for Bacon and Blood7/13/2010 c1 Verified
Okay, so I stumbled across this by clicking on random profiles and blah blah blah. What fun.
Anyway, the first thought/person that sprang to mind when I read this was Ed Gein. Even though they're different. The country boy and the religion thing just kind of slammed me. Ed Gein had mother issues; it seems like this guy had daddy issues. I love it, though. It's really fitting, wonderful voice.
One description particularly stood out to me:
"He bit into the raw bacon and looked out through the window to the red and yellow expanse of farming land before him. The barbed wire fences looked like sutures in ruined skin."
Really creepy, bone-chilling description.
In the first, we learn that it's Texas farm country, and then we keep hearing about the Kansas sun. Is this on purpose or was it a continuity error? Sorry if I'm wrong.
Okay, so I stumbled across this by clicking on random profiles and blah blah blah. What fun.
Anyway, the first thought/person that sprang to mind when I read this was Ed Gein. Even though they're different. The country boy and the religion thing just kind of slammed me. Ed Gein had mother issues; it seems like this guy had daddy issues. I love it, though. It's really fitting, wonderful voice.
One description particularly stood out to me:
"He bit into the raw bacon and looked out through the window to the red and yellow expanse of farming land before him. The barbed wire fences looked like sutures in ruined skin."
Really creepy, bone-chilling description.
In the first, we learn that it's Texas farm country, and then we keep hearing about the Kansas sun. Is this on purpose or was it a continuity error? Sorry if I'm wrong.
4/30/2008 c1 
23witheredxwaste
bee-yo-ti-full :)
I swear I am not just being polite. This story was very entertaining to read. I like how he is cooking his victim a last meal, it's just eerie how he's telling her that it'll be a last meal for her. And how he didn't care that his sister got beaten because he was so hungry for food, and his peculiar blood lust was just the icing on the cake, my friend :D
The last sentence was probably my most favorite part, naturally. Keep writing, dearie, you're quite amazing at it!
Signed, Lucie
23witheredxwastebee-yo-ti-full :)
I swear I am not just being polite. This story was very entertaining to read. I like how he is cooking his victim a last meal, it's just eerie how he's telling her that it'll be a last meal for her. And how he didn't care that his sister got beaten because he was so hungry for food, and his peculiar blood lust was just the icing on the cake, my friend :D
The last sentence was probably my most favorite part, naturally. Keep writing, dearie, you're quite amazing at it!
Signed, Lucie
4/28/2008 c1 Fractured Illusion
First of two prize reviews for winning the Review Marathon! You are the new legend ^^
"hank whomever you’re prayin’ too. It musn’t be my Lord, though, ‘cause I haven’t been struck dead yet."
Priceless line! I love this character's arrogance and attitude. It's just so raw and well portrayed. The accent doesn't even bother me, which I think shows you did it right. It has a smooth flow and not at all choppy like bad dialog can get. Well, dialog? Haha, try monologue. But whatever ^^;
"I’ll let you have las’ words, I promise. I’m all about death rights, truly am"
This is as disturbing as it is amusing. I'm shocked and chuckling. :p It's messed up!
I can truly picture the scene, by the way. And this person, too. It's very sick and twisted and it gripped me from the start.
I liked how you made him talk about his past so vividly. I started to...well, not really feel for him, but I could understand him, you know? And things were making sense why he was the way he was. Btw, the relation between sex and bacon was an interesting one, haha.
One "bad" remark though. I didn't like the last line. Ending a story with dialog isn't quite satisfactory, because somehow it feels empty. I'd wish you'd have ended it with some other line (non dialog).
Awesome read though. It disgusted and intrigued me. Even the title is sort of disgusting. I just imagine that combo on a plate. Ew.
Kudos for making the scene, and the character, come to life!
-Frac (congrats for being nr 1 winner of RM! :D)
First of two prize reviews for winning the Review Marathon! You are the new legend ^^
"hank whomever you’re prayin’ too. It musn’t be my Lord, though, ‘cause I haven’t been struck dead yet."
Priceless line! I love this character's arrogance and attitude. It's just so raw and well portrayed. The accent doesn't even bother me, which I think shows you did it right. It has a smooth flow and not at all choppy like bad dialog can get. Well, dialog? Haha, try monologue. But whatever ^^;
"I’ll let you have las’ words, I promise. I’m all about death rights, truly am"
This is as disturbing as it is amusing. I'm shocked and chuckling. :p It's messed up!
