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7/25/2009 c26 5BlackTreaderWolf
Cool
8/22/2008 c18 20Xelena
it's interesting to say the least. the baker woman i figured was bad news but not that bad. andrew amuses me as well.
6/30/2008 c3 20Twilight Starr
Interesting addition. I wonder what's up with Wilson and if he's a slayer. Nice work.

~Twilight Starr~
6/30/2008 c2 Twilight Starr
Good beginning. I wonder what she was injected with. It sounds like Andrew wants her. Nice work.

Good luck with writing, this story, and life. Have a lovely day and a wonderful summer.

~Twilight Starr~
4/23/2008 c8 82Solemn Coyote
I think ficpress ate my review of the last chapter...

Hopefully it's there, but maybe not. In any case, here's the last of my reviews for the time being. I've been kinda picky with this story, so feel free to disregard anything I say. And, most importantly, keep writing.

1)"but she will still be c" the A/N kinda gets cut off.

2)"the Watcher’s Council decided to reassign Ms. Christopher" Okay. You might want to do a name change or something there. I'm not sure where the line of copyright lies, but this is treading on some uncertain ground.

3)"Swords, scythes, commas, nun-chucks," Close. I'm studying abroad in Japan right now, so I can be kinda picky about this one. The little martial arts sickles are called 'kama'.

4) Just a personal preference, but I kinda feel like Bree worked better as a name than Sabrina. Sabrina's got too many daytime tv connotations to it, I think. But maybe that's just me.

5)"I think that Chinese guys actually like us Americans right now," Beijing in really Americanized, actually, so she'd probably be able to get by speaking English there. Assuming she was kicked several continents over in the first place.

6)"she watched some late night/early morning television that consisted of inaccurate vampire shows" I've always liked taking a look at trashy vampire fiction via the medium of trashy vampire fiction. I plan one day to write a pulp novel about a vampire novelist who happens to be a vampire, so I really appreciate that line.

7)"as the sun’s rays were peeking over the horizon of the shale quarries just outside of town." Ah, that's a promising location for buried demons, hidden tombs, elder gods, and what not. Hopefully this story will spend some time in its namesake shale mines. Maybe.

-SC
4/23/2008 c7 Solemn Coyote
1) I just wondered about how she coped with her house when she was turned undead. Did she have to invite herself into it?

2)"Great. One more thing for me to ignore." Wow. She keeps trying to just not deal with him, and he keeps getting stronger. And exponentially more stalker-ish. It would make a lot more sense to just off him, but she does have some history with the human-him. Maybe offer a flash-back or memory-trip of something to remind the audience of that? At the very least, it'd develop his character a bit and make him a more effective villain.

3)"But then, just as I suspected, you were signing up again for the same class you dropped, same teacher and all." That was a well-written monologue, there. It did an effective job of capturing the weirdness of her behavior, and John's willingness to see past it. Which gives me the creeping suspicion that Andrew's going to off him sooner or later. Which'd be a huge disappointment for me.

4)"But then, just as I suspected, you were signing up again for the same class you dropped, same teacher and all." might not be a bad place to drop a few 'studying' innuendo, just to make the situation more awkward for Rachel.

-SC
4/23/2008 c6 Solemn Coyote
1) This 'double-amnesia' is kinda a nice touch. Rachel's got this period of time in which she was evil and vampiric, and then another stretch of time during which she was re-ensouled, and she has to sorta reconstruct what happened from what other people can tell her about those times. It also means that she could run into people who met her during either one of those occasions and be completely unable to gauge their reactions. Cool.

2)"Too much happy at one time can make the unhappy even more depressed." a valid point.

3)"Well, I don’t know how to say this–there’s a girl that I’ve been thinking about lately." That was a nicely written bit, but the impression I got from it was that John was trying to let Rachel know he was worried about her in a reasonably clever way. I was somewhat shocked when she *didn't get it*. I can picture John being kinda miffed.

John: "No, look. There's *this girl* that I'm worried about. She's in my trig class. Goes to clubs from time to time."

Rachel: "Oh? Who is she?"

4) Okay, good. He did outright ask. I respect him for that.

