for Fat Chance2/17/2013 c1 
4il etait un paradis
so i just realised that a size 16 in the us is bigger than the uk. my bad. the writing's not too bad, but i would say to not keep switching POV.
4il etait un paradisso i just realised that a size 16 in the us is bigger than the uk. my bad. the writing's not too bad, but i would say to not keep switching POV.
2/13/2013 c2 NotLoggedIn
The constant shift between points of view by simply labeling the point of view looks amateurish. Perhaps write the chapters with an alternating point of view without actually labeling them. You can make it clear without actually slapping a label on. You would essentially write each chapter twice: the same set of events from a different point of view. I'm sure this has been done in commercial fiction.
The constant shift between points of view by simply labeling the point of view looks amateurish. Perhaps write the chapters with an alternating point of view without actually labeling them. You can make it clear without actually slapping a label on. You would essentially write each chapter twice: the same set of events from a different point of view. I'm sure this has been done in commercial fiction.
12/26/2012 c11 DELETEACCOUNTTTTTTTTTTT
Hahahaaaaa! And this is where I come in! Wooooot! To be honest, I liked this story alot. Grammar errors, yeah, Spelling errors, yeah, but that's what I'm here for, ne?
-Cheers
Bloo
Hahahaaaaa! And this is where I come in! Wooooot! To be honest, I liked this story alot. Grammar errors, yeah, Spelling errors, yeah, but that's what I'm here for, ne?
-Cheers
Bloo
12/26/2012 c8 DELETEACCOUNTTTTTTTTTTT
XD THANK GOD! I thought his name was seriously Danger XD Oh my frikkin' Gosh! BOYS! XD And wow. Jake, you're such an ass. Well, since you want water I hope you choke on it. And mom. Go fall in a ditch.
-Cheers
Bloo
XD THANK GOD! I thought his name was seriously Danger XD Oh my frikkin' Gosh! BOYS! XD And wow. Jake, you're such an ass. Well, since you want water I hope you choke on it. And mom. Go fall in a ditch.
-Cheers
Bloo
12/26/2012 c7 DELETEACCOUNTTTTTTTTTTT
Wow, Jake. You are damn arrogant. Thank God, Laney's not every girl. And J seems alright. But whose room did she go into o.O
-Cheers
Bloo
Wow, Jake. You are damn arrogant. Thank God, Laney's not every girl. And J seems alright. But whose room did she go into o.O
-Cheers
Bloo
12/26/2012 c6 DELETEACCOUNTTTTTTTTTTT
I have a feeling it's not her brother as well. But, WOO to the bros pulling sis aside! Great conversation and family interaction-even if it came with hypocrisy. Lol
-Cheers
Bloo
I have a feeling it's not her brother as well. But, WOO to the bros pulling sis aside! Great conversation and family interaction-even if it came with hypocrisy. Lol
-Cheers
Bloo
12/26/2012 c5 DELETEACCOUNTTTTTTTTTTT
Wow. So, she can't run all that fast to Jake, but to her brothers she's super fast. I guess they're just super slow XD
I'm starting to really dislike Jake though. He insists she come over then sits and chats with chicks.
Someone woulda gotten bitch slapped.
-Cheers
Bloo
Wow. So, she can't run all that fast to Jake, but to her brothers she's super fast. I guess they're just super slow XD
I'm starting to really dislike Jake though. He insists she come over then sits and chats with chicks.
Someone woulda gotten bitch slapped.
-Cheers
Bloo
12/26/2012 c4 DELETEACCOUNTTTTTTTTTTT
Interaction with the fam. Dad's annoyed, mom is a bitch perfectionist, 14 year old sister is a little shit that, were I in the story, I would probably beat the crap out of, brothers are overprotective and eldest sister is a gossip. Do I have everything? Am I understanding everything?
Wow. So. On to Jake.
-Cheers
Bloo
Interaction with the fam. Dad's annoyed, mom is a bitch perfectionist, 14 year old sister is a little shit that, were I in the story, I would probably beat the crap out of, brothers are overprotective and eldest sister is a gossip. Do I have everything? Am I understanding everything?
Wow. So. On to Jake.
-Cheers
Bloo
12/26/2012 c3 DELETEACCOUNTTTTTTTTTTT
Soooooo...I completely got her name wrong. Laney. Laney. Laney. I've got it. So sorry. I'm horrible with names. But, hey! I got Jake's name right! Prooooogreeeeessssssssss. But, back to the chapter. We've officially made our Laney the odd one out. School is hot, brothers are hot, sister is gorgeous, and, hey, turns out her whole family is like that!
Damn.
-Cheers
Bloo
Soooooo...I completely got her name wrong. Laney. Laney. Laney. I've got it. So sorry. I'm horrible with names. But, hey! I got Jake's name right! Prooooogreeeeessssssssss. But, back to the chapter. We've officially made our Laney the odd one out. School is hot, brothers are hot, sister is gorgeous, and, hey, turns out her whole family is like that!
Damn.
-Cheers
Bloo
12/26/2012 c2 DELETEACCOUNTTTTTTTTTTT
I love this character, this Lanley. She's so odd XD I'm sure she'll give him a trip!
-Cheers
Bloo
P.S-Yes. It totally sounds like it came from a movie. Lol
I love this character, this Lanley. She's so odd XD I'm sure she'll give him a trip!
-Cheers
Bloo
P.S-Yes. It totally sounds like it came from a movie. Lol
8/19/2012 c11 x3xJOJOx3x
Hey just wanted to stay I love your story and you totally deserve more reviews. I would totally review every chapter my co isn't allowing me to. Anyways writters block sucks but I still lovethis story! Please don't give up!
Hey just wanted to stay I love your story and you totally deserve more reviews. I would totally review every chapter my co isn't allowing me to. Anyways writters block sucks but I still lovethis story! Please don't give up!
1/4/2010 c6 Eyes of the Fire Lily
I really like this story so far!
you have done a great job! :)
oh, and u said to point out any grammar mistakes.
I found one.
When you said "It’s time for since and I’m so glad it’s here!" Did you mean to write Science? :) well anyway aside from that there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Great job! ^_^
I really like this story so far!
you have done a great job! :)
oh, and u said to point out any grammar mistakes.
I found one.
When you said "It’s time for since and I’m so glad it’s here!" Did you mean to write Science? :) well anyway aside from that there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Great job! ^_^
1/1/2010 c9 12lovely-fox-xo
Aw, I just read all of that for nothing? I don't even get to know how this story ends? You know, since you have seemingly matured in age and in your writing skills, you can use your newfound writing skills to turn the story around if you really dislike it that much. I mean, it's rewrite-able, the first couple of chapters aren't set in stone. It... it's just such a shame to see a story with so much potential to be thrown away like this. But, it's your story. :]
12lovely-fox-xoAw, I just read all of that for nothing? I don't even get to know how this story ends? You know, since you have seemingly matured in age and in your writing skills, you can use your newfound writing skills to turn the story around if you really dislike it that much. I mean, it's rewrite-able, the first couple of chapters aren't set in stone. It... it's just such a shame to see a story with so much potential to be thrown away like this. But, it's your story. :]