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for Deity and Chocolate Covered Strawberries

10/11/2008 c1 6Heart of The Tainted
Nice approach to at commonly used elements. I like how everything tied together rather nicely. The way the girl suicided herself into the ocean so everything would unravel, the way she is cursed to see the man everyday. No coincidence at all. Everything is carefully calculated.

Your portrayal of a goddess is very refreshing. It's not arrogant, untouchable, or vain as one's average god would be. The goddess' character is very easy to related to and is enjoyable to read. It sucks how it all went down for her.

Plot wise, I like how there is a lesson to be learned from your tale. Over indulgence and carnal sin shall lead to one's down fall. (or something like that) The story seems to be a warning really to others about the nature of sin and how anyone is suspectable to its lures.

I like the way you arranged your paragraphs. The technique you used is rather effective to get the points across. The paragraphs with the most OOMPH! to them are the shortest paragraphs.

After all, I am one.

I committed adultery.

Without over doing it, you are able to drive the point home. Overall a nice story to read. I recommend it to anyone.
4/24/2008 c1 6lamia morosa
OMG This is amazing! This so sounds like something i would write...lol! good job and keep up the good work!

Lamia morosa
4/15/2008 c1 5Deimus Maxiran
Review game!

This is good work for a very, very short story. Although it does feel sort of like one big info dump :P.

The plot is interesting but if you are basing this in any sort of roman or greek mythology then the plot doesn't really fit. I'm no expert on mythology but I'm fairly sure adultery was rampant among the gods, especially Zeus. Ignoring this though and just looking at your story as making its own mythology the plot is entertaining but would be much better as a longer story, which I do hope you do.

The characters are weak. We only really get to know one, the speaker. I don't think you even gave her a name, which isn't necessarily a bad thing if it serves a purpose but as far as I can tell in this story it doesn't. Also the main character is just telling a story, other than her weakness for the other sex we don't get a sense of who she really is or what she's about. The other characters are also so minor that we get little information on them.

I could find no spelling or grammatical errors in your writing. Then again I myself am terrible at both so if there were any it's no surprise I didn't see them :P. Regardless this is a small piece of work but it's still good that you made sure to keep it as error free as possible.

Overall I found the story enjoyable. In my mind I considered what you have here as a outline for what could become a much longer and more detailed novel. Give the main players of the the story vibrant personalities, play up the terribleness of adultery and add any other things you think the reader may like.
4/14/2008 c1 4Imalefty
review game freebie! :)

hm... interesting conception of "gods and goddesses." i definitely wouldn't have thought of them in that way... really creative. :)

another unique idea... the whole "marriage" thing... and i see you tie it in to lust quite well.

wow, that's like getting drunk! XD i think you could probably craft a whole story about that... goddesses who take humans bodies... so that instead of getting drunk and forgetting, they're possessed for a night and forget the next morning. XD

what a sad story. T_T it was really creative (as i've said before) though i think it would have been more effective if you expanded it and made it into a full length story. (or at least a sizeable one-shot) as it is now, it makes me want something more... like... more about the goddess' life, what she did on earth, why she fell in lust with that man. you know... details.

so please... WRITE THOSE FANTASY NOVELS! and then post them on FP. and THEN let me know. :)

in the meantime... keep writing!

-Lefty

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