for A Quiet Kiss10/14/2008 c1 
29Leaves of Labefaction
I really liked a lot of this, because it was so heartbreaking. There are a lot of spelling errors, though;
"princely line, something so corny and plastic, clihe, something to tell the grandkids, " cliche*
"‘I thought you’d never ask’, or ‘i’m just a little stunned – i had no idea you felt the same way.’ " The i's in the second quotation need to become I's.
"It felt lackluster, and I though of him, with ever sting. " every*
Ending spelling corrections, though there are a few more. Beginning criticism.
"I watched his pale back retreat. I watched his spine and the back of his ribs and thought of how thin he was. I jumped in the water and cut my foot on a broken glass at the bottom." The 'I' in the beginning of each sentence gets a bit repetitive. I also think the transition between the last two sentences needs work. Maybe it should be more like this: "I watched his spine and the back of his ribs and thought of how thin he was. As soon as his pale back was [no longer in view/had fully retreated?] I jumped into the water, [accidentally?] cutting my foot on the broken glass at the bottom."
The last line seems so ... disgusting and direct compared to the beauty of the rest, which might be good, depending on the effect you're going for, or might be bad.
I know this is a very long review, but I only give criticism if I think that it has potential, and this certainly does. Take the fact that I spent so much time on this as a compliment.
-LoL
29Leaves of LabefactionI really liked a lot of this, because it was so heartbreaking. There are a lot of spelling errors, though;
"princely line, something so corny and plastic, clihe, something to tell the grandkids, " cliche*
"‘I thought you’d never ask’, or ‘i’m just a little stunned – i had no idea you felt the same way.’ " The i's in the second quotation need to become I's.
"It felt lackluster, and I though of him, with ever sting. " every*
Ending spelling corrections, though there are a few more. Beginning criticism.
"I watched his pale back retreat. I watched his spine and the back of his ribs and thought of how thin he was. I jumped in the water and cut my foot on a broken glass at the bottom." The 'I' in the beginning of each sentence gets a bit repetitive. I also think the transition between the last two sentences needs work. Maybe it should be more like this: "I watched his spine and the back of his ribs and thought of how thin he was. As soon as his pale back was [no longer in view/had fully retreated?] I jumped into the water, [accidentally?] cutting my foot on the broken glass at the bottom."
The last line seems so ... disgusting and direct compared to the beauty of the rest, which might be good, depending on the effect you're going for, or might be bad.
I know this is a very long review, but I only give criticism if I think that it has potential, and this certainly does. Take the fact that I spent so much time on this as a compliment.
-LoL
7/14/2008 c1 15XsilentXescapeX
anything that can make my heart drop with one line is worth noting. That is exactly what this line did:
As I watched him expectantly, and he stared at me, he finally muttered, “Oh, Man, Lacey, you must be wasted. You know I’d never kiss you.”
It broke my heart, but i loved it.
~silent
15XsilentXescapeXanything that can make my heart drop with one line is worth noting. That is exactly what this line did:
As I watched him expectantly, and he stared at me, he finally muttered, “Oh, Man, Lacey, you must be wasted. You know I’d never kiss you.”
It broke my heart, but i loved it.
~silent
5/10/2008 c1 snowdance
Congrats on winning the Review Marathon. You shall go down in history in the Reviewer Hall of Fame. Here's one of the two reviews I owe you:
I must agree with my friend, dragonflydreamyr, PROOF YOUR WORK. (I don't mean to be rude, it's a pet peeve of mine.) Incorrect grammar, quote problems, spelling. Please use Spelling-and-Grammar-Check.
Also, I was kind of dissappointed at the harsh reality of the ending. But that's the world we live in: Not every story can have a Disney ending.
Congrats on winning the Review Marathon. You shall go down in history in the Reviewer Hall of Fame. Here's one of the two reviews I owe you:
I must agree with my friend, dragonflydreamyr, PROOF YOUR WORK. (I don't mean to be rude, it's a pet peeve of mine.) Incorrect grammar, quote problems, spelling. Please use Spelling-and-Grammar-Check.
Also, I was kind of dissappointed at the harsh reality of the ending. But that's the world we live in: Not every story can have a Disney ending.
