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for December Heroes and Schoolyard Ghosts

5/21/2008 c2 19Rhea Valente
Hahaha, you are most definitely NOT crazy for writing it! I love the alternate perspective, best way for character development! Haz seems a little... hmm, well I'm not sure yet. I like Jack, though, big time. Seems so natural, the actions, the dialogue etc - it was good when this chappie began to overlap the previous. Really do see it from another perspective! Defo thumbs up. :) Well you've got me hooked now, added it to an alert list and I will be looking forward to the next chappie! Update soon.

~ Wolfeh (2.54 in the pm)
5/21/2008 c1 Rhea Valente


Wow. I adore this story, your writing style, the characters. You had me hooked from the first word, if I'm honest, and kept me all the way through. Characters are so believeable, I love you you take the mick out of mary sues and stereotypes... It's just perfectly written, I'm really wanting to read more! Lucky for me you've another chappie up, so I will return with another review when I've finished reading that!

~ Wolfeh (2.35 in the pm)
5/20/2008 c2 misery sister
Hmm.. I think I read this chapter already. Why'd you repost it? Cuz I thought that was against Fictionpress rules..
5/11/2008 c2 8D.E. Sinatra
Nice work here - seems to be very original and definitely is interesting. I like the way you write and the characters you've created are pretty interesting.

I'd like to see where this goes :D

5/8/2008 c2 3write-the-world
I like this chapter. Jack is a really fun nararator, as is Gemma. The whole chapter was hilarious and amusing to read. I especially loved how he says at the end that his sister has an obsession with anyone with a Y chromosome, when he is so clearly obessesed with girls. Hipocracy is part of human nature (a sometimes annoying but in this case funny part). I can't wait to read more of this story!
5/6/2008 c2 21Faith Adeline
I like this, has potential. Couple of things: I would put at the top who's pov it is and if it's earlier that day or something like that. And I would do the f-k, cause we can tell what it is, so just say the word. It's easier and looks better. Anyways, keep it up and update soon.

5/6/2008 c1 13SamanthaNicole
I think you have a really great opening here. Gemma (nice name, by the way) is really down to earth. I like characters that have flaws and aren't angelic and perfect.

And the neon hair? Love it. I had pink hair for a while, before I got my internship, and had to dye it back to normal. I like to live vicariously through characters, though, so thanks for providing that outlet ;-)

I wonder... Is it necessary to bleep out the swear? We all know what the word is, so you might as well just use the whole thing :-)

[it would have been more dramatic if I’d done so in slow motion– sometimes I really wish my life was a movie] I totally think the same thing! I'd also love a soundtrack that played, depending on my moods. THAT would be sweet.

[This time, I said all eight bad words. Still in my head, though. Don’t worry, I do have some restraint.] LOVED that line. Seriously.

Oh, sweet, sweet Wikipedia. I know professors warn against using it, but it has saved my life on numerous occasions.


I think the idea of Quinne being dead and trapped inside someone else's thoughts is really interesting. The POV switch kind of threw me at first, but after a paragraph or two I was so caught up in the new plot that it didn't even matter.

One thing really threw me for a loop, though.

[cars stopped and honking; my books scattered around her.]

Who is the 'my' you're referring to? If it's the woman whose thoughts Quinne later finds herself in later, I think you may need to make that more obvious. I had to re-read it quite a few times because I wasn't really sure where to go with it.

But besides that, I found the whole Quinne story really intriguing.

And I love your you brought to together with Gemma's story. Really, really clever.


A few minor things:

I noticed that you like to put periods inside the quotations when it should really be a comma, or left as a stand-alone phrase. For example:

[“That’s okay, chica. Chill.” a latina woman dropped to the floor next to me.] Okay, here you could do one of two things. You could either say: "That's okay, chica. Chill," a latina woman said, dropping to the floor next to me." OR "That's okay, chica." A latina woman dropped to the floor beside me to help.

[followed by the gently scraping of the blinds] I think you meant 'gently' here ;-)

[and come back from summer break a totally new gorgeous look.] I think you meant for the word 'with' to be placed between 'break' and 'a.'


This was really, really good. Definitely going to be adding it to my favorites. Thanks for the lovely read!


5/6/2008 c1 3write-the-world
Wow, I really like this story already! I was drawn in at first because of the title(I suck at those) and awesome summary, but your writing kept me on the page! Gemma is a great leading character(would she object to that term?. She's very real. And I love her neon hair. Quinne irritates me at the moment, but maybe that's intentional or maybe she'll grow on me. I'll definately be reading more (and reviewing!)

5/5/2008 c1 5SexyCinderella
I loved this. It's really original and truly well write. I want to know more about the Jones, so... Update soon! And I swear my review will be longer hehehehe.

4/11/2008 c1 akb-inactive
[But today was the start of a new version of Gemma Jones. Version 2.0.]

I was seriously cracking up at that. Hahha!

[Some people were giving themselves skulliosis...]

Haha, it's spelled scoliosis. :)

[Okay, I could’ve slapped myself a second later when I realized I’d been involuntarily reaching one of my own arms toward him.]

Hahhaha! Man, you add humorous situations really easily! :D

Great, great story. It's such a refreshing read after some... well, I don't want to say anything mean. Some just aren't as great as yours. Hahh, I'll leave it at that!
4/10/2008 c1 3Klytiea
This is excellent. Also the summary is excellent. That's about it. I used to have this policy of only reviewing if I had something constructive to say, but then I realized that reviews just make everyone feel great, so I've been trying to review all the things I like, but then I realize I have nothing to say and I have to ramble for a bit.
4/10/2008 c1 PromiseMetheMuseofNight
Oh my fucking goddess. That was awesome...I started it thinking, okay this'll probably be cool...when I got to the end, i want to click that nixt chapter button, but NO! However I was going to review anyways, but if there had been anothwer chapter that review would have been something like:"OMG, that was awesome. I'm going to read the next chapter. You are officially God.-Kismet." lol. That was REALLY awesome. like, I want to stop writing for ever and ever amen.


PSI read that you'll review or me since I reviewed for you(is it just me, or did that sound slightly dirty?) but I don't have a fictionpress account(yet), so, if you would be so kind, lol, maybe you could review one of my stories for fanfiction dot net? my sn is Gryffindor'sSlytherinPrincess, and seriously, the best one is "the Antics of Marco Polo in the Thriftway." THANKS! lol
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