4/6/2008 c2 25Master Chief
It's good to see another pilot story on this site. Not enough of them if you asked me. On to the review, i guess.

This is a good start to something that looks to be epic. Fighter pilots. Multi-form ships. Rivalry. Space battles. What can go wrong? Your writing style is pretty developed, and that's refreshing on this site. Sometimes it seems as if you get too verbose, however. It seems like you have your characters in order and a deep, complex story to tell. And i'll be waiting for it to unfold.

A few things I wanted to address.

One: your prologue is ridiculously long. The first chapter, is a fraction of the size of your prologue.

Two: You've got a lot of characters in just two chapters. It's kinda hard to keep track of who's who. Maybe a character list at the beginning would help.

Three: and this kinda follows up with Two... Try to establish a main protagonist if you can. As a reader, I really don't know if I should be emotionally investing in Pilot 993- (Zaqqum?), Gene, Captain Raske, or Admiral Otoya. (For the record, i like Raske the best)

Four: Establish your characters as best you can before you start switching off to such divergent perspectives like you did with Zaqqum in Chapter 2.

Lastly: (more a personal gripe than anything) Where's my space battle? I surely thought chapter 2 would be fast and furious and violent what with the briefing and all at the end of the prologue.

Update this soon. I'll be looking forward to it.

M.C.