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for Roses

5/18/2008 c1 15miscellanea
I especially like the concept of smashing roses, because unlike a lot of other flowers, roses will scatter everywhere when they are crushed. I love your subtle rhyme and also how you place your words to create an image of weeds growing.

I get from the words that you are trying to convey a certain darkness, but from your mention of roses in the beginning, I immediately think sunshine and colors. The one thing I might do is to flip the color scheme around by adding a line that makes the time of day apparent. (I know you say night, but maybe a mention of 'dark' or something might help convey your mood.) Sorry, that was really kind of opaque and strange for critisism. You don't have to change anything, it's just me. Great piece, anyhow.

5/9/2008 c1 i-want-2-delete-my-account
I really like this!

Liking the use of roses, stars and a hidden sun!
4/14/2008 c1 14Thoughtful Silence
Whoa, I really loved the rhythm and rhyme structure to this, it was very well done. The imagery is effective (roses usually are) and the word choice of 'stamping' and 'trampling' in the first line was good. Loved how the last line retained a sense of fragile hope, like the fragile beauty of the rose itself... pretentious, I know, but it’s what I perceived :). Anyways, keep up the good work!

4/12/2008 c1 12Esther Jade

I really like this poem. One of the things that really appeals to me about it is the use of rhythm and rhyme. It's very deft. The first line starts off with such great rhythm and then the almost-rhyme in the first two lines works well. I love the way you hide the rhyme in the next two lines in the middle of the lines. And then the last line just lies alone, with no rhythm and no rhyme. No frills, no fuss, with the rhyme and rhythm being stripped away in echo of the roses and dreams that have been trampled.

And that leads me to the next point. I really like the images. You open with roses and you end with weeds. Lovely. Each image you introduce expands on the story of the poem and is well-connected to the main body of the poem.

The word choice is also good. The poem is very clear. I like the "stomping" and "trampling" in the first lines. I also like the "twinkle" for the stars. The stars are just shining on and it's just the sun which has been affected. It changes the usual tendency to make the stars the fellows of romance and the sun the baleful one that always comes up. I also like the way you use "expectations" and "hopes" in the second to last line.

So, overall, I really enjoy this piece.
4/12/2008 c1 24a certain slant of light
I really like it. Love it, actually. It's really beautiful. I find beauty in "the midst of a patch of weeds".
4/11/2008 c1 62Kiwi-kiwi6
"But some might mind beauty in the midst of a patch of weeds." I love that! It's kind of hard to understand, though. Is it a poem or a paragraph. Maybe consider editing.

4/11/2008 c1 17Azena Kira
I really liked the main point of the poem. I thought it was great. The only thing that confused me a bit was the layout... How you had such long lines and what-not. Other than that I loved it.

Keep up the writing. =]


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