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for Fairies Lament

5/24/2011 c1 8Adrenalin
It's a bit of a shame that you didn't separate your poem in different stanzas. As it is, it's rather long and the format makes it difficult to read, especially when associated with the centered and double-spaced text.

I liked the subject and some of your imagery, especially at the beginning: [Wings that glitter in the light. /

Water drops like little diamonds /

Caught glistening in my hair.]

The rhythm is nice here (though I'm not so sure whether I really like the water drops/diamonds metaphore)

[For 'twas you who tore off our wings.]

That last line bugged me a little. I couldn't think of any reason why the language would suddenly change in such a way when there was no sign of such peculiarism before.
5/24/2011 c1 119SomeRandomScribbles
This is a fantastic piece :) Your descriptive writing is beautiful - especially "Water drops like little diamonds/ Caught glistening in my hair." The rhyme scheme works very well too - the childlike theme builds up the fairytale theme, which really makes a contrast with the dark message of the piece and builds it up.

A bit of proof-reading would help this piece a lot, as it is dotted with occasional grammar errors, such as "shy's" and "Those things there are...".

"For 'twas you who tore off our wings." - a truly stunning final line.
4/20/2008 c1 103Jesse the Storyteller
Oh this poem has so much potential for greatness! :D I've never thought of the idea that the world is beginning to die because the people have gotten rid of the fairies. That's a cute, fantastical, magical way of explaining why we should help the environment haha! I like it.

"At sight of all the evil in you.

As the last light does leave the sky"

These two lines have a rough rhythm, though... and if I were you, I would have said like "At [the] sight.." and "As the last light [leaves the evening] sky". That way the wording isn't so awkward because you're trying to make it fit the rhythm. :)

Also, "slowely" doesn't have that extra e in it. It's just slowly.

I wish that you had explained more of what the people are actually doing... like describe it - are they cutting down the forests, covering the gardens with concrete... or is it just that they are using each other and taking all the magic out of the world.. is it that no one believes anymore? What is it that they're actually doing - I'd like to see a few lines protraying that. :D

And the last line needs another word in it, because it's kind of hard to understand with the odd grammar... maybe like "For 'twas you who tore off our wings"... but then it doesn't fit. Maybe take the For out? "'Twas you who tore off our wings". Or something.

I think this is a great idea for a poem, though. I never would have thought of it! :)

-Jesse

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