for Even As the Tide Turns5/1/2008 c1 
3Hannah Rose Williams
Alexis Kent! How on earth did I miss the E-mail alerts? It's good to be reading you again! I like the names you've chosen for this story. Lyanth. Thanas. Beautiful, and they feel good on my tongue. Your descriptive powers have gotten really great. I see very vivid pictures when I read your stuff, like watching a movie.
I do have a few small crits. Personally, I think it's good to start a paragraph with a short sentence, especially at the beginning of the book. Some people like to make them long to draw in the reader on the first shot, but I just think it sounds better. You don't use short sentences very often in your writing, which makes me feel like I'm running out of breath, even though I'm not reading outloud. But that's just me. You still have sentence fluency, so I wouldn't say it's a big problem.
Off to the next chapter!
3Hannah Rose WilliamsAlexis Kent! How on earth did I miss the E-mail alerts? It's good to be reading you again! I like the names you've chosen for this story. Lyanth. Thanas. Beautiful, and they feel good on my tongue. Your descriptive powers have gotten really great. I see very vivid pictures when I read your stuff, like watching a movie.
I do have a few small crits. Personally, I think it's good to start a paragraph with a short sentence, especially at the beginning of the book. Some people like to make them long to draw in the reader on the first shot, but I just think it sounds better. You don't use short sentences very often in your writing, which makes me feel like I'm running out of breath, even though I'm not reading outloud. But that's just me. You still have sentence fluency, so I wouldn't say it's a big problem.
Off to the next chapter!
4/20/2008 c4 3Jenny Rocker
One additional note I have for chapter 4 is I was a little confused about these "rocs" that are mentioned.
The first time they are mentioned in this chapter is when you are describing Caravel's history and legend: "As history tells it, the rocs of the desert saw these acts of selflessness and lent themselves to the cause of the humans." First of all, not everyone is going to know what a roc is. (And when I say "everyone", I mean me. The word sounded vaguely familiar, but I had to look it up . . .). Since this is a mythical bird, and especially since you state "as history tells it", it is not apparent to the reader that these birds are supposed to be taken as literally being there. But then later in the chapter you say that Candon is talking to one?: "The older man was standing alone on one of the tower’s outcroppings, talking, it seemed, to the roosting rocs nearby". So I'm like, okay, there really ARE birds?
So what I would suggest is when you first introduce the roc, make it clear that these are A) birds; and B) that they are real and not just "legends". For instance, after the sentence "As history tells it, the rocs of the desert saw these acts of selflessness and lent themselves to the cause of the humans,"; maybe add something like: "the very same birds that could be seen around Caravel to this day, aiding their human allies". You get the gist. Oh and another question: how exactly did the rocs lend themselves to the cause of the humans? How did the bird help?
Other than these questions, this chapter was really nice. I liked the tracing of the Aneron & Caravel's history and love the growing characterization of Elthan and Candon.
I look forward to reading more!
~Jenny R
3Jenny RockerOne additional note I have for chapter 4 is I was a little confused about these "rocs" that are mentioned.
The first time they are mentioned in this chapter is when you are describing Caravel's history and legend: "As history tells it, the rocs of the desert saw these acts of selflessness and lent themselves to the cause of the humans." First of all, not everyone is going to know what a roc is. (And when I say "everyone", I mean me. The word sounded vaguely familiar, but I had to look it up . . .). Since this is a mythical bird, and especially since you state "as history tells it", it is not apparent to the reader that these birds are supposed to be taken as literally being there. But then later in the chapter you say that Candon is talking to one?: "The older man was standing alone on one of the tower’s outcroppings, talking, it seemed, to the roosting rocs nearby". So I'm like, okay, there really ARE birds?
So what I would suggest is when you first introduce the roc, make it clear that these are A) birds; and B) that they are real and not just "legends". For instance, after the sentence "As history tells it, the rocs of the desert saw these acts of selflessness and lent themselves to the cause of the humans,"; maybe add something like: "the very same birds that could be seen around Caravel to this day, aiding their human allies". You get the gist. Oh and another question: how exactly did the rocs lend themselves to the cause of the humans? How did the bird help?
Other than these questions, this chapter was really nice. I liked the tracing of the Aneron & Caravel's history and love the growing characterization of Elthan and Candon.
