for “Two A Day” For The Mental Patient5/1/2008 c1 
460Time To Change
Had to read it twice, which sometimes shows the interesting complexity of certain poems.
I like the comparison with a jigsaw, particularly the last two lines. They were quite powerful.
460Time To ChangeHad to read it twice, which sometimes shows the interesting complexity of certain poems.
I like the comparison with a jigsaw, particularly the last two lines. They were quite powerful.
4/6/2008 c1 1k+Faithless Juliet
This is really interesting; comparing a vcr with a mental patient. I enjoyed the comparision. Keep writing, you have promising ideas.
Much love,
Juliet.
1k+Faithless JulietThis is really interesting; comparing a vcr with a mental patient. I enjoyed the comparision. Keep writing, you have promising ideas.
Much love,
Juliet.
4/4/2008 c1 36SEMMU
Good job. This is a great little piece creating shocking imagery concerning our dirty hidden secret, the mentally ill.
Here's a stylistic suggestion. There's nothing wrong with your poem; however, I would consider revising the first sentence give the similie of VCRs more of an immediate literary punch.
For example: "The V.C.R in the 21st century-" could be rewritten as
They're the misplaced V.C.R.s of the 21st century-
I liked it. Write on!
I know this is a shameless plug; however, I've written a piece with a similiar tone.
It's called "Colorful Cardtower". If you get a chance, tell me what you think.
36SEMMUGood job. This is a great little piece creating shocking imagery concerning our dirty hidden secret, the mentally ill.
Here's a stylistic suggestion. There's nothing wrong with your poem; however, I would consider revising the first sentence give the similie of VCRs more of an immediate literary punch.
For example: "The V.C.R in the 21st century-" could be rewritten as
They're the misplaced V.C.R.s of the 21st century-
I liked it. Write on!
I know this is a shameless plug; however, I've written a piece with a similiar tone.
It's called "Colorful Cardtower". If you get a chance, tell me what you think.