5)"Then again, she also had to hide the fact that she couldn’t blush anymore." okay, that's actually a really cool touch. A lot of simple human reactions are kinda dependent on having a pulse. Maybe she can blush better after she feeds?

6)"I’m sorry, Matt, but" er, wasn't he John?

7)"And if they think that they are following another vampire, if things fall out of their favor, then they will stupidly count on you to come to their rescue." Actually, I kinda think Fatima has a point. If vampires are as territorial as any other predator, then they might be annoyed at having a kill stolen.

8)"Hey ladies. Looking for a good time?" They are immortal. They have had all of eternity to hone their pick-up lines. And that's the best they do. I sincerely hope that, for their benefit, they spent their respective forevers training in martial arts instead.

-SC
4/23/2008 c5 Solemn Coyote
1)"It’s me, Fatima Sullivan. The next slayer in line after Bree?" Er...that's also a thing from Whedon, right? Linear succession of slayers triggered every time one of them dies?

2)"She gave up her hopes when all that was in the fridge was blood and alcohol" Rachel's a bit older than the average adversary to the forces of darkness. That's pretty cool.

3)"After you got your soul back, though, we were cool." one of the parts of Whedon's mythos that never really caught with me was the idea that putting the soul back in anything made it good. Which flies well in the face of the behavior of a lot of ensouled mortals. Maybe if soulless creatures acted kinda mechanical, and ensouled ones had more of a personality I'd be a lot more in favor of that system.

4)"Usually people start drinking after five" Er, I think it's usually later than that. Seven or eight, maybe, though I'm hardly an expert. Still, when you live in a town crawling with undead, it might be understandable to hit the bottle a bit early.

5)"Okay, I can answer in one of two ways. One, I could say that it is technically five o’clock somewhere, or I can say screw you." Snappy dialog there. Nice.

6)"Chris is playing her role as a shopkeeper" the, ah, I-can't-believe-it's-not-watcher is female. That's cool.

7)"a) Fatima not letting her sleep all day until she agrees to go," Do undead really need to sleep? I mean, it's your story. If you say they do, then they do, but the point of sleep for mortals is to allow the body a chance to repair and the psyche a chance to unwind. Vampires are immortal in this instance, so I can't imagine they'd need sleep to regenerate. Maybe they do it out of habit? Just tossing out ideas, here.

8) I'm glad the story is revisiting the club (did it get named yet?) That location sorta got underdeveloped in the first chapter. It could benefit from a more in-depth description.

-SC
4/23/2008 c4 Solemn Coyote
1) At a glance, the chapter title is a slight giveaway. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it takes some of the shock power out of the first couple lines. In situations where the chapter titles don't really add anything to the feel of the story, it might be worth reverting to just numbers. Of course, it's pretty hard to go back from numbers to titles again, so it's okay to leave 'the realization' as it is to make way for snazzy titles in later chapters.

2)"Okay Bree, don’t freak out," it felt like there should have been another side to that conversation. Some feedback of some kind from Bree.

3)"Basically, Mrs.Anigran, the witch–you know her–she found one of those special crystal orbs and put your soul back in you" That's kind of a name-drop for Anigran. She just appears all of a sudden, with a slight backstory to boot. This would probably sound more natural if you just scratched the 'you know her' from Bree's dialog and included it somewhere in the narration. i.e. something like "'Mrs.Anigran, the witch, put your soul back in you.' Rachel nodded. It sounded like the kind of thing Mrs. Anigran would do."

4)"Does she think that I’ll kill myself now?" or whatever it is vampires do in that situation. Un-kill themselves?

5)"Now all Rachel had to do was pretend to be allergic to the sun until her family and non-knowledgeable-about-vampire friends all died." There's a point at which excuses really stretch, and the narrative might have to bend to allow that. Consider having Rachel let her mom in on the secret. The alternative is either to have Rachel bluff really convincingly, or channel raw plot at the problem and have her mother completely buy the lie.

