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for Conditional Love

5/29/2008 c1 8Kar-zid
Great story, with an awesome twist right at the end! I really like the irony, her being afriad and can't take that her husband has mechanical legs now and she gets run over and the same fate waits for her.
5/27/2008 c1 10C.M.F Wright
Review game!

Wow! First reactions: this was super-chilling. I was unprepared for the twist at the end, so awesome job with that. I think you got your message across really well. I enjoyed it (well, as much as I ever enjoy horror), especially the end.

The beginning struck me as a little awkward/not as grabbing as it could have been. I think instead of describing the lover's accident in "backstory" format, if you actually gave the accident as a flashback or something, it might add to the drama/suspense.

Another thing I wonder about is whether you really needed the dream sequence in the beginning. I think the story might be good enough without it; you do talk about unconditional love later, too, and leaving out the dream sequence could give the story an added subtleness which it currently lacks. It's just a thought.

I think I got a pretty good sense of Abby's character. Not so much Kade's, although it's such a short story, I think that's okay.

I feel like the writing could be made more powerful by including *less* metaphors/similies. They kind of overwhelm the piece, making it almost *too* melodramatic (i.e. "His voice whimpered like a wounded beast on its death bed" and "the feeling of a thousand hungry dogs tearing away at her legs" seems a little over the top to me). Some of the description was good, though - I liked the grasshopper legs comparison. Just... maybe a little less of it...? ^_^

Also, be careful of dialogue punctuation; the quote is a part of the sentence. I've listed a few examples below (but not all of them).

Overall, nicely done. I'm definitely looking both ways next time I cross the street...

Minor details:

Her parents and friends had always been there for her to lean on(.) (N)ow (she was) absent and helpless.

"Take a bite(,)" (h)e'd suggested.

"I can't... this is disgusting..." (s)he explained...

Her lips finally unlocking the question she'd waited eleven hours to have answered. - "unlocking" should be "unlocked"

The nurse’s words warmed Abby's skin more than the prickly couch had. - Nice

Once upright, she marched down the hall faster than her mind could keep up with. - It sounds awkward to end with a preposition.

At twenty years old, there was still a type of dark which she was afraid of. - should be "At twenty years old, she was still afraid of a type of dark" (since "there" is not twenty years old)

Parents and friends had always been there to usher her away from the challenges of life(;) now she had to do it herself.

Rain was bucketing down in the dimly lit road - Eh, not sure about "bucketing" as a word choice...
5/20/2008 c1 3HeroR
I am not a horror person, but I did like the story. The plot and the twist was a little odd, but in a good way. Keep it up.
5/17/2008 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
Fractured Illusion asked me to review this after she answered my question in Fight for the Freebie.

I must admit, I'm not an expert on horror or tragedy, so bare with me here.

I was a little confused at first. I could follow what was happening, but I couldn't understand why she was having this strange dream or why her parents weren't there or anything.

However, once you went through the scene where she saw the fractured Kade, everything seemed to come into perspective: the dream and the fact that you mentioned that her parents or friends were always there to guide her. I must say that I'm impressed by Abby's character. Most authors would have trouble writing about a character who did such a cruel thing as ditch her boyfriend in a time of need, even if he looked creepy (he couldn't control that anyway). But you did a good job with that. And the way that, right after leaving him, she suffered the same fate. I wonder what Kade would think of that?

The whole moral to the story was very chilling, but in an that-was-an-awesome-horror-movie kind of way. I must say I enjoyed it. Maybe I should wander over to the horror section more often!

Also, I liked the many brilliant descriptions that just added to the story's mood and made it both easier and more entertaining to read. If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be to maybe ease into the whole avoiding-situations thing Abby has, such as elaborating more on the fact that she always had someone there for her or that she couldn't deal with making choices on her own. Or maybe the chilling suddenness of her betrayal to Kade made the story better. Now I'm just arguing with myself.

Anyways! This was a nice story here. Definitely a favorite.
4/16/2008 c1 1Sentance Winder
Don't normally read Horror, but i liked this. Though i won't put anything else on here untill i read more.

