ^Except your grammar(lol, don't feel bad. Mine is nowhere near perfect, either.) Might I recommend a beta?
-Ramen
Review game!
1.) "She had (tow) children, but only one still lived at home."
You misspelled "two."
2.) "Chuck graduated high school at 16 (and) at 20-years-old, he is already working on his doctorate in physics."
Add an "and" there.
3.) "You know,(m) for the education. I hear that it’s important.”"
Delete the "m" there.
4.) "Miles knew how to drive, but couldn’t get a license (becuase) his mother..."
Misspelled "because."
5.) "“I’ve never seen you this pumped up for school() Am I to assume that you actually care about your education now() or is there some hot guy you just need to spy on before school starts(.)”
Forgot a period there, a comma there, and change that last period to an question mark.
6.) "Meanwhile, Miles() older brother had been working all night at the science center where he interned as a meteorologist."
Say "Miles'" instead of "Miles."
7.) "Gladly, Chuck stretched his arm (off) and grabbed his coat off of the coat rack."
Delete that "off"...but you did kinda put it in a funny place, lol.
8.) "Let’s (the) just get to class before we’re late.”
Delete "the."
9.) "I have an infinite amount of test() to run now!”"
Add an "s."
10.) "“I son;t know,” Allison pointed out."
It's supposed to be "I don't know..."
11.) "I don’t exactly like eating (to) food they serve here.”"
Delete the "to."
12.) "“You eat it like the rest of us.”"
"You'll" not "you."
13.) "...causing irregularities in the inner working of the Earth."
"Workings," not "working".
I really liked the introduction that talked about the confusion over the name of the town; it drew me in because of it's sarcastic tone.
However, I'd make the transition between Miles being in his house and getting into the car a bit clearer: after all, you never actually mentioned Allison arriving at his house.
I liked the comedy; wasn't expecting that. Nice touch.
All in all, really good. ^ ^Except your grammar(lol, don't feel bad. Mine is nowhere near perfect, either.) Might I recommend a beta?
-Ramen
7/10/2008 c1 1FirstBloom13
ooh... it's good. I'm hooked, probably going to read the rest. Good Stuff: didn't spend the entire first chapter explaining the characters, you let them explain themselves. It all fit together nicely that way. Not heavy writing, which is good because we don't want to have to sort through 3 desribing words to get the the one that matters.
Bad Stuff: Not very edited, spelling/grammar wise. try and get beta read. As well, when switching between Chuck and Miles, maybe use the three asterisks or a similar method to let us know we are switching points of view. Also, some more adjectives/adverbs would be nice, just to give us a sense of being there - which is what writing's all about, eh?
1FirstBloom13ooh... it's good. I'm hooked, probably going to read the rest. Good Stuff: didn't spend the entire first chapter explaining the characters, you let them explain themselves. It all fit together nicely that way. Not heavy writing, which is good because we don't want to have to sort through 3 desribing words to get the the one that matters.
Bad Stuff: Not very edited, spelling/grammar wise. try and get beta read. As well, when switching between Chuck and Miles, maybe use the three asterisks or a similar method to let us know we are switching points of view. Also, some more adjectives/adverbs would be nice, just to give us a sense of being there - which is what writing's all about, eh?
4/14/2008 c3 ickleamylkins
O! Me likey! Tis a really awesome story so far! I am intrigued to know what happens next! More!
O! Me likey! Tis a really awesome story so far! I am intrigued to know what happens next! More!
3/31/2008 c1 6Jenny Van Alles
What an awesome way to start off the end of all life as we know it. Your mix of global disasters and smaller personal tragedies was perfect. I noticed a couple of spelling errors and some grammar mistakes towards the beginning though, so you might want to just go back and check that out, but very good job overall.
6Jenny Van AllesWhat an awesome way to start off the end of all life as we know it. Your mix of global disasters and smaller personal tragedies was perfect. I noticed a couple of spelling errors and some grammar mistakes towards the beginning though, so you might want to just go back and check that out, but very good job overall.