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for The Seven Deadly Sisters

4/27/2009 c4 15Greenery
I like that you have the whole family go with Medaerus. It's unexpected and it creates a humorous atmosphere, though still I want to whip the sisters more than anything.

You refer to hair as a "curtain" a bit much. Sounds a lil redundant, especially when there are so many words you could use.

I like that Rachel kicks ass lol. That was a cool turn.
4/27/2009 c3 Greenery
Their reason for taking off seems a little odd. But then, I guess they really *didn't* think stealing that orb through. It just comes off as a rather tenuous excuse to get them on an adventure. My reaction would probably just be to hide it and hope I could explain myself to the mage.

Type: “You—bound and gag them." = bind and gag.

and something about this line "Shrieking, she flung herself to her stomach, albeit the mud that smeared across the front of her dress" seems a little weird. I don't think "albeit" is being used correctly. I think you mean something along the lines of "even though" or "despite that." "Albeit" is interchangeable with "even if/though" and "even if the mud that smeared across the front of her dress" doesn't make sense as a sentence.

And I kinda doubt an arrow would take off a patch of hair. Most likely it'd go straight through or get caught and stop, perhaps pulling out a few strands but nothing significant. But I never shoot at peoples' hair with my arrows, only gold targets, so I could be wrong. :)
4/27/2009 c2 Greenery
Interesting. I wonder what the orb is that they obtained, and if they had any reason for selecting it. You're missing a closing quotation mark in: "Selena does things like this!

I wish I had Medaerus's ability to shut out noise. That would be awesome. Anyhoo, good chapter. I like what it reveals to us about Selena. She's def the only tolerable sister so far.
4/27/2009 c1 Greenery
Pretty well written. A bit overdone here and there, but nice. You portray the girls very well, in their *utter* bratiness. Damn, if I were there mother I think I'd forget about my disapproval of corporeal punishment and whip their asses. I wonder at Medaerus having the suffix of "the Wise" at only 25 (or so), if he really is that age. He must be very talented.

One thing: grandeur is a noun. So the phrase "grandeur lodgings" doesn't really work.

Nice work though.
2/11/2009 c1 1Haze Wolf-son
That was very interesting, I'll enjoy to see which sister will make the biggest fool of her self and if she is the one to clame the power.
1/30/2009 c8 28mikey magee
Opening: The opening lines were absolutely beautiful. You used nice images and clever wording to paint a wonderful picture. "The clouds were pregnant with rain." Gorgeous!

Technique: I love your use of metaphors. They were each very clever and good on their own. But some of them sounded a little bit off, like they were not right for the specific setting.

Ex: "like an ill-wishing person attempting to sell you candy." This was good, but it kind of gave me a modern day image. Maybe change "candy: to "apples" or you could play into the fairy tale motif, "Sell you apples like the ones snow white was unfortunate enough to taste." Or something like that, haha.

Other: In this chapter, you tend to use the elipse a lot. That's fine but when you over do it, it kind of makes the sentence seem a little bit incomplete. Just a quick dash will do the trick. (I tend to overuse the elipse to, so don't worry too much about it.)

Ending: I liked the ending of this chapter. Ending it with the beginning of dwarf's story was nice. I think it added a on to the fairy tale motif somehow. It just felt right. And what was better was that you made head way with the dwarf's character. Nice job.
1/30/2009 c7 mikey magee
Grammar/Spelling: "with a deep shudder. She slipped out of bed," sentence fragment. Get rid of the period and add a comma.

Character: I liked the character of Clementine. She slowly seems to be changing with each chapter. How she decided to do something that was out of character, i.e. deciding to go into the observatory. It was very nice to see your characters change. It adds a nice realism to them.

Writing: Your writing was nice, but a few more things would be nice and bring it to another level. For example, when you wrote that Clementine was "in hysterics" I couldn't get a nice feel for it. Maybe have a little bit more description about her body language, hands moving, mouth wide open. etc.

Dialog: I liked the dialog of Icharius. It was nice to see his voice in so many different tones, first from calm to worried to nurturing to a little tense. Very nice!

Plot: I like where the plot is going, and how everything has led up to this point. How at first they met the so called apprentice how the others got lost, and how all of them met the wizard. I would like there to be a little bit more mention of him. They way we left his arc with the dwarf was a bit of a shock. What I'm really interested in is how you're going to tie all of the subplots together.
1/30/2009 c6 mikey magee
Grammar/Spelling: "two of their number were lost" change "number" to "numbers"

"They hadn't ever stepped a foot outside of their farm" You probably meant for the sentence to be like this, but it read a little awkward. Maybe change "ever" to "even"

Writing: I think you should try to add a little more description. It was hard to picture the things that were supposed to be important. For example, "There it was, in all its magnificence: the tower of the warlock Icharius." I couldn't really feel it's "magnificence". Was it beautiful? Scary? Did it have pointed flags or gargoyles. Or when you wrote about the dragon, "Its dangerous looking eyes." Try and describe that a little more, maybe a few sentences about it's color, or what it smelled like.

Dialog: As always, your dialog read very nicely. I liked the line "Dozing off never brought back loss offspring" It made me chuckle and it was true to the mother's character. And you also added in some dialect as well, "Well, wand'ring damsel" It read very well and you didn't over do it.

