for American Terror3/26/2013 c1 
7A.J Scarlet
Few grammar and formatting errors. But if the muse for this story hasn't vanished I'd love to see an update.
7A.J ScarletFew grammar and formatting errors. But if the muse for this story hasn't vanished I'd love to see an update.
4/24/2008 c1 22Starleaf
Hi there. :) You reviewed my story I Know You're Still There, and I thought I'd review you back!
The whole "moody-teenager-being-dragged-around-by-his/her-parents" thing is kind of cliche, although I could see why the kid would be moody, and being moved around because of jobs is a realistic thing.
I noticed "used to sit by her in math Mr. Schlom moved us apart about two weeks into the semester when our talking habits became disruptive." as I was reading... there should probably be a semicolon between "math" and "Mr." There should also be a comma between "semester" and "when", i think, so it looks like this:
"used to sit by her in math; Mr. Schlom moved us apart about two weeks into the semester, when our talking habits became disruptive."
I like the cliffhanger at the end. The characters seem kind of typical too... I mean, I could see them in one of those teen movies, haha.
Anyway, don't get me wrong - I'm not flaming or intentionally being nit-picky or anything. I'm just really into concrit. xD
22StarleafHi there. :) You reviewed my story I Know You're Still There, and I thought I'd review you back!
The whole "moody-teenager-being-dragged-around-by-his/her-parents" thing is kind of cliche, although I could see why the kid would be moody, and being moved around because of jobs is a realistic thing.
I noticed "used to sit by her in math Mr. Schlom moved us apart about two weeks into the semester when our talking habits became disruptive." as I was reading... there should probably be a semicolon between "math" and "Mr." There should also be a comma between "semester" and "when", i think, so it looks like this:
"used to sit by her in math; Mr. Schlom moved us apart about two weeks into the semester, when our talking habits became disruptive."
I like the cliffhanger at the end. The characters seem kind of typical too... I mean, I could see them in one of those teen movies, haha.
Anyway, don't get me wrong - I'm not flaming or intentionally being nit-picky or anything. I'm just really into concrit. xD
4/15/2008 c1 15Cardboard Tube Knight
I liked it all around, I am wondering who this Mike Hall kid is and what he did to make people not like him. Honestly its not the kind of thing I would normally pick up but I wanted to get a review on someone's page tonight and you were the person in the thread. Anyway I think that you could polish up the dialog a bit, maybe I'm the last person who should say this because i have a lot of rambling characters but there are times when you could make the lines shorter. Most of the time when you have it shorter it seems more realistic, at least from what I read in books about this sort of thing. Its hard to make dialog both realistic and purposeful. Anyways, I liked the character and his narration the description was a little lax maybe we know what a school looks like but it couldn't hurt to give little details here and there, the smells of the places, the color of the chairs or something like that. Its hard to work in but don't just dump it all in one place is a tip I have for you. But good start all around, I hope you plan to continue this. Its got a quality that makes me ask questions that I want to know the answers to and that's how you make sure people keep reading!
15Cardboard Tube KnightI liked it all around, I am wondering who this Mike Hall kid is and what he did to make people not like him. Honestly its not the kind of thing I would normally pick up but I wanted to get a review on someone's page tonight and you were the person in the thread. Anyway I think that you could polish up the dialog a bit, maybe I'm the last person who should say this because i have a lot of rambling characters but there are times when you could make the lines shorter. Most of the time when you have it shorter it seems more realistic, at least from what I read in books about this sort of thing. Its hard to make dialog both realistic and purposeful. Anyways, I liked the character and his narration the description was a little lax maybe we know what a school looks like but it couldn't hurt to give little details here and there, the smells of the places, the color of the chairs or something like that. Its hard to work in but don't just dump it all in one place is a tip I have for you. But good start all around, I hope you plan to continue this. Its got a quality that makes me ask questions that I want to know the answers to and that's how you make sure people keep reading!
4/15/2008 c1 Berserko
I like the way this starts off. It's an introduction enough to let you know some about the character, but it also lets you know that he has a past that makes him dynamically loved or hated by many people. He's a sort of apathetic type of character, but he's cocky as well. And he sure as hell thinks like a normal guy, too.
The guy in the Algebra class was actually a bit creepy. He seemed nervous about something, but at the same time he seemed like an advocate for certain danger. I like characters like that.
Let me know when you get more written, I'd love to read and review.
I like the way this starts off. It's an introduction enough to let you know some about the character, but it also lets you know that he has a past that makes him dynamically loved or hated by many people. He's a sort of apathetic type of character, but he's cocky as well. And he sure as hell thinks like a normal guy, too.
The guy in the Algebra class was actually a bit creepy. He seemed nervous about something, but at the same time he seemed like an advocate for certain danger. I like characters like that.
Let me know when you get more written, I'd love to read and review.
4/13/2008 c1 2Poppa Rocks
Dialog: though there isn't much its pretty realistic and just the right length. Though i would like to see more interaction, this is still good.
Characters: I liek them all so far especially, Michale, he seems to be a true blue teenager, hating change and having to re-live life over. I can't wait to see what he did to that particular student at the end of the chapter.
Wording: Short, sweet and to the point and I love the descriptions, especially that they are not too wordy. I so far like the language of the chapter, very real-world like (Yeah pretty much my same inpression of the dialouge XD)
Enjoyment: You know how to entertain a reader, though its not an action fic i still wanted to see more. Also the cliffhanger at the end of the 1st chapter man you're evil :P. (I meant that in the nicest way possible)
2Poppa RocksDialog: though there isn't much its pretty realistic and just the right length. Though i would like to see more interaction, this is still good.
