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4/15/2008 c1 tangram
kindof like what the twilight zone would be if it were running today.
4/9/2008 c1 11Distilledfx
I love monster stories (I've written some myself) and this was an interesting one. The writing in this needs to be polished, you used repetition too much and there is some confusion as to who's eyes are blue and green.

The characters themselves seem to just be dumped in front of us too. You seem to know a lot about them and their history, more than you put into the story. A line or two about how the boy has got there etc would help.

A cool idea, it just doesn't achieve the full impact because of some mechanical errors. Keep writing, theres some good stuff here.
4/9/2008 c1 59Tranquil Thorns
I admit I'm a little confused.

I think it's your use of description that did it (ex. 'azure blue eyes roll, brows gather). All I get is this maze of description and I soon loose the sense of this; I get confused as to who these body parts belong to. I'd suggest that you tone that down a little. You used 'azure blue eyes' a lot.

I don't know a lot about the characters, either, except that one's blonde and the other has black hair.

Also, I'd like a better explanation of this 'thing'. It seems here that all you wanted to lead us to at the end was blood and gore, but I think it would be a lot scarier if we actually knew some type of history behind this creature in the room. Where did it come from, how does it work, etc.

A few mistakes here and there (herd should be 'heard', 'grapes' should be gropes, etc.)

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