Abby was a strange character for me but someone i can relate to, I like that. She runs from her problems because she has been brought up that way, which is more realistic.

As for your style and language, it was neat and proper, with some appropiate language.

One thing to which might be nit picking. You mention intricate suit, why was it intricate? and more thing. You mention somewhere that there is an animal dying on its death bed. One thing wrong with that, animals don't die on death beds. Maybe something like an animal on its last dying breath. I don't know, just thought it might sound better.

Any way this has potential keep up with it, or if this is a one shot make another story.

4/16/2008 c1 103Jesse the Storyteller
Your imagery in places is very good, like this line: "the room's reverberation only cementing her feelings of abandonment" and this one: "feeling the wriggling worm in her stomach begin to gnaw feverishly"

I don't understand the point of putting the dream in there... maybe just to add to the creepiness? I think it detracts from the overall story.

Also... you didn't go into a description of the metal legs that conveyed to me any creepiness. Besides mention grasshopper-like-ness.. I pictures normal prosthetic legs. You whizzed through this steel rack thing... and there was so little description, I went back a 2nd and third time and still don't see why it's so creepy... her reaction makes no sense after that point - why was she so disgusted and scared?

It's the climax of the story - you really need to play it up more.

4/13/2008 c1 22Starleaf
Review game time!

Dialog: I thought the dialogue was pretty realistic. Not drawn out and exaggerated like most people tend to do.

-Writing: not bad, but there are a few things that could use some editing. like this, for example :"How is he?" Her lips finally unlocking the question she'd waited eleven hours to have answered.

I think it would sound a bit better as "How is he?" she asked, her lips finally unlocking the question she'd waited eleven hours to have answered.

Or, "How is he?" Her lips finally unlocked the question s he'd waited eleven hours to have answered.

Get what I mean? Some of the verbs are a bit off and they throw the rest of the sentence off, as well.

Also, "Before she had to time hear her heart rate batter her eardrums, the whitest light erupted from the ceiling." What does the light have to do with her hearing? Do you mean it distracted her, and therefore she didn't hear it?

"both sets of eyes" - you only have one set of eyes, which contains two individual eyes.

(I'm not being anal, I just wanna give you some concrit... I always expect the same for my stories. :])

-Enjoyment: I enjoyed it. The dream at the beginning of the story had me wondering what it was all about, but you never get an explanation for it? Just a random, odd dream? I guess I could understand the feeling of helplessness in it, as she was awaiting the results of her husband's accident.

-Plot: very nice twist at the end. The hospital is creepy, it's like they WANT their patients to get hurt just so they could turn them into robots. The one thing I didn't like, although I understood her fear, was that she ran away from her husband. As young as she is to be married, I think marriage teaches you to always stick by your spouse. But, that's not your fault in any way. That's who the character is, who her family and friends raised her to be.

Could use a little work, but overall, good job!
4/13/2008 c1 1soojinyeh
alright, first time reviewing you. I like to just writer my thoughts as i go along...

Ew, skin like a chicken-you mean fried chicken or like feathers? And then dog ears and a snout-what the hell is it? oh it is a dog...I'm Korean, where they actually do this...why am i saying that...?

...okay...that dude makes no sense...so if the dog was alive, you'd still eat it?

I'm curious though, as to what significance that has to do to the story...guess i'll wait and see...

Aw, ew, metal legs...

I notice you're very poetic with your descriptions...

well shit, I'd be wallowing in self pity too if that happened to me. I thought it was an accident...

Alright i am mad at Abby for leaving him like that, if that was someone I loved I would've at least had the dignity to try to help them through their tough time instead of running like a sissy...

Woah? Love the ending-she ran from him and now the exact same thing happened to her-please tell me there'll be more chapters, please?
4/10/2008 c1 31ByYourSide
RG. Yo. ^^

Hmm, well there's a bit of telling, instead of showing at the beginning that may not draw in too many readers. You TELL how Abby felt, how she'd never been left alone, etc. In my opinion, if you showed her reacting to the memory and the current situation rather than telling us how she felt, the beginning would come off stronger.

