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for Redeeming Molly Price

8/27/2008 c4 24Jenni Mills
You HAVE to finish this story - I'm sorry, but you have to. I'm aching to know what will happen. How did Simon go from annoyed friend to smiling man? What is at the mission? Tell me how Molly is important and describe the last days OR SOMETHING! Just finish it!

You have a gift fior writing, really you do!
8/27/2008 c2 Jenni Mills
He noticed her as shot a glance at him ... huh?

For a second there I thought Simon might be gay. Oh wait. I can't jump to any conclusions. I'd better read the next chapter.
8/27/2008 c1 Jenni Mills
Simon is an integral part of what THAT mission has become.”

Whatever fancies you,

What ever takes your fancy?

Anyway, great beginning. I'm off to read part two. You have a very captivating style.
5/28/2008 c4 criti-sized
I felt this chapter had a bit of humor and seriosness mixed in it. In a lot of ways, I'm like Molly, a real pessimist when it comes to revelations, and other religious things... I wouldn't be able to tell you why, lol.

And Simon comes into the picture finally. Hopefully in the next chapter it'll have something with him in it- I'm betting it will.

5/25/2008 c4 3Mercyette
Review for the Review Game's Review Marathon! (link in post)

Oh, what a great way to end the chapter. I think this is my favorite chapter so far. You really gave us some insight as to how Simon felt about his father and you did a great job of showing how his anger at God can be justified. I really liked that. ^.^

Another positive: I really like how you have made Thomas so well-rounded. It seems like he's learned a lot since he first talked to God, which makes the reader want to know more about his past. Great job on that.

You might want to consider editing a bit before you post your chapters. I saw a couple grammar and formatting errors, but nothing really big. Thought I would point it out to you.

I look foreward to future posts!
5/25/2008 c3 Mercyette
Another nice chapter. I would get annoyed having Molly around if I were Thomas. She seems like such a know-it-all. Then again, I think that's why you picked a character like her. Anyway, I like the note on which you ended the chapter.

I got a little confused towards the end of the chapter, especially after the voice sounded. I never caught where it was coming from. Also, if someone said I was going to die if I moved closer, I think I'd be turning around pretty quickly. Just something you might want to edit a bit on when you get the chance.

Reading on...
5/25/2008 c2 Mercyette
Contrary to what you said in your author's note, I think you did a lot better trying to depict the different scenes in this chapter than you did in the previous one. Good job with that. I also like how you give the reader subtle hints as to what will happen next. Keeps us wanting more!

Another positive: I really like the length of your chapters. You seem to give us the necessary amount of detail without really making the chapter extremely long. Great job.
5/25/2008 c1 Mercyette
Review fot the Review Game's Review Marathon! (link in lookup)

I like how you introduced Thomas and his personality without him even saying much. The reader seems to know so much about already and you never even wrote from his perspective. That takes talent. Great job with that.

You might want to be a little clearer on how Molly is involved with Thomas. Some people might be a bit confused by that. I had to read it over again before I figured everything out. Just thought I'd point it out.

Moving on...
5/22/2008 c4 4under the influence
Good chapter...as usual...

the end was a bit confusing however...at a couple of points, it was hard to tell who was talking and the whole Mary Sue/book thing was completely lost on me. The exchange between Simon and Thomas lost me a bit too.

You're really doing a good job with getting the chapters out...I'm impressed!
5/20/2008 c3 criti-sized
Back again.

[Including the body hair; there was hair just about everywhere.] Why is it acceptable for men to have body hair, and it's a tirn off when it comes to women? How unjustified, ^_^

Interestng chapter. The exchange between Molly and Thomas was interesting. But what I liked the most about this chapter was the part with Simon. It made sense what he was saying about Shannon not believing Thomas, lol. It's always the ones that think they're true believers that doubt the truth.

Awesome chapter.

5/20/2008 c2 criti-sized
Last night I tried to review and was ablt to complete the entire review, but it didn't go through... That sucks more than I think it sucks.

[“I didn’t bring you here for coffee; it’s bad for you.] What? Coffee's not bad, at least for people that are addicted to it, like myself, lol.

Rule number one in the relationship book. If your other doesn't want to always hang around with your friend, it's for a reason. Of course, though luckily not all relationships are like that.

[“And Molly? Don’t interrupt me again.”] Lol, the last guy that said something similar to that to me got more than a frigid stare.

Well, I have to agree with your other reviewer it wasn't jumpy. Sure the scenens jumped, but it made sense. For a second chapter, it's definitely going somewhere already.

5/20/2008 c3 under the influence
interesting...definitely looking forward to the next chapter :)
5/19/2008 c2 under the influence
yay! an update!

this chapter didn't seem jumpy to me, but then again, I think I need to re-read the first chapter. I forgot everything that happened. lol

'He said in his shrill voice'...from the way you 'talk' about Marco, I'd expect him to have a rough, deep voice (it seemed to me that maybe English is not his first language?)...not a shrill old lady's voice...

'“Oh goodness, I’m so sorry!” Molly put her scone down and wiped her mouth with a napkin. “That was totally involuntary—these scones; they’re like heaven!”'...what happened? Did she spit her scone out and some of the partially chewed pieces landed on Thomas' face?

As always, looking forward to the next chapter! :)
4/27/2008 c1 146Sexy Vampirechick
Here are some minor mistakes:

"She probably thought that he had lied about his visions, or conversations (of) the divine Creator."

"“Bon-bon?” He offered, holding out the bowl of candle that sat next to the lamp." This part got me confused.I thought bon-bon was candy in French.O_o a bowl of candles?ok,if you say so.

"Thomas had always been drawn to [women] cold and frigid women—he figured it had something to do with his mother." You can take out the first women.

"“Guy’s just watch your mouths okay?” Mr. Garber said without once glancing in our direction. “Now why—why does it do that? I give up...”" Should take off the apstrophe(is that how you spell it?) from Guy's and make it Guys.

Not that I had a problem (with) that; girls thought that I was cute, and if I ever got into any trouble Simon had my back—,[this part sounded weird,maybe you should change the wording]-in which case his age, size and general aggressive nature came in handy.

Ok,to tell you the truth I didn't really get what the story's going about.But I like the third section the best.It had great humor.
4/23/2008 c1 4under the influence
wow...I like this...A LOT-update SOON!

I only saw a couple of things...

“Will you on with your story?” - think you forgot the 'go' before on

'You’re way to tense.' - should be 'too'

I'm impressed :)
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