
5/1/2014 c1 Slytherinjunky
That was amazing. When I finished I just sat there staring at the screen. I can't even... I love stories like this.
That was amazing. When I finished I just sat there staring at the screen. I can't even... I love stories like this.
7/3/2010 c1
70-C.L.A.M.-0
I love how it's written,
at the beginning especially.
Through the stalker's eyes.
Beautiful. Makes me think
of one of my own terrors.

I love how it's written,
at the beginning especially.
Through the stalker's eyes.
Beautiful. Makes me think
of one of my own terrors.
12/19/2008 c1
15Call This Number
this is going in my favourites. it's the perfect mix of depravity and tragedy, exactly what you want from a horror story. sorry for the short review, but i need to find out if you've written any others now.

this is going in my favourites. it's the perfect mix of depravity and tragedy, exactly what you want from a horror story. sorry for the short review, but i need to find out if you've written any others now.
10/11/2008 c1
2N.J Robinson
Dude this story rocks.
Your characters seem very well-developed. Each of them have very distinct personalities and interact beautifully. Each of their individual voices show really clear. Like the attacker has a creepy tone while Charlotte comes of as clearly being scared. And the pace of the story really kept up with the way the story was unfolding. When the attacker was narrating it was fast to show that he really meant business. And I think it really fit with the fear factor that you were trying to achieve. And oh man the plot. I loved it. I'm a fan of schizophrenia and multiple personalities so this was like my ideal story. You really pulled off the disorder really well. Overall, I really, really liked this story. It was fun and drew me in from the first sentence. I just have one question. Did Charlotte drive naked? Oh and in the ending, I think you should have the doctors try to resuscitate Charlotte because it just seems not like a doctor to just let a patient die like that.

Dude this story rocks.
Your characters seem very well-developed. Each of them have very distinct personalities and interact beautifully. Each of their individual voices show really clear. Like the attacker has a creepy tone while Charlotte comes of as clearly being scared. And the pace of the story really kept up with the way the story was unfolding. When the attacker was narrating it was fast to show that he really meant business. And I think it really fit with the fear factor that you were trying to achieve. And oh man the plot. I loved it. I'm a fan of schizophrenia and multiple personalities so this was like my ideal story. You really pulled off the disorder really well. Overall, I really, really liked this story. It was fun and drew me in from the first sentence. I just have one question. Did Charlotte drive naked? Oh and in the ending, I think you should have the doctors try to resuscitate Charlotte because it just seems not like a doctor to just let a patient die like that.
7/31/2008 c1
1GraphiteSkies
Wow, this is a fantastically twisted story. You make everything entirely believable and yet utterly fantastic, and the bitter but relieving ending is just so...perfect. I loved it, and I can't wait to check out the rest of your fiction!

Wow, this is a fantastically twisted story. You make everything entirely believable and yet utterly fantastic, and the bitter but relieving ending is just so...perfect. I loved it, and I can't wait to check out the rest of your fiction!
5/31/2008 c1 Tawny Owl
I really enjoyed reading this. The opening line was a really good hook, and there are lots of twists all the way through it. I really like the way you build suspense in the first section as well, how you drop hints that the attacker isn't exactly 'normal' but we don't find out exactly waht s going on until the doctor is talking to her mother. I didn't find the last section as captivating though, it didn't have the tension and build up of the first one, or the action of the second when Charlotte crashes. I really liked this though, I liked your writing style and description.
I really enjoyed reading this. The opening line was a really good hook, and there are lots of twists all the way through it. I really like the way you build suspense in the first section as well, how you drop hints that the attacker isn't exactly 'normal' but we don't find out exactly waht s going on until the doctor is talking to her mother. I didn't find the last section as captivating though, it didn't have the tension and build up of the first one, or the action of the second when Charlotte crashes. I really liked this though, I liked your writing style and description.
5/30/2008 c1
5LizardtheScribe
This was absolutely captivating, from the 'attacker's' hunt to the unfolding questions. This piece makes the reader ask what is really happening as one is immersed in the psychological states of each of the narratives. Okay, constructive criticism time: the sentence "Tears shot down her cheeks in torrents as she tried to reject the images, mumbling no, no, no under her breath, slamming on the breaks and the accelerator, losing some of her vision to the blinding, salty water rising in her eyes, screaming as she swerved and crashed through the side rails and into the ravine nestled menacingly beside the highway." is certainly intoxicating in the sense of one losing themselves in the action, however, it could be separated by something other than just commas. Halfway through the sentence, the reader may almost be lulled into a state of 'just reading' instead of actually taking in the words. Try to split up the sentence in a way that doesn't sacrifice the fluidity of the piece while, at the same time, keeps the intrigue of the action going. Extremely well done.

