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for Final Goodbye

7/14/2008 c1 12elisefey
I think your narrative for this story really picks up, along with the imagery, in about the fifth paragraph once you mention Jess. I suddenly get a sense of Mark with that piece of information and then your descriptions of driving in the rain become beautifully sensory after that point. In fact, when you described the car turning over I started to feel dizzy but in slow motion, which was totally surreal and very nicely done.
6/2/2008 c1 Tawny Owl
I enjoyed reading that. It was a new idea, the soul and the body saying good bye like that. I actually found it quite sad.

I didn't really have much sympathy for Mark though, I wasn't sad that he died - but I did like the way you gave details about him: like he considered himself an agnostic.

The build up of tension was good as well. A person all alone, driving through the rain, you just know something bad is going to happen, but I had to keep reading anyway!

I think your description is brilliant as well. I really liked "howling winds and evil cackling thundering in his speakers."
5/29/2008 c1 8Kar-zid
Great story, very desrciptive and interesting! The ending was awesome, I didn't see that coming! Keep writing, your an awesome author!
4/8/2008 c1 15Cardboard Tube Knight
Very good story, you give very vivid descriptions. I love how you describe the crest of the road concealing the bend. I don't thing I've seen anything like that in a story online in long time. You give a very good idea of what's going on, senses are very important to you it seems. The only sense I don't remember seeing used might have been smell. But that's not even a complaint. The only problem I can see in this story is that there are some places where the description might be much. Thing is, that might be a stylistic on my part, as I'm not all that much for description. But all of it is well written.
4/3/2008 c1 18The Last Xu
I'm sure it was what you had intended... but this story didn't get anything out of me. He died, big deal. The whole thing with the dead body and the radio talking is just too . . . well I would say they feel so out of place and just kills the effect of the ending. Maybe if before he goes to hell he hears his body saying "good luck," that'll be fine, but that whole dialogue of them parting ways is just a waste.

Also, try to keep the character static. I mean, he sticks his head out the window as if he WANTS to die, but the whole thing about him actually caring about his friend's reactions or he actually wanted to go to heaven kinda makes me wonder if he should've at least had some fear.

You have good descriptions and ideas, but many of them needs rewording. Instead of saying "The storms seemed to show him inner conflict, his own." maybe say something along the lines of "The clouds were filled with unrest, as if mirroring the conflict within him." The... literal descriptions seem amateur and doesn't create as much effect. (Like a movie. A movie with a good plot and acting just seems so much less enjoyable than a movie with good technique.) Also, some descriptions are way overdone.

"the car slid off the road like soap on slippery tiles." or

I like the whole thing about how his life didn't really hold any value to him, and in the end he was sucked into hell, but the ending was ruined by the not-very-discreet overshadowing. When he died I was like "oh well, I saw that coming."

Oh, also you could totally get away with a T.
4/3/2008 c1 3KnittingKneedle
I reckon you could get away with a T, though I'm always fairly liberal with this stuff.

You introduced it well, it had a beginning, middle and end- and was all very formulaic.

I liked the tiny snippets of character that we could see in Mark, which made his death have more emotional impact.

After the collision, you reached a whole new level with the descriptions which were just super to read! It's nice that he reached inner peace so quickly...my current fic is set after death and a lot more inner-angst from the dead person.

Grammar and spelling seemed fine, though this is the sort of peice I just want to read through.

Great job!
4/2/2008 c1 1LucienofShadow
I liked the entering paragraph. It gave us a bit of a feel for the character, fairly mild mannered, somewhat introspective,etc.His reactions later on in the story fit with the way you introduce him.

The first thing which irks me is the 'You will die!' It just doesn't seem to fit. There is no other indication of some pernicious power plotting his demise. After reading the entire peace my eyes keep on flicking up to the bold words, trying to understanding what they're doing there. Just take out those few sentences and the piece will be far more cohesive.

This sentence needs commas: "You the spirit and I the body, we must part ways."

"You, the spirit, and I, the body, we must part ways." You need commas when you re-identify something. For example: "My boss, Edward, had decided it was time to expand."

'Suspended like an astronaut... death shuttle.' Excellent job maintaining the metaphor.

A fairly good piece, overall.

"In twenty short years, not one memory returned to him." Makes it sound like he floated there for twenty years and couldn't remember anything. Maybe 'He'd only lived for twenty short years, but he couldn't remember a single significant achievement.' It would be good to restate what, specifically, he can't remember.
4/2/2008 c1 9Otseis Ragnarok
Onar- Review Game

That was awesome!

Up until the ending, I thought this was just... okay, but that ending... WOW!

That poor bastard...

""You will die!" Were the words which he swore he could hear. It could be his ears playing tricks as he struggled to turn his car around the corner. The tires locked and skidded on the silky roads like an ice skater, Mark's feeble attempt at stopping it only managed to swing the car around." That caught me a bit off-guard. But I liked that.

And then his brain coming out of his skull... Greatness! I loved that description...

And the end... He's sucked into hell, while his body seems to mock him... Brilliance! Simple genius.
4/1/2008 c1 40Madame Y
This is Maybelle from the Review Game:

Hmm, I'm partial to long, rain-soaked roads myself. I like the image it builds from the very first line: someone on a journey home, while something darker broods in the background...

I felt that Mark's accident happened too "suddenly". It seemed like one moment the radio was cheering madly, and the next moment he was slipping off the road. Since this is a horror story. perhaps you can build more suspense there - how is the radio cackling? What thoughts could Mark have while listening to it? How do those thoughts parallel with his current and past conditions?

Otherwise, interesting end. I might be misinterpreting, but it is the reader supposed wonder where Mark ends up? I like the open-mindedness of that possibility.

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