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for Dust

4/17/2010 c1 12lianoid
This is a very interesting way to start your story. It definitely peeks my curiosity. On the other hand, I find it slightly unrealistic for someone to swear, or behave so – shall we say – casual, with a person who’s interviewing them.

Paragraph beginning with: “It’s the combination of feeling and seeing...” – The second line doesn’t quite make sense to me. “...we aren’t sure the term got there, exactly.” I think you may be missing a word. Twelfth paragraph(line), fourth sentence: “Each of our organization’s members can sense them, with all of their senses.” Perhaps change the first “sense” to “feel”.

Excellent finish. Certainly leaves the reader wanting more. I would like to know more about how the main character is feeling though. This is quite the topsy-turvy situation and although he admits to being fearful, I don’t really feel it. Perhaps add a bit more inner dialogue or description. Other than that, fantastic job.
8/21/2008 c5 JaveHarron
A bit of cool history here. So when are we going to hear more about sorts of extra-ds?
8/20/2008 c5 MelodramaticFool
interesting and yet odd! :3 awaiting next chapter.
8/20/2008 c5 dreamshell
Finally, another chapter. The Sentries' backstory is interesting, and I'm curious about finding out what 'Namabisayat' means. But you better not wait forever again till you post the next chapter. ;)
6/3/2008 c4 MelodramaticFool
Hm seems interesting! Compulsion part is def. weird...xD Wouldn't it be funny if one of them had a compulsion like hm playing with a yo-yo? hehe Just curious have you ever seen Everybody Loves Raymond? Well i can't wait for your next chapter!
6/3/2008 c4 JaveHarron
It seems there are no periods or commas here in the quotes. Perhaps it's a formatting error?
5/3/2008 c3 10Crownbreaker
Interesting. I would think that the Sentries would be rather unenthusiastic about their jobs, considering they're all essentially conscripted.
5/3/2008 c3 JaveHarron
So the kid's been through quite a lot. So all the Sentries are pretty fucked up, hopefully?
5/1/2008 c1 Crownbreaker
Looks good so far. Its nice to see a good supernatural/urban fantasy as opposed to emo vampire crap.
4/19/2008 c2 dreamshell
Seems like Jave's obsession with guns and martial arts is maybe rubbing off on you? Or it's a gag. Or you're pandering. XD As well, looks like you got some inspiration from John Dies at the End, huh? And probably a few other things.

Anyways, looks cool! I wanna read more of this. One question, though; what about those two urinal-goers? I wonder how they reacted to a young man and an older one fighting each other and then what I presume is an invisible monster...

Keep writing! =D

4/17/2008 c2 JaveHarron
Interesting premise for a story. What sort of guns does Dustin use? Also, noticed a possible error in the last line: "a metal door with a digital lock beside it."

Was that digital clock?
4/11/2008 c1 3Beast King
You've done awesome in this! I love stories about things only certain people can see.

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