for Black Wire Engine6/14/2008 c1 
36SEMMU
Very fresh and unique! Good job. I like how you're in-and-out of rythem, rules be damned. I feel rules are restrictive, too.
Two lines really caught my eye, meaning they contain special value too me:
"The black wire engine can run its destruction
With an innocent heart as its coal-"
Very good. Write on!
36SEMMUVery fresh and unique! Good job. I like how you're in-and-out of rythem, rules be damned. I feel rules are restrictive, too.
Two lines really caught my eye, meaning they contain special value too me:
"The black wire engine can run its destruction
With an innocent heart as its coal-"
Very good. Write on!
4/13/2008 c1 65Nemonus
Good! I really like the last six lines, which seem to explain what's going on. A story surfaced as I read them. The imagery of black wires carries through nicely and gives this a tinge of wierdness. There was a dawning, vivid picture of a frightening city. I can't say I like the use of the ellipses; I'm not sure what they're supposed to evoke besides hesitancy. Otherwise, pretty good.
65NemonusGood! I really like the last six lines, which seem to explain what's going on. A story surfaced as I read them. The imagery of black wires carries through nicely and gives this a tinge of wierdness. There was a dawning, vivid picture of a frightening city. I can't say I like the use of the ellipses; I'm not sure what they're supposed to evoke besides hesitancy. Otherwise, pretty good.
4/12/2008 c1 59Tranquil Thorns
I love the idea.
A maze, a city of black wires where everyone who enters gets lost. Pretty awesome. (:
I especially liked the line 'With an innocent heart as its coal'. I'm not sure why, but I pictured a furnace full of burning hearts. The one mistake I think I caught was in 'Isn’t it lovely, out city of wires', where I think you meant 'our' instead of 'out'?
Great job!
59Tranquil ThornsI love the idea.
A maze, a city of black wires where everyone who enters gets lost. Pretty awesome. (:
I especially liked the line 'With an innocent heart as its coal'. I'm not sure why, but I pictured a furnace full of burning hearts. The one mistake I think I caught was in 'Isn’t it lovely, out city of wires', where I think you meant 'our' instead of 'out'?
Great job!