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for My Once Upon A Time

5/16/2008 c10 1violetglow
Oh yeah! Joy told me that Rui Xun's a real life person, though he -doesn't- know what context you're writing him in.

-

It would be best if you could get someone to read through the manuscripts you type into the computer, because those little typos that inevitably crop up everywhere detract from the pleasure of reading a story, and that's really quite a pity.

I really liked the possibilities presented by the imagination theory on the playing of the piano. But the descriptions seemed rushed and cut short. Elaboration might have been quite pretty.
5/10/2008 c9 10DreamsOnlyLastForTheNight
i like it so far!

the perverted cat makes me laugh my ass off!

anyways,

update soon!
5/2/2008 c8 1violetglow
While I fail to see how you can 'disturb sleep into shreds', this was an amusing chapter. It seemed to be quite filler-ish, because the fight was very rushed. Maybe you should have gone into more detailed fight scenes?

There are still many typo errors in your story, as well as tense and grammatical errors . Maybe you should get a beta? The thing about apple-flavoured mentos was interesting, but you might have elaborated further on how she felt. Maybe there was something different in other things as well after eating, and not just the fight?

Not too bad, albeit the excessive use of 'holy shit' is quite redundant. =)
4/26/2008 c7 violetglow
Hmm, I've been following your story, and it seems that you -must- incorporate your superior knowledge of music into the story. =)

I have to say, fitting and suitable though it is for Vanessa to call Rui Xun 'lousy cat', its a little lengthy for an insulting/mocking nickname, and when used three times in succession, disrupts your sentence flow.

Like so : "I glared at him for insulting my intelligence. Lousy cat...I rolled my eyes. "That lousy cat? I left him at the dance studio."

Speaking of which, where the hell has that lousy cat gone off to?

"

And lastly, "Self praise is international disgrace"

Pure crack.
4/20/2008 c5 violetglow
haha! Hilarious! But then, naming her Theresa C. is a little too obvious, is it not?

Okay, let's see... the characterisation so far in your story is pretty good, you have developed a little bit on Rui Xun and Danny, as well as Vanessa. I see that you have placed yourself as a self-insert in this story...

Hmm... anyway, on the previous review, its actually right. That form of description is known as 'exposition', and should be avoided at all costs, since it disrupts the flow of the story. Overall though, your sentence structures were fine. However, I think that you should get a beta for those typos that invariably sneak into your story. E.g. 'wicked' instead of what I presumed to be 'winked'.

The scissors-paper-stone match was possibly the most unusual and funny thing you incorporated into this twisted version of Alice in Wonderland.

I like that you related many things from your normal life into the story - like the girls with high skirts, and ACSI... ROFL!

However, that might actually restrict your creativity, as you are drawing them from your own experiences, and not from your imagination.

You have a very refreshing style of writing, and so far, the only problem I can spot is exposition, which you happen to have alot of.

Good development, and relatively innovative. =) Keep writing! I'll be following your story.
4/14/2008 c1 misery sister
1. All numbers from 0-100 should be spelled out. So, your 16 years here, should be spelled as 'sixteen years'.

2. The first letter of text in a parenthesis should still be capitalized.

3. Please, please, please find a way to write your character descriptions into the story. It's really, really, really tacky if your character starts listing her own features. 'My name is SoandSo, I have soandsohair that falls to my shoulders, my eyes are soandso color...' It's so unrealistic.

4. Space out your paragraphs. Long paragraphs are daunting to readers. Give them spaces for breathers for them to take in everything yous ay.

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