Characters: I liek them all so far especially, Michale, he seems to be a true blue teenager, hating change and having to re-live life over. I can't wait to see what he did to that particular student at the end of the chapter.
Wording: Short, sweet and to the point and I love the descriptions, especially that they are not too wordy. I so far like the language of the chapter, very real-world like (Yeah pretty much my same inpression of the dialouge XD)
Enjoyment: You know how to entertain a reader, though its not an action fic i still wanted to see more. Also the cliffhanger at the end of the 1st chapter man you're evil :P. (I meant that in the nicest way possible)
4/12/2008 c1 4Imalefty
review game! :)
just a little formatting thing... you have "american terror" written twice at the top. i don't know if you want it that way or not, but just to let you know...
hahaha, great first lines. :) you really draw in the reader and give a sense of your character.
whoa, i definitely thought he was a girl. ahahaha... oops.
i feel like you need more details. there's not setting... you don't say anything about the first day of school except for meeting andrea.
"smelled like oranges and pineapples almost like alcohol she was also still about three inches taller than me." - this sentence doesn't really make any sense to me... it's definitely a run on... and what about the alcohol? was she actually drinking?
so uh... how does he know where the party is? XD
there are a number of weird sentences in here... i think you need a few commas and periods to make them work out.
again, the details. you definitely need a setting... what does the school look like? what happens during class... or who else does he see? who are "Blake, Dustin, Ashley, and Steph?" they're kind of just names right now...
also, you use a lot of "he had [verb]" or "she'd [verbed]"... i think you can probably get rid of some of the "had"s and make it a bit more active. for example... "I had sat next to her in math" could be "When I lived here, I sat next to her" or "I used to sit next to her" or something like that. vary the wording a bit.
also, the chapter's really short. i think you could probably double the length... just to give your readers a bit more to go on. it would give you time to flesh out the characters and the situations a bit better, i think.
keep writing!
-Lefty
4Imaleftyreview game! :)
just a little formatting thing... you have "american terror" written twice at the top. i don't know if you want it that way or not, but just to let you know...
hahaha, great first lines. :) you really draw in the reader and give a sense of your character.
whoa, i definitely thought he was a girl. ahahaha... oops.
i feel like you need more details. there's not setting... you don't say anything about the first day of school except for meeting andrea.
"smelled like oranges and pineapples almost like alcohol she was also still about three inches taller than me." - this sentence doesn't really make any sense to me... it's definitely a run on... and what about the alcohol? was she actually drinking?
so uh... how does he know where the party is? XD
there are a number of weird sentences in here... i think you need a few commas and periods to make them work out.
again, the details. you definitely need a setting... what does the school look like? what happens during class... or who else does he see? who are "Blake, Dustin, Ashley, and Steph?" they're kind of just names right now...
also, you use a lot of "he had [verb]" or "she'd [verbed]"... i think you can probably get rid of some of the "had"s and make it a bit more active. for example... "I had sat next to her in math" could be "When I lived here, I sat next to her" or "I used to sit next to her" or something like that. vary the wording a bit.
also, the chapter's really short. i think you could probably double the length... just to give your readers a bit more to go on. it would give you time to flesh out the characters and the situations a bit better, i think.
keep writing!
-Lefty
4/12/2008 c1 31ByYourSide
It was a bit short, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Population, YOU was funny. I can relate to that. XD
Also a tiny bit confusing and you use a surplus of adverbs, in my opinion. Bogs down the writing. But that's just my opinion.
^^
31ByYourSideIt was a bit short, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Population, YOU was funny. I can relate to that. XD
Also a tiny bit confusing and you use a surplus of adverbs, in my opinion. Bogs down the writing. But that's just my opinion.
^^
4/12/2008 c2 63Midnight Adrenaline
If this is a horror story then how come it's rated K+. How is a horror, angst and romance story suitable for 9+ (K+)? I'm not being mean by the way, just asking. It's good. And once again, I'm sorry for thinking the main character was a girl. As I said I don't sleep a lot (I spend way too much time on fictionpress) so it's easy for me to get confused.
63Midnight AdrenalineIf this is a horror story then how come it's rated K+. How is a horror, angst and romance story suitable for 9+ (K+)? I'm not being mean by the way, just asking. It's good. And once again, I'm sorry for thinking the main character was a girl. As I said I don't sleep a lot (I spend way too much time on fictionpress) so it's easy for me to get confused.
4/10/2008 c1 Midnight Adrenaline
Loved the second sentence, so funny. "Population, YOU". Although it was a bit confusing. She says she didn't have any high hopes and then it turns out she had already lived there.
Loved the second sentence, so funny. "Population, YOU". Although it was a bit confusing. She says she didn't have any high hopes and then it turns out she had already lived there.
4/1/2008 c1 27blueroseofice
Moving is scary but unless you finish the story I don't really see why this is listed as a horror story. jk. Keep writing!
27blueroseoficeMoving is scary but unless you finish the story I don't really see why this is listed as a horror story. jk. Keep writing!
3/31/2008 c1 lymli
to be honest its a very short chapter so I have no opinion completely, but the title is kinda curious for a romantic story, I thought it was a terror story, so Id like to read more chapters.
to be honest its a very short chapter so I have no opinion completely, but the title is kinda curious for a romantic story, I thought it was a terror story, so Id like to read more chapters.