This was absolutely captivating, from the 'attacker's' hunt to the unfolding questions. This piece makes the reader ask what is really happening as one is immersed in the psychological states of each of the narratives. Okay, constructive criticism time: the sentence "Tears shot down her cheeks in torrents as she tried to reject the images, mumbling no, no, no under her breath, slamming on the breaks and the accelerator, losing some of her vision to the blinding, salty water rising in her eyes, screaming as she swerved and crashed through the side rails and into the ravine nestled menacingly beside the highway." is certainly intoxicating in the sense of one losing themselves in the action, however, it could be separated by something other than just commas. Halfway through the sentence, the reader may almost be lulled into a state of 'just reading' instead of actually taking in the words. Try to split up the sentence in a way that doesn't sacrifice the fluidity of the piece while, at the same time, keeps the intrigue of the action going. Extremely well done.
4/15/2008 c1
9Otseis Ragnarok
Here's your freebie:
That was great! The sex scene was just so...Good!
It was exactly what I was looking for. Then the mental aspect of all this... wonderful!
One question, though: Why was she on a pacemaker? She had heart toubles? Seems a little odd, but if it works for your ending, I'm not going to split hairs...
Great job, btw, and I plan on reading more of your stuff as soon as I get the chance.

Here's your freebie:
That was great! The sex scene was just so...Good!
It was exactly what I was looking for. Then the mental aspect of all this... wonderful!
One question, though: Why was she on a pacemaker? She had heart toubles? Seems a little odd, but if it works for your ending, I'm not going to split hairs...
Great job, btw, and I plan on reading more of your stuff as soon as I get the chance.
4/13/2008 c1
16Cheeseraptor5
Excellent work with this. Unlike other FP stories, I read this one slowly and out-loud, and I enjoyed every bit of it. Rape done well, I think - and with a (slightly cliche, but acceptable) twist thrown in there for good measure.
Could absolutely see this as a short film, actually. Exact same dialogue at the beginning, just as a voiceover as the rape is going on.
Ending was good, but would have liked a more "holy fucking shit", Twilight-Zone-esque twist. But that's just me. Definitely a new favorite of mine, nice work.