I can truly picture the scene, by the way. And this person, too. It's very sick and twisted and it gripped me from the start.
I liked how you made him talk about his past so vividly. I started to...well, not really feel for him, but I could understand him, you know? And things were making sense why he was the way he was. Btw, the relation between sex and bacon was an interesting one, haha.
One "bad" remark though. I didn't like the last line. Ending a story with dialog isn't quite satisfactory, because somehow it feels empty. I'd wish you'd have ended it with some other line (non dialog).
Awesome read though. It disgusted and intrigued me. Even the title is sort of disgusting. I just imagine that combo on a plate. Ew.
Kudos for making the scene, and the character, come to life!
-Frac (congrats for being nr 1 winner of RM! :D)
4/26/2008 c1 2theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhair
And here is your second prize review! I spent so much time on the last one that I had to go... although you probably noticed that... At any rate, I'm finally back!
This story is... spectacular. I'm speechless. The plot is already great because it's about a murderer, the lovely accent you give to said murderer helps give the story its dark tone and gives him personality... I also love the way you've made him have this breakdown in front of his victim. See, the reader automatically leans toward having some sympathy for the girl, but you make the killer so interesting, so emotional, and his history is so enrapturing... that I found myself putting the girl wrapped in duct tape into the back of my mind.
The eating of the raw bacon what absolutely disgusting, and it was a very nice touch. Still, I had some difficulty relating the bacon back to the blood that is also indicated in the title. In fact, I had some difficulty finding the significance of blood at all. The scene where Missy is beaten to death is clearly significant, and I think that's where the blood comes in... it's obviously some kind of trade off... He eats, his sister and her baby die... The regret... and everything else... it's so clearly symbolic. I'm going to think so more on it and toss the ideas I come up with at you, see if they're at all like what you came up with. At any rate, my criticism here is the lack of a direct relation between bacon and blood. I'll see if I can come up with an interpretation that ties them together (this is one of those quality stories that would be really fun to tear apart and analyze the symbols), but as of right now, I can find a connection marked enough. If I'm just missing something, will you help me out?
Also, I think the segment about atheists needs more introduction. Why is he bringing up the girl's belief system? Is it because his own is in doubt? Huh... maybe more explanation would be too much. Maybe the randomness is supposed to be telling me something else... ARGH! This not knowing is the worst part of analyzing a story. I'll definitely get back to you on this... if you don't have anonymous reviews enabled, I'll just have to PM you what I think.
And could you lengthen it a little? I really want to know more about the girl. What are her last words? What's been going through her head this whole time? Sure, it's a good place to stop, but th need to know about the victim is driving me nuts! Please? If I try to resolve it by writing a little fanfic off of it for myself, then I won't do as good a job with it as you could. *begs*
Like I said, amazing! Hopefully your profile is a joke, but if it's not, come on! You've gotta be kinder to yourself. Talent like this is too valuable to be abused! You're worth more than that. And btw, is this seriously a first draft? People would pay for this.
2theflyingcrabsareeatingmyhairAnd here is your second prize review! I spent so much time on the last one that I had to go... although you probably noticed that... At any rate, I'm finally back!
This story is... spectacular. I'm speechless. The plot is already great because it's about a murderer, the lovely accent you give to said murderer helps give the story its dark tone and gives him personality... I also love the way you've made him have this breakdown in front of his victim. See, the reader automatically leans toward having some sympathy for the girl, but you make the killer so interesting, so emotional, and his history is so enrapturing... that I found myself putting the girl wrapped in duct tape into the back of my mind.
The eating of the raw bacon what absolutely disgusting, and it was a very nice touch. Still, I had some difficulty relating the bacon back to the blood that is also indicated in the title. In fact, I had some difficulty finding the significance of blood at all. The scene where Missy is beaten to death is clearly significant, and I think that's where the blood comes in... it's obviously some kind of trade off... He eats, his sister and her baby die... The regret... and everything else... it's so clearly symbolic. I'm going to think so more on it and toss the ideas I come up with at you, see if they're at all like what you came up with. At any rate, my criticism here is the lack of a direct relation between bacon and blood. I'll see if I can come up with an interpretation that ties them together (this is one of those quality stories that would be really fun to tear apart and analyze the symbols), but as of right now, I can find a connection marked enough. If I'm just missing something, will you help me out?
Also, I think the segment about atheists needs more introduction. Why is he bringing up the girl's belief system? Is it because his own is in doubt? Huh... maybe more explanation would be too much. Maybe the randomness is supposed to be telling me something else... ARGH! This not knowing is the worst part of analyzing a story. I'll definitely get back to you on this... if you don't have anonymous reviews enabled, I'll just have to PM you what I think.
And could you lengthen it a little? I really want to know more about the girl. What are her last words? What's been going through her head this whole time? Sure, it's a good place to stop, but th need to know about the victim is driving me nuts! Please? If I try to resolve it by writing a little fanfic off of it for myself, then I won't do as good a job with it as you could. *begs*
Like I said, amazing! Hopefully your profile is a joke, but if it's not, come on! You've gotta be kinder to yourself. Talent like this is too valuable to be abused! You're worth more than that. And btw, is this seriously a first draft? People would pay for this.
4/26/2008 c1 5notazombie
I like how he's telling the story in his own words. I think that makes it more disturbing. My main complaint with the style is that his speech is a bit difficult to read. However, it does do more to describe his character, I think. I also like how you don't really make an effort to give us more info about the girl, like what she's thinking as he's telling his story, and instead leave her as a mostly passive listener. Giving her a bigger part would distract way too much from his story.
5notazombieI like how he's telling the story in his own words. I think that makes it more disturbing. My main complaint with the style is that his speech is a bit difficult to read. However, it does do more to describe his character, I think. I also like how you don't really make an effort to give us more info about the girl, like what she's thinking as he's telling his story, and instead leave her as a mostly passive listener. Giving her a bigger part would distract way too much from his story.
4/19/2008 c1 Tytherpol
i have the hardest time reading prose.
i guess it always seems to drag on
and become cliche by paragraph three (as soon as authors usually start spending two whole paragraphs describing what the characters look like)
but i really liked this
& i read it all the way through twice.
i think what i like most about it (besides the interesting characters and plot)
was the formatting-the informal way your paragraphs are divided
so that the start of a new P isn't exactly the start of a new idea..
it's just where the narrator would seem to take a breath.
"‘You want white or brown bread?’ One of my Mamaw’s better jokes, but it wasn’t the place or the time." -that was so cute.
but it's also terribly morbid (as the rest of the story obv is)
haha i like morbid. ;)
i can't really think of much anything to say constructive criticism-wise...not because it's perfect..it's just good how it is.
so uh nice job and all
love, ~ty.
i have the hardest time reading prose.
i guess it always seems to drag on
and become cliche by paragraph three (as soon as authors usually start spending two whole paragraphs describing what the characters look like)
but i really liked this
& i read it all the way through twice.
i think what i like most about it (besides the interesting characters and plot)
was the formatting-the informal way your paragraphs are divided
so that the start of a new P isn't exactly the start of a new idea..
it's just where the narrator would seem to take a breath.
"‘You want white or brown bread?’ One of my Mamaw’s better jokes, but it wasn’t the place or the time." -that was so cute.
but it's also terribly morbid (as the rest of the story obv is)
haha i like morbid. ;)
i can't really think of much anything to say constructive criticism-wise...not because it's perfect..it's just good how it is.
so uh nice job and all
love, ~ty.
4/19/2008 c1 88multiples of six
Wow, that's pretty dark! It's really, really good though! You have a great mix of descriptions and dialogue, and the colloquial dialect adds a lot to the story. The only problems I saw were a couple of very minor typos.. and you might want to say "The girl was seventeen" closer to the beginning with the rest of the descriptions. Actually it might be better to just say she looked seventeen, since the narrator doesn't seem to be omniscient. But yeah, great story. Great title, too. =)
88multiples of sixWow, that's pretty dark! It's really, really good though! You have a great mix of descriptions and dialogue, and the colloquial dialect adds a lot to the story. The only problems I saw were a couple of very minor typos.. and you might want to say "The girl was seventeen" closer to the beginning with the rest of the descriptions. Actually it might be better to just say she looked seventeen, since the narrator doesn't seem to be omniscient. But yeah, great story. Great title, too. =)