5/7/2008 c1 2dragonflydreamer
Congrats on winning the Review Marathan! Your massive review count blew my mind. You are a review legend! Here's your review:
I'm sorry, I don't usually start off a review on a negative note, but PLEASE proofread your work. This has typos galore: spelling errors, misused apostrophes, and capitolization errors from what I remember. Just reading this over and running it through a spellcheck would do it wonders. And I'll just tell you that 'asendancy' has a c after the s since that was in the summary. It's always a big turnoff to have errors in the summary.
All that aside, I really did enjoy that story. I didn't mind the block paragraph or the run-on sentences as much as others probably would. However, I did find several places that you could have put a paragraph break.
I think what I loved most about this was that tone. It was quite idfferent for this genre. Starting from where the narrator questions Edmund's name, I could tell that you were really breaking the stareotype of romance stories on this site. Your ending was so unique I could just hug you! Very nice job! I look forward to reading more of your work.
2dragonflydreamerCongrats on winning the Review Marathan! Your massive review count blew my mind. You are a review legend! Here's your review:
I'm sorry, I don't usually start off a review on a negative note, but PLEASE proofread your work. This has typos galore: spelling errors, misused apostrophes, and capitolization errors from what I remember. Just reading this over and running it through a spellcheck would do it wonders. And I'll just tell you that 'asendancy' has a c after the s since that was in the summary. It's always a big turnoff to have errors in the summary.
All that aside, I really did enjoy that story. I didn't mind the block paragraph or the run-on sentences as much as others probably would. However, I did find several places that you could have put a paragraph break.
I think what I loved most about this was that tone. It was quite idfferent for this genre. Starting from where the narrator questions Edmund's name, I could tell that you were really breaking the stareotype of romance stories on this site. Your ending was so unique I could just hug you! Very nice job! I look forward to reading more of your work.
5/5/2008 c1 Vanilla Tea
I really liked this. I know you don't want to break this into paragraphs, but it is hard to read when it's in a block of text like this. I had to highlight over it as I read...
Some parts of this were also confusing, I think it was the run-on sentences. I reread the end a couple times to finally get it.
Have a couple typos in here, for example, 'clihe'-'cliche'. Also, the first letter of some words are capitalized that shouldn't be.
I did really like the story though, and the descriptions are good and detailed. The part about how she couldn't remember her boyfriends, or if her boyfriend's name was Edmund or Wilhelm made me laugh.
Nice job, and congrats on winning the review marathon!
I really liked this. I know you don't want to break this into paragraphs, but it is hard to read when it's in a block of text like this. I had to highlight over it as I read...
Some parts of this were also confusing, I think it was the run-on sentences. I reread the end a couple times to finally get it.
Have a couple typos in here, for example, 'clihe'-'cliche'. Also, the first letter of some words are capitalized that shouldn't be.
I did really like the story though, and the descriptions are good and detailed. The part about how she couldn't remember her boyfriends, or if her boyfriend's name was Edmund or Wilhelm made me laugh.
Nice job, and congrats on winning the review marathon!
5/3/2008 c1 defunct account 101521
RM review! (finally)
Usually the lack of paragraphs would bother me, but in this case I definitely think it enhances the story. It makes it seem- I don't know... More like the flury of emotions young girls get, and captures said emotions perfectly.
You really didn't have much. There's just something about the narrative though, that gives me the dialogue you didn't write in. Thumbs up.
A few frustrating errors... 'and I though of' is 'and I thought of'. 'with ever sting' is 'with every sting'. 'whiped his mouth' is 'wiped his mouth'. 'clihe' you missed a c- 'cliche'. Only those.
Enjoyment- Heart x5. I loved it. Like I said, you captured the emotion, gave me dialogue that you really didn't give me, and it was all around great.
Arianna
RM review! (finally)
Usually the lack of paragraphs would bother me, but in this case I definitely think it enhances the story. It makes it seem- I don't know... More like the flury of emotions young girls get, and captures said emotions perfectly.
You really didn't have much. There's just something about the narrative though, that gives me the dialogue you didn't write in. Thumbs up.
A few frustrating errors... 'and I though of' is 'and I thought of'. 'with ever sting' is 'with every sting'. 'whiped his mouth' is 'wiped his mouth'. 'clihe' you missed a c- 'cliche'. Only those.
Enjoyment- Heart x5. I loved it. Like I said, you captured the emotion, gave me dialogue that you really didn't give me, and it was all around great.