I look forward to reading more!
~Jenny R
4/20/2008 c3 Jenny Rocker
You've got a really great start so far. You have a great writing style and create a perfect balance of poetic detail and consise storytelling. There are some really nice passages of discription; so far, the one that sticks out the most for me is the paragraph opening chapter 2 describing Caravel and its towers. Really lovely. But most importantly, you are concise with your narration as well; I can follow your characters and actions perfectly. While there are some things that are a mystery to me at this point, I'm quite sure most are supposed to be mysterious at this point (i.e. what evil might Anaron be up to? What do these three places: Caravel, Anaron, & nameless spider city that Lyanth live in-did this place have a name yet?; anyway, how are these places connected, etc. etc.). My point is, these questions are good and makes me just want to read more.
The only thing I did find a little confusing, which I think could use a little more embellishment is this strange spider city. I'm a little confused as to what task Lyanth was trying to accomplish. Was she trying to catch a spider? Was she attacked by a spider (I think that's what happened, but I'm not sure)? But if she's attacked by some spider, I guess there are also a bunch of tame spiders in the city that the people ride (kind of like horses?)? I think this is a very unique and interesting concept, and the only thing that would help improve this is to give the reader a little more information.
I also wanted to mention that in the short period of time that we've spent with the characters that have been introduced so far, we've gotten a nice glance at their personality. I am immediately sympathetic to Lyanth, and after his cold shell is peirced a bit Thanas obviously has a sweet side. I really like how you introduced Elthan's personality as well; my favorite line about him was: "It was obvious that this was a man whose exploits were far-reaching-and more obvious that he was well-aware of the fact."
Anyway, I'm off to read more, just wanted to leave some feedback as I was thinking of it.
You've got a really great start so far. You have a great writing style and create a perfect balance of poetic detail and consise storytelling. There are some really nice passages of discription; so far, the one that sticks out the most for me is the paragraph opening chapter 2 describing Caravel and its towers. Really lovely. But most importantly, you are concise with your narration as well; I can follow your characters and actions perfectly. While there are some things that are a mystery to me at this point, I'm quite sure most are supposed to be mysterious at this point (i.e. what evil might Anaron be up to? What do these three places: Caravel, Anaron, & nameless spider city that Lyanth live in-did this place have a name yet?; anyway, how are these places connected, etc. etc.). My point is, these questions are good and makes me just want to read more.
The only thing I did find a little confusing, which I think could use a little more embellishment is this strange spider city. I'm a little confused as to what task Lyanth was trying to accomplish. Was she trying to catch a spider? Was she attacked by a spider (I think that's what happened, but I'm not sure)? But if she's attacked by some spider, I guess there are also a bunch of tame spiders in the city that the people ride (kind of like horses?)? I think this is a very unique and interesting concept, and the only thing that would help improve this is to give the reader a little more information.
I also wanted to mention that in the short period of time that we've spent with the characters that have been introduced so far, we've gotten a nice glance at their personality. I am immediately sympathetic to Lyanth, and after his cold shell is peirced a bit Thanas obviously has a sweet side. I really like how you introduced Elthan's personality as well; my favorite line about him was: "It was obvious that this was a man whose exploits were far-reaching-and more obvious that he was well-aware of the fact."
Anyway, I'm off to read more, just wanted to leave some feedback as I was thinking of it.
4/15/2008 c3 2Ellieloo la Grimm
Aww :( Poor Imelda and Tercero. I really hope it works out for them. Congratulations on another great chapter! I can't wait for the next chapter :D
2Ellieloo la GrimmAww :( Poor Imelda and Tercero. I really hope it works out for them. Congratulations on another great chapter! I can't wait for the next chapter :D
4/12/2008 c2 Ellieloo la Grimm
From the start you had my full attention and I was drawn in deeply. I must admit I was a bit confused. Are you planning on explaining later on what as going on exactly? It all flowed very well and your characters are very realistic. Please update soon, I can't wait to read your next chapter!
From the start you had my full attention and I was drawn in deeply. I must admit I was a bit confused. Are you planning on explaining later on what as going on exactly? It all flowed very well and your characters are very realistic. Please update soon, I can't wait to read your next chapter!