6) It feels like there was a *lot* unsaid between Rachel and Bree at the end of the chapter. Like, there's this big "Um...so, yeah," hanging between them. Bree's not completely comfortable that Rachel's back to herself, especially with some of the things she said ("Now don’t take this the wrong way, but can you tell me why I’m not feeling the urge to kill you right now? As vampire looking at a slayer, I mean" for example.) Meanwhile, Rachel's still kinda shaken by her amnesia and Bree's revelations, and still feels like she's several weeks ago. You could play off this tension a little bit. Have an awkward moment where they both try to say something, realize they don't have the words for what they want to say, and walk away. Just an idea, of course. There are certainly other ways to play off the tension between them or develop their character dynamic, and any one of them would capitalize on the revelations in this chapter.

-SC
4/23/2008 c3 Solemn Coyote
Okay, you seem to be looking for reviews, so I'll make my way through a few more chapters.

1) Intro paragraph is pretty solid. You might be able to play up Rachel's confusion a bit more, though. Break down sentences into half complete thoughts or impressions that don't make sense. Maybe use synasthesia a bit (describing one sense with another, like 'a purple taste.') Half-conscious scenes are always kind of fun for for me to write, and I play them out as much as I can. They're a good way to get into a character's psychology, or endear them to the reader.

2)"What’s you’re name?" 'your'

3)"Rose." I like that she lies about her name.

4)"I don’t you hurt you and you don’t hurt me," there's an extraneous 'you' in there

5) Weaponry in your story seems to be fairly limited to the Whedon norm. The thing with vampire fiction is, there are so many different vulnerabilities that the undead have been endowed with by myth that each author gets to pick and choose how the vampires in their stories can be hurt. Most choose to do away with crosses and garlic. Some go for decapitation only. Others say that silver works, or come up with bullets made of raw sunlight (which makes for some okay gun-drama, even if the science is incredibly shaky.) Basically, what I'm trying to say here is that you shouldn't feel compelled to follow any particular author's model of vampire. Feel free to customize and create your own.

6) And...I think that's it for this chapter. Moving right along.

-SC
4/22/2008 c2 Solemn Coyote
Okay. Don't usually read vampire fiction, but this looked like it was worth a glance. Review is divided into sections for your convenience and mine.

1) Two lines in and I get bowled over with Buffy-vibe. That's okay if it's what you're going for...but I kinda feel like Buffy was played out in its entirety by Mr. Whedon. There can still be good vampire slayer fiction, but it kinda has to go in a different direction. Eventually. First chapter's no problem, but I hope the story strikes out for new territory some time later.

2)"He’s way to uptight." 'too'. nitpicky, I know.

3) Vampire-slaying got a very casual feel to it, here. Kinda just a part of the high school routine.

4) um...hard to do a really extensive review with only this chapter to go on. I will say that it felt like a lot of plot points got introduced too quickly. The narrative went from revealing that the main characters were high schoolers, to patrolling for undead, to a climactic battle with a part of Rachel's backstory. It would've been a lot smoother if you'd taken more time to develop each one. There is, of course, a lot of punch you can get from starting in the middle of things. However, when you do that, you have to be really careful to make sure that the only question the reader keep asking is 'what happens next?' If she stops to really think things through, the story loses a lot of its immediacy, and therefor its punch.

Now, seeing as this story is currently unfinished, my advice is simply to keep writing. Don't worry about my review too much. I was picky. When you're finished, though, tamper with the intro scene a bit. Try not giving any backstory on Dee, or Rachel, or Andrew. Just show what happens between them, and make it exciting enough that the reader doesn't try to second guess it. That way, when she finishes the prologue, all the questions that she suppressed while she was reading it will come up at once, and she'll be interested in reading further. And, of course, you'll have plenty of time to answer them in the ensuing chapters.

Okay, I think that's all I've got for advice right now. Keep writing. For now, don't second guess or edit. Focus on getting the story out first. If you want me to review further or read something else, feel free to send me a message.

Peace.

-SC
4/21/2008 c7 Divine Macabre
Interesting story...a vampire slayer turned into a vampire, that can't be a good thing. Rachel's vampire stalker is a bit eerie too, curious why he's latched onto her.
4/21/2008 c7 71Subbie
Aww, man! Your story is really good! I can actually believe that I'm there. It's so cool.

Have you ever seen the TV show Buffy? because this kinda reminds me of it. It's well written though.
4/19/2008 c6 xBlackSoul
wow, nice chapters.. update ASAP!

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