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5/24/2008 c1 4Imalefty
straight from the review marathon! (link on my profile)

wow, this is pretty depressing. it's a sad story of what the future COULD be like...

i like how you split up the sections with headings... and how each heading is an element. :) it makes it more interesting and you've transitioned smoothly from one image to the next.

there are a few awkward sentences... "Noses curled and heads trying to get the smell out of their noses." - the repetition of "noses" was a little weird... and how do heads try to get the smell out?

"With the fall of the planet not like a living hell," - i think you mean... "not UNlike."

i would suggest reading your piece aloud - it'll help you find some of the awkward wording. :)

other than that, good job! keep writing!

-Lefty
4/21/2008 c1 4Decoris Verbum
An thought-provoking, quick read. It sounded rather poetic to me; you get that image of watching a movie where it fades into a scene...then fades out...fades in...fades out. Cool idea.

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