
4/18/2008 c1
28Jennifer Leigh
Okay, so here's what I liked:
The story was great, if a little Lolita-esque (Lolita is a book, by the way; don't ever read it; it's creepy)
Good description (I liked that you didn't use typical descriptions; eg, "the way she danced to bops and beats was like a fierce wind")
The characters felt real, and the narrator was believable.
Here's what I DIDN'T like (and should come as no surprise):
IT WAS DEPRESSING! I hate it when main characters die. Even if it's just a short story, no one is supposed to die!
Anyway, just a word of advice - do not put a comma before an 'and' unless you are separating two complete sentences. "I told her about my lack of friends, and abundance of acquaintances" - No comma necessary. Abundance of acquaintances. Not a complete sentence. Certain liberties can be taken for the sake of art, but as a grammar freak, that one kinda bugs me.
So, my own personal feelings about how a story should or should not end aside, it was very good. Congrats, sis. You can write a short story. Just add about twenty more of those, and you'll have a book!

Okay, so here's what I liked:
The story was great, if a little Lolita-esque (Lolita is a book, by the way; don't ever read it; it's creepy)
Good description (I liked that you didn't use typical descriptions; eg, "the way she danced to bops and beats was like a fierce wind")
The characters felt real, and the narrator was believable.
Here's what I DIDN'T like (and should come as no surprise):
IT WAS DEPRESSING! I hate it when main characters die. Even if it's just a short story, no one is supposed to die!
Anyway, just a word of advice - do not put a comma before an 'and' unless you are separating two complete sentences. "I told her about my lack of friends, and abundance of acquaintances" - No comma necessary. Abundance of acquaintances. Not a complete sentence. Certain liberties can be taken for the sake of art, but as a grammar freak, that one kinda bugs me.
So, my own personal feelings about how a story should or should not end aside, it was very good. Congrats, sis. You can write a short story. Just add about twenty more of those, and you'll have a book!
4/17/2008 c1
27Edensong
Ah, wow. I feel like I just watched a tape of someone's life playing. What a beautiful story. I love that, even though it isn't told through her eyes, it's Everest's story. Keep writing. I loved it. The only thing that threw me off was reading 'bops and beats' at the beginning. The slang kind of made me cringe.

Ah, wow. I feel like I just watched a tape of someone's life playing. What a beautiful story. I love that, even though it isn't told through her eyes, it's Everest's story. Keep writing. I loved it. The only thing that threw me off was reading 'bops and beats' at the beginning. The slang kind of made me cringe.