Arianna
5/2/2008 c1 Fractured Illusion
Wohoo! Hello Legend! Your second prize review for winning the Review Marathon! :D Congrats again on that feat! :)
"or ‘i’m just a little stunned – i had no idea you felt the same way.’ "
Why is the "I" not capitalized here?
I am not too fond of your non-paragraph format. I mean, even just adding one or two would really help, even if only for the dialog. Anyhow, aside from that lets get to the story.
The beginning sentence was an okay way to start it off with. There is bitterness in it which makes it interesting, but it is also of a trivial matter so for me, it doesn't quite work. Especially in comparison to how awesome your Bacon and Blood was.
The description of her mother's hair really caught me though. "dead hair" that wouldn't shine. I could picture it perfectly.
Generally, though, the sentences are confusing to read. Add to the format, and I have a hard time understanding. I had to re-read the entire story to get the ending. You start one topic, for example, then wander off in another topic, and then go back to the original one. This was done too often for me to follow. However, I found it especially confusing to understand that "his" reaction was not from Edmund but that original bloke.
This sentence was too long and confusing in my mind:
"And so I asked him, mustering through courage and a belly full of beer, for a quiet kiss, beneath the somehow garish balloons and glitter and streamers, too childish but that my mother had set up pain-stakingly, and he stared at me over the tumbler of gin and tonic he had in his hand, and he laughed"
You lost me at the "too childish" part. Perhaps cut that out entirely? Because the other things makes sense.
"omething so corny and plastic, clihe"
did you mean "cliché"?
I liked the ending, though, I have to say. Because it was a nice way to show her break down and that this boy was the one thing standing between her and no confidence.
I don't really get who that other boy is though (in the last line), and why he said what he said. If you could tell me I'd be happy to hear it. :)
-Frac
Wohoo! Hello Legend! Your second prize review for winning the Review Marathon! :D Congrats again on that feat! :)
"or ‘i’m just a little stunned – i had no idea you felt the same way.’ "
Why is the "I" not capitalized here?
I am not too fond of your non-paragraph format. I mean, even just adding one or two would really help, even if only for the dialog. Anyhow, aside from that lets get to the story.
The beginning sentence was an okay way to start it off with. There is bitterness in it which makes it interesting, but it is also of a trivial matter so for me, it doesn't quite work. Especially in comparison to how awesome your Bacon and Blood was.
The description of her mother's hair really caught me though. "dead hair" that wouldn't shine. I could picture it perfectly.
Generally, though, the sentences are confusing to read. Add to the format, and I have a hard time understanding. I had to re-read the entire story to get the ending. You start one topic, for example, then wander off in another topic, and then go back to the original one. This was done too often for me to follow. However, I found it especially confusing to understand that "his" reaction was not from Edmund but that original bloke.
This sentence was too long and confusing in my mind:
"And so I asked him, mustering through courage and a belly full of beer, for a quiet kiss, beneath the somehow garish balloons and glitter and streamers, too childish but that my mother had set up pain-stakingly, and he stared at me over the tumbler of gin and tonic he had in his hand, and he laughed"
You lost me at the "too childish" part. Perhaps cut that out entirely? Because the other things makes sense.
"omething so corny and plastic, clihe"
did you mean "cliché"?
I liked the ending, though, I have to say. Because it was a nice way to show her break down and that this boy was the one thing standing between her and no confidence.
I don't really get who that other boy is though (in the last line), and why he said what he said. If you could tell me I'd be happy to hear it. :)
-Frac
4/25/2008 c1 15Zonne
You are the WINNER of the REVIEW MARATHON
and here is your PRIZE
)Great Job with all those reviews. Wow! You wore me out(
"and I though of him, with ever sting"
Okay, I know you know there are typos. But I thought I'd point this. For me, people saying, there are typos, is not so helpful. If they can show me where it is, that's better, because the I (lazy me) don't have to go and find it.
So... above probably should read "and I thought of him, with every sting.."
My favorite part of this whole crazy paragraph is the ending. Even though she's so wrecked by it, I still think it is incredibly powerful and REAL. At least in my world. That is as real as real can be. THe line
" I felt my father’s disgust ring like alarm bells, true in my chest, I felt all the words my father had ever said to me that I’d been able to incinerate as Not True open through floodgates in my mind. "
Rang with such power that it nearly floored me. Every experience is different, but I too tried to incinerate those words as not true, whilst always believing. You really hit this perfectly.
Keep on writing
15ZonneYou are the WINNER of the REVIEW MARATHON
and here is your PRIZE
)Great Job with all those reviews. Wow! You wore me out(
"and I though of him, with ever sting"
Okay, I know you know there are typos. But I thought I'd point this. For me, people saying, there are typos, is not so helpful. If they can show me where it is, that's better, because the I (lazy me) don't have to go and find it.
So... above probably should read "and I thought of him, with every sting.."
My favorite part of this whole crazy paragraph is the ending. Even though she's so wrecked by it, I still think it is incredibly powerful and REAL. At least in my world. That is as real as real can be. THe line
" I felt my father’s disgust ring like alarm bells, true in my chest, I felt all the words my father had ever said to me that I’d been able to incinerate as Not True open through floodgates in my mind. "
Rang with such power that it nearly floored me. Every experience is different, but I too tried to incinerate those words as not true, whilst always believing. You really hit this perfectly.
Keep on writing
4/24/2008 c1 4Mary Chrys
WINNER'S REVIEW NUMBER ONE!
Wow. Okay, so I did like the way you wrote it, especially when she was thinking about what she was waiting for him to say, because that anticipation was real and perfect. And the let-down was real and perfect too. This whole chapter (?) is so realistic, and I love it. At the end, when she totally crashes down on herself, it was very realistic. One thing I didn't like... you guessed it... the paragraph. It is rather difficult to read.
4Mary ChrysWINNER'S REVIEW NUMBER ONE!
Wow. Okay, so I did like the way you wrote it, especially when she was thinking about what she was waiting for him to say, because that anticipation was real and perfect. And the let-down was real and perfect too. This whole chapter (?) is so realistic, and I love it. At the end, when she totally crashes down on herself, it was very realistic. One thing I didn't like... you guessed it... the paragraph. It is rather difficult to read.
4/24/2008 c1 12Esther Jade
Ah! I have now waded through the paragraph and lost the review I just wrote because of my Internet connection. But you did earn legendary status in the RM...
Other than the paragraphing, there are grammar and spelling problems. From your author's note, I'm assume that you probably aware of them so I won't dwell on them.
What I liked: the section "We'd been thirteen...with ever(y) sting".
Why: the description was really good and you kept the emotion subtle. I think if you wanted to you could probably build on that section quite effectively.
What I didn't like: the section immediately after it where you spoke about men not noticing.
Why: it came across as a rant and this was an annoying contrast with the subtlety you used in the section just before.
Overall: I see how the beginning and the end connect but they don't connect through the middle. The middle seems to be about something else entirely. There are some strong points in the description that I think if you used as a basis for another longer, more focused piece, could be really great.
12Esther JadeAh! I have now waded through the paragraph and lost the review I just wrote because of my Internet connection. But you did earn legendary status in the RM...
Other than the paragraphing, there are grammar and spelling problems. From your author's note, I'm assume that you probably aware of them so I won't dwell on them.
What I liked: the section "We'd been thirteen...with ever(y) sting".
Why: the description was really good and you kept the emotion subtle. I think if you wanted to you could probably build on that section quite effectively.
What I didn't like: the section immediately after it where you spoke about men not noticing.
Why: it came across as a rant and this was an annoying contrast with the subtlety you used in the section just before.
Overall: I see how the beginning and the end connect but they don't connect through the middle. The middle seems to be about something else entirely. There are some strong points in the description that I think if you used as a basis for another longer, more focused piece, could be really great.
4/20/2008 c1 82Solemn Coyote
Okay, so, first of all, thank you for the review and the incredible string of compliments. I've never heard of Scott Heim before, but I'll take a look around for his writing.
1) This is an epic block of text, here. But that's a stylistic choice. Sometimes it really does fit the story. Always go with your gut instinct before you listen to the dictates of grammar.
2)"just one small kiss to concrete my fifteenth birthday and asendancy to Lord Knows What." that's actually the line that hooked me into reading this particular story. It's poignant, assuming I haven't got the meaning of that word all muddled up. However, I would suggest changing 'concrete' to 'consecrate.'
3)"He said I was the only girl to ever make him cry, except his elder sister, and she’d done it out of hitting him so it didn’t really count." that I smiled at.
4)"bruises and burns, lesions, my father gave as valedictions to our Lessons." Oh, jeeze. The story doesn't linger over that and drift into angst, but it delivers a pretty potent gut-punch there. Well written.
