for Voices8/10/2008 c1 
23fatbird33
oo i really enjoyed this! i never knew that food could be so poetic and deep.
23fatbird33oo i really enjoyed this! i never knew that food could be so poetic and deep.
5/17/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
The colon in the first stanza seemed odd... wouldn't a comma be better?
Does defying them make them stronger?... the repetition of them. Maybe Does defiance make them stronger?
It's interesting that you capitalize all the food. I'm not sure if I like it or not, but it is interesting lol. The whole voices thing was also interesting, but it kind of confused me. I couldn't tell if they were other's voices telling you you were fat, etc. or your own voices or both. Also, the beginning in present tense makes it seem like you do hear the voices, but at the end it was past tense. That confused me a bit. I was also confused with the doughnuts, sushi thing. Basically the piece sounded really interesting and I loved the second to last stanza because I understood it and it made a great point, but I got lost with the rest. That might be more me than the piece though.
612simpleplan13The colon in the first stanza seemed odd... wouldn't a comma be better?
Does defying them make them stronger?... the repetition of them. Maybe Does defiance make them stronger?
It's interesting that you capitalize all the food. I'm not sure if I like it or not, but it is interesting lol. The whole voices thing was also interesting, but it kind of confused me. I couldn't tell if they were other's voices telling you you were fat, etc. or your own voices or both. Also, the beginning in present tense makes it seem like you do hear the voices, but at the end it was past tense. That confused me a bit. I was also confused with the doughnuts, sushi thing. Basically the piece sounded really interesting and I loved the second to last stanza because I understood it and it made a great point, but I got lost with the rest. That might be more me than the piece though.
4/24/2008 c1 26Misstress Nicole
I like the overall feel of the poem and the meaning behind it. The voices would be in your own head? Is it the your own conscience feeding your shame and low selfesteem?
You lose the easy flow just a tad at the strength point. Or I guess I could take that as the place where it the flow shifts just a bit. It's nothing big as it doesn't take away from the feel. But in the last line I'd add 'too.' It seems incomplete without it.
26Misstress NicoleI like the overall feel of the poem and the meaning behind it. The voices would be in your own head? Is it the your own conscience feeding your shame and low selfesteem?
You lose the easy flow just a tad at the strength point. Or I guess I could take that as the place where it the flow shifts just a bit. It's nothing big as it doesn't take away from the feel. But in the last line I'd add 'too.' It seems incomplete without it.
4/23/2008 c1 102Midnight In Eden
Review Game.
One thing that jumps out at me instantly, both aesthetically and rhymically, are line lengths of the first and fourth stanza. They both feel like they should be four lines cut at "Danish/down", "voices/that", "chocolate,/washing" and "night/with".
Also, the semi colon at the end of the first line of the second stanza is misused - it should be a comma (although I'd prefer an "and"). I'm thinking that the "the" on line three of the third stanza should be "they"? In terms of tenses as well, the "be drowned" feels like it should simply be "drown".
Aside from this nitpicks I like the honesty of this. It's something a lot of women can empathise with and you detail this very well - I particularly like the capitals for emphasis (I rarely see them used so well).
Nicely done =]
Midnight
102Midnight In EdenReview Game.
One thing that jumps out at me instantly, both aesthetically and rhymically, are line lengths of the first and fourth stanza. They both feel like they should be four lines cut at "Danish/down", "voices/that", "chocolate,/washing" and "night/with".
Also, the semi colon at the end of the first line of the second stanza is misused - it should be a comma (although I'd prefer an "and"). I'm thinking that the "the" on line three of the third stanza should be "they"? In terms of tenses as well, the "be drowned" feels like it should simply be "drown".
Aside from this nitpicks I like the honesty of this. It's something a lot of women can empathise with and you detail this very well - I particularly like the capitals for emphasis (I rarely see them used so well).
Nicely done =]
Midnight
4/17/2008 c1 13Shasta Valentine
i have SO much to say about this poem.
what a different perspective,
subject,
and format.
i like it very much.
however, the ending confused me a little.
great job though, although im sure you already know that!
-sv
13Shasta Valentinei have SO much to say about this poem.
what a different perspective,
subject,
and format.
i like it very much.
however, the ending confused me a little.
great job though, although im sure you already know that!
-sv
4/16/2008 c1 31writingxonxwalls
Wow. Very interesting. I loved the topic you choose... and how nicely you worded it... like, you didn't say it out right, but by the end I knew exactly what you were talking about. Great job. My only thing, why were the words of food capatalized?
-Brittany
p.s. review game (:
31writingxonxwallsWow. Very interesting. I loved the topic you choose... and how nicely you worded it... like, you didn't say it out right, but by the end I knew exactly what you were talking about. Great job. My only thing, why were the words of food capatalized?
-Brittany
p.s. review game (: