for Organised Crime4/25/2008 c1 
1artificial destiny
Even when she was playing a role to get some information
(kind of awkward)
at first its kind of slow and not very well connected, but then it picks up and gets pretty good.
Rose shrugged and began to walk past with what she thought was a nonchalant swagger.
loved it till the last word (swagger = too masculine i think)
really like the dialogue. it helps to pick things up.
alot of good writing
im being harsh xD sorry
-artificial destiny
1artificial destinyEven when she was playing a role to get some information
(kind of awkward)
at first its kind of slow and not very well connected, but then it picks up and gets pretty good.
Rose shrugged and began to walk past with what she thought was a nonchalant swagger.
loved it till the last word (swagger = too masculine i think)
really like the dialogue. it helps to pick things up.
alot of good writing
im being harsh xD sorry
-artificial destiny
4/24/2008 c1 22andrhars
'Sup?
I'm sorry for the delayed reading (to be quite frank, this one wasn't quite in-depth either). I'm running quite a tight schedule these days, and it doesn't leave much time for reading (or writing, as I'd rather do than prepare for exams, but we can't all have what we want, I guess). In fact it was quite superficial.
I don't see anything glaringly wrong in this story - a good thing. The story is (so far) interesting - a good thing.
I really want to read it when I'm more concentrated and not in a rush - a good thing.
Two things bother me, though.
1. Rose. You say her name a few too many times, at least in the beginning. If it's intentional, it's cool, but if it's not...well, you can break up with a "she" every once in a while, you know?
2. Details. I love your attention for details, and even more that you're good at writing them, but it can get a bit too much. Maybe shorten them a bit (not drastically, of course, but just a bit).
As I said, this is a really superficial read, and I'll be back with more detailed and relevant feedback.
-Andy
22andrhars'Sup?
I'm sorry for the delayed reading (to be quite frank, this one wasn't quite in-depth either). I'm running quite a tight schedule these days, and it doesn't leave much time for reading (or writing, as I'd rather do than prepare for exams, but we can't all have what we want, I guess). In fact it was quite superficial.
I don't see anything glaringly wrong in this story - a good thing. The story is (so far) interesting - a good thing.
I really want to read it when I'm more concentrated and not in a rush - a good thing.
Two things bother me, though.
1. Rose. You say her name a few too many times, at least in the beginning. If it's intentional, it's cool, but if it's not...well, you can break up with a "she" every once in a while, you know?
2. Details. I love your attention for details, and even more that you're good at writing them, but it can get a bit too much. Maybe shorten them a bit (not drastically, of course, but just a bit).
As I said, this is a really superficial read, and I'll be back with more detailed and relevant feedback.
-Andy
4/21/2008 c1 1soojinyeh
allright, RG!
huh I wonder what she's getting all dressed up for? oh I see...playing a role...
A little too detailed for my taste, she seems to go into detail about every little thing...
Not into dialogue, are you? i just got to the first line of dialogue...and it's "Hi"...
..Honestly I've never heard of a gang getting together in a library to do anything, but I guess it's different in Liberty City...is that a real city?
All in all, it's interesting. Good job-further luck in your future writing.
1soojinyehallright, RG!
huh I wonder what she's getting all dressed up for? oh I see...playing a role...
A little too detailed for my taste, she seems to go into detail about every little thing...
Not into dialogue, are you? i just got to the first line of dialogue...and it's "Hi"...
..Honestly I've never heard of a gang getting together in a library to do anything, but I guess it's different in Liberty City...is that a real city?
All in all, it's interesting. Good job-further luck in your future writing.