Excellent work with this. Unlike other FP stories, I read this one slowly and out-loud, and I enjoyed every bit of it. Rape done well, I think - and with a (slightly cliche, but acceptable) twist thrown in there for good measure.
Could absolutely see this as a short film, actually. Exact same dialogue at the beginning, just as a voiceover as the rape is going on.
Ending was good, but would have liked a more "holy fucking shit", Twilight-Zone-esque twist. But that's just me. Definitely a new favorite of mine, nice work.
4/13/2008 c1
11Distilledfx
Wow this is definitely not what I was expecting. I was confused about the POV until you explained the multiple personalities thing. I was a little worried during the first part because I thought the man might be a vampire... but the story continued, even leading me to believe that the doctor was the man from the dream periodically.
This is the main twist I think, you have taken the overly cliche'd, "and they woke up and it was all a dream" thing and turned it into something which pushes the story. I was thinking about doing this with my own story, Conditional Love, because someone asked if I would continue it. This part could have been bad but you handled it with the care which was necessary, instead making us feel sorry for her and convinced that it wasn't a dream, and that the man had left her in the bed.
One thing I didn't really like was all the description at the beginning. I understand that M is the highest rating you can put on here, but it's borderline pornographic. While this makes us hate the man and underlines that she enjoys the night terrors to some degree, it is excessive and takes away from the atmosphere.
Another area which could do with improving is at the very end. It shifted quickly (which is what would have happened in the situation) but it needed more suspense and description. While he is a doctor and might be numbed to this sort of thing a little, I felt like it was lacking the terror which you showed us so well in the second section (where Charlotte crashes).
Your writing was great, but I did notice a few errors:
"Oh, no, my little water bug. You aren’t escaping this time." I think there is maybe one too many commas here. Maybe "Oh no, my little water bug."
"mumbling no, no, no under her breath, " Should the "no, no, no" be speech?
"sent to a home to retrieve special treatment and attention.” This should be "receive"
Overall a great piece of writing which didn't so much contain one twist as many great plot twists which really didn't leave a lot of room for your audience to try and predict what was going to happen to Charlotte. Your characters were real enough, for the short story genre this is doubly hard. I enjoyed reading this, it wasn't simply a vehicle for violence or twists, you just have to cut back on the explicit stuff right at the beginning.

Wow this is definitely not what I was expecting. I was confused about the POV until you explained the multiple personalities thing. I was a little worried during the first part because I thought the man might be a vampire... but the story continued, even leading me to believe that the doctor was the man from the dream periodically.
This is the main twist I think, you have taken the overly cliche'd, "and they woke up and it was all a dream" thing and turned it into something which pushes the story. I was thinking about doing this with my own story, Conditional Love, because someone asked if I would continue it. This part could have been bad but you handled it with the care which was necessary, instead making us feel sorry for her and convinced that it wasn't a dream, and that the man had left her in the bed.
One thing I didn't really like was all the description at the beginning. I understand that M is the highest rating you can put on here, but it's borderline pornographic. While this makes us hate the man and underlines that she enjoys the night terrors to some degree, it is excessive and takes away from the atmosphere.
Another area which could do with improving is at the very end. It shifted quickly (which is what would have happened in the situation) but it needed more suspense and description. While he is a doctor and might be numbed to this sort of thing a little, I felt like it was lacking the terror which you showed us so well in the second section (where Charlotte crashes).
Your writing was great, but I did notice a few errors:
"Oh, no, my little water bug. You aren’t escaping this time." I think there is maybe one too many commas here. Maybe "Oh no, my little water bug."
"mumbling no, no, no under her breath, " Should the "no, no, no" be speech?
"sent to a home to retrieve special treatment and attention.” This should be "receive"
Overall a great piece of writing which didn't so much contain one twist as many great plot twists which really didn't leave a lot of room for your audience to try and predict what was going to happen to Charlotte. Your characters were real enough, for the short story genre this is doubly hard. I enjoyed reading this, it wasn't simply a vehicle for violence or twists, you just have to cut back on the explicit stuff right at the beginning.
4/13/2008 c1
1Evera19
Alright, I would first of all like to say that this had an amazing ending, it all fits in so well. I especially loved when the doctor said he wasn't sure that she was put out of her misery. It's unsettling and it really fits well with a horror theme.
It was really typical in the fact that it was a mentally unstable person and the doctors dont believe that what their seeing is real. In some ways you portrayed that she was actually mentally unstable, but in other ways it seems like she might be sane.
Overall I thought that you had a good plot, it was well executed, and it didn't really have any grammatical errors that I could pick out.
It didn't drag on and it was easy to read, nicely done.

Alright, I would first of all like to say that this had an amazing ending, it all fits in so well. I especially loved when the doctor said he wasn't sure that she was put out of her misery. It's unsettling and it really fits well with a horror theme.
It was really typical in the fact that it was a mentally unstable person and the doctors dont believe that what their seeing is real. In some ways you portrayed that she was actually mentally unstable, but in other ways it seems like she might be sane.
Overall I thought that you had a good plot, it was well executed, and it didn't really have any grammatical errors that I could pick out.
It didn't drag on and it was easy to read, nicely done.
4/13/2008 c1
31ByYourSide
I really like your style-and the fact that none of your stories seem to have anything less than a bitter end. ^^
*fave author*
I like the different viewpoints. It shows it from all angles and really completes the story-I love the doctor's medical excuse that we receive right after Charlotte insists the man is really real.
I'm torn between 1) hating the doctor for his uber-scientifical night terrors explanation, and 2) thinking Charlotte is just crazy in the head. (The rapist certainly SEEMED real... *sob*)
But that doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for Charlotte! She is such a sympathetic character-you're good at creating those.
And, of course, the bittersweet end.
Well-written, as always! Some of the best stuff I've read on this site!

I really like your style-and the fact that none of your stories seem to have anything less than a bitter end. ^^
*fave author*
I like the different viewpoints. It shows it from all angles and really completes the story-I love the doctor's medical excuse that we receive right after Charlotte insists the man is really real.
I'm torn between 1) hating the doctor for his uber-scientifical night terrors explanation, and 2) thinking Charlotte is just crazy in the head. (The rapist certainly SEEMED real... *sob*)
But that doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for Charlotte! She is such a sympathetic character-you're good at creating those.
And, of course, the bittersweet end.
Well-written, as always! Some of the best stuff I've read on this site!
4/13/2008 c1
6asylum writer
Review game.
This is very well written. Your word choice and descriptions were excellent. I saw no spelling, grammar, or punctuation mistakes, a welcome change from a lot of things on fictionpress.
The characterizations were great. My personal favorite point of view was the antagonist's. You used three different points of view and made it work without it being confusing.
Really, I have no complaints and can't think of anything to tell you for improving this.
Oh, and Haunted - great song.

Review game.
This is very well written. Your word choice and descriptions were excellent. I saw no spelling, grammar, or punctuation mistakes, a welcome change from a lot of things on fictionpress.
The characterizations were great. My personal favorite point of view was the antagonist's. You used three different points of view and made it work without it being confusing.
Really, I have no complaints and can't think of anything to tell you for improving this.
Oh, and Haunted - great song.
4/12/2008 c1
4B. J. Winters
I thought I'd return the favor and read one of your stories. This one caught my eye as being reviewless so I started here.
I can see why you call it "complete" but I also see potential for the story to continue if the muse strikes you. I like both the characterizations of the tortured Charlotte as well as the Doctor. You have a strong villian as well, and the rationale proposed by the doctor (which I won't post here for spoilers) was unexpected, and refreshing.
I wasn't sure why the pacemaker...I see that as a device for people who need their heart to be started. Given the scope of the accident, the need for such a thing threw me.
Your have an ability to provide a very vivid picture and play into the nightmarish fears of all of us. You also can craft in both third and first person which is unique - most of us tend to favor one over the other.
Keep writing.

I thought I'd return the favor and read one of your stories. This one caught my eye as being reviewless so I started here.
I can see why you call it "complete" but I also see potential for the story to continue if the muse strikes you. I like both the characterizations of the tortured Charlotte as well as the Doctor. You have a strong villian as well, and the rationale proposed by the doctor (which I won't post here for spoilers) was unexpected, and refreshing.
I wasn't sure why the pacemaker...I see that as a device for people who need their heart to be started. Given the scope of the accident, the need for such a thing threw me.
Your have an ability to provide a very vivid picture and play into the nightmarish fears of all of us. You also can craft in both third and first person which is unique - most of us tend to favor one over the other.
Keep writing.