5)"The frustrating thing with men, all men, is their utter incapibility to Notice." this is true. And believe me, for the guys that pick up on it, it's frustrating for them too.
6)"in the lack of streetlight, be whole in the dark." that captures a feeling I've never been exactly able to force into words. I approve.
7)"I felt my father’s disgust ring like alarm bells," wow, that came out of nowhere, almost intruding. But, on the other hand, it feels really appropriate for the character to think of her father in a moment that should be wholly her own.
8) The ending kinda swerves suddenly. I'll confess that I like the first half of the story more, as I am a sucker for a happy ending, but the whole thing is well-written. It's way better than I expected. Keep writing.
-SC
82Solemn CoyoteOkay, so, first of all, thank you for the review and the incredible string of compliments. I've never heard of Scott Heim before, but I'll take a look around for his writing.
1) This is an epic block of text, here. But that's a stylistic choice. Sometimes it really does fit the story. Always go with your gut instinct before you listen to the dictates of grammar.
2)"just one small kiss to concrete my fifteenth birthday and asendancy to Lord Knows What." that's actually the line that hooked me into reading this particular story. It's poignant, assuming I haven't got the meaning of that word all muddled up. However, I would suggest changing 'concrete' to 'consecrate.'
3)"He said I was the only girl to ever make him cry, except his elder sister, and she’d done it out of hitting him so it didn’t really count." that I smiled at.
4)"bruises and burns, lesions, my father gave as valedictions to our Lessons." Oh, jeeze. The story doesn't linger over that and drift into angst, but it delivers a pretty potent gut-punch there. Well written.
5)"The frustrating thing with men, all men, is their utter incapibility to Notice." this is true. And believe me, for the guys that pick up on it, it's frustrating for them too.
6)"in the lack of streetlight, be whole in the dark." that captures a feeling I've never been exactly able to force into words. I approve.
7)"I felt my father’s disgust ring like alarm bells," wow, that came out of nowhere, almost intruding. But, on the other hand, it feels really appropriate for the character to think of her father in a moment that should be wholly her own.
8) The ending kinda swerves suddenly. I'll confess that I like the first half of the story more, as I am a sucker for a happy ending, but the whole thing is well-written. It's way better than I expected. Keep writing.
-SC
4/19/2008 c1 22PhoenixPhilosophy
To be honest, I was horrified when i first saw this giant paragraph, i almost gave up before trying. But i'm SO glad i didn't. And I love that you said you can't break it up into paragraphs, it makes it so much more unique. I love LOVE every single sentence. You're very discriptive. I love how you went from your swim in the creek to the mother picking glass from under the narrator's foot. [i say the narrator because I don't know if it's you. It's so personal and discriptive that it seems like it's your own story, but you're such an amazing writer that i wouldn't be surprized if it wasn't.]
I also love how your narrator doesn't remember her boyfriends name but remembers his girlfriend's name and face and everything. so typical and real, it made me smile. such a girl thing. the end is heart-breaking. I really expected the cliche ending too. sometimes happily ever after isnt so dull.
Sorry to make this review as big as your story! but i LOVE IT. i'm adding it and you to everything! =]
22PhoenixPhilosophyTo be honest, I was horrified when i first saw this giant paragraph, i almost gave up before trying. But i'm SO glad i didn't. And I love that you said you can't break it up into paragraphs, it makes it so much more unique. I love LOVE every single sentence. You're very discriptive. I love how you went from your swim in the creek to the mother picking glass from under the narrator's foot. [i say the narrator because I don't know if it's you. It's so personal and discriptive that it seems like it's your own story, but you're such an amazing writer that i wouldn't be surprized if it wasn't.]
I also love how your narrator doesn't remember her boyfriends name but remembers his girlfriend's name and face and everything. so typical and real, it made me smile. such a girl thing. the end is heart-breaking. I really expected the cliche ending too. sometimes happily ever after isnt so dull.
Sorry to make this review as big as your story! but i LOVE IT. i'm adding it and you to everything! =]
4/8/2008 c1 7x.betweenthelines
honestly, i didn't read all of it.
lol.
but what i did read was good.
we seem to have the opposite problem.
i use too many paragraphs. =]
7x.betweenthelineshonestly, i didn't read all of it.
lol.
but what i did read was good.
we seem to have the opposite problem.
i use too many paragraphs. =]