Just In
for Pains and suicide

11/2/2008 c1 56Luna Turner
Holy moly. That's depressing.

Dramatic start, it really makes you want to read the second chapter.

Great job at drawing in an audience.

~Luna Turner
7/18/2008 c2 4Moonlit Promise
That tree thing is so sweet but he's so mean to her now. I wonder what exactly happened. Poor girl...
6/17/2008 c2 2The Good Reviewer
...and I realised had subconsciously run to the last place I had wanted to be. I had run to our tree, the tree we had carved our initials into over a year ago. -I do believe it would be ran not run.

...fallen fall leaves were crunching under my...-I think, fallen leaves were crunching under my, would sound better. Unless you change fall to autumn.

“Yeah(.)” I immeadtly opened my eyes. -its spelled immediately.

“I’m kidding, don’t get so serious(!)” I slapped him playfully(.)

I think that is all the mistakes, besides some small grammar ones.

Anywho, this is a very dark romance story. I'm interested in where it will go. Unfortunaly I am also read about 15 others, so I will have to read the next chapter another day. I'l try to get to it as fast as a can. If its over a week, please send me a message. See you next time. Or rather, read you next time!
6/17/2008 c1 The Good Reviewer
Interesting...reading on because there isn't much to say for this chapter.
5/12/2008 c1 misery sister
I think it's best to keep the first lines just italicized, the bold was unnecessary.
4/29/2008 c1 xX freedom after sacrifice Xx
wow. maybe i'm weird but that was really good, full of emotion. great job.

- Cissnei
4/17/2008 c1 MeiLeeCalifornia
Call me a sucker for happy endings, but I admit I'm hoping she still lives!
4/15/2008 c2 1A. M. Herr
'Back we he showed he loved me'

I think you meant 'Back when' instead of 'Back we'

This is pretty good ^_^ Although in a way it kind of reminds me of the way me and my husband are sometimes. =P you hit managed to hit my reminiscence button. (which is a good thing)
4/14/2008 c2 1fourstitch
ugh that sucks for her. he seemed so cute before! whats up with him?

this is really good! you're missing a few periods here and there, but other than that its great.

four stitch.

ps; check out my story? i could use some constructive critisism
4/14/2008 c1 fourstitch
D: this is sad. but its very good.

i like this poem

four stitch
4/10/2008 c1 1A. M. Herr
Eh definately gets the points of depression across and also nicely shows the scene. Hence the Eh at the beginning. Had to rub my wrist there for a minute. My only suggestion would be when you say '..dragged the blade across my wrist watching my life...' leave out 'my wrist' since it was at the end of the previous sentance.

It would sound like this:

"With those last words, I folded my departing confession; wiped away the tears that helped add to my pain, grabbed my blade and rested it on my wrist. I took another deep breath and slowly dragged the blade across, watching my life slowly seep from my veins."

It might make it sound more dynamic. WHat you have there is great as is. So it's just a suggestion! ^_~
4/4/2008 c1 8Mynmsths
Thanks for mentioning me. I'm glad that i helped. You already know my opinion on the story, but every one likes compliments so... I really like it so far.


Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service