
10/9/2008 c1
11vrivasfl
I'm not sure if it was specified, but I don't think the relation between Jason and Sarah was solidified. At first, I felt he was her brother, but the sentiments shifting in her boyfriend about half-way down. If you did mention it, I'm sorry that I missed it.
I found the pace to be pretty good, but not perfect. The first flashback is a farewell to her mother. Then it shifts to Jason. I don't think the transition here was noticeable enough. Since she was still talking to a family member, I assumed that this was still part of the same memory and that Jason was also a member of her family.
Being a one-shot, this story is actually quite good in terms of plot. There isn't much I can say in this category. The plot structure in interesting and believable from beginning to end. Especially the poison.
I found the story to be very enjoyable, as a matter of fact. I found it quite easy to slip into her mindset and understand her action and why she did them. It might need a bit more revising for clarification purposes, but it is still a good read.

I'm not sure if it was specified, but I don't think the relation between Jason and Sarah was solidified. At first, I felt he was her brother, but the sentiments shifting in her boyfriend about half-way down. If you did mention it, I'm sorry that I missed it.
I found the pace to be pretty good, but not perfect. The first flashback is a farewell to her mother. Then it shifts to Jason. I don't think the transition here was noticeable enough. Since she was still talking to a family member, I assumed that this was still part of the same memory and that Jason was also a member of her family.
Being a one-shot, this story is actually quite good in terms of plot. There isn't much I can say in this category. The plot structure in interesting and believable from beginning to end. Especially the poison.
I found the story to be very enjoyable, as a matter of fact. I found it quite easy to slip into her mindset and understand her action and why she did them. It might need a bit more revising for clarification purposes, but it is still a good read.
5/11/2008 c1
5once rained for
Freebie for you!
First off, whoah. Just, whoah. Usually the genre of 'angst' would turn me away, but this was just so beautifully written, and very gripping. The plot, characterization, and format is wonderful. The overall execution is perfect, as is its flow.
This is very realistic, actually. The realization that this could be happening somewhere out there is giving me chills.
So...where was Jason in the beginning? Put at some asylum or something, or just at his home? It's not that clear, but since it isn't that much of an important detail I suppose it isn't much of a big deal either.
'I stood before the mirror earlier and made myself up; cleaned up the ragged mess I’ve been to try to bring myself together. But it didn’t work.' - She stood before the mirror *earlier*? If so, maybe it should be 'I'd stood' instead, for the tenses. And then make it 'But it hadn't worked'. Idk. xD;
Does she regret her decision? That's still a bit hazy to me, but it might just be me. Overall, amazing job. Keep it up!

Freebie for you!
First off, whoah. Just, whoah. Usually the genre of 'angst' would turn me away, but this was just so beautifully written, and very gripping. The plot, characterization, and format is wonderful. The overall execution is perfect, as is its flow.
This is very realistic, actually. The realization that this could be happening somewhere out there is giving me chills.
So...where was Jason in the beginning? Put at some asylum or something, or just at his home? It's not that clear, but since it isn't that much of an important detail I suppose it isn't much of a big deal either.
'I stood before the mirror earlier and made myself up; cleaned up the ragged mess I’ve been to try to bring myself together. But it didn’t work.' - She stood before the mirror *earlier*? If so, maybe it should be 'I'd stood' instead, for the tenses. And then make it 'But it hadn't worked'. Idk. xD;
Does she regret her decision? That's still a bit hazy to me, but it might just be me. Overall, amazing job. Keep it up!
4/22/2008 c1 snowdance
Great story. It was a little hard to catch onto but it's really good! Please add more!
Great story. It was a little hard to catch onto but it's really good! Please add more!
4/22/2008 c1
2dragonflydreamer
Wow. This is simply amazing! I've never come accross a story quite like this, either plot-wise or format-wise. The plot was very intriguing; it really captures the readers attention and keeps them hooked the entire time. The format was just beautiful. It started out very normal and collected, then broe down along with her. I loved the parts towards the end where it was switching between the current time and her flashbacks/the letter. My only question is: did she die at the end? Of course she dies, because she drank the poison, but you ended it so abruptly that I'm not quite sure whether or not it was that moment that she died. It would have been nice if you made that a bit clearer and perhaps extended it a bit. Regardless, I really loved this story. I will deffinately add this to my favorites list!

