
4/29/2008 c1
8zerreitug
I really like this poem,as a fan of Edgar Allan Poe myself,I see where you get your inspiration.
Overall it was very good,specialy since I could picture it all as it happened.
And there really wasn't anything I didn't like about it,except the fact that it says:
Then someone sent me a simple savior. then it says:
...a man crying at my heels.
it makes it seem like she needs him,but in the end it seems like he needs her.

I really like this poem,as a fan of Edgar Allan Poe myself,I see where you get your inspiration.
Overall it was very good,specialy since I could picture it all as it happened.
And there really wasn't anything I didn't like about it,except the fact that it says:
Then someone sent me a simple savior. then it says:
...a man crying at my heels.
it makes it seem like she needs him,but in the end it seems like he needs her.
4/24/2008 c1
26Misstress Nicole
I liked this. The line about 'burning liquid I've tried to hide so well' I took two ways. That they're tears (sadness/hurt) that you're tried to hide and alcholism that you've tried not to let anyone see. You don't want them to know you're problem.
Now the second part of the poem is something I've got ideas about but it's a toss up. Either you simple savior is someone you love but them giving up on you caused you to drink or that they saw the problem you had and wanted to help. And last but not least, as I've sat here and gone around in circles, this was someone that loved you but couldn't deal with the problem and gave you an ultimatum. I'd love to know your original idea behind it.
Overall I like this poem. I'm able to draw my own conclusions even if it's not your intended conclusion. In my opinion that's what makes a poem good.

I liked this. The line about 'burning liquid I've tried to hide so well' I took two ways. That they're tears (sadness/hurt) that you're tried to hide and alcholism that you've tried not to let anyone see. You don't want them to know you're problem.
Now the second part of the poem is something I've got ideas about but it's a toss up. Either you simple savior is someone you love but them giving up on you caused you to drink or that they saw the problem you had and wanted to help. And last but not least, as I've sat here and gone around in circles, this was someone that loved you but couldn't deal with the problem and gave you an ultimatum. I'd love to know your original idea behind it.
Overall I like this poem. I'm able to draw my own conclusions even if it's not your intended conclusion. In my opinion that's what makes a poem good.
4/16/2008 c1
18The Last Xu
It made more sense and seemed more poetic with the explanation you give, though I always believe poems should be able to stand without explanations.
I like the repetition of "just tell me you love me again" I don't quite like the parentheses...
I also don't like the "simple savior", it degrades the power of the man who saved his life. Also the hyphens are unnecessary, and the second to last line:
"I swear I don’t have to be here…"
I think you need to emphasize that more with an "even" before "have".

It made more sense and seemed more poetic with the explanation you give, though I always believe poems should be able to stand without explanations.
I like the repetition of "just tell me you love me again" I don't quite like the parentheses...
I also don't like the "simple savior", it degrades the power of the man who saved his life. Also the hyphens are unnecessary, and the second to last line:
"I swear I don’t have to be here…"
I think you need to emphasize that more with an "even" before "have".
4/14/2008 c1
30shutitoff
This poem flows really well except for the parts with ellipsis and brackets, they tend to break the rhytm. The choice of wording is appropriate and the explanation at the end helps the reader to understand the deeper layers beneath the simplicity. I liked the repitition of the line "Just tell me you love me again."

This poem flows really well except for the parts with ellipsis and brackets, they tend to break the rhytm. The choice of wording is appropriate and the explanation at the end helps the reader to understand the deeper layers beneath the simplicity. I liked the repitition of the line "Just tell me you love me again."
4/12/2008 c1
146Sexy Vampirechick
I like this poem.It's very interesting.I think the exclamtion mark after "no you're fading!" should be traded for eclipses (...),as I think it would've been a better effect.
And I think the line in the brackets "(This life's a living hell!) could be eliminated because as we can read the above we know that,so therefore not really necessary to state it so obvious.(Just my opinion,though,you don't have to follow).
Anyways,I enjoyed this one.Hope my suggestions helped. :)

I like this poem.It's very interesting.I think the exclamtion mark after "no you're fading!" should be traded for eclipses (...),as I think it would've been a better effect.
And I think the line in the brackets "(This life's a living hell!) could be eliminated because as we can read the above we know that,so therefore not really necessary to state it so obvious.(Just my opinion,though,you don't have to follow).
Anyways,I enjoyed this one.Hope my suggestions helped. :)
4/11/2008 c1
91fairytale failure
I'm wondering, why is this published twice? I thought the title and summary of 'Sequence' were more intriguing, and fit better with the poem. Also, you seperated it into stanzas in that version - I found it easier to read. However, the poetry is vague and without the brief summary you wrote as to who the characters are I would not have known anything about their background. It isn't necessary to provide background details and a story in the poem; however, I think it would be nice to give the reader a hint as to the setting - is he driving up to meet her at the hospital?
Your writing has effective description, and feels kind of suave and razor sharp because of the short, fragmented sentences. The first and last lines are great, I love the idea of someone appearing in sequence as they step out of the car or take off their clothing. The one thing I would suggest about it is at the end to put 'She smiles' after 'he appears in sequence', because then those lines will continue the backwards effect you have with thigh, calf, foot.

I'm wondering, why is this published twice? I thought the title and summary of 'Sequence' were more intriguing, and fit better with the poem. Also, you seperated it into stanzas in that version - I found it easier to read. However, the poetry is vague and without the brief summary you wrote as to who the characters are I would not have known anything about their background. It isn't necessary to provide background details and a story in the poem; however, I think it would be nice to give the reader a hint as to the setting - is he driving up to meet her at the hospital?
Your writing has effective description, and feels kind of suave and razor sharp because of the short, fragmented sentences. The first and last lines are great, I love the idea of someone appearing in sequence as they step out of the car or take off their clothing. The one thing I would suggest about it is at the end to put 'She smiles' after 'he appears in sequence', because then those lines will continue the backwards effect you have with thigh, calf, foot.