By the way...who gets mowed down by a taxi cab? XD

Second scene, with the dog... I like this fellow more than I like Abby. He certainly has a unique quality about him. His personality is very different from hers, which means good job on characterization!-they're distinct.

Plot is intriguing. The title, for one, makes one do a double-take. And the ending, and the everything-creepy. ^^

Saw few mistakes, none that I can remember. ^^
4/10/2008 c1 1Oceans of Mercury
There's way too many "she'd" and "he'd" in here, it kind of distracts me from the story, which I don't want because I like the story. Somewhat of a poetic justice.

"...any hopes of a speedy recovery." - The word speedy doesn't really seem to fit, it's less serious that the story it's in, but that's just me. I'm crazy.

"...to lean on, now absent and helpless." - 'Absent' describes her parents and friends that are no longer there for her to lean on, whereas 'helpless' describes Abby in her situation, both words shouldn't be used together. Something like, "...now they [family and friends] were absent in her life, and she was left helpless."

"Soon enough, she'd curled up on the hard sofa." - "Soon enough' is future tense and 'she'd' is past tense, don't change you tense. Plus, it feels like there should be something else after her curling up on the sofa, the sentence kind of drops off.

"...the aroma only repelling her from the awful dish." - 'Aroma' indicates a good smell, one that's pleasing. Now I'm not saying its use is incorrect in your sentence, maybe it really does smell good, but it just seems hard to believe that something she finds disgusting has a good smell that's repelling her from it.

I'm also having a hard time understanding the dream sequence, it doesn't seem to fit in with the story at all, and it only adds a new character that isn't explained anywhere, making it even more confusing. Is the dream created from something about Abby and her past or who she is as a person? If so, it's not explained. Or if it's supposed to tie in with the ending.

"...feeling the wriggling worm in her stomach begin to gnaw feverously." - This is much too literal of imagery, when I read this, I'm seeing an actual worm in her stomach. Also, feverously, is actually supposed to be feverishly.

"Letters breezed past her..." - Since the door she looking for is marked 4A, I'm guessing all the doors are marked in this same manner, in which case, letters and numbers should breeze past her.

"Her unhappy frown slid open." - This is also an obscure image, as a frown wouldn't 'slide open', maybe "Her lips bent into an unhappy frown." or "Her unhappy frown revealing how she felt."

"It was impossibly black inside..." - It can't be impossibly black, because as you say right in the sentence, it's impossible.

"At twenty years old, there was still a type of dark which she was afraid of." - I like this line.

""I don't know... how anyone could do this..." he croaked." 'He' needs to be capitalized.

"His voice purred like a wounded beast on its death bed." - Purring indicates happiness and content, or simply, means something positive, not negative.

"The feeling of a thousand hungry dogs tearing away at her legs was too much for her to scream." - Again this another form of imagery that is far too literal, as I am picturing exactly a thousand dogs tearing at her legs.

I like the story, the whole premise. My only complaint is that I knew how it was going to end the moment she was leaving the hospital, I advise that you set up a decoy to really mess with your readers. For example, when Abby is running out into the middle of the road, have the car appear as though it is going to run into her, but at the last second she narrowly escapes getting run over. Then right when the readers think everything is going differently than planned, have the accident come suddenly in a much different form than anticipated.

Good story. Keep writing.

4/10/2008 c1 6Sark
Interesting ideas.

It's really too short for a lot of characterisation, but what you've placed in there is sufficient. Nobody is darting in and out of character.

Again, not a lot of plot or background details. Which (IMHO) is a good thing in horror. The more you reveal, the less you leave yourself to work with.

The only complaint I have is with the pacing. It isn't bad so much as uneven (again, not always a bad thing in horror writing) but this time it just tweaks the reader without adding any force to the writing. Perhaps a little more space between her leaving the hospital and being run over would make it flow better.

Overall though, a solid piece of work.

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