Wow. This is simply amazing! I've never come accross a story quite like this, either plot-wise or format-wise. The plot was very intriguing; it really captures the readers attention and keeps them hooked the entire time. The format was just beautiful. It started out very normal and collected, then broe down along with her. I loved the parts towards the end where it was switching between the current time and her flashbacks/the letter. My only question is: did she die at the end? Of course she dies, because she drank the poison, but you ended it so abruptly that I'm not quite sure whether or not it was that moment that she died. It would have been nice if you made that a bit clearer and perhaps extended it a bit. Regardless, I really loved this story. I will deffinately add this to my favorites list!
4/18/2008 c1
4Imalefty
review game! :)
wow, that was definitely a moving piece. so sad... (sad isn't even a word to describe it. i can't find a word to describe it, so sad will have to do. XD)
great job with the narration... in the beginning, she seems almost normal. i wasn't sure what was wrong with her, or why she seemed kind of depressed. i really liked how the narration became vaguer and more delirious as her condition deteriorated.
also, alternating between her memory and the present was really effective - it definitely connected me with the narrator and let me experience what she was experiencing. :) and i noticed that she was progressively sadder as she was dying...
does she actually die? the ending was so abrupt, i really wanted more. (i don't think that more would be fitting, but still) it was really a nice ending, actually... XD
anyway, great job! :) keep writing!
-Lefty
ps: i just realized that you reviewed one of my pieces from way back when... XD i've never run into someone on this site like this... glad you found the review game! :D

review game! :)
wow, that was definitely a moving piece. so sad... (sad isn't even a word to describe it. i can't find a word to describe it, so sad will have to do. XD)
great job with the narration... in the beginning, she seems almost normal. i wasn't sure what was wrong with her, or why she seemed kind of depressed. i really liked how the narration became vaguer and more delirious as her condition deteriorated.
also, alternating between her memory and the present was really effective - it definitely connected me with the narrator and let me experience what she was experiencing. :) and i noticed that she was progressively sadder as she was dying...
does she actually die? the ending was so abrupt, i really wanted more. (i don't think that more would be fitting, but still) it was really a nice ending, actually... XD
anyway, great job! :) keep writing!
-Lefty
ps: i just realized that you reviewed one of my pieces from way back when... XD i've never run into someone on this site like this... glad you found the review game! :D
4/16/2008 c1 Divine Macabre
This story was intriguing. I really liked how the writing started very coherent and then began to break down, mirroring the narrator's fading reality as she died.
One minor note, "The bracelets that decorate my wrist clack together in pretty clinking noises..." Someone once told me that words create sounds. The image of the bracelets clacking together already produces it...so I think stating the 'clinking' becomes redundant.
Anyway, thanks for sharing.
This story was intriguing. I really liked how the writing started very coherent and then began to break down, mirroring the narrator's fading reality as she died.
One minor note, "The bracelets that decorate my wrist clack together in pretty clinking noises..." Someone once told me that words create sounds. The image of the bracelets clacking together already produces it...so I think stating the 'clinking' becomes redundant.
Anyway, thanks for sharing.
4/12/2008 c1
4B. J. Winters
I read this one twice. I liked it better on the second pass, finding that I'd missed a few details. The change of location and time line caught me up initially. My feedback would be to work the transitions just a little - a sentence or two extra perhaps. Dorm, class room, back home, Tues, Friday, last week - it was a bit too much for me.
That said, I did enjoy the prose and how they flowed. The subject matter disturbed me as I suspect was intended. Good work

I read this one twice. I liked it better on the second pass, finding that I'd missed a few details. The change of location and time line caught me up initially. My feedback would be to work the transitions just a little - a sentence or two extra perhaps. Dorm, class room, back home, Tues, Friday, last week - it was a bit too much for me.
That said, I did enjoy the prose and how they flowed. The subject matter disturbed me as I suspect was intended. Good work
4/12/2008 c1
7Angelic Swordsman
Wow... That such a sad story. I think i actually fill depressed a little and that rare for me. Well i can tell you put alot into this story; althought it leave something to be desire. Like for example what event led up to the main character's boyfriend killing himself? I think it could be a little longer buth that just my opinion.
I really hope the main character didn't go to hell I don't thinks she deserve it. Overall it well written and I enjoyed reading it. I hope it to be longer as I'm curious as to why Jason killed himself.

Wow... That such a sad story. I think i actually fill depressed a little and that rare for me. Well i can tell you put alot into this story; althought it leave something to be desire. Like for example what event led up to the main character's boyfriend killing himself? I think it could be a little longer buth that just my opinion.
I really hope the main character didn't go to hell I don't thinks she deserve it. Overall it well written and I enjoyed reading it. I hope it to be longer as I'm curious as to why Jason killed himself.
4/12/2008 c1
31ByYourSide
AIE! *sob*
Story extremely well-written, original in my opinion-that is, never read anything quite like it or with nearly the same style-and incredibly, incredibly, sad.
...(She didn't really go to Hell, did she? No! I liked the main character!-and that's rare, for me.)...
I'm a bit confused about how she died, though. Was it shock? That note would've put me into shock too. It's so... very sad. And very good job.
*favorites*

AIE! *sob*
Story extremely well-written, original in my opinion-that is, never read anything quite like it or with nearly the same style-and incredibly, incredibly, sad.
...(She didn't really go to Hell, did she? No! I liked the main character!-and that's rare, for me.)...
I'm a bit confused about how she died, though. Was it shock? That note would've put me into shock too. It's so... very sad. And very good job.
*favorites*