for Well, Doctor5/8/2008 c1 scarlet stars
Gah! Review Marathon prize-
Ok,
first...LOVE the vocabulary! It makes your poem so much more...intense and intriguing I guess!
Second...I really like the line at the end...completely random, but as a reader, I didn't know if it belonged to the poem or not. Might want to clarify that!
But anyways, congrads and sorry that you are getting this a wee bit late! I didn't realize the deadline was so soon!
Gah! Review Marathon prize-
Ok,
first...LOVE the vocabulary! It makes your poem so much more...intense and intriguing I guess!
Second...I really like the line at the end...completely random, but as a reader, I didn't know if it belonged to the poem or not. Might want to clarify that!
But anyways, congrads and sorry that you are getting this a wee bit late! I didn't realize the deadline was so soon!
5/7/2008 c1 
103Jesse the Storyteller
Yay for winning the review marathon!
Is the last line a part of the poem? 'Cause it's a really cool random line there.
Very odd poem, but it's quirky in a good way. I like the line "stifled like a Victorian" as it brings about an awesome image (and kind of a creepy one since you're in a hospital), and I love how you threw in the word "vital" in the list of what you were compared to the elderly. This line, "I was to decompose, a masterpiece going backward" is simply amazing. :D
"Childyears" isn't a word, and it's an odd phrase... "Childhood years" would have been easier to understand and would flow better with "pastel paint of childhood years", in my opinion.
I like this. :D Good job!
-Jesse
103Jesse the StorytellerYay for winning the review marathon!
Is the last line a part of the poem? 'Cause it's a really cool random line there.
Very odd poem, but it's quirky in a good way. I like the line "stifled like a Victorian" as it brings about an awesome image (and kind of a creepy one since you're in a hospital), and I love how you threw in the word "vital" in the list of what you were compared to the elderly. This line, "I was to decompose, a masterpiece going backward" is simply amazing. :D
"Childyears" isn't a word, and it's an odd phrase... "Childhood years" would have been easier to understand and would flow better with "pastel paint of childhood years", in my opinion.
I like this. :D Good job!
-Jesse
4/30/2008 c1 rassoodock
your writing is just...calming. it's out there. it's different. the subject matter should make a person upset, but it doesn't. it relaxes me. it's rare, but quite welcomed.
your writing is just...calming. it's out there. it's different. the subject matter should make a person upset, but it doesn't. it relaxes me. it's rare, but quite welcomed.
4/24/2008 c1 31writingxonxwalls
Your vocabulary throughly amazes me. "nostagia", "Entity" "manacles" "caricatures" Gah! It's all to much. (:
Your imagery is also fabulous. "Oh, sweet it was, like Lazarus' rebirth"... wowza. I love how you can put things like that but still have your poem flow wonderfully!
Great job! Brittany
ps. this review and the review on "Suicide Postit" are for winning the review marathon! great job!
31writingxonxwallsYour vocabulary throughly amazes me. "nostagia", "Entity" "manacles" "caricatures" Gah! It's all to much. (:
Your imagery is also fabulous. "Oh, sweet it was, like Lazarus' rebirth"... wowza. I love how you can put things like that but still have your poem flow wonderfully!
Great job! Brittany
ps. this review and the review on "Suicide Postit" are for winning the review marathon! great job!
4/24/2008 c1 4Mary Chrys
WINNER'S REVIEW NUMBER TWO
Well, I did like how this is a different opinion than the 'health and beauty' thing... most people are rather glad for their health and beauty, so it was interesting to think about it a different way. The only thing I didn't like was the way you spelled "piers". Because in that context, it is "peers". (:
4Mary ChrysWINNER'S REVIEW NUMBER TWO
Well, I did like how this is a different opinion than the 'health and beauty' thing... most people are rather glad for their health and beauty, so it was interesting to think about it a different way. The only thing I didn't like was the way you spelled "piers". Because in that context, it is "peers". (:
4/24/2008 c1 8C.M.F Wright
And... your second prize review (from me, that is)!
You seem adept at tackling unusual/unique subject matter, which is wonderful. This poem's theme was refreshing and very well handled... kudos for that!
where, stifled like a Victorian, my piers - I think you meant "peers"
desire respiring through me, as if alive. - This line doesn't really make sense to me, even making allowances for artistic license. It sounds like you're trying to say that she will be filled with desire (or desire will have taken her over) but the way you've worded it is a bit confusing, especially the 'as if alive' part. And then the following lines - As if a foreign entity that shall be prized/away from me, like from those wizened people - felt kind of choppy until I realized that they were a continuation of the previous phrase.
Even then, however, I think the wording is slightly bewildering and disrupts the flow of the poem. By "away from me" are you saying that desire can only be prized when it's not a part of the narrator? But then you add "like from those wizened people" - referring to the old nostalgics, which doesn't really make sense to me since they are no longer young or "desired"... maybe I'm just being thick here (it's been a long day) but I really don't understand what those two lines are trying to say.
I really loved the fourth and fifth stanzas, however: beautiful. Putting the poem in second person was also a stroke of brilliance; it really brings the point across.
This line:
"that I was to decompose, a masterpiece going backward" struck me as a little strange. After thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that you meant being broken down into the simplest elements, before (for instance) being put on canvas and turning into a masterpiece. Still, you typically think of decomposing as a process occurring in the future, rather than "going backward". A little iffy on your word choice here.
But excellent job with the final two lines; they wrap up the poem really well. Nice!
8C.M.F WrightAnd... your second prize review (from me, that is)!
You seem adept at tackling unusual/unique subject matter, which is wonderful. This poem's theme was refreshing and very well handled... kudos for that!
where, stifled like a Victorian, my piers - I think you meant "peers"
desire respiring through me, as if alive. - This line doesn't really make sense to me, even making allowances for artistic license. It sounds like you're trying to say that she will be filled with desire (or desire will have taken her over) but the way you've worded it is a bit confusing, especially the 'as if alive' part. And then the following lines - As if a foreign entity that shall be prized/away from me, like from those wizened people - felt kind of choppy until I realized that they were a continuation of the previous phrase.
Even then, however, I think the wording is slightly bewildering and disrupts the flow of the poem. By "away from me" are you saying that desire can only be prized when it's not a part of the narrator? But then you add "like from those wizened people" - referring to the old nostalgics, which doesn't really make sense to me since they are no longer young or "desired"... maybe I'm just being thick here (it's been a long day) but I really don't understand what those two lines are trying to say.
I really loved the fourth and fifth stanzas, however: beautiful. Putting the poem in second person was also a stroke of brilliance; it really brings the point across.
This line:
"that I was to decompose, a masterpiece going backward" struck me as a little strange. After thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that you meant being broken down into the simplest elements, before (for instance) being put on canvas and turning into a masterpiece. Still, you typically think of decomposing as a process occurring in the future, rather than "going backward". A little iffy on your word choice here.
But excellent job with the final two lines; they wrap up the poem really well. Nice!
4/24/2008 c1 12Esther Jade
Well done on winning the RM and achieving legendary status. Here is my second review.
I liked that the piece was quite unusual in the theme that it addressed. It was also quite obnoxious which it probably had to be to address this issue but there was something a bit jarring about it. I couldn't quite if I liked the tone or not.
In some ways, the emotional development of the poem was a bit obtuse. One minute like it felt she was exultant and the next it felt like she was depressed. This may be deliberate but I thought the answer to the question "what is wrong" could either be "nothing" or "isn't it obvious? I'm going to lose all this".
First stanza: The colon doesn't feel like it's being used correctly.
Second stanza: I think you mean "peers" not "piers" in the second line but, if so, then I don't really get why as it sounds like it's all old people in the waiting room. Perhaps its ironic but I wasn't sure.
I like the way you used "gallows" instead of "executioner" in the third line. It brought more attention to the image.
"pull" felt like a bit of a weak word choice in the fourth line. In the fifth line, I found that "green and rotted" was a strange combination as "green" implies a young plant and "rotted" makes me think of an old one.
The end of the seventh line feels like it needs some punctuation.
And, I'm about to lose power, so I'll leave it at that. I had the most to say about the second stanza, anyway ;)
12Esther JadeWell done on winning the RM and achieving legendary status. Here is my second review.
I liked that the piece was quite unusual in the theme that it addressed. It was also quite obnoxious which it probably had to be to address this issue but there was something a bit jarring about it. I couldn't quite if I liked the tone or not.
In some ways, the emotional development of the poem was a bit obtuse. One minute like it felt she was exultant and the next it felt like she was depressed. This may be deliberate but I thought the answer to the question "what is wrong" could either be "nothing" or "isn't it obvious? I'm going to lose all this".
First stanza: The colon doesn't feel like it's being used correctly.
Second stanza: I think you mean "peers" not "piers" in the second line but, if so, then I don't really get why as it sounds like it's all old people in the waiting room. Perhaps its ironic but I wasn't sure.
I like the way you used "gallows" instead of "executioner" in the third line. It brought more attention to the image.
"pull" felt like a bit of a weak word choice in the fourth line. In the fifth line, I found that "green and rotted" was a strange combination as "green" implies a young plant and "rotted" makes me think of an old one.
The end of the seventh line feels like it needs some punctuation.
And, I'm about to lose power, so I'll leave it at that. I had the most to say about the second stanza, anyway ;)
4/20/2008 c1 5notazombie
I think you mean "peers" instead of "piers" :P
lol... I like how the doctor at the end is all "What's wrong with you?" I also really like how her personality comes across-kind of like she's full of herself, with this "I'm so pretty everybody loves me" kinda attitude. It's difficult being perfect.
-Naz, with the April Review Marathon
5notazombieI think you mean "peers" instead of "piers" :P
lol... I like how the doctor at the end is all "What's wrong with you?" I also really like how her personality comes across-kind of like she's full of herself, with this "I'm so pretty everybody loves me" kinda attitude. It's difficult being perfect.
-Naz, with the April Review Marathon