Ending: The ending was nice for this chapter. I liked the reunion of Sindra and Icharius. It was a good way to characterize both of them. I might have missed this part, but I'm not quite sure what their relationship is as of yet. It's still shrouded in mystery and that's something that I really want to know about.

Techniques: I liked your use of personification in the opening. It was very creative and added a nice depth. Furthermore, I liked how you coupled your phrases with metaphors, ex: "a wake of depression". It was nice because, even though I didn't feel the depression, I could see a good picture in my head.
1/28/2009 c8 S.C. Riley
For chapters six, seven, and eight, I have very little criticism. The characters are coming through well, and the plot seems to be blossoming to much more than previously expected. You're doing excellently, and I suppose the only criticism I can offer right now is to check up on your clarity of description. I had this issue when they blew the wall out of Med's bedroom, and again when you described Clem in the observatory. I had no clue as to how she had made the transition sneakily from the door to the bookcase, and at the bookcase, I wasn't sure how exactly she was hiding. Just something to think about.

Oh, and by the way, I've noticed that you've tried to put dashes in before quotes, resulting in the quotation mark getting turned backwards. (Example: "...thankful n—“) This is a slight glitch in the way Word works, so to get the quotation to face inwards as it should, do the following: Type your dash, but instead of a quotation, put a single letter, then the quotation mark. The quotation mark will then be facing the right way, and all you have to do is delete the single letter.

Other than that, though, you continue to entice. I look forward to more.

Keep up the hard work!


explain the d thing
1/27/2009 c8 Fractured Illusion
Review Game!

Just jumping in on this chapter.

"although they seemed pregnant with rain"

I like this description! It's unique and I have never thought of clouds being pregnant with anything before haha.

"She jerked bolt upright."

I don't really understand this sentence. I think it would be better if you picked either jerked or bolted because together it doesn't make sense. Ie, She bolted upright.

"Minutes passed, and, somehow, both managed to"

Using the word "somehow" lessens the credibility of whatever action that happened "somehow". Somehow implies lazy thinking. It doesn't say how something got about to happen, it just say that SOMEHOW it did, which isnt really a good way to phrase it. Maybe

"Minutes passed and with struggle both managed to"


"Leaning back in her chair, the dwarf toyed with her beard"

The female dwarf has a beard? O_O Wow. Haha. Well at least it's a unique take on dwarves haah. I still think it's mighty weird though. Not sure I like it.

The overall writing is nice. You offer descriptions and don't rely on it to be cliché. I do advice to keep an eye on your adverbs though so they don't become too many.

1/27/2009 c6 6Josephine Sawyer
Hooray! Sindra is finally coming into the limelight! I am thrilled with that, and thrilled that there is something about her daughters that she knows and doesn't share after all. I also enjoyed what small amount of Icharius' character I can tell from his messy observatory.

However, if Sindra knows Icharius so well, why did she ever believe that he had taken an apprentice? Why did she not question Medaerus earlier, and expose him, for the protection of her daughters if nothing else?
1/27/2009 c5 Josephine Sawyer
Selena puzzles me. While I think that it is good that she is not simply defined by sloth, I find it more difficult to understand where the changes in her personality come from. Rachel, on the other hand, is well done - her loneliness and the necessity for keeping her temper provide the impetus for change. I appreciated Selena's observation in this chapter that Rachel "looked so much more beautiful when she wasn't angry." the exposition on the fact that none of the sisters are particularly ugly, but for their specific sin, is also a nice touch.

I don't really know what to make of the Med sections. My first reaction was not one of surprise that he was a con; on the other hand I am uncertain what being a fraud adds to his character.
1/26/2009 c4 Josephine Sawyer
I enjoyed the fact that Sindra followed Medaerus to retrieve her daughters, because it shows a certain strength of character. On the other hand, her surprise at Selena's activity puzzles me; I felt like in the previous chapter she knew more than she was letting on and to reveal that she doesn't was a bit of a disappointment to me.

Gabriel seems to be evidence of a more complicated plot acting; which could either be good or needlessly complex. In any case, I would have liked to know what happened to him after Selena fainted.
1/26/2009 c3 Josephine Sawyer
I was pleased in this chapter to see the sisters deviating somewhat from their stereotypes; Selena and not Rachel has the plan and informs her sister that waiting and hiding is not a good idea, and Rachel in the end is shocked and hopeless rather than enraged.

I also liked Sindra's reaction to her daughters going missing. I still don't really have a peg for her character, but as a solidly loving motherly type, she seems believable.

There are some awkward phrases here, however: things like "attempted at a duck" instead of "attempted to duck". And I'm fairly certain there is a better way to say "belt of paraphernalia".
1/26/2009 c2 Josephine Sawyer
I think you could do a lot of cool things with the character of Sindra; having either the mother be even worse than the daughters or having the mother not be plagued with vice would both be interesting characters to add to the millieu. Interestingly enough, I can't really tell which she is from this chapter; there simply aren't enough of her actions here for me to really gauge her character yet.

I would have especially liked more from the point of view of the magician. He's another character I know barely anything about; I feel like the sisters are perhaps easier to understand because they have their sins as their motivation, but Medaerus and Sindra are not as easy to peg-hole, and I want more information about